Hearts of Blue

by L.H. Cosway

  Dad nodded soberly. “He and his men. You were a wee girl at the time, and you’d just started expressing an interest in the police. It was ridiculous. Why any woman would put herself in harm’s way like that still astounds me.”

  Even though what he said pissed me off, I could read between the lines. He’d never admit it out loud, but maybe he didn’t like the idea of me becoming a policewoman because it frightened him. It was a little bit sad that he’d never be able to show weakness, admit his fears, even to his own daughter. He was too hard, too gruff, to ever be any kind of loving presence in my life, for us to ever have a relationship where we could share our feelings without worry of being judged. And on the matter of women joining the force, we were destined to forever disagree. Truthfully, it was a sorry state of affairs, because I’d known him my whole life, and that was long enough to know he’d never change, would never learn to admit he was wrong.

  “I think you’ll find, Dad, that men are made of flesh and bone just like women. They can be hurt, too. This has nothing to do with gender. Katherine was just unlucky, as I’m sure many male officers have been.”

  “You’re not as strong. That’s a genetic fact,” Dad countered.

  “We’re not weak, either — far from it.”

  He stared at me, silent, and it felt like we’d come to something of an impasse. I’d hardly touched my tea, but Dad picked his up, downing the rest of it before rising from the table.

  “I have to get back,” he said, acting like we hadn’t just been discussing something as monumentally important as we had. “If you can spare the time, it’d make your mother happy to see you visit this week.”

  With that he left, and I watched him go.

  ***

  The following evening, I decided to pay a visit to the gym. What with everything that had been happening, I’d been falling behind on my workouts. Reya had a gig, so she couldn’t come along, but I didn’t mind. I needed some time alone to clear my head, my feet pounding hard on the treadmill as I pumped my legs fast. I was a hot, sweaty mess by the time I finished, and made my way to the showers, where I scrubbed my body clean.

  My head was full of conflicting thoughts, the foremost being what was going to happen to Lee when my dad finally arrested McGregor. Would he get caught in the crossfire, just another piece of collateral damage? Or would he finally be free of the life he was embroiled in?

  I so desperately wanted him to look me in the eye and promise he was going to clean up his act, get out of the game. But perhaps I was overestimating what I meant to him. Perhaps I’d allowed my feelings to grow too deep.

  Piling my wet hair up into a messy bun, I quickly dressed in a T-shirt and some yoga pants before making my way out of the changing rooms to head home. I stopped in my tracks as soon as I stepped out and found Lee waiting for me. The gym was due to close in half an hour, so there weren’t many people around. He stood leaning back against the wall, his arms folded across his chest as he eyed me.

  “Hi,” I said, wondering what he was doing here. After how we left things yesterday, I didn’t think he’d want to see me again. I’d told him I didn’t want to see him, but I knew the statement had fallen flat. I couldn’t even convince myself it was true, never mind anyone else. His gaze travelled from my wet, messy hair to the scooped neckline of my T-shirt.

  “Snap,” said Lee, pushing off the wall and stepping toward me.

  “Is everything all right?” I asked.

  “Is it ever?” he asked back, expressionless.

  “I’m sorry about yesterday.” I eyed him meaningfully, my gaze flickering over his face. There was a tension in his features, and he seemed stressed.

  “Nothing for you to be sorry about. We were both amped up, and everyone says shit they don’t mean when they’re angry.” He paused, seeming tired, and ran a hand over his stubble. “Anyway, we both knew what we were getting into.”

  “But we got into it anyway,” I finished.

  He let out a quick breath. “Yeah, we did.”

  “Well, at least we were clever enough to end things before they got out of hand.”

  Lee’s eyes sharpened, his lips forming a straight line, and I could tell that what I’d said pissed him off. All I got out of him was a flat, “Huh.”

  “So, I guess I’ll be seeing you,” I said, moving to walk by him. He stepped in my way, blocking my path, and kept coming forward, forcing me to retreat until my back hit the wall. Pressing his entire body into mine, he whispered, “You think it’s going to be that easy, Karla?”

  His question made me swallow as I brought my hands to his chest and pushed. He barely moved an inch. In fact, my pushing him only incited him to press into me harder. I could feel every inch of his torso, from his hard pecs and abs to the beat of his heart thumping wildly at his collarbone.

  “Don’t do this,” I pleaded.

  “I miss how you feel,” he said, his voice deep and sensual.

  My body grew soft against his, the tone he used making me melt. I needed to be stronger. “You should hate me.”

  “I know, but I can’t. I don’t think I ever could.”

  “Lee, you’re making this harder than it needs to be,” I said, my hands moving up from his chest to touch his neck. “It’ll be easier if we don’t see each other. Proximity is a problem for us, you know that.”

  He dipped his head, his mouth touching my earlobe. “I can’t help it that you draw me in.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I want you back in my bed. I want to feel you shake for me.”

  I trembled, my throat catching as I responded, “It can’t happen.”

  “It can. You just have to let it. I’ll take care of everything else.”

  Suddenly, I realised I was letting him get to me just like I always did. I was letting him blur my vision and jumble up my thoughts with sex. His mouth fell from my earlobe as I drew back as far as I could.

  “But don’t you see, that’s just the thing. You’re not taking care of anything. You’ve gotten away with murder for so long that you’ve lost your fear. I know you steal. I know you work for a dangerous man, but you have to get out now.” I paused to catch my breath and eyed him pointedly. “You have to get out before it’s too late, and, believe me when I say this, it’s going to be too late very soon, Lee.”

  His brow furrowed, and I hoped he got my message. I couldn’t say it outright, but I could warn him in my own particular way.

  “What are you saying?”

  “The other morning I was silent. Well, now I’m not. You need to listen to me. Otherwise, I can’t predict what might happen to you and your family. Do you understand?”

  His eyes grew serious as his lips firmed, and a long moment of quiet passed before he nodded. “Yeah, I get you.”

  I exhaled deeply, knowing I’d done my bit. Now it was down to him to make things right. My dad was gunning for McGregor, and it was personal. He wasn’t going to stop until he took down him and everyone who worked for him. I just hoped Lee pulled himself and his brothers out of the building before the bomb went off.

  “I’m going home now,” I said. “I have to work in the morning.”

  Lee allowed me to move away, but only because he was deep in thought. Reaching down, I took his hand in mine and gave it a soft squeeze before continuing on my way. It was a relief to know he’d taken my words to heart, and some of the tension inside me eased, knowing that Lee and his brothers might get a chance at a different kind of life.

  The entire concept was flipped entirely on its ear the very next day when I arrived at the station to find the place packed to the rafters. Young men lined either side of the reception area, all sporting handcuffs. I had no idea what was going on, but one thing was clear: If the men hadn’t been restrained, we would’ve had a riot on our hands. Hostility permeated the air like a real live thing.

  It was only as my eyes travelled over those present that I saw Liam, Trevor, and Lee all standing by one wall. A constable began guiding Lee through the double doors that
led to the interview rooms. Despite the fact that his face was all cut up, he wore a wide grin that was directed firmly at a dark-skinned guy on the other side of the room. Blood stained Lee’s forehead, and there was a wound on his chin.

  When I took a proper look at the man he was grinning at (who, by the way, was seething back at him), I recognised the neck tattoo. It was the same bloke who’d tried to intimidate me outside the grocery shop that one evening, the one I’d told Lee about. The blood in my veins turned to ice as an unsettling idea came upon me. This wasn’t about that, was it?

  “Real brave grinning at me like a smug fuck when I can’t do nothing about it,” said the neck tattoo. “Where’d you leave your balls, Cross?”

  “Left them under your mum’s bed. She’s keepin’ them warm for me,” Lee quipped, and the neck tattoo dove for him right before two officers hurried to hold him back.

  I stood in place watching it all unfold, and Lee’s smile faltered only slightly when his eyes finally landed on me. He hadn’t been expecting to see me there, that much was clear, perhaps because I’d told him last night that I had to work early. It was a lie to end our conversation. I wasn’t due in until midday, which was why I was still on shift.

  His jaw firmed as the constable continued to lead him from the room. I hurried over to Tony to ask what was going on.

  “Seems to be some kind of gang rivalry. A woman called in to report the fighting going on outside her building. No weapons were involved, but a few of them are in a bad way. And get this, it was the Cross brothers who started the fight. The eldest one is being interviewed right now, and I’m about to question the other,” Tony paused to glance down at the file he was holding. “Lee Cross. You wouldn’t mind sitting in on it, would you? You’ve dealt with him before. Maybe he’ll be more inclined to talk to a familiar face.”

  I felt about two inches tall when Tony looked at me with such sincerity and trust. He had no idea what a crappy excuse for a police officer I was, or just how deeply familiar Lee and I truly were.

  “Sure,” I replied stiffly. “Anything I can do to help.”

  Tony nodded and motioned for me to follow him to the interview room, which consisted of bare magnolia walls and a table with three chairs, one of which Lee was currently occupying. The constable who’d brought him there was standing by the door, while Tony and I took the seats across from Lee. I glanced at him, unable to prevent the pang of concern in my gut at seeing him beat up. My first instinct was to reach across the table and inspect his injuries, make sure he was okay. His cuffed hands were behind his back, and I desperately wanted to take them off, massage his wrists to ease the strain.

  I tried to push those perplexing instincts aside and harden my resolve. Lee had instigated a dangerous gang fight. He deserved to be suffering. I hadn’t even known he was part of a gang, or maybe Tony just presumed he was. After all, he was a boss, an under-boss, but a boss nonetheless, and he obviously had a lot of young men working for him, stealing for him.

  I kept reminding myself of these facts, my expression sullen.

  Lee’s gaze fixed on me as the muscles in his jaw twitched.

  “I’ve forgotten something. I’ll be right back,” said Tony, after rifling through the file he’d carried in. Once he was gone, I was alone at the table with Lee. The other constable still stood by the door, so I couldn’t speak openly. We found ourselves in something of a staring contest. I didn’t look away, nor did I let my expression falter. He needed to know I wasn’t happy with any of this.

  Lee smiled vaguely and leaned his body forward as much as he could, studying me as he cocked his head. “Why so blue, blue eyes?”

  “I didn’t give you permission to speak, so be quiet,” I replied firmly, irritated by how his lips curved around the edges at my hot-tempered response, hating how it made my insides flutter.

  “Such a pretty blue,” he went on, goading me.

  “I told you to shut it. That’s your final warning.”

  “You know, I kinda like it when you boss me around, Constable.”

  Deciding he was enjoying himself far too much, I gave him the silent treatment, staring at the wall as we waited for Tony to return. It only took a minute, and his chair scraped against the floor as he pulled it back. Once he was seated, he cautioned Lee before starting the interview.

  “So,” Tony began, flipping through a new folder, “do you want to tell me what started all this, son?”

  “My solicitor’s on his way. I’m not talking to you until he gets here. End of.”

  “An eyewitness claims you were the instigator in the disturbance, says you walked right up to Carl Finley and attacked him, completely out of nowhere.”

  “Bit dramatic,” said Lee.

  “So tell me your version of events.”

  “You got a hearing problem? I said I’ve got nothing to say to you.”

  Tony raised his hands in the air. “That’s fine by me. I’ll just keep talking, then, shall I?”

  Lee shrugged, his eyes flicking to me for a second and then back to Tony. I’d never felt more tense in my life. He could’ve outed us right then and there. He could’ve said anything, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

  “Our witness maintains you were shouting at Carl, saying he disrespected something that belonged to you. It sounds like maybe he had it coming, and you know, I’ve got to wonder what he disrespected. It must be something pretty special,” Tony went on, and my entire body turned cold as my eyes rose to Lee’s. He stared back at me, completely expressionless, but in that moment I knew. I knew he’d started the fight with the neck tattoo guy, or Carl Finley, because of what he did to me. It was unbelievable. Inexcusable. I dealt with aggressive individuals on a daily basis. I was used to it. And the fact of the matter was, Lee had no business starting fights over me. We weren’t even together, and in spite of what he’d tricked me into saying during sex, I certainly didn’t belong to him.

  Lee levelled me with his gaze as he replied to Tony, “You have no idea.”

  My pores tightened, my tummy fluttering in response to the intensity in his words. The reaction pissed me off.

  “You don’t seem very remorseful for your actions,” I put in, unable to keep quiet.

  “I don’t have any regrets, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

  I grabbed for Tony’s folder, which contained details of those who’d been taken to hospital. “One of the men involved in the fight has a busted jaw, and another has a smashed kneecap. It’d take a fairly cold-hearted individual not to feel concern over such serious injuries.”

  “If Mugabe got his jaw broke, would you shed a tear?” Lee asked with derision.

  “That’s not the same thing.”

  “Oh, it’s not? Do you have any idea the kind of disgusting shit Carl and his boys get up to? Gang rapes, violent attacks, muggings, intimidation, you name it. You heard about those drugs that’ve been going around? The ones that teenagers were overdosing on?” He paused to eye me pointedly. “He’s threatened people at gunpoint. He’s beaten people half to death, and he still gets to walk the streets like he’s king of his own little empire. I think you’ll find it’s exactly the same thing.”

  “So, you started the fight as what, some kind of vigilante form of justice?” Tony put in cynically, and I suddenly remembered we weren’t alone. I also felt awful, because Carl had threatened me and I’d let him away with it. If I’d arrested him that day, then maybe I could’ve saved a few of the people Lee had spoken about. The thought made me wither with guilt. I hated to admit it, but what he’d told me was true. The world wasn’t all black and white, and I was starting to realise that a lot of my beliefs could be turned upside down when I took in another person’s perspective.

  “Did I say I started a fight?” Lee asked. “Because I’m fairly sure I didn’t.”

  “All right, well, let’s talk about the drugs, then. Can you give us any more details?” said Tony. “If you have information, we can work together to have him ch
arged.”

  Lee shook his head as he let out a derisive chuckle. “Do I look like a fucking mug to you? Jesus Christ, pull the other one.”

  “You offered up the information. I was just curious to know more,” Tony replied. He was being nice, playing good cop. Did that mean I was bad cop? No, I didn’t think so, not with the amount of feelings that were swirling around inside me for the criminal on the other side of the table.

  The radio of the officer standing by the door went off, calling him away on an errand. He told Tony he’d be back as quick as he could before leaving the room. With him gone, the place felt oddly smaller. I sensed movement under table as Lee stretched out his leg, his shoe knocking against mine.

  Immediately withdrawing my foot, I narrowed my eyes at him and willed him not to do anything that might make Tony suspicious. I wanted to ask him if he’d started the fight only for me, or if he’d done it because of the other things Carl was guilty of. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for ending things between us, but that it couldn’t be helped. But most of all I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him violence wasn’t ever a solution. I wanted to show him what the world could be like without it.

  In reality, I’d never get to do any of that, because there would always be a divide. The thin blue line would always lie between us, with me on the side of order and him on the side of chaos.

  “Have you seen a nurse for your injuries?” I asked, the tenderness in my voice unexpected. Tony shot me a curious look while Lee shook his head.

  “My health doesn’t factor very high on the list of priorities where the old bill are concerned, but thanks for asking.”

  “Well, how do you feel? Are you hurt anywhere we can’t see?”

  Lee’s chin rose as his eyes twinkled mischievously. “Why don’t you come a little closer and take a look, Constable?”

  “Don’t be cute.” On the outside I sounded stern, while on the inside I was pleading with him to let me know he was okay. I remembered back to the time when Steve beat him up. He’d tried to hide his injuries from me then, too. I continued staring at him until his expression softened.