by Glazer, J B
“God, no! Why would you think that?”
“What do you expect me to think? I could understand your not wanting to tell anyone in the beginning, but I don’t understand what the issue is anymore.”
“I thought it would be best for us…and for you.”
“Don’t make this about me, this is your issue, not mine.”
“I just—” Suddenly his cell phone rings. He looks at it and silences the call. “Lexi, I don’t want you to have to take the fallout.”
“I’m OK with it. I don’t care if people know.” He looks skeptical. “Look, Jake, I love you. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of worrying about who might see us when we’re in public together, and I’m tired of worrying about letting something slip with my friends at work. I can’t share things with them like a normal person. I’m sick of keeping secrets. And I shouldn’t have to.” I’m interrupted by his cell phone ringing again.
He looks at it and says, “It’s my uncle again.”
“It sounds urgent. You should take it.”
“I’ll just be a minute.” I wait while he finishes his conversation. “Hi. Sorry. I was in the middle of something. What? You said it wouldn’t be until at least after the holidays.” He walks into the other room; he seems panicked. A few minutes later, he comes out of my bedroom and tells me, “I have to deal with something. This conversation isn’t over. I’ll call you later.” With that he walks out the door.
I’m stunned. Did he seriously just leave in the middle of our conversation to take care of something for his uncle? I’m pissed all over again. I pace around my apartment for a while, too antsy to do anything. Eventually I make myself dinner even though I’m not hungry. I shower and see that it’s almost nine, and I still haven’t heard from Jake, so I decide to go to bed. He calls a half hour later, but I ignore it, and then I turn off my phone. Let him worry. I’ll deal with him tomorrow.
I toss and turn all night, unable to sleep. When my alarm goes off, I feel groggy. I accidentally fall back asleep, and when I wake up, it’s eight fifteen. Crap. I hate being late. I check my phone and see I have two missed calls from Jake. I figure we’ll talk things over tonight; it’s best not to get into this kind of conversation before work, and I don’t want to be rushed. Sometimes I’m better at expressing my feelings by writing things down. I’m about to e-mail him my thoughts when I see an invitation for a mandatory meeting at nine—shit, the one morning I’m running late. I do a quick body shower then rush out the door. My cell phone rings, and it’s Jake again. I hit “ignore.”
Just as the meeting is about to start, I arrive. It’s a packed house. Jake is up front, looking very uncomfortable. Our eyes meet, and I look away. Bill is there, which is unusual. I wonder if we had a major new business win—or loss. Perhaps he’s here to share the news of our cosmetics victory, but it’s a small project that doesn’t seem to warrant his presence.
Everyone quiets down as Bill starts speaking. “Thank you all for coming on such short notice,” he says. “I have some exciting news to share with you. Over the past year, Hartman and Taylor has been on a hot streak. And I just got a call this morning from Advertising Age that we’ve been named agency of the year.” The room erupts with cheers and claps. I now see there are bottles of champagne on the credenza behind him.
“Let’s have a toast!” someone shouts.
“We will, but there’s one more thing we have to celebrate. Much of our success is a result of the hard work of this man standing next to me,” he says, as he clasps Jake’s shoulder. “Now that our office is in a good place, we need his talents where they’ll be most useful. I’m pleased to announce the promotion of Jake Hartman to president of Hartman and Taylor, San Francisco.” There’s a thunderous round of applause. I stand there stock-still, unable to look at him. Bill continues, “Although we’ll miss him, he’s already made such progress in helping the office get off the ground. It just made sense to have him based there permanently.”
I feel as though the bottom has just dropped out from under me. I finally meet Jake’s gaze, and he’s looking at me with a pleading expression. I break eye contact and can think of nothing but my escape. Thank God I was late for the meeting and grabbed a spot by the door so I can make an early exit. Jake is held up by people congratulating him, so I run back to my office and grab my purse and coat. I make a beeline for the elevator and press the “down” button insistently, willing it to come. The doors open, and I head inside to safety.
“Lexi, wait!” Jake calls as he hastily makes his way toward the elevator. I quickly push the “lobby” button. Our eyes meet as the doors close, but it’s difficult for me to read his expression through my haze of tears.
I run outside and let the crisp, cold air fill my lungs. A light snow has begun to fall, and I realize I’m still wearing my heels. I don’t bother changing into my boots because I want to get a head start before Jake starts chasing after me. I try not to think as I walk, instead focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. It’s all I can do to make it home. A biting wind stings my face, but I hardly feel it; I’m numb down to my core. When I get to the lobby, I give Roland strict instructions that he isn’t to let Jake or anyone else up to my apartment. He sees my face and nods his understanding, not saying a word. I walk into my apartment and close all the blinds, relishing in the darkness and trying to shut out the world. I send a quick e-mail to my team, letting them know I went home sick. Then I turn off my ringer and lie in bed for I don’t know how long. It could be minutes, hours. I feel such a complete sense of betrayal. How could Jake do this to me? I’ve felt this way once before and vowed to never let it happen again. I’m so angry with myself for giving in. I tried to protect myself; I really did. I kept Jake at an arm’s distance for so long, but he was very convincing. I really thought it was different this time. He knew how much I valued the truth above all else, so in a way, his betrayal is worse than what happened with Ben. I’m awoken from my reverie by a recording on my answering machine. I should have turned that off too. It’s Roland calling to tell me Jake’s here. I pick up mid-message and say, “I don’t want to see him.”
“I’ve told him that, but he won’t leave. He said he’ll wait.”
“Well, tell him he’ll be waiting a long time, because I’m not coming down!” I angrily stab at the “off ” button and slam the phone back into its cradle. I’m overcome with emotion and sob into my pillow; eventually I fall asleep from exhaustion.
I hear someone stirring, so I open my eyes. I see that it’s dark outside. I bolt upright, fearing Roland decided to let Jake in.
“It’s only me,” says Liv. “I came to check on you.”
“How did you know?” I ask her.
“Simon called me.” I nod. “Oh, Lexi,” she says, enveloping me in a hug, which just brings on a fresh wave of tears. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “I just don’t understand how this happened…again.”
“What do you mean by ‘again’?”
“I opened my heart to someone,” I tell her, “only to have it shattered to pieces. I know I was able to do it before, but I don’t think I can get past another heartbreak,” I sob. It feels like someone took a knife to my chest, slicing open my scars, revealing my deepest fears. And all that remains is emptiness. When I reflect on the progress I’ve made rebuilding my life over the past year, I now realize it was all a facade. All it took was one simple blow to have it come undone. Suddenly I feel panicked, and all the feelings I had when I found Ben with Claire crash down on me.
“Lexi, take a deep breath. I’m going to get you a glass of water.” She comes back and makes me take a sip. I shakily accept the glass to placate her. “So you had no clue?” she says.
“Absolutely none. I found out just like everyone else. I was blindsided. How could he make a decision like this without talking to me first?”
“Well, I’m sure he has an explanation for what happened. I know he loves you, and I can’t imagine h
e’d do something like this intentionally. It doesn’t make sense.”
“I know, but he did.”
“You have to talk to him.”
“I know, and I will.”
“Lexi, I mean it. I know you tried to hide from dealing with the fallout from Ben. And look where that got you. You need to deal with this.”
“I will, I promise. I just need some time to absorb it.”
“OK. Have you eaten anything?” I shake my head. “I brought Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream,” she says, trying to tempt me.
“Thanks. I’ll have some later.” I can tell she’s worried; I never turn down Ben and Jerry’s.
“Do you want me to stay?” Liv asks.
“No, that’s OK. I’d rather be alone.”
Instead of leaving, she crawls into bed next to me. I’m happy to have the company.
I stay home the next two days, not leaving my apartment. I call into work and say I have a bad virus, which in a sense, I do. I can’t eat; I can hardly sleep; and I feel terrible. I look terrible too—my eyes are red rimmed and puffy from crying, and my hair is a limp mess. I haven’t had the energy to shower; I haven’t had the energy to do much at all. My phone rings, but I don’t bother to answer it. I haven’t checked my phone or listened to any of my messages since the announcement about Jake’s promotion. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I scroll through my call log and see I have seventeen missed calls from Jake, three from Simon, and one from my mom.
I take a deep breath and call my voice mail, which informs me my mailbox is full, and I should erase all unneeded messages. The first one is from Jake on Monday night, after our fight. “Lexi, I really need to talk to you. Please call me as soon as you get this.” The next one says pretty much the same thing. Then there’s one from Tuesday morning, the day of the announcement. “Lexi, it’s urgent. Please call me.” The rest are his apologizing and begging me to call him back. In his last message, he sounds like he’s crying. “These past few days have been unbearable. I feel lost without you. I love you so much. Please talk to me.” I realize I’ve never seen Jake so vulnerable before; I’ve always thought of him as the strong one. If it’s possible, my heart breaks even more. Then I check my answering machine, and I have a couple messages from the front desk. I call downstairs, and Roland seems happy to hear from me.
“Miss Lexi, I was concerned about you. You have a bunch of deliveries. Should I send them up?”
“What are they?”
“They appear to be flowers.”
“No, I don’t want them. Feel free to give them to other residents or throw them out.” Flowers aren’t going to cut it. I won’t accept any kind of gift as a peace offering.
Finally, on Thursday, I decide I’m ready to talk to Jake. Unlike with Ben, I need to know what happened. I assume Jake is at the office, so I send him a text message.
I’m ready to talk. Let me know if you can stop by on your way home.
I get an immediate response.
I’ll be there in twenty minutes.
I take a look in the bathroom mirror and attempt to do something with my lifeless hair. I decide it’s hopeless, so I throw on a black, cable knit hat and go downstairs. I wait out front so I won’t have to bring him up to my apartment. I don’t trust myself alone with him and need to stay strong. I watch him as he approaches. He looks terrible. He’s usually so clean-cut, but he looks like he hasn’t shaved in days, and he has dark circles under his eyes.
“Hi,” he says quietly, studying my face.
“Hi. Let’s take a walk.”
We find a bench, and I sit down. Jake sits next to me and takes my hand. “Lexi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to find out this way. I tried telling you on so many occasions, but something always seemed to come up. That night Ben showed up, I intended to discuss it with you. I had a big dinner planned, and I was going to ask you to come with me. And even before that, I planned on telling you, but then you shared the news of your pending promotion, and I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize your career. I knew you wouldn’t be able to start up a new account if you moved with me. So I was waiting for the right time, and I hoped that once you were established in your new role, it might be a possibility for you to transfer. Things weren’t supposed to happen for another few months at least. But then Bill called and said there were some political issues going on, so they want me there right away. I tried calling you before the announcement, but you were mad at me and didn’t pick up your phone. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. I love you so much, and it kills me knowing that I did.” He looks at me, waiting for me to say something.
I’m quiet for a minute, taking in his words. “You say you love me, but you don’t.”
“What are you talking about? Lexi, you’re the love of my life.”
“No,” I say with more force than intended. “You may think you’re in love with me, but you aren’t. When you love someone, you want to shout it from the rooftops, not hide it. When you love someone, you treat her as a partner, an equal. You don’t go making life-altering decisions like deciding to move halfway across the country without discussing it. Yes, you were going to tell me, but that implies you already made the decision. When you love someone, you don’t lie.”
Jake cuts me off. “Lexi, I’ve never lied to you.”
“You omitted the truth. That’s the same thing as lying. What makes it worse is it sounds like you’ve known about this for a long time. I know you were scared, but if you had asked me to move with you, I would have said yes.” He looks at me, and I can see there’s hope in his eyes. “Jake, I love you, but I can’t be with you. Not after this.”
“Please don’t throw what we have away,” he pleads. “You once said we were perfect together. We still can be.”
“Jake, there’s no such thing as perfection.”
“Look, I know I should have told you sooner, discussed it with you. But it’s not like I wasn’t planning on telling you. Believe me, I was.”
“Just like you were going to tell Bill about us? The fact is that you didn’t, in either case. Do you know how it felt, sitting in that conference room with all those people and learning that you’d be moving to a new role in a new city—without me? I never should have found out that way. You, of all people, should know how important honesty is with me.”
“I know that. I don’t know how to apologize enough. Tell me what I have to do to make it up to you.”
I look at him sadly. “There’s nothing you can do. I’ve felt this certain once before, and that was when I caught Ben cheating on me.”
“Please don’t compare me to Ben. I’m nothing like him.”
“You’re right,” I say, “although you have one thing in common: You both broke my heart. And it hurts that much worse the second time around.” He looks so pained as I say the words. I stand up, and he stands too. Then I give him a long kiss on the lips. “Good-bye, Jake.” He stands there looking shocked.
“Lexi, wait.” He takes my hand, but I pull away. “Please,” he begs. I turn and start to walk away. “This isn’t over,” he yells after me.
But in my mind it is. I will myself not to look back, but I can’t help it. I turn around, and he’s standing there, with his hands in his pockets, staring at me with a look of despair. I thought I couldn’t shed any more tears, but they relentlessly fall.
Later that evening I get a call from Simon. He seems surprised when I pick up the phone. “Lexi, thank God! I haven’t heard from you in days and was getting worried. I had visions of finding you passed out in a drunken stupor with Katy Perry’s ‘Wide Awake’ playing on repeat.”
I manage a small smile. “I’m here, sober as can be.”
“We’ve got to do something about that. But seriously, are you OK?”
“No, but I will be. I know the drill. I’ve done this before.”
He sighs. “So you had no clue?”
“None. Did you know?”
“No, I honestly
didn’t. I thought Jake was a shoo-in to run our office one day. Maybe this is a starting point for that. Have you talked to him?”
“Earlier today. He apologized profusely and said he was going to tell me, but I told him what he did was unforgiveable.”
“Is it?”
“Why would you even ask me that?”
“Look,” Simon says, “I know you’re hurting right now, but do you honestly think he wouldn’t have told you?”
I think back to the times Jake said he wanted to discuss something with me. It’s true that things came up, but there were plenty of other opportunities; he just chose not to act on them. I feel so betrayed. “It would be hard for me to move past this,” I tell Simon.
“I understand, but you and Jake are so good together. A match like yours doesn’t come around often. Are you sure you want to give up so easily?”
I’ve been pondering this very question for the past few days. I know I said I don’t believe in soul mates, but I do. I just didn’t want to admit that I was wrong when I thought I’d found mine in Ben. I know that now. Can I give up on the one person I’m meant to be with?
“Simon, I know it may not seem like what Jake did was as bad as what Ben did, but he of all people knows how much I value honesty. He’s broken my trust, and that’s hard to repair. So I’m not saying never—just no to right now.”
“That’s fair,” he says. “Do you want to meet up for a drink?”
“No, I’m not up to going out.”
“Well, you’d better get ready because tomorrow is the holiday party.”
“I’m not going.”
“Lexi, you have to.”
“I don’t have to do anything,” I say flatly.
“Let me rephrase that. I think you should go. It’s the agency’s event of the year, and you shouldn’t miss out on account of Jake.”
“I’m not ready to face everyone.”
“First of all, no one else knows aside from Nicole and me. And second, you have to go back to work sometime—like Monday for instance.”