by james
“Of course you can! Millions of people live every day without me! Get back in the booth, please!”
Alex shook his head. “I’m not getting up off this floor until you say you’ll
marry me. I need you! You’re everything I’ve ever wanted!”
“I am not! I’m an inconsiderate, unaffectionate, bad girlfriend!”
“But you’ve changed! I can see it in your eyes! Everything about you is different! Marry me, Melody! I’m begging you!”
Melody thought for a second that he was going to grab her feet and start sobbing into her shoes. This had gone just a smidgen differently than planned. “Please, get up off the floor. You’re making a scene.”
“We have something special, Melody. We were made for each other! If you won’t marry me, at least take me back into your life as a lover! I’ll be good to you! I swear!”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because…” The stars aren’t in alignment. I’ve killed somebody and have to
leave the country. I’m in love with Tim.
I’m in love with Tim.
She thought for a long moment. Could she forgive Tim? Did he even want
her anymore?
“Because…I’ve become a lesbian.”
Alex’s knees nearly slipped out from under him. “You’ve what?”
“I’ve become a lesbian. I’d been toying with it for a few months now, and you leaving me clinched it. I haven’t gone out and done anything lesbian-related yet, but I will as soon as I get a chance.” She looked around at all the restaurant patrons who were staring at her. “None of you have a problem with that, do you? I’d hate to think I was in a restaurant full of homophobes.”
“You have not become a lesbian,” said Alex.
“No, really, I’ve crossed over.” Melody nodded at a blonde in the adjacent booth. “Nice tits. Are they real?”
Very good, Ms. Talaway. You have now embarrassed yourself beyond all reasonable comprehension. What you need to do now, aside from finding a nice cave where you can shield yourself from humanity for the rest of your life, is get out of this restaurant before you disgrace yourself to the point of no return. Say good-bye to the nice gawkers and leave.
“I’m leaving now before I humiliate myself any further.” Melody turned to go. She crashed into their waiter and knocked their drinks to the floor.
Summoning as much dignity as she could manage, which wasn’t a hell of a lot, she proceeded to walk out the door without looking back.
“That was rather quaint,” Karen remarked.
“Yes, it was,” Tim agreed. He wanted nothing more than to get up and rush out of the restaurant after Melody, but that would probably cause more problems. Best to just give her a call later tonight.
Alex remained motionless, still on his knees, staring at the door in shock. “She’s…not here anymore…” he whimpered.
The other diners returned to their meals, whispering amongst themselves. The blonde with nice tits appeared to have lost her appetite.
“She’s gone…” said Alex. “She went right out the door…that door…the one over there…”
“That is correct,” said Karen.
Reluctantly, Alex got up off the floor and scooted into the booth. “I can’t believe it. Do you think it went so badly because I didn’t have a ring?”
“That probably wasn’t it,” said Tim.
“Oh.”
Alex sat there for a moment.
“Oh,” he repeated.
“Are you going to be okay?” asked Karen.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Peachy, actually. Hunky-dory to the eighth power. Mr. Grin—that’s me.” Alex leaned forward and looked Tim in the eye. “Have you ever loved somebody so deeply you thought you might burst, and then lost her because of your own stupidity?”
Tim nodded.
“She was absolutely wonderful. Well, that’s not true, but she had the potential to be absolutely wonderful, and now she is that wonderful! I could tell just by looking at her tonight that she’d changed. It’s one of those horrible catch-22’s—I had to leave her for her to change, but now that she’s changed she won’t take me back because I left her.”
“You’re right,” said Tim, “but sometimes it’s enough to know that you had loved somebody, even if they’re not with you anymore.”
“Yeah, right,” Alex muttered.
“No, it’s the truth,” Karen insisted. “It’s best to put the past behind you,
forget about old loves and make room for new ones. If she walked out on you after you offered your hand in marriage, she isn’t worth having.”
Tim looked at her, a bit concerned. What happened to her pretentious word choices?
“But I need her!” said Alex. “I have to have her in my life! At least she’ll be back, though; she forgot her purse.”
“Do you really want to be with someone who can’t keep track of their own possessions?” asked Karen.
“I think I need to start smoking.” Alex reached into Melody’s purse. He took out a pack of cigarettes, along with some folded pieces of paper that were on top. He opened them and looked them over. “Look, she’s writing a new story. If I hadn’t been so jealous about all the time she spent writing, my life wouldn’t be in shreds right now. But maybe if I tell her how wonderful this story is, she’ll take me back.” He glanced at the first page and frowned. His frown grew as he continued reading.
“See? She needs me. She completely loses her writing ability without me around. I mean, I’m just skimming it and it’s so bad it’s almost a parody. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever…”
He trailed off and continued reading.
“Obviously there’s going to be a mourning period,” said Tim. “But once she gets over the initial loneliness, her writing will probably be better than ever.”
“And your life will probably be better than ever,” added Karen.
Alex continued reading, looking more and more distraught.
“Something wrong?” asked Karen.
“Huh? Oh, no, everything’s fine.” He favored Tim with a glance that Tim
couldn’t help but find a little bit hostile. “I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your last name. Niffster, Naffster…?”
“Neffster.”
“Neffster, that’s right. Tim Neffster. So, Tim Neffster, what do you do for a living?”
“I own a café. Dual Streams. Have you ever eaten there?”
Alex checked something in the story, and then shook his head. “No, but a café is sure a nice thing to own. I mean, we’re sitting in a restaurant right now, which is just a variation on a café. I bet the food at yours is just yummy.”
“Is everything all right?” asked Tim. “I mean, excluding everything that wasn’t all right before?”
“Everything’s fine. Hey, would you like to hear a secret?”
Tim was starting to grow concerned about Alex’s mental condition. Nevertheless he nodded. “Okay.”
“I don’t want to say it out loud. Lean forward.”
Tim leaned forward. “What’s the secret?”
The secret was preceded by a violent punch to the face that knocked Tim out of the booth and onto the floor. “She was mine first!” Alex shouted.
* * * * *
Melody hadn’t even tried to convince herself that her night couldn’t possibly get worse. And shortly after she drove away from the restaurant, she realized that this had been sound thinking.
No purse.
The concept of “no purse” was bad enough in general, but “no purse with the story written for Tim, which Alex, being eternally nosy, could very well look at” increased the level of badness by several notches.
Yeah, it would be embarrassing to walk back into the restaurant, but she had to deal with it. Basically all it meant was that instead of losing gobs and gobs and gobs of dignity, she’d lose gobs and gobs and gobs and gobs of dignity. Not a big deal. She’d recover in a few decades.
She made a U-turn and headed back.
* * * * *
“And if you ever come back, I’m calling the police!” shouted the waiter as Tim, Alex, and Karen were ushered out into the parking lot. Tim’s cheek stung and his lip was bleeding where it had connected with his teeth. Alex may have been a major loser, but he had one doozy of a right hook.
“I can’t believe you!” Alex gave Tim a violent shove. “Sitting there right in front of me, pretending that you didn’t know her! How long have you been sleeping with her? Three months? Four?”
“It’s not like that!” Tim insisted.
“Don’t lie to me! I saw the story she wrote for you! No wonder she acted the
way she did…she had somebody else on the side!”
Karen looked confused. “I thought she was a lesbian.”
“Look, I don’t know what story you’re talking about,” Tim insisted, “but I
promise you that—”
Tim was cut off by another punch to the face, which knocked him against a rusty green truck. “Shut up!” shouted Alex. “You’re not going to get her. I
promise you that!”
Karen stepped between the two men. “Stop it! You’ll kill him!”
Tim moved away from the truck and frowned. Kill him? Karen thought Alex
would kill him? It wasn’t like he was some scrawny little twerp who couldn’t defend himself. He was her date for the evening…where was her faith?
“Get out of my way,” Alex demanded.
Karen shook her head. “There’s no reason to hurt him any more.”
“He didn’t hurt me,” said Tim.
“As soon as she gets out of my way I will.” Alex pointed a threatening finger at Tim. “And how dare you take this poor girl out when you’re sleeping with somebody else?”
“Oh, it wasn’t a real date or anything,” said Karen. “We’re just friends. I’m not involved with anyone at the moment.”
“Listen to me, here’s the truth,” said Tim. “I met Melody Saturday night, after you dumped her. She was not cheating on you with me. We didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, so we didn’t say anything to either of you. That’s all.”
“That’s fine,” said Karen. “He’s being honest, we can all still be friends, nobody has to get beaten up, and now Tim can go chase after his lady love and
win back her heart. That does leave me needing a ride home, but I’m sure something can be arranged.”
Tim frowned. “He wasn’t going to beat me up. I can fight.”
“Of course you can,” said Karen.
“I’m serious! And he punched me before I was ready!”
“Are you ready now?” Alex demanded.
“You bet I’m ready.”
“Alex, don’t!” said Karen. “Hurting him won’t make you feel better!”
“What about me hurting him?” asked Tim. “What the hell is this? There’s just as much of a chance of me beating him up as there is of him beating me up!”
“Yeah?” snarled Alex. “Prove it?”
“I will.”
They both raised their fists, and then simultaneously threw a powerful punch at each other. Their fists collided. Hard. Both opponents staggered away from each other, cradling their hands in terrible pain.
“Ow, ow, ow, ow,” Tim whimpered.
“Oh, fuck that stings!” Alex winced.
Tim pointed to Alex with his non-hurting hand. “See, Karen? He’s in pain too!”
Suddenly the fight was forgotten as they all turned toward the horrible screech coming from the street.
* * * * *
“I love you,” whispered Diane Harcourt, snuggling closer against Walter. He’d been a wonderful husband in the four months they’d been married, and it wasn’t just because he was incredibly, astoundingly, drool-producingly wealthy. She’d love him just as much if his total worth was only in the upper six figures.
Despite the pressures of owning an amazingly successful business, Walter was able to devote a great deal of his time to lavishing attention upon her. And he hadn’t stopped now that the honeymoon was over (well, technically over, though last week they had made a quick trip back to Paris to catch some of the stuff they missed because so much time was spent in the hotel room).
Of course, her marriage to Tim had been fantastic at first, too. But she didn’t have to worry—Walter wouldn’t fizzle out the way her ex-husband had. She wouldn’t let him. She envisioned herself being with him forever, especially because she’d signed that prenuptial agreement.
Walter smiled, but didn’t take his eyes off the road as they traveled down the street. He was an extremely careful driver, which wasn’t surprising considering that each of the Rolls Royces in his collection had just been completely restored.
He kept a chauffeur on staff, but basically paid the guy to sit around since Walter could never bring himself to let anyone else drive one of his automobiles.
“I love you as well,” he said in his usual I’m-giving-careful-consideration-to-each-and-every-word-that-comes-out-of-my-mouth voice. “More than you can imagine.”
“You know, I was thinking, maybe after dinner we could drive over to the beach and…oh my God…”
“We’re going to do something at the beach which merits an ‘Oh my God?’ I can hardly wait.”
“No, no, that restaurant we just passed. I think that was my ex-husband getting punched out in the parking lot. Loop around the block and drive past it again.”
“Why should I do that?”
“Because I want to see for sure if it’s him. I think that was his car—you can tell because it has the dent in the front where he hit the school. Make a left here.”
Walter sighed. “Sweetheart, we have reservations. What difference does it make if it was him getting punched out? Do you want to referee? What purpose does going back serve?”
“Because I’m curious. If that was Tim getting hit, I’m interested in seeing who’s hitting him and why. And we could, you know, park our car right next to
his, to accentuate the differences.”
“That’s very petty.”
“I haven’t been rich long enough to stop being petty. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
“Absolutely not. I have nothing against your ex-husband, and have no desire
to delay my filet mignon to engage in a game of ‘nanny nanny boo boo.’”
“What if he needs our help?”
“I have no attachments to him, either. Why should I want to help him?”
“Do it because you’re madly in love with me and would do anything in the world, including sacrifice your own life, to make me happy.”
“Did I say I’d sacrifice my own life? That sounds like something I’d remember.”
“You implied it that one time.”
“Oh. Very well, I’ll turn around.”
* * * * *
Melody took her eyes off the road as she realized that Tim, Alex, and Karen were all standing in the parking lot of the restaurant. Their topic of conversation did not appear to be something like how adorable kittens looked when they meowed and played with yarn. Something about the way Alex was shaking his fist and shouting indicated that things had not progressed smoothly after she’d left.
She returned her eyes to the road and realized that she’d drifted halfway into the opposite lane. She also realized that another vehicle, a Rolls Royce that looked even more expensive than the Mercedes she’d hit a few days ago, was drifting into her lane. Though a ten-to-twenty year coma may have just been the solution to all of her problems, she nevertheless jerked the steering wheel sharply to the right and tried to swerve in time.
* * * * *
“It is him! I can’t believe it!” exclaimed Diane.
“Is he still getting hit?” Walter craned his neck to see.
“No, he’s just standing there while this guy…honey, I don’t think this is the
lane you want to be in…”
Walter looked back at the
road, gasped, and slammed on the brakes. A little too late.
Upon impact, Diane, who had decided to stop buckling her safety belt after marrying Walter (since any fines the police might slap on her were a mere pittance to somebody with her wealth), rocketed forward, bashing her forehead against the dashboard with severe force. She slumped backward and was still.
* * * * *
Tim, Alex, and Karen watched in horror as Melody’s truck smashed into the Rolls Royce, causing it to bounce up onto the curb and into the parking lot, its entire front end destroyed.
They rushed over to the totaled vehicle. Melody’s truck was also severely damaged, but she looked reasonably unharmed as she got out and staggered in the direction of the other car.
“Oh my God…oh my God…are they okay?”
I’ve killed somebody! That car is going to be filled with research material for one of my books and I’ll be too wracked with guilt to appreciate it!
Tim made a strange noise, like a cross between a whimper and choking to death on a gigantic chicken bone. Karen rushed around to the other side of the car and tried to assist the driver, who looked shaken up but not injured.
“What’s wrong?” asked Melody, totally panicked and trying not to hyperventilate. “Is she dead?”
“It’s my ex-wife!” Tim shrieked. “My ex-wife, right here! I’ve died and gone to hell!”
Melody placed her hand on his shoulder. “Tim, calm down!”
“Calm down? I’ve just had my ex-wife dropped in my lap! There’s no way this is a coincidence! This is punishment for some big-ass sins!”
Several people were rushing out of the restaurant toward the wreck. Alex took Melody by the arm and glared at her. “After we find out if she’s alive or not, you’ve got some serious explaining to do.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Yes, Tim was officially in Hell, local temperature 2700 degrees Fahrenheit. There was no other explanation for his ex-wife suddenly dropping in on the festivities, albeit in an unusually silent condition.
Everyone sat in the waiting room of the hospital…well, waiting. Tim wanted to make sure Diane was okay, so he’d followed the ambulance. Melody had insisted upon coming along, and Alex had insisted upon coming along with her, and Karen had insisted upon coming along with him, so they were all here. Alex stood against the far wall, staring at a particularly interesting patch of air, and Karen looked like she was unsuccessfully trying to cheer him up. Tim, Melody, and Walter sat on a couch, waiting for an update from the doctor. Diane was alive but still unconscious, and the extent of her injuries had yet to be determined.