by Annie West
At the look in his eyes the room seemed to darken, the air thick with a dangerous tension. He prowled across the space between them, eyes snapping in fury.
‘A...tantrum?’ His voice was a whisper, yet it made each hair on her neck stand on end.
‘Exactly like that. Telling me I didn’t have permission to leave your exalted presence. Using your position as a trump card because I wouldn’t do your bidding.’ His stare told her she was on perilous ground. The temper in his brilliant eyes reminded her that beneath his usually calm demeanour, Sayid was a man of strong impulses and profound feelings. And his word was law in Halarq.
She tilted her chin higher, trembling in her defiance. ‘I thought you admired people who spoke the truth instead of agreeing all the time. Toadies, you called them.’
‘That’s different. This is about us.’
‘There is no us.’ That sliced at her fragile composure. ‘We were lovers but that ended. You chose to end it. Now you want to bully me into marriage because you believe it will save my reputation.’
Lina’s hands slid to her hips. ‘I don’t care what the gossips say about me. I’m content with my decisions. I lived too many years tiptoeing around the sensibilities of others, not even enjoying music because it might be frowned on. Not going to school because of the outdated views of my father. Compelled to become a slave girl because that’s all my family thought me good for.’
She spun away, stalked across the room then strode back, the adrenaline spike in her blood making it impossible to stand still.
‘I’ve got news for you, Sayid. I can withstand gossip from people who mean nothing to me. But I couldn’t survive being tied to a man who sees me as a duty. Or a subject to be ordered into obedience.’ His head reared back but she didn’t pause. ‘A man who’d resent me eventually because he wasn’t marrying me out of love or caring.’
Sayid’s eyes blazed with a feral light that might have scared her if she had anything left to lose. But she’d faced the worst. She had to walk away from the man she loved. What else could hurt her nearly as much?
‘I want more,’ she said finally, her shoulders slumping as the rush of energy bled away. ‘I believe I have the right to try to find happiness.’ Her nails bit into her palms as she made herself continue. ‘I refuse to be treated as a commodity or a problem. I have more self-respect than that.’
* * *
What about his self-respect?
He’d offered marriage, the most honourable offer he could make, and she’d spurned him.
Sayid was torn, proud of the woman who stood before him, refusing to be browbeaten, and at the same time horrified that she expected love.
He’d told himself Lina was a pragmatist. It was one of the things he admired about her. Yet it seemed she was a secret romantic.
Words crowded his tongue. Crazy, impossible words about him wanting her to stay. Needing her to, because he couldn’t imagine letting her walk away.
He wanted to imprison her here in his apartments. Keep her under lock and key till she promised to stay.
Except she was right. She’d been denied self-determination before. He couldn’t do that to her again.
No matter how much he needed her. For, he realised with a sudden clarity that almost cut him off at the knees, he couldn’t imagine not having her with him.
Sayid flexed his hands, repressing the urge to cuff his fingers around her slender wrists and pull her close. To convince her with his mouth and body that she needed him.
‘I’ll see out my work with the liaison unit then I’ll look for work.’ Her vivid eyes fixed not on him but on something past his shoulder. ‘I’m going to save up and train to be an interpreter. Senhor Neves has even talked about sponsoring me.’
Sayid ground his teeth rather than give voice to an insult about what Senhor Neves could do with his offer. Sayid’s blood boiled. He was tempted to eject the man from the country, he and his whole mining team.
Except that would be unreasonable. The sort of thing his uncle would have done when crossed. Or the wild behaviour of a grown man acting like a toddler having a tantrum.
Lead plummeted through his chest to slam into his gut.
She was right. All these years proving himself stronger than his base impulses, all these years learning moderation, yet suddenly here he was, behaving abominably because he’d been crossed. Behaving in ways he hadn’t thought possible.
Lina had seen the worst of him. No wonder she wanted nothing more to do with him.
‘There’s no need.’
Her gaze swung to his and he felt the impact as a judder that vibrated from his chest right down to the soles of his feet.
‘Consider your debt paid.’ The words ground from a throat coated in shards of broken glass. ‘You’re free to leave the palace.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SAYID DIDN’T REMEMBER leaving her room, or crossing the lush courtyard.
He had no recollection of entering his own quarters.
Yet he found himself gripping the carved marble balustrade of his private balcony with nerveless hands. Before him spread the capital, a sprawl of ancient and modern. Even at this early hour it bustled with life. And beyond it the wide plain that eventually became desert.
Sayid wished he were out there now, alone in the dunes, far from everything that reminded him of Lina.
Except even in the desert there’d be no escape. Hadn’t he wanted to take her there? Share that idyllic desert oasis and show her the stars?
In the other direction was the community centre they’d visited together and the old souk. On the edge of the city the spot where she’d danced at the wedding and he, like an ardent young beau, wanting to show off for his girl, had thrown himself into riding and archery contests, wanting to make her proud.
He bowed his head, feeling the sun’s heat on his hands and head. Even that reminded him of Lina. The glow of warmth he felt, not just when they made love, but when she smiled at him, when she teased him and looked at him with such tenderness he’d felt...
Sayid’s heart gave an almighty thump then leapt to a quicker beat. His sluggish brain fought to work its way past self-pity and regret.
Lina had looked at him so tenderly but he’d never let himself question what that meant.
Just as he’d never permitted himself to examine his own feelings beyond pride, pleasure and satisfaction.
All these years he’d worked to emulate his father rather than his uncle, focusing on moderation and honour above all things.
Yet none of those things featured in the way he’d treated Lina. Except, perhaps initially, when he’d had the strength to send her away, because he didn’t trust himself not to pursue her.
And when she’d returned...
He’d told himself there was no harm in his actions, but the fact was everything he’d done had been about self-interest.
Because he wanted Lina, had always wanted her, and if the desolation engulfing him was any indication, always would.
He’d been so caught up in himself he’d forgotten about the other, huge difference between his father and his uncle. It wasn’t just a matter of control or honour.
His uncle had been incapable of caring for anyone but himself. But Sayid’s father had been different. He’d been a proud, strong warrior, a man’s man and a born leader. Yet he had something else too. A loving heart. He’d loved Sayid’s mother with an unswerving devotion that had shone like the sun. And she’d returned his feelings. No one had been surprised when she hadn’t outlived him long.
Sayid forced air into his cramped lungs.
He stood still, remembering the way Lina looked at him, the warmth in her eyes. Even today as she’d blazed defiance at him there’d been something else. Something other than disappointment at his churlish ways.
She cared for him, she’d said.
; Now, for the first time, Sayid let himself think about that. More, he stripped away the hard layers of protection encasing his own feelings. He forced himself to think about emotions.
It was unfamiliar and daunting. It took more courage than anything he’d done.
Yet something inside told him he’d be a coward if he didn’t face this. He’d be on the slippery slope to becoming a man as flawed as his uncle. A man who’d roar his displeasure at the woman who meant everything to him. Who’d use his position to make her yield and submit. A man no woman could continue to care about.
There was a sharp hiss of air as he sucked in a breath. A blast of enlightenment, like a shaft of blue light thundering to the ground in an electrical storm.
Sayid reeled back, only his death-like grip on the stone coping saving him from falling.
Illumination spilled through him. Self-awareness. For, he saw now, he’d spent too long hiding from his feelings, pretending they didn’t exist.
Yet they did. They were so deep, so broad, so all-encompassing he wondered how he’d managed to pretend they weren’t there.
He shook with a palsy that stemmed from the most profound fear he’d ever known.
A fear that he’d hounded Lina into despising him. Into no longer caring for him.
He sprang back from the railing, adrenaline pulsing in his blood like the gush of oil from a desert well. His brain went into hyper-drive. Words wouldn’t be enough to undo the damage he’d done. It would probably take years to get her to trust him, if she let him get close enough to try. Yet he had to convince her of his feelings.
Sayid shook his head as he strode back through his chambers.
Suddenly negotiating a peace deal with the Sheikh of Jeirut seemed simple. It was child’s play compared with what he faced.
Doubt battered him. Not doubt about his feelings, but about his chances of success.
Terror wedged like a knife below his ribs, making it hard to breathe. But Sayid forced himself on. He couldn’t give up, simply because he couldn’t imagine his world without Lina in it.
* * *
Lina kept her head up as she walked through the wide reception hall with its double storey pillars and vast gilded ceiling.
The chamberlain had assured her the bag she’d hastily packed would be delivered to the taxi she’d ordered. For a moment she’d been tempted to sneak out the back entrance, the servants’ entrance where she’d first arrived all those years ago, so she didn’t meet anyone she knew. But pride demanded she exit through the main doors. Besides, she’d promised herself she’d look in on Makram in his office on her way out.
Not, she assured herself, for a possible last glimpse of Sayid. Just to thank Makram for his kindness and friendship.
Lina bit her lip and continued on her way, trying to distract her thoughts by concentrating on the magnificence surrounding her, rather than the raw pain pulsing inside.
Halfway across the echoing space she became aware of footsteps behind her. Steady yet quick, they came closer and closer. Her nape prickled and she swallowed hard.
It was not Sayid. Her mind played tricks. If Sayid saw her he’d pivot on his heel and walk away. The things she’d said to him—
‘Lina!’
A jolt of fire ripped through her, turning her lungs to an inferno and searing through her efforts at composure. She blinked back the sudden, terrible glaze of heat behind her eyes and kept walking, her pace faltering but persistent.
In the distance she saw a couple of Sayid’s advisers, absorbed in discussion, cross the doorway that led to the audience chamber. A woman, one of the education advisers, passed into another corridor leading to the royal offices.
This was too public a place to face Sayid.
A bubble of desperate laughter rose in her parched throat. It didn’t matter where she was, she couldn’t talk to him. Not when misery and grief filled her.
Her heart ached. Her whole body—
‘Lina. Please!’ He was right behind her and there was something in his voice that made her stumble to a halt. She told herself her own desperation had made her imagine it. It wasn’t possible Sayid felt like that.
Yet now she’d stopped she couldn’t seem to start again. Even though she felt the warmth of his tall frame at her back and heard his breathing above her ear. He was too close! She’d never be able to conceal her feelings.
‘Aren’t you going to look at me?’ His voice was deep and soft. The suede voice she remembering from lovemaking and from midnight chats as she lay curled in his arms.
Fiercely she blinked, fighting back welling emotion. It wasn’t fair. He wasn’t fair! Using that voice when he knew it made her melt.
Since when has life been fair, Lina?
‘Please?’
It was a breath of air drifting over her scalp, sending trickles of awareness down her nape and spine, drawing her belly tight and making her nipples pucker.
She was so weak around Sayid. She’d tried to be strong for such a long time but now her resolve turned to water.
With a sigh and a silent prayer, she turned.
The man before her stole her breath.
For once it wasn’t because of that jolt of attraction, the awareness of his charismatic good looks. It was his expression that stunned her. Even his posture was different. Not arrogantly or even tenderly confident.
Sayid looked...lost. His features drawn. The tension in his big frame vibrated into the air around him. His mouth was a flat line, not with ire, but something that looked like nerves. And his eyes!
Lina swayed towards him, drawn by the look in his eyes. It was only when he grabbed her elbows and a new kind of heat washed through her that she realised how close she’d moved.
She tried to step back but his hands were rock-hard.
‘No. Please.’ Lina frowned. Even his voice sounded different. ‘We must talk.’
Common sense told her to walk away because talking with Sayid would only give her time to weaken. Instead she found herself saying, ‘Not here. It’s too public.’
They were in the palace, but right at the heart of the public rooms. People passing couldn’t hear what they said, but they were in full view of any passers-by.
Sayid’s mouth quirked up at one side in a parody of a smile. Even that sent a pang through her chest. ‘That’s exactly why it has to be here.’
‘I don’t understand.’ Lina told herself that didn’t matter. She owed it to herself to get away before he used her feelings for him to bend her to his will, yet she couldn’t summon the energy to move.
‘You deserve more than a secret affair, Lina, as if you’re not good enough to be acknowledged publicly.’
His words struck at the core of icy hurt lodged inside her, yet she couldn’t let that matter. ‘I know you want to do the right thing by me publicly. But marriage—’
‘No! That’s not what I want.’
Lina frowned. He didn’t want to marry her any more? Of course he didn’t. She’d rejected him and insulted him to boot. A proud man like Sayid wouldn’t come back for more.
‘I proposed...’ Again that stark parody of a smile. ‘No, I didn’t even have the decency to propose, did I?’ He hefted a deep breath but it didn’t still the tremor she felt in his large hands.
Suddenly Lina felt not only out of her depth but scared. She’d never seen Sayid like this, so drawn and vulnerable. Of their own volition her hands went to his chest, curling into the fine weave of his suit. Beneath her right hand his heart sprinted like her own.
‘Sayid, what is it?’ She shouldn’t care yet she did. Her love for him wasn’t a tap she could turn off at will.
‘I don’t deserve your concern, Lina. Not yet at least.’ He lifted one hand to her face, tracing from her cheek down to her jaw and lingering at her throat, making waves of desire curl and crest within her.
&nbs
p; ‘I said marriage between us would protect you. That my concern was for your reputation. And that was true, as far as it went.’
Beneath her hand Lina felt his chest rise on a mighty breath. ‘But still I lied.’
Her eyes widened and he nodded. ‘I’m not proud of it. I’m not proud of the way I’ve treated you. You were right—I behaved as if you were a toy someone had snatched away. As if I had a right to you.’
His hand came to rest on her shoulder, his fingers kneading gently. ‘No one has that right, Lina.’
She nodded, feeling the weight of his words and at the same time experiencing a lightening inside where pain resided. It meant so much that he understood.
‘But how did you lie to me?’
She watched his expression cloud with something that almost looked like fear. ‘I lied by letting you think I was driven by concern for your reputation. At the time I believed it. Well—’ he shrugged ‘—by that and lust.’ Fire simmered in the look he sent her and she felt the burn right to her toes.
‘What I didn’t tell you, what I didn’t acknowledge to myself, was that I cared about you, Lina, not as a mistress or a ward. Not as a responsibility.’ He paused and she heard him swallow. ‘But as the only woman I’ve ever loved.’
Lina stared up into his proud face, seeing for the first time the truth in those dark eyes that so often before had been unreadable.
Shock slammed into her and she staggered, only Sayid’s hold keeping her upright.
‘Lina? Lina! Are you all right?’
All right? When the man she’d adored since she was seventeen said he loved her?
‘Do you mean it?’ She wanted so much to believe but it was too incredible.
‘More than anything, sweet Lina.’ This time his half-smile held the smoky promise that always made her toes curl. ‘You’re the sun and the stars to me, habib albi. You are my heart and my soul. You make me want to be a better man.’