Laugh Yourself Healthy

by Charles Hunter

  Three weeks later, the sheriff decided to call the farmer. “How’s the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”

  “Oh, I sure did,” answered the farmer. “And not one chicken has been killed since then.”

  So the sheriff decided to drive out to the farmer’s house and check out the sign. Written in large yellow letters on a black sign: “Slow: Nudist Colony.”

  Quick question

  Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because if they did, they would be called bagels.

  Sure, you can lead a horse to water; most folks can . . . but if you can get him to float on his back, then you’ve really got something!

  Why, Mom?

  A mother and baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, I have a question. Why do I have these huge three-toed feet?”

  The mother replied, “Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.”

  “OK,” said the son.

  A few minutes later, the son asked, “Mom, I have another question. Why do I have these great long eyelashes?”

  “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” replied the son. After a short while, the son returned and asked, “Mom, here’s one more question. Why do I have these great big humps on my back?”

  The mother, now a little impatient with the boy, replied, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

  “That’s great, Mom! So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water. But, Mom . . . ”

  “Yes, son?” asked the mother.

  “I have one last important question: Why are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

  Sending aid

  Betty, who is very independent, likes to feed the pigeons in the park. One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

  Then suddenly a man rained on Betty’s parade by telling her that she shouldn’t throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

  Betty said, “Well, maybe, but I can’t throw that far!”

  Greenhorns

  A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. “Well,” said the would-be cattleman, “I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”

  “But where are all your cattle?” the friends asked.

  “None survived the branding.”

  Zoo story

  A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.

  However, the ’roo was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was built forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!”

  TEACHER: We can learn from the ants. Ants work very hard every day. The ant works all the time. And what happens in the end?

  STUDENT: Somebody steps on him.

  Two snakes were crawling along when one asked, “Are we poisonous?”

  The other said, “Yes, we’re rattlesnakes. Why?”

  The first replied, “I just bit my tongue.”

  Trying to nail a duck

  One day a duck walked into a convenience store at two o’clock. “Do you have any duck food?” the duck asked.

  “No, we don’t have any duck food,” replied the clerk.

  “OK, thanks anyway.” And the duck walked out.

  The next day at two o’clock, the duck walked in again. “Got any duck food?” he asked.

  The clerk became a little annoyed, “No! We don’t have any duck food.”

  “Fine,” answered the duck and walked out.

  The third day at two o’clock the duck walked in and asked the same question. The clerk lost his temper. “I’ve told you twice; we don’t have duck food. We’ve never had duck food, and we never will have duck food. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”

  The next day at two o’clock the duck walked in “Got any nails?”

  “No,” answered the clerk.

  “Good. Got any duck food?”

  The bear facts

  Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear. He shot at it, but only wounded it.

  The enraged bear charged toward him. He dropped his rifle and started running to the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

  The man jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another.”

  A lady went into a pet shop. There was a parrot on his perch. She said, “Oh, I’ve always wanted a parrot. I’m going to buy it.”

  The man said, “Now lady, I’m just not sure you want that bird. He talks all right, but he curses and talks very ugly.”

  She said, “I can retrain him. I’m going to buy him.”

  Sure enough, one day he ripped out all the expletives you could imagine. She was so upset. “I’m giving you another chance. You say, ‘Yes, ma’am,’ when I correct you. OK?”

  He forgot and spouted off again, so she put him in the freezer. Sometime later, she took him out, frost all over his feathers. He was rigid, his beak blue! When he thawed out, the owner said, “Now, don’t talk like that anymore!”

  The parrot said, “All I want to know is, what in the world did that turkey in there do?”

  nine

  LIGHTHEARTED AGING

  THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HILL

  Taking a pledge seriously

  An older lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she wasn’t getting any younger, she decided to do so before she died. Until now she had never been out of the country, so she went in person to the passport office and asked how long it would take to get one issued.

  “You must take the loyalty oath first,” responded the passport clerk as he pulled some paperwork out of a drawer. “Raise your right hand, please.”

  The old gal raised her hand.

  “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, foreign and domestic?” asked the clerk.

  The little old lady’s face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, “All by myself?”

  Food for thought

  The ninety-two-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud mother-in-law of my best friend, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with her hair fashionably coiffed and makeup perfectly applied even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of seventy years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

  Maurine Jones is the most lovely, gracious, dignified woman whom I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. While I have never aspired to attain her depth of wisdom, I do pray that I will learn from her vast experience.

  After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. “I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

  “Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen th
e room . . . just wait.”

  “That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged; it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

  “It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice: I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away—just for this time in my life.

  “Old age is like a bank account—you withdraw from what you’ve put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.”

  Advantages of aging

  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable number.

  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.

  • There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

  • In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

  The Senility Prayer

  God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

  Now that I’m older (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:

  1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

  2. I finally have my head together; now my body is falling apart.

  3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

  4. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

  5. If all is not lost, where is it?

  6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

  7. I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.

  8. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

  9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

  10. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

  11. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

  12. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  13. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

  More infernal truths

  Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

  A hymnbook made for seniors

  • “Precious Lord, Take My Hand and Help Me Up”

  • “It Is Well With My Soul, but My Knees Hurt”

  • “Just a Slower Walk With Thee”

  • “Go Tell It on the Mountain, but Please Speak Up”

  • “Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing”

  Optimism

  Miss Dale, a long-time client at my beauty salon, was about to celebrate her one-hundredth birthday, and I had promised her complimentary hair services when she reached the century mark. I was delighted when she came in to collect her gift. As I prepared for her permanent wave, we discussed the fact that she was exactly twice my age.

  Miss Dale was silent for a moment and then said, “There’s only one thing that concerns me. Whatever will I do when you get too old to do my hair?”

  Silent revenge

  A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three motorcycle bullies walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the man’s pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

  The second walked up to the old man, spat in the man’s milk, and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

  Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

  One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

  She replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles.”

  Time goes by

  Inside every older person there’s a young person wondering what happened.

  A woman held a hammer behind her back as she spoke to the mirror:

  “Mirror, mirror on the wall, take all the time you need to phrase your response.”

  Two questions

  Jimmie, an eighty-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of fifty-eight years passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day in a park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached her and asked, “Pardon me, but may I sit here with you?”

  The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, “Why, certainly.”

  For the next two hours the two talked about many topics and discovered that they had a great deal in common.

  Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Marcia, may I ask you two questions?”

  With great anticipation, Marcia replied, “Why, certainly!”

  The old gentleman very gingerly got down on one knee, looked her in the eyes, and said, “Marcia, we’ve only known each other a few hours, but I feel we have a lot in common. Will you marry me?”

  Marcia grabbed Jimmie’s hands and said, “Why, yes, I will marry you!” and she kissed him gently on the cheek. “What was your other question?”

  Jimmie scratched his neck and asked, “Will you help me get up?”

  A gift

  A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older gentleman and lady peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

  He called them into his shop. “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

  He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off.

  About a month later, the little elderly lady came into the travel agency.

  “And how did you like your holiday?” asked the travel agent eagerly.

  “The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely,” responded the elderly lady. “I’ve come to thank you for such a wonderful experience. But one thing does puzzle me, and I just have to ask: ‘Who was that old guy I had to share a room with?’”

  A reporter asked a man on his ninety-fifth birthday, “To what do you credit your long life?”

  The old-timer responded, “Well, I’m not sure yet. My lawyer’s still negotiating with two breakfast cereal companies.”

  It worked

  Aboard a flight to America, Grandma was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

  The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

  When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. “Thank you, dear, the chewing gum worked fine,” she said, “but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”

  Hear some evil

  Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor to be fitted for some hearing aids. After some tests, the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100 percen
t.

  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”

  To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already!”

  SON: Dad, are you growing taller all the time?

  DAD: No, son. Why do you ask?

  SON: Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.

  Parental thoughts

  The people hardest to convince they’re at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

  Life lessons

  It’s frustrating when you finally know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

  Aging and golfing

  An eighty-year-old man’s golf game was hampered by poor eyesight. He could still hit the ball well, but he couldn’t see where it went. So a friend teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man who still had pretty good eyesight and was willing to serve as the younger man’s spotter.

  On the first tee, the younger man whacked the ball and turned to his older companion. “Can you see where that ball landed?”

  “Yep,” replied the ninety-year-old.

  “Well, where did it go?”

  “I don’t remember,” admitted the older man.

  Senior citizen thoughts

  • I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

  • I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word that you are saying.

  • I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

  • I’m wondering. If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I still be alive at one hundred fifty?

  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

  • Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the car.

  A reporter was interviewing a 104-year-old woman. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

  “Very little peer pressure,” she responded with a smile.