by james
Unfortunately, the next person to enter the room was not the doctor, nor any member of the medical profession. The temperature in Hell rose a few hundred degrees as Sylvia walked in and made a beeline for the couch.
“Oh, my poor little girl! My poor sweetheart!” she wailed. “How is she? How is my precious daughter?”
“We don’t know yet.” Walter’s voice was soft and dejected. “Nothing’s broken, but she hit her head pretty hard.”
“Oh, this is horrible! My poor angel!” Sylvia glared at Tim. “This is all your fault!”
Tim sat up straight. “My fault? How could it be my fault? I wasn’t in either car!”
“If you hadn’t divorced my daughter, she never would have been in that car. And obviously you have some feelings of guilt about the whole situation or you wouldn’t be here right now.”
“I’m concerned about her! I just want to know if she’s okay.”
“A likely story. You’re probably hanging around just so you can be present if the doctor tells us that she’s dead!”
Walter let out an agonized sob and buried his face in his hands.
“See what you’re making him go through?” asked Sylvia. “Now move out of
the way so I can comfort my new son-in-law.”
“I’m not sure I dislike the guy enough to leave him alone with you,” Tim remarked.
“Move. You’re disrupting a family moment.”
Though about seven hundred and thirty-eight negative things to say about Sylvia crossed his mind at once, Tim exerted his self-control and stood up without saying any of them. He took Melody by the hand and walked to another
area of the waiting room.
“What was her name?” asked Melody.
“Sylvia.”
“Thanks. Next book, a character named Sylvia gets a gumball machine
shoved through her face.”
Tim forced a smile. “I guess we, uh, have some matters to discuss.”
Melody sighed. “I shouldn’t have left the house today. How often do you get to lose every shred of your dignity then seriously injure an innocent person in one night?”
“Not often.” Tim cleared his throat, preparing himself for some big-time groveling. “I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you about Karen. I know this sounds like the ultimate in wimpism, but she scares the hell out of me physically and intellectually. I knew deep inside that she wouldn’t really hurt me if I cancelled our date, but I couldn’t shake this vivid image of gonad destruction! I just couldn’t do it! And I didn’t want to tell you because, well, this degree of cowardice is tough to confess. I’m sorry.”
“I guess in a few years we’ll look back on this night and only scream at thirty-five decibels instead of forty.”
“So, if I may ask, how did you happen to be at the same restaurant?”
Melody hesitated. “You know what, maybe we should just wipe this night off the map. It never happened. We’ll just pretend that I gave you the fake corpse, we went to bed, and forgot to wake up today. Sound good?”
“I don’t know, I’ve gotta admit, I really am very curious about how you wound up at Hansen’s.”
Before Melody could respond, they both turned their attention to the doctor as he entered the waiting room. He was a young, handsome guy who looked more like a movie star playing a doctor than an actual doctor. He walked over to the couch and smiled at Walter with his perfect, pearly-white teeth.
“She’s awake now. I can’t have everyone going in there to see her, but she asked for you.”
“Oh, thank God.” Walter stood up.
“Make sure you tell my baby that her mother is out here giving all her love,” said Sylvia. “It’s important that she knows I’m here for her. Don’t forget to tell her, Walter.”
The doctor blinked. “Walter? Aren’t you the husband?”
“Yes.”
“She asked for somebody named Tim.”
Tim stepped forward, hopelessly baffled. “That, uh, would be me, I guess.”
“Why would she ask to see him?” Walter demanded.
“I don’t know,” admitted the doctor. “All she said was ‘I want to see my husband. I want to see Tim.’”
“How would she even know I was here?” asked Tim.
“All right, both of you come with me,” said the doctor, leading Tim and
Walter through a door. They walked down a short hallway and into Diane’s private room. She was sitting up, propped against a pillow.
“Oh, I’m so glad to see you!” she exclaimed. “Come here…I need a kiss really bad.”
As Walter began to move toward the bed, Diane held up her palm as if to ward him off. “Who are you?”
“I’m Walter, your husband.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Tim is the only man in my life.” She beckoned to Tim. “Come here, Timmy,” she cooed. “I need you.”
Tim stared at her, gape-mouthed. He could feel a heart attack coming on, but at least this was the most convenient place for it. Once he was finally able to speak, he said, “I’m not your husband anymore, Diane.”
“Oh, stop that. Don’t tease me. Now where’s my kiss?”
“Medicate her,” Tim told the doctor. “Medicate her right now, before it’s too late!”
“Calm down, sir.”
“No! Give her a pill, some gas, an injection, shock therapy, anything!” Tim grabbed Walter by the shoulder and thrust him closer to Diane. “This is your husband. This is the man you love. He’s really rich! Take him!”
“I mean it, calm down.” The doctor crouched down next to the bed. “Diane, you’ve been in an accident, and you hit your head pretty hard. Can you tell me your full name?”
“Diane Lynne Neffster.”
Walter slapped his hand over his mouth and his gaze darted around the room, presumably looking for a good location to regurgitate. He rushed into the hallway.
“Harcourt!” said Tim. “Your last name is Harcourt! Har-court! Say it with me. Har-court!”
“Please don’t speak any more.” The doctor shot Tim a quelling look before
turning back to Diane. “Diane, can you tell me what happened to you tonight?”
“It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“That’s okay, I’m a doctor.”
Walter returned to the room, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “You may want to call a janitor,” he gasped.
The doctor ignored him. “Go ahead, Diane, tell me what you remember.”
“My husband and I were in the car, listening to romantic music over the CD player and heading toward Makeout Point to…you know…neck and stuff.”
“We were not,” said Tim. “My car doesn’t have a CD player, and I’ve never even heard of Makeout Point!”
“I’m not going to tell you again,” the doctor said. “One more comment from you and you’re waiting outside.”
“Don’t speak to my Timmy that way,” said Diane.
“I’m the one who takes you to Makeout Point!” Walter insisted. “I have the CD player in my car!”
“I know what you’re up to,” said Diane. “You’re trying to squirm your way into getting some of my money. People like you are all over. I know who I’m married to and his name is Tim Neffster.”
Tim didn’t say anything. He just shook his head in disbelief.
“And what happened to you on the way to Makeout Point?” asked the doctor.
Diane bit her lip, trying to suppress a grin. “I really shouldn’t tell you this. We were driving, and my dear Tim was whispering sweet nothings to me, like he always does, and the moment just seemed perfect to…you know…make him
happy.”
“In a mouth-related way?” the doctor inquired.
Diane nodded.
“That was me!” said Walter. “I’m the one you make happy in a mouth
related way!”
“Really?” asked Tim.
“Yes, really.”
“While you were driving?”
“Yes. Not tonight while I was driving, but frequently while I’m driving, yes.”
“She never did that to me when I was driving. She said she was scared we’d
get into an accident, or that we’d hit a bump and she’d bite me.”
“My car runs very smoothly,” said Walter. “At least it did. You can barely feel potholes.”
“Yeah, but still! I asked for that a bunch of times, and it was always ‘No, honey, it’s too dangerous! No, honey, somebody will see! No, honey, the
Novocain still hasn’t worn off!’ What’s the deal?”
“Maybe it’s the way you asked.”
“How did you ask?”
“I didn’t. She lunged for me.”
The doctor sighed. “I’m going to have to ask both of you to wait out in the hallway.”
“No!” said Diane. “I need my Timmy here with me!”
“Your Timmy will be right back.” The doctor glared over his shoulder at Tim
and Walter, and they both stepped out into the hallway.
“So, what, she just one day leaned over and—”
“Let’s drop it.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m sure everything will be okay,” said Tim. “Do you want me to hang around?”
“No. I’m going to have her flown to a hospital in New York where they can fix her right up.”
“Sounds good. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
“There won’t be.”
Tim started to walk away, but his curiosity was just too great and he turned
back around. “Did she ever make this gagging sound…?”
“Leave me alone.”
Tim went back to the waiting room. Melody and Alex were standing in the
corner, talking softly, while Karen sat on the couch trying to soothe Sylvia.
He was such a failure. If he lost Melody forever because of his lack of guts, he deserved it. But there wasn’t much to do now except go home and hope tomorrow was a better day.
Klacken burst into the waiting room, in white makeup, fake vampire teeth, and a black cape. Even without the half-empty bottle of booze in his hand, it was obvious that The Ghoul was completely plastered.
“Rrrrrrraaaaaahhhhhh! I am The Ghoul! Fear me!” he cried out, as everyone
in the waiting room turned to look.
Tim rushed over to him. “What are you doing here?”
“Fear me! Beware The Ghoul!” Klacken shouted, for the benefit of everyone
in the room. “Muahahahahahaha!”
“I asked you a question!”
“Hi, Tim. I called your rest’rant, and they said you were at this other rest’rant so I called that rest’rant and they said they threw you out but that there was a car wreck and you went to the hospital, so I called the hospital and they said they didn’t know who I was talking about but I figured I’d risk it and show up anyway.” He raised his arms and growled at everyone in the waiting room.
“This is really bad timing,” said Tim. “And you said you couldn’t make it tonight!”
“I need money, man, at least two-fifty. Bunny, she hired these guys, and they’re gonna break my thumbs.” His voice cracked, and he appeared ready to burst into tears.
At this point, Tim was at a complete loss on how to handle the situation, so he waved at Melody. “Look who’s here, Melody! Your childhood hero, The Ghoul!”
Melody walked over, looking amazed. “You’re the real Ghoul? I thought you were in prison.” “Not for the past three months, babe. Rrraaarrr!” He took her hand, kissed it, and then pretended to gnaw on it like a wild animal. Melody politely withdrew her hand and gave a questioning look to Tim. “Uh…surprise!” Tim said.
Klacken gazed into Melody’s eyes. At least he tried—in his drunken condition his eyes were having trouble staying in one place. “Let me just say that you are the sexiest bitch in heat I have ever laid eyes on. Wanna ditch these losers and get a motel?”
“I’d rather be a vampire getting a holy water enema.”
Klacken ran his tongue over his lips and growled as if that were the most
enticing comment he’d ever heard. Tim ushered him away from Melody. “Okay, thank you very much, that was just what I wanted, good night.” “She wants me,” Klacken informed him. “I’m sure she does. Now why don’t you go home and sleep it off, all right?” Klacken’s lip trembled. “Bunny’s guys, I think they’ve got the place
surrounded. Could I stay with you?” Tim started to say “No, absolutely not, I have no intention whatsoever of allowing a vulgar drunken sot such as yourself to stay with me,” but it really
wasn’t worth the trouble to argue. “Sure, whatever.” He walked to Melody. “I’m going home. I just want the madness to end.” “Me too,” said Melody. “Do you need a ride?” “No, I’ll take a cab.” “Okay.” Tim thought about moving in for a kiss, but then decided against it and went
to talk to Karen. She stood up, muscles bulging through her blouse. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, too.” “You didn’t do anything.”
“I will now.” She slapped him across the face, making his teeth rattle. It wasn’t as bad as he might have expected; his head didn’t feel like it was going to detach or anything, but it still stung.
“I deserved that.”
Karen shook her head. “What you warrant is much more immoderate. If you lacked desire to socialize with me, you should have communicated something.
I’m a big girl. You don’t have to engage in kiddie games with me.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Now, I’m going to strike you again, but I’ll allow you time to prepare
yourself first. Are you ready?”
Tim tensed up his face, then nodded. She smacked him again.
“That was for necessitating that I miss Threads of the Noose. I spent all week anticipating a subtitled French movie and something like that takes a while to coast down from. Fortunately for you, I ended up with a worthwhile backup plan.”
“So is Alex going to give you a ride home?”
“I expect that I’ll be able to persuade him.”
“All right, then, I’ll be seeing you.”
Tim shook her hand, collected Klacken, and left the hospital.
* * * * *
“Where’s my Timmy?” demanded Diane, slamming her fist against one of the pillows. “I need my Timmy!”
“He did something to her,” Sylvia told Walter. “He injected her with one of those experimental love drugs I’ve read about. He’ll pay for this. I’ll destroy him.”
“It’s not a drug,” said Walter. “People act peculiar when their heads bash against solid objects.”
“You know, I am here,” Diane pointed out. “You could talk about me in second person.”
Sylvia looked over at her. “I’m sorry, darling. It’s just that the doctor suggested we not directly confront you with your delusions, that’s all.”
“If you don’t bring my husband back to me, I’m walking right out of this place and finding him. I mean it.”
Walter went over and put his face about six inches from Diane’s. “Look me in the eye. Don’t you recognize me? I’m your husband. I’m Walter Harcourt. You’re Diane Harcourt. We got married on a cruise ship. We ate escargot in France and you nearly choked on a piece of the shell. How can you not remember this?”
“Security!”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Tim really needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately, the only person currently available was Klacken, who was asleep on his couch, head dangling over the side. His mouth was open, his tongue lolling and swinging in the fanproduced breeze.
Oh well. Better than nobody.
“Hey, Klacken.” Tim gave him a gentle nudge.
The Ghoul jolted awake and raised his fists. “Don’t come near me! I’ve got a circular saw out back and I’m not afraid to use it!”
Tim waited calmly for Klacken to realize where he was. As his surroundi
ngs sunk in, Klacken gave him an apologetic shrug. “Sorry. The eighties were bad to
me.”
“What do you think?” asked Tim. “Worst night ever?”
“Hey, as far as I’m concerned, if it doesn’t end with you being gang-raped in a Mexican prison, it was a good night.”
Tim considered that piece of wisdom as he sat down on his recliner. “You know what’s scary? That actually makes me feel better.”
“Glad to help. So, you really like this chick, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t blame you. Man, I bet she could suck year-old Kool-Aid stains out of
a sofa.”
“Don’t make me kick you out of here,” Tim warned.
Klacken looked panicked. “No! Don’t make me face the world! I’m sorry. I’ll be respectful.”
Tim let out a wistful sigh. Then he wondered if that was the first time in his life he’d actually let out a wistful sigh. He’d sighed numerous times, of course, but this could very well have been the first one to be legitimately considered wistful. Love did weird things to people. “I wonder if she’ll ever want to see me again?”
Klacken nodded. “Of course she will. She had a chance at me and chose you. That’s proof positive that your love can survive anything.”
“That’s not quite as comforting as the Mexican prison gang-rape image.”
“Everything will work out fine,” Klacken assured him. “You just need to
show her how serious you are about her.”
“I’ve been trying. Now I’ve got to show her how serious I am and make up for tonight’s fiasco at the same time.” Tim smacked his fist against the armrest. “What am I going to do?”
“Just relax and listen to me. Your buddy Klacken will make everything all right.”
* * * * *
“It was a disaster, Mom!” Melody, stretched out on her bed, was recounting her tale of woe. “I know I should be furious with him, but I just want him back! And I made such a fool out of myself that I’m not sure it’s fixable!”