by james
* * * * *
Karen pulled up on the lock, and then threw open the door, smashing it into the lunatic. His eyes bugged out and the knife fell to the pavement. She smashed the door into him a second time, and he fell to his knees.
She got out of the car and kicked the knife onto the front lawn. The man looked quite unhappy to have a very tall, very muscular, very angry woman standing over him.
“I have to apologize for my behavior,” he began.
Karen grabbed him by the back of the collar, yanked him to his feet, and then twisted his arm up behind his back.
Alex got up, wiping gravel off his face. “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to tell Melody that I was the one to subdue him, would you?”
“Shut up, Alex. Let’s get him inside and call the police.”
* * * * *
Melody sat in the truck, two cigarettes in her mouth, eyes closed as she reflected upon what a terrible life she had.
“It just seems to me that you’d make sure he was going to actually be home before going to all this trouble,” said Harry.
“Don’t make me hurt you. Just take me home. Right now.”
* * * * *
Tim pulled the moving van up alongside Melody’s house. He didn’t really have a cover story ready if she happened to see him and Klacken setting up everything, but he was sure that in his adrenaline-pumped state he could think of something without much trouble. She’d probably be fast asleep anyway.
They got out of the van, he opened up the back, and he and Klacken got to work.
* * * * *
Walter watched helplessly through the window as Sylvia drove him around the area surrounding the hospital. No sign of Diane.
“Did she have any money with her?” asked Sylvia.
“Not much. A few thousand in her pants pocket, I think.” He sniffled. “Where could she have gone?”
* * * * *
Charles usually maintained a very positive self-outlook, but he did have to admit that he probably could have come up with a better strategy than just
rushing at the guy with a butcher knife. Now he was having his arm hurt by the muscle woman, and Alex was going through his things.
“This is just flat-out disturbing,” said Alex, as they looked around the living room. “What kind of sick obsession is this?”
“She is the goddess,” said Charles. “She writes the words that speak to those who understand.”
The look Alex gave him indicated that his comment probably hadn’t sufficiently explained his point of view. He tried to break free of the muscle woman’s grasp, but a quick twist of his arm made him stop.
“Where’s your phone?” the muscle woman asked.
“I don’t have one.”
“What do you mean, you don’t have one?”
“If I had a phone, I would find myself unable to stop calling my goddess to hear her sweet voice. If they traced my line, I’d be discovered before I was able to kill for her and win her love.”
“Oh. Good reason.” Alex returned to paging through one of the marked-up books. He frowned. “You know, I always thought her novels were nothing but superficial entertainment, but some of these insights…no, what am I saying? You’re a sick freak!”
“Alex, if you’re done looking through the literature, I’d appreciate it if you’d go next door and call the police.”
“Yeah, sure, in a second.” He glanced out the front window. “What the hell is going on over there?”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s a moving van in her yard. Tim and that old guy from the hospital are…it looks like they’re carrying out a coffin.”
“A coffin?” The muscle woman dragged Charles over to the window. “Are you sure?”
“Look for yourself!”
“You’re right,” said the muscle woman. “What is going on in this neighborhood?”
Charles wasn’t quite sure himself, but it seemed like a good opportunity for a distraction. “They are the others! They are those who have come to complete the ritual!”
“What ritual?” demanded Alex.
“The ritual of bloodshed! The ritual of transformation! Tonight is the night of reckoning for all! Tim and the old guy from the hospital are only the beginning! Observe as they remove that guillotine from the van! Oh, yes, the blood will flow freely on this night! All will die, their souls cursed to everlasting agony, and the
neighborhood will fall under the rule of Melody! All who leave their dwellings will be shot with silver bullets! This time has been prophesized for the past two centuries, and the time is at last at hand! Tremble in fear, my friends, for your demise is imminent!”
“Let’s hear that one more time without the psychosis,” Karen suggested.
“Look at that, they’re taking out some kind of alien stand-up.” Alex ran a hand through his hair. “This is some strange behavior. I’m not entirely certain we should go outside.”
“How well did you know Melody?” asked Karen. “Was she into any kind of…you know, ritual stuff like he just said?”
“Not that I ever knew anything about, but to be completely honest at this point I’d rather not risk it. I don’t need to get shot tonight.”
* * * * *
The ghoulish props were now all over her front lawn, making it look like the Yard Sale of the Damned. Now all they had to do was decorate the props with the flowers and balloons, and Melody’s surprise would be ready.
“Tim? Problem.” Klacken pointed toward the police car that was pulling up alongside the yard.
A very large officer got out of the car. He wore a pair of sunglasses, apparently oblivious to both the fact that it was dark outside and that the price tag was still dangling from them. He adjusted his sunglasses and frowned. “We’ve had a couple of neighbors call in complaints. Mind if I ask what is going on here?”
“Uh, I know this looks odd,” Tim admitted, “but it’s easy to explain. I’m trying to impress my girlfriend.”
“Oh, obviously.”
“I know this doesn’t seem like the usual route one would take to impress one’s girlfriend, but she’s a horror novelist. Melody Talaway.”
The officer removed his sunglasses, impressed. “Author of Blood Sundae?”
“That’s her.”
“Well, shit, come on, let’s get her surprise ready!”
* * * * *
“Oh my God, the police are in on it!” gasped Alex.
“Don’t be ridiculous! This is all a misunderstanding! Let’s just go out there and find out what’s going on.”
“Most dark rituals look like misunderstandings to the unaware observer,” Charles offered helpfully.
Alex leaned closer to the window. “The cop is tying a heart-shaped balloon to the alien! What kind of ritual is this?”
“You’re right, let’s stay inside,” said Karen.
* * * * *
After the police left, Tim admired his work with an amount of pride he would only have reserved for his children, if he had any. His problems were over. Once Melody saw what he’d done to her yard, they’d live happily ever after.
As he walked over to ring the doorbell, a large truck pulled up behind the moving van. The passenger door opened, and Melody hurried out.
“Tim! I can’t believe this! Harry was just dropping me off and I…” She looked at her yard.
“I did this for you,” Tim said.
“It’s…it’s just…” She turned around and pounded on the window of the truck. “Harry! Elephant! Now!”
A guy got out of the truck and ran around to the back. Melody walked toward her yard, staggering just a bit. “This is…this is…this is great! You went to all this trouble for me?”
“It wasn’t any trouble.”
Klacken stared at him in exhausted shock. “Say the hell what?”
“Quiet.” Tim looked into Melody’s eyes and knew that he had done the right thing. He’d proven his love. He’d been the affectionate man he needed to b
e.
Then his jaw dropped as the guy from the truck came back into view, leading an elephant. A large white sheet over its back was painted with the words You’re the greatest, Tim!
He was speechless. Nobody had ever decorated an elephant for him. This was incredible. He looked back at Melody and felt more love than he ever dreamed possible flood over him.
And then he realized something special. He didn’t care that her elephant probably outdid his lawn decorations. All that mattered was that she loved him. And he loved her.
Alex and Karen ran across the street, with Karen dragging some scarylooking guy against his will. “I’m sorry,” said Alex, “we were going to stay out
of this, but I’ve gotta know what the deal is with the elephant!”
“This is just amazing!” said Tim.
Melody gestured to her lawn. “No, this is just amazing!”
“You are the most affectionate, creative woman I have ever known.” Tim
threw his arms around her.
“And you are the most affectionate, creative man I have ever known.”
They kissed.
Klacken poked the side of the elephant with his finger. “It looks kind of sick.”
Harry glared at him. “It’s an elephant. It’s gray. What do you know?”
“Sick elephant or not, it’s the most wonderful surprise ever!” Tim kissed
Melody again. And again.
Karen looked at the lawn with unease. “Okay, I’m sorry, but I’m not getting the whole affection vibe from this.”
Tim and Melody smiled at each other. Not everyone could be expected to understand their love. All that mattered was that it was there, and it was never going to fade.
As they kissed again, the elephant let out a loud elephant-variety moan and promptly fell over on its side.
There was a long, uncomfortable silence. “Okay, it was sick,” Harry admitted. “But she’ll be fine. She’s just a little under the weather. A nice little nap and she’ll be good as new.”
“It doesn’t matter,” said Tim. “It was still the best thing anyone has ever done for me!” Then his expression changed as he glanced around the area. “Where’s Klacken?”
The others began to look around. There was no sign of the former horror show host. It took a while for awareness to sink in to all present, but gradually his location became readily apparent.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Oh my God!” shrieked Tim, bending down and trying to squeeze his fingers underneath the elephant. “Lift! Everybody lift!”
Melody immediately began to hyperventilate. Alex glanced at his watch. “Karen… I think maybe we need to be going now… “
Karen clamped a hand over her mouth and turned away from the grisly sight. Finding herself looking at the equally grisly sights on the lawn, she closed her eyes and tried to block out everything.
Tim gave up trying to lift the elephant and got back to his feet. “So…” he said.
“So…” Melody said.
“So…” Tim repeated.
Everyone continued to stare at the elephant.
“Maybe things got a little bit out of hand,” Melody remarked.
“Yeah, I think perhaps you’re right,” Tim agreed. Their romantic endeavors didn’t have quite the same joyful feeling when people perished. He bit his lip and tried to put a positive spin on the situation. “I think he would’ve wanted to go this way.”
Then Tim felt an arm wrap around his waist and a butcher knife press against his throat. “Don’t move,” somebody whispered into his ear.
Everybody turned their attention from the elephant to Tim’s current predicament. “Melody, sweet Melody,” said the man. “I have watched you for six hundred and eighty-two days, and now is the time for me to prove my servitude!”
“What the hell is going on here?” Tim whined. “Why is there a guy behind me with a fucking butcher knife? How much more confusing can this night get?”
“Silence!” shouted the man. “Melody, as your humble servant, I ask that you come forward and claim your gift.”
“Don’t kill him, please.” Melody pushed past Harry. “I don’t know who you are, but I don’t need any gifts. I’ve got a whole yard full of presents; I’m covered for the moment.”
“Oh no, my love. Blood must be spilled. You have written the words, and I will obey.”
A crowd of neighbors was starting to gather. Tim assumed that somebody had called 911, but the butcher knife blade felt pretty darn sharp and it was unlikely that his skin would put up enough resistance to keep him healthy until the police showed up again.
“I don’t understand,” said Melody.
“You asked for the sacrifice. I got your message. And now, this man shall die, and you will take me as your lover.”
Including himself in the number, Tim figured that half the stalker population of the world was in Melody’s yard right now. “I’m not taking you as my lover,” Melody said. “It’s just not going to happen.”
“Your words don’t lie.”
“Dude, you’re gonna go to prison!”
“Of course. You didn’t think I meant we’d be lovers in this life, did you?
How ridiculous.” Tim winced as the blade pressed more tightly against his neck. Be manly, he
told himself. Die with dignity. Keep that bladder functioning.
Melody stepped forward. “But all of my books were ghostwritten.”
Tim felt the man’s grip on the knife relax. “I beg your pardon?”
“I couldn’t write if my life depended on it. Each of my books was written by
a different hack. Sorry to disappoint you.”
“But that’s not possible! Their words spoke to me!”
“I don’t know what to tell you. It’s my picture on the back cover, yeah, but I
didn’t write a word.”
“Well, that’s kind of…annoying.” The man removed the butcher knife from Tim’s throat. “You know, now that I really think about it, they did seem like
hackwork a lot of the time.”
Melody tensed visibly. “I beg your pardon?”
“It makes sense now. Most of what I assumed were secret messages were
actually just bad writing. Wow, don’t I feel like a jerk.”
“What do you mean, bad writing?”
“You know, awkward structure, poorly developed characters that I just assumed were supposed to represent a poorly developed society, weak endings that I always thought meant that we’ll all have our own weak ending someday…stuff like that.”
Melody clenched her hands into a fist. “You son of a bitch!”
The knife returned to Tim’s throat, making him wonder why he didn’t leave after it was removed the first time. “Melody!”
“I’m sorry…I just meant…”
“Her sister was one of the ghostwriters,” Alex explained. “She conquered dyslexia in her quest to become a novelist, and you have no business insulting her work.”
The knife was lowered again. This time Tim stepped away. “I have dyslexia,” the man said. “Tell her she’s in my thoughts.”
“I’ll do that,” Melody promised.
“Sorry about this whole misunderstanding,” said the man. “I guess I’ll go home now.”
He turned and walked back toward his house.
“Shouldn’t somebody catch him?” Karen gestured toward the retreating figure.
“I’m not going after him.” Tim felt his neck for blood. “The police will be here soon. Again.”
“That’s right.” Harry pulled out a cellular phone. “I’ve got to make a few dozen phone calls. Damn, every time I steal an elephant somebody has to die. At least I’ll get my money’s worth out of all those officials I bribed.”
“As outrageous as this has all been, at least there’s nothing else that could possibly…happen…” Melody’s voice trailed away as everybody turned to glare at her. They waited for the inevitable something to happen.
&
nbsp; And waited.
And waited.
Then a car sped down the street, tires screeching. It pulled up behind the
moving van and large truck, and Peter hurried out, wearing only a bathrobe. “Tim! I’m so glad you’re here!”
“What’s going on?”
“I got a call from… May I ask why there’s an elephant passed out on the lawn?”
“You probably shouldn’t.”
“Okay, I won’t. I got a call from Sylvia and Walter. They say to get to our café as soon as possible! It’s an emergency!”
“Why?”
“I think it has something to do with Diane. Hurry!”
* * * * *
Tim sat next to Peter while Melody, Karen, and Alex squeezed into the back seat. Harry had offered to handle the pachyderm and mentally disturbed neighbor situation until they got back. “How’d you know where I was?” Tim asked.
“You weren’t at your apartment, so I figured the next most logical choice would be Melody’s place.” He looked at Melody in the rear-view mirror. “I’m kind of surprised a famous writer like you has a listing in the phone book. Aren’t you worried about stalkers or something?”
* * * * *
Walter, Sylvia, and a few police officers were standing about twenty feet back from Dual Streams when they arrived. Diane stood at the front door, a long fuse in her hand. As she saw Tim get out of the car, she lit it.
“Diane, what are you doing?” he called out.
“I want you to know how much I love you! I want everyone to know how much I love you!”
“To repeat, Diane, what are you doing?”
“I’ve been working on your surprise ever since I made the doctor happy in a mouth-related way so he’d help me escape from the hospital! You need to know how much you mean to me! I want the whole world to know!”
As the fuse burned down to its source, Diane walked away from the café. An immense, genuinely impressive display of fireworks began to go off, covering the front of the café in multi-colored sparks. Huge crackling letters read I LOVE YOU!
“Oooooooh,” said Alex.
“She never did anything like that for me,” said Walter.
Everyone watched, transfixed. Even considering the current situation, Tim had to