How to Lose Your Virginity ...and how not to (Real Stories about the First Time)

by Wickens, Shawn

  My friend asked "How was it?" I said, "I finished so fast. You will too." Then I remember she went to wash and my friend went after me. A week later we were studying together. We were smoking outside on the balcony and Suad came outside and she said, "Do you want to come upstairs?" I said, "All right I will come. Me and my friend." And her face changed and she said, "No, I want just you." I don't know can it be the size? But I know exactly that’s what it was. In Egypt it is a little different. We kiss each other and as men we know we're not gay. I can walk in the bathroom while he’s taking a shower and use the bathroom in front of him and it's no problem. Yes we trust each other like I'm a man, you're a man, so no problem. But he was like, "Uhhhh...," always hiding. I had a chance to see his penis and it was small. So I figured out why Suad liked me more.

  All together I was with Suad three times, but we had to stop because our arrangement would look embarrassing and shameful and you can get killed for this. So I can be killed and she can be killed because that’s the thing in the religion, the Muslim religion and in that society. If she were still married she could be put in a hall and she can be thrown at with rocks until she dies. And me not being married, I would have 100 slashes on my back as religious punishment.

  For husbands or parents, these are her owners. For owners it’s totally different. It's like her parents and brothers think, "How can she be a whore? So to claim that her owners to be clear of shame, they can kill her. And they have the right but he will go to jail for that but in a way this is like casual. That's what we do over there.

  I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP

  Bjorn, 34

  The most interesting aspect of the whole thing was not necessarily the experience in and of itself, but the circumstances in which it happened. Where the act itself was pretty banal, the situation was pretty mind-blowing.

  I was raised Roman Catholic and I had a great relationship and a very functional relationship, not the kind of relationship you hear about on the news nowadays, with a Catholic priest. He was a mentor and I used to help him out at the youth center he ran.

  When I started coming into my own and becoming an adult and all that sort of stuff, discovering my sexuality, I met a girl who I was totally attracted to. Rachel and I ended up getting together and when we actually did it, I lost my virginity with her in this priest’s bed.

  So what makes it interesting is, I guess, the irony of it. Roman Catholicism, pre-marital sex, the fact that I had this relationship with a priest, which wasn’t suspect by any means. But I lost it in a priest’s bed, which was taboo on top of taboo on top of taboo.

  I used to work with disadvantaged youth at this facility he ran in northwest Indiana, so I had access to all of the facilities. I had all the keys. He was out of town for about four days so I called Rachel who made the trek from Elgin, Illinois, out to Schererville, Indiana. We hung out and ended up having sex in the only place that was available.

  STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

  Liraz, 33

  I grew up in a very religious background – ultra religious; Hassidic, Orthodox Jewish in Brooklyn, New York. Boys and girls were segregated growing up so I really didn’t have much contact with boys at all. For this reason I could not have sex in such close proximity to my family; I was way too scared. I was under so much pressure to not have sex until I was married that I just felt I couldn’t even be near my family when I did it. The first time I gave myself permission to even think about sex was when I was 23 and I went to study Spanish for a semester abroad in Madrid, Spain.

  My family was not happy about me going. The last thing my grandmother said to me before I left was, "Your grandfather is very worried that you’re going to have trouble with men." I asked, "What kind of trouble?" She said, "You know… trouble." When I arrived in Madrid I decided that I had to sleep with somebody… anybody.

  I was looking around for somebody but every guy who was hitting on me seemed scary, or they just looked too adult for my taste as I was just starting out sexually. I didn’t have to like the guy even. My one criteria was that he had to be cute and not scary looking. I didn’t want him to look too old for fear I’d be intimidated.

  There was a bookstore across the street from where I lived and I remember walking through the door and seeing him at the register. I immediately thought, "That’s the guy I’m sleeping with. As long as he’s single, that’s him."

  I went home and told my roommates, I said, "I found the guy I’m going to sleep with." She was like, "Liraz, it does not work that way. Something has to happen. He was to be interested." I was like, "No. It will happen."

  Later I went back to the store and I asked him if there was a library nearby. That was my little opening line. He gave me directions to the library but then we just got to talking about random stuff and the next thing you know we were talking for about 10 minutes. That was it; then I left.

  A couple of days later I ran into him on the street and he was so nice, like, "Hi," then kiss-kiss. You know, like the Spanish do. We talked on the street and he asked me if I wanted to go to a movie so we went out.

  At the end of the night we went to this public park where people, straight people, everybody, go to have sex. For gay people it’s like a picnic. Straight people who go there to have sex usually know each other already. Gay people, you can watch men pick each other up then disappear into the bushes. Then you see other gay men just watching. It’s really weird. Anyway, there’s tons of prostitutes, tons of transsexuals. It’s a beautiful park and it’s shown in this independent Spanish film I can’t remember the name of – All About My Mother, maybe? Anyway a transsexual goes to this park in the movie and that’s where I had sex for the very first time – in that same park.

  He started kissing me and he was a good kisser. We went into the bushes to have sex but we didn’t have a condom so he got one off of a prostitute and I later found out that he didn’t have to pay for it because he had been supplying a lot of the prostitutes with pot so they all knew him.

  But he was just adorable, and 17… no stubble on his face so he wasn’t scary to me at all – just beautiful, like a little model. But it was really funny because we had to stop midway and he put his pants back on to get a condom and he’s running up to all these prostitutes with this big erection.

  He was just out of high school and this was funny because he was asking my permission to do every little thing. So at first he was like, "Is it OK I touch you? Is it OK I kiss you?" But then in the middle of sex he was asking about every little thing like, "Is it OK my penis is in your vagina?" I clearly remember him asking me that. I was like, "Yes. I told you you could do everything. Whatever you want to do you can do it." He stopped asking. We had sex and after he finished he took the condom off and he hung it over a branch. After we were done I found out he had a sex education class just before he graduated and they told him he had to ask before doing any kind of sexual act, which explains why he was asking my permission for every little thing. I thought that was funny.

  I went home and told my roommate what happened. She didn’t believe me so I told her, "Come to the park with me. I bet you the condom is still there." The next day we went to the park and the condom was still hanging on that branch. I had my camera on me so I snapped a picture of it.

  NON-MUSLIMS ARE NOT PERMITTED TO ENTER MECCA

  Neil, 39

  She was Pakistani, a Muslim. Therefore she wasn’t supposed to have sex. I’m a Hindu so for me it doesn’t make a difference. We do whatever we want. But this Pakistani woman had a boyfriend and everything. She was older, maybe about six years older than me. I met her at some party. I was just playing it off real cool, whatever. She just took me to her place. She told me she had a boyfriend and everything. She really just wanted to do it.

  She was the kind of person who did all this bad stuff behind closed doors but then when she was out in public she sort of put on this front. In public she was very, very much an Islamic woman. It was only behind closed doors that she let out her sexuality
. She was really good in bed and she was drop-dead gorgeous, could have been a supermodel. It was pretty fascinating for a first sexual experience. I felt it for days afterwards, like arms wrapped around my body. So magical and it was kind of wild to do it with someone who wasn’t supposed to.

  I remember we got pepperoni pizza. And pepperoni is against the rules of her religion too, so she was cheating on her boyfriend and eating a forbidden food. I think she needed to do everything that was naughty for her culture.

  I didn't feel bad. It's not like I was corrupting her, these things were all her doing. I was just young and felt lucky to be along for the ride.

  EVANGELICALISM VS. THE REFORMATION

  Laura L., 29

  I went to private school my whole life and in high school, after two years of dating we finally decided to have sex. So my boyfriend and I went to my parents' house while they were gone and we had sex, nothing big – basic, preacher style sex. And as soon as we were done he got off the bed, got on his knees, and prayed to God to forgive us.

  He's saying like, "Holy shit, we're sinners," and, "We're going to hell," and, "Dammit, I really screwed up." And I thought, "Well, I love you. You love me. We're gonna get married. Everything's fine." A full two years after that he still had that angst-ridden, God-is-going-to-judge-us thing so we finally broke up.

  We were both from religious backgrounds. He was raised, "You're going straight to hell – Church of Christ." I was raised Lutheran. We drink and we're OK and God loves us no matter what and he's like, "Well, I'm Church of Christ and holy shit and we're going to hell. Ahhhh!" It was awful.

  We did try to have sex again maybe once more the whole rest of the time we were together. I wanted to have sex and he got really mad and threw me against the wall and had sex with me and said, "That’s it. Never again."

  PAGANS

  Jerry, 25

  Hell of a chick that Valerie D’Arbanville. There was literally a spark the first time we touched. We were outside walking to class, I went to hold her hand and there was a shock, it was electrical. Yeah, we had good chemistry.

  We did it on a bed that had the posts slanted in to form this pyramid shape above us to channel cosmic energy. This chick’s mom was into New Age stuff. It was my first time so I have no idea if it helped anything. The cosmic energy sure didn’t help me last long, that’s for sure.

  ***

  That night, we had sex in a cemetery because it was nearby. But it wasn't until years later that it dawned on me that I also did it as a way to rebel against my staunchly religious grandmother.

  Ralph, 30

  Boynton Beach, Florida

  ***

  Chapter 14

  "IF I HAD THE CHANCE 2 DO IT ALL AGAIN…

  I WOULDN'T CHANGE A STROKE…"

  These have a sense of nostalgia. The stories grouped in this chapter are here not so much for what they are but more for the look in people’s eyes as they relived their past. As was indicated to me by Mark, who has the first story in this chapter, "I hadn’t thought about that in years." The chapter title comes from Prince’s "Raspberry Beret" and the line that precedes it in the song is, "They say the first time ain't the greatest… But…" for these individuals their first was a declaration, a realization, a discovery that sex is good, sex can be fun.

  THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

  Mark, 41

  I was 16. My folks let me go on this trip with this friend of mine, which was unique for them, but they let it happen. I think my friend was 18 or 19 at the time. He had a Jeep CJ-5 and we cruised around Vermont, New Hampshire. and upstate New York. We were driving back from some wilderness in Vermont, coming into New York, heading to a campground we had seen on the map. It was maybe 11, 12 o’clock at night and there were these two girls hitchhiking on the side of the road. My friend and I just look at each other. So we pick up these girls, the one was tall and skinny the other shorter and stocky. We took them to our primitive campsite which had a bunch of these three-sided buildings that you just threw down your bedroll in. And we wound up having sex with the two girls, one tall and skinny and the other short and stocky.

  The trip was a phenomenal trip. Earlier we were camped out on some lake and I caught some trout, gutted ‘em and cooked ‘em right there and had dinner on the side of the lake. It was such a cathartic trip for a 16-year-old, being out in the wilderness.

  This was 1976… 1977, or something like that. And here were these girls on the side of the road. I can’t even remember their names, and all they wanted to do was have sex. They were just waiting for someone to drive down the road, pick them up and have sex with them.

  It happened pretty much right away, all of us in this tent thing. There was this uncomfortable switch-over moment and it was raw and strange and it wasn’t like prom night. The second girl was more fun. She had a sexy attitude, I do remember that. That first time it was like, oh here’s this with the first girl then here’s that with the second girl. I probably can’t do the emotion of the situation justice stating everything so matter of factly, it was actually kind of cool. But then we dropped ‘em off at some trailer park and that was that.

  Years later I thought back on it, and you know, you have sex with two chicks and you don’t know who they are or anything about them, several states away. You don’t really think of it when you’re 21, or 25, or 29 but when you get to be like 35 you’re like, "I don’t have any kids, but I wonder if I do."

  ***

  I had been masturbating from a young age. And I’m a very sexual person. So it wasn’t a surprise to me that it wasn’t painful at all. It was just amazing… it was really good. I actually orgasmed, which I guess a lot of girls don’t, but I did. And James and I were elated. It just made you want to high five afterwards. You’re like, "sweet." You know? We’re not virgins anymore. Afterwards we just laid there, grinning like idiots. And from then on it was sex all the time.

  Rochelle, 24

  Lyndhurst, Ohio

  ***

  I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO DONNY SO-AND-SO

  Michelle, 35

  It was with my best friend at the time. We weren’t dating or anything, he and I were just really good friends. We were out drinking one night, whooping it up as you’re prone to at 19. A girlfriend was driving, designated driver or whatever. We stopped to get cigarettes. Donny knew that I loved strawberries and he walks out with this huge strawberry ice cream cone. He got in the backseat and he kinda like wriggled his eyes at me, so I crawled over the backseat too.

  We’re sharing an ice cream cone, our friend is driving, and we started making out. I had never kissed him before. The weird part was we had actually got a hotel room the night before because I was too drunk to drive. We slept in the same bed but nothing happened.

  So we’re making out, we’re licking strawberry ice cream. My friend says, "Um, I’m kinda feeling awkward." She was mad because a mutual friend of ours had a crush on him. I tell her to take us to my car. My Chevette was parked facing the beach out where they dock boats in our home town. It starts raining and a Living Colour song was playing on the radio. They were on tour, opening up for the Rolling Stones and had just done an in-store appearance at the Camelot record store I worked at. So I was really into that band at the time.

  We finished the ice cream. "Where are we gonna go?" He directed me to a secluded spot and we had sex in my Chevette. July 30th of my 19th year. I always remember the day, I still always kind of celebrate it in a way. Then it happened every day for about the next three weeks. In my car, outside in the park, on the tennis courts.

  He drank a lot. He was a troubled guy, a very troubled soul. I think that was part of the attraction ‘cause my dad, he’s a very troubled guy.

  Donny moved but I stayed close to his family.

  Two years later I was at a party playing "chandeliers" with this girl; it’s a drinking game kind of like quarters. We were drunk at this party playing Chandeliers and this girl flippantly says, "Yeah, well I lost my virginity to Donny so-and-so." And I
was like, "Oh my god, me too." She lost hers at 16, I lost mine at 19. We bonded over the fact that we lost our virginity to the same guy and we’re still best friends to this day. She’s pregnant and I’m her birthing coach because her husband can’t handle it.

  ***

  We both decided we were in love and it was the right thing to do. I wanted it to be special so we got some candles and rose petals. We were in my childhood bedroom and we made love. The whole act from start to finish took probably about 45 minutes to get it right. If one of us messed up, we just took time to figure it out and continue.

  Connie, 22

  Lakewood, OH

  ***

  CRUSHING ROCKS

  Paul, 43

  I was working as a clerk in some office. I asked a co-worker out and on the third date she took me down to a quarry on the south shore, 25 miles outside of Boston. She took me there with the intent of having sex with her. I had waited so fucking long. I was in college, that was a long time waiting. I knew before we even went up there that that was the night. It was just a question of where.