Acts of Love

by Talulah Riley

  He was regarding her with only mild surprise as she glowered tempestuously from under thick dark lashes.

  ‘I can’t wait to see what happens next,’ he said, folding his arms across his chest and leaning insouciantly against the shiny wall.

  She paused momentarily, wondering whether to hit him or kiss him, but then realised she was currently capable of neither – he looked too intimidating to kiss, and hitting was the last resort of an infant or an inebriated adult.

  ‘I want to stay the night here,’ she said. ‘With you.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know. Because I want to have sex with you? You want to make me say it explicitly? Why did you suggest it in the first place?’

  ‘Because we were getting on so well. And because—’

  Doris cut him off. ‘Radley, is there a problem?’ she asked in her electronic tones.

  ‘No,’ he replied, loudly.

  ‘That thing is really starting to freak me out,’ Bernadette mumbled.

  ‘Shall we resume service?’ asked Doris.

  ‘No,’ said Radley.

  Bernadette smiled at the minor victory. ‘Because what?’ she murmured.

  ‘In all seriousness, no pretence now,’ he said. ‘Because I thought that bringing you up here, removing you from your normal environment and showing you all this’ – he swept his arm in a large circle – ‘might help you to understand me. And change your mind about me. It was foolish, I see that now. I was wrong.’

  ‘What do you want from me?’

  He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. ‘What do you want from Tim?’

  ‘Everything,’ she said, breathlessly.

  He let a moment pass before speaking, the air still heavy with her admission. ‘I told you,’ he said finally. ‘We are similar creatures, you and I. I want everything, just like you. I thought, incorrectly, that if I could pull you into my world – which, I might add, most people find quite overwhelming and impressive – you would be overcome with the romance of it.’

  There was nothing apologetic about his declaration; it was delivered in the same careful drawl he reserved for most things. She looked for a sign of weakness and found none.

  ‘I’m not going to be overtaken by romance,’ she said truthfully. ‘But I have been overtaken by something else.’

  ‘You’re lusting after me, by your own admission,’ he stated, somewhat humorously. ‘If you don’t like me very much, and aren’t succumbing to the empire, then I suppose that is the only reason you would be so keen we stay tonight.’

  ‘I am lusting. I don’t trust you. I don’t particularly like you. I think you could be dangerous to me and my ultimate goal. But you intrigue me, and I want to rid myself of that feeling.’

  He laughed. ‘I am an itch that must be scratched, a boil that must be lanced, before you can dance off into the sunset with your beloved Tim. What a suggestion!’

  ‘Oh please,’ she cried, growing impatient. ‘Are you saying you’ve never spent the night with someone without loving them first?’

  ‘I try to like them at least.’

  ‘Really? You’ve never gone to bed with someone you find just a teensy bit annoying, or stupid? Someone you can’t wait to be rid of in the morning? Someone whose welfare you don’t care two hoots about?’

  He shifted uncomfortably. ‘Maybe only half a hoot.’

  ‘And does that make you a bad person?’

  ‘No.’ His chest swelled imperceptibly. ‘Because at the time, I never pretended otherwise.’

  ‘Well then,’ said Bernadette. ‘I come to you free of artifice and ask this simple favour. You offered it once; don’t back down now.’

  ‘Fine. I’ll lower my expectations, my scruples and my pants. Is that what you want?’

  ‘Exactly.’ She smiled like the cat that got the cream. ‘Somehow I didn’t think you’d refuse me, not when it came down to it.’

  Radley tapped a number into a keypad on the wall, and the elevator resumed its upward motion. ‘Well aren’t you insightful?’ he said, with a sideways smile.

  They took tea on the roof in a surreal Japanese pagoda surrounded by rocks and moss. The small garden was in the very middle of the roof, the view of the freeway artfully screened by large ferns. A running track circled the perimeter, where a few dedicated joggers were doggedly ignoring the midday sun. Bernadette sipped clean-tasting green tea from a handle-less cup and tried to enjoy the serenity. It was not often she was able to stay still and quiet. She was a fidget, impulsive and restless as much in her physical person as she was in manner and thought. Radley was quiet and contemplative, and Bernadette was beginning to suspect him of serious Buddhist tendencies when he suddenly looked up from his small cup and said, ‘What shall we do about the stag party and such?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, I need to arrange some kind of party for Tim, a final fling before a life of dull matrimony, and you should do the same for Elizabeth. A bridal shower or a girls’ weekend.’

  ‘Me? I don’t think so. One of the other bridesmaids can do it.’

  ‘I was thinking, why don’t we do a joint party? Men and women together, at least for part of the evening – or we could all go away for the weekend.’

  ‘Why is there so much fuss?’ Bernadette complained. ‘A whole series of parties and shopping trips. It’s too much.’

  ‘You’re just jealous that it isn’t you. Won’t you want all these things when you get married?’

  ‘Yes,’ Bernadette admitted. ‘Yes. I’ll have it all.’

  ‘So, what do you say? Let’s plan something fun.’

  The thought of arranging a nice surprise for Elizabeth did not appeal, but if they all went away for a weekend together, she would at least get to spend additional time with Tim. She foresaw the possibility to cause trouble. ‘All right. Vegas.’

  ‘Vegas?’ he said doubtfully. ‘I was thinking of a wine-tasting weekend or something. Elizabeth isn’t really a Vegas kind of person. And neither is Tim, from what I can tell.’

  ‘Every man is a Vegas man, at least for a weekend. And Elizabeth is an adventurer, isn’t she?’

  ‘What would we do in Vegas?’

  ‘Oh, you know, the usual,’ Bernadette said airily. ‘Clubs, shows, restaurants, bars … the Grand Canyon, if you like?’

  ‘I’m not sure this is such a good idea after all,’ said Radley.

  ‘It’ll be fun. I’m sure between us we can come up with something fabulous.’

  ‘That I don’t doubt. But I want to make sure it will be something Lizzie will enjoy.’

  Bernadette smiled graciously and nodded with syrupy sweetness. ‘Of course. Now, I’m sure you don’t spend the whole day at work drinking tea. What now? Get to it.’

  Radley stood up, carefully replacing his cup on the small enamelled tray. ‘Now, I’ll take you to the lab.’

  It was on the laboratory floor that Bernadette first began to understand the importance of Clarion Molecular. It was spotlessly clean, scientists working diligently in white coats. Radley walked among it all like landed gentry showing off the bounty of an ancient estate, pointing out particular features, and highlighting the most impressive undertakings. His physical size and scale suddenly seemed perfectly fitted to the environment. He was a big man doing big things. A perfectly formed, highly honed mass of health and energy contributing to a greater good. He knew exactly what he was talking about, and spoke with such easy urgency about rapid sequencing of the human genome that Bernadette begged to have her own biology analysed.

  Radley was pleased with her enthusiasm. ‘To be clear,’ he said. ‘What sets us apart here is that we’re ultra-fast. Rapid sequencing is essential, including determining what genes are turned on and off. We’re able to match accurately the symptoms of a genetically influenced disease with the specific DNA.’

  ‘Designer drugs?’ Bernadette asked.

  ‘We’re a mechanism for accuracy. Think of it in terms of software. If there’s something wrong with
the software, you create a software patch. That’s what we do here.’

  ‘How involved are you in this?’ she asked, looking around at the white-and-glass machines.

  ‘The company keeps growing. Originally it was just me in the lab every day. But now we’ve perfected the technique and everything has become so big – there’s management issues, and marketing, and dealing with clients, and all that torment. I’m not so good at that. I do it because I’m in love with the company, it’s like my child. But ultimately I’m looking to step back completely, once everything is as it should be and can go on without me. I miss the start-up days.’

  ‘What will you do then?’ she asked.

  ‘Live happily ever after with you?’

  ‘Not an option.’

  ‘Why isn’t it an option? Humour me, seeing as I so politely signed away my virtue to you this afternoon.’

  ‘Because we’re not proper together. We might be alike, perhaps you’re right about that,’ she conceded. ‘But we don’t speak nicely to one another! People who are truly in love are good and gentle with each other; they don’t tease or bully or try and catch each other out. I want a gentle love, a true love of the highest order. Nothing less will do, you know.’

  Radley looked thoughtful, and patted her on the back in a soothing fashion. ‘Poor little girl,’ he said. ‘I’m afraid you’re hankering after something you can’t have.’

  ‘Why not?’ she demanded.

  ‘Because you yourself are not a gentle person. You are a bull in a china shop. You’re touchy and quick-tempered and incredibly passionate. I think you need to know yourself better before you decide the avenue of your fate.’

  ‘Ugh, you do wear me down,’ she said, moving to inspect a row of Petri dishes. ‘Just when you’re at your most attractive – smart and sexy – you have to go and get all preachy and perverse.’

  ‘You don’t like hearing things that you don’t agree with, even if you’re absolutely in the wrong … especially when you’re absolutely in the wrong.’

  ‘See?’ she said. ‘This back-and-forth is maddening. We can’t agree even when we’re trying to get along.’

  ‘The shadow of the evening ahead looms large,’ he said, making for the exit doors.

  ‘Exactly! You’d think we’d be able to get it together in order to get together! But we can’t be civil for a minute, even knowing that we’re going to … to … you know.’

  They left the lab and walked down a long, wide corridor. ‘Out of interest,’ said Radley, ‘how’s the interview going?’

  If Bernadette were the type of girl to blush, she would have coloured prettily, but her skin remained its usual peaches-and-cream as she answered, ‘Fine, thank you. Sam was very helpful. And I’ve been ever so impressed with the work you do here. I’d like you to know, this is the first time I haven’t come with a pre-planned article written in my head. I’m taking things as I find them.’

  The truth was, Bernadette had thought very little about what she was going to write. She knew that since her onstage outburst, she was out of favour at Squire, and that the Radley piece was to be a fabulous peace offering. She needed to come up with the goods. But, like always, she found herself so caught up with personal matters, her commitment to the job had fallen far behind. She was thoroughly involved in the scandal and the promise of spending the night in a hotel room with Radley Blake, her moral compass unhindered by thoughts of the devoted David, who was technically her boyfriend. And when she thought of Tim, it was only with a desperate bitterness, a tainted longing and a desire for some kind of feeble retribution. She would make herself miserable with Radley; she would abuse the purity of her love for Tim and damage herself in as many ways as possible.

  The working day passed, and Bernadette gathered sound bites from lab technicians and administrative assistants, from the women who served in the café and the primary investor in the company. Radley came in for universal praise, although the words used most often to describe him – ‘reserved’, ‘quiet’, ‘responsible’ – clashed harshly with her knowledge of him. ‘You are none of these things!’ she said, perplexed, as they travelled to dinner that evening, Mick driving as usual.

  ‘I’ve told you before,’ said Radley. ‘You bring out something unusual in me.’

  ‘Really?’ she asked, doubtfully. ‘Your character as a determined flirt seems fairly well established, as far as I’m concerned.’

  ‘You make me laugh,’ he said, lowering his voice. He reached out and let his hand rest non-threateningly on her knee. ‘And you appeal to a part of me I mostly keep hidden. I’ve never met anyone who so clearly speaks to that desire.’

  ‘What desire? You know, with this flattery, you’re making me feel almost worthy of my ridiculous pen name.’

  ‘The desire to understand someone fully. I have a great thirst for knowledge. And I feel like I know you. I’ve felt it from the first moment I saw you, as haughty and disdainful as you were that night at Tim’s. I understand who you are, and the way you think – and it’s intoxicating. You are not a mystery to me.’

  ‘Gosh, you’re conceited! And laughably wrong, by the way. I don’t think you know me at all. Surely, if you did, you wouldn’t say such provoking things, if your aim is to have me actually like you.’

  ‘I only want to speak the truth to you. I could say all the right things, but that wouldn’t be the correct thing to do. You need a little sense and honesty drummed into you.’

  ‘Are you saying you could push my buttons if you wanted to?’ she asked, leaning towards him, smiling mischievously. ‘Because if you can, go ahead and do it – I dare you.’

  They arrived at a small Thai restaurant in Palo Alto, where two men and a woman were standing outside waiting for them.

  Before they stepped from the vehicle, Radley indicated the woman. ‘That’s Susan,’ he said in a hushed tone. ‘I can’t stand her.’

  ‘Why are you having dinner with her if you can’t stand her?’ asked Bernadette, mockingly.

  ‘Because she’s married to a friend of mine,’ he said, as if pointing out the patently obvious.

  The three friends greeted them uproariously, and Bernadette was introduced with much gesturing and back-slapping on the part of the single gentleman, whose name, she found out, was Andrew. ‘So good to meet you!’ Andrew said loudly, grinning widely. ‘We all know who you are! I read all about it. I have Radley Blake on Google Alerts. Ha, ha! The marriage proposal? I read it and I was like, no fucking way! I was like, I’m his best friend’ – here he thumped Radley on the back – ‘I’m his best friend, and there’s no fucking way he’s proposed to some random chick without telling me about it. And now you’re doing an interview with him. That’s cute. You’re like a blogger, right?’

  ‘I’m a journalist,’ said Bernadette icily. ‘I freelance, but—’

  ‘Oh, you “freelance”! Riiight!’ Andrew interrupted, laughing goofily, performing a dramatic physical parenthesis around the word.

  ‘I freelance, but I have a monthly column in Squire magazine. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?’

  ‘I don’t read magazines,’ said Andrew dismissively. ‘They’re full of shit.’

  Susan’s husband, a meek-looking man, held out his hand to introduce himself. ‘I’m Carter,’ he said, pleasantly, ‘and this is Susan.’

  ‘Big fan of your work!’ said Susan, smiling a look-how-polite-I-can-be-by-contrast smile. ‘And I love your shirt, that’s just adorable.’

  Bernadette had had quite enough of being put on stage, and she turned to Radley with cold eyes.

  ‘Shall we go inside?’ he suggested, allowing Bernadette and Susan to lead the way.

  They were shown to a private room. The restaurant was busy and noisy. ‘That’s because it’s the only place in Palo Alto that stays open until nine p.m.!’ said Andrew, who spoke as if every utterance should be followed by an exclamation mark.

  Carter was a nice enough man, Bernadette decided, although his only topic of conversation see
med to be the share price of his investments. Susan was extremely annoying, and had the habit, common to older women, of treating Bernadette as if she were a stupid teenage girl, prefacing most sentences with ‘You’re too young to remember this’, or ‘I didn’t think that way either when I was in my twenties’.

  ‘She’s so sweet, Radley!’ Susan said across the table for all to hear, and then, turning back to Bernadette, ‘You’re really mature for your age. That’s so refreshing.’

  Usually Bernadette would have retaliated by flirting offensively with her husband, but Carter was a chore even she didn’t feel up to.

  ‘I’m single!’ said Andrew loudly – he seemed incapable of saying anything quietly. ‘I could do with a nice lady to treat me well. You got any hot young friends, Bernadette? Anyone you could hook me up with? You’ve got your claws into this one here.’ He banged Radley heavily on the back again. ‘Do you realise you have one of the greatest men of the twenty-first century wrapped around your finger? Good for you, I say, that’s awesome. Do you know how long I’ve known this guy? I knew him before he got funding. That’s how long. This guy is my best friend.’ He slung his arm around Radley’s shoulder and squeezed with proprietorial affection.

  ‘Yes, so you keep saying,’ said Bernadette, impassively.

  Andrew managed to keep up a never-ending stream of one-sided conversation throughout dinner, mostly espousing love and loyalty to Radley, who seemed largely unmoved by the demonstration, just nodding acknowledgement whilst forking up his Pad Thai. Occasionally he stole a glance at Bernadette and smiled to himself. It was odd how very removed he seemed from everything going on around him.

  It annoyed Bernadette the way everyone at the table assumed she must be as enamoured with Radley as they were. Andrew in particular acted as though she had won a great prize. ‘You take care of this guy,’ he said as they left the restaurant after a painful couple of hours. He grabbed her by the shoulders. ‘Look me in the eye and tell me you’ll take care of him.’