Hearts of Blue

by L.H. Cosway

“Lee visited me today,” said Alexis, and I almost choked on the food I’d just swallowed.

  “He did? What did he want?”

  “To see how I’m doing,” she answered with no small amount of sarcasm. “I’m sure it was all just a front to check up on you.”

  I stared at my plate. “Yeah, well, I don’t need checking up on.”

  “Liam’s court date is this week, you know.”

  “I’m well aware of that, Lexie.”

  “You have to be there, don’t you?”

  I glanced at her, wondering what she was getting at. “You know I do.”

  She eyed me sympathetically and appeared torn over what to say. Dropping her fork onto the table, she rubbed at her belly.

  “Is the baby kicking?”

  She nodded her head. “Yeah, but it’s not that. Lee told me something, and I don’t want you walking in there with blinders on. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  “Tell me, then.”

  She inhaled a quick breath. “He’s having Liam’s solicitor broker a deal. If he gives up the name of the person he was working for, they’ll let him go free.”

  “But then Lee….” I gasped, unable to finish my sentence.

  “Will do time,” said Alexis, her brown eyes turning down at the ends sadly, our conversation falling into silence.

  I barely slept that night, and the next day I seemed to have drawn the short straw, because everything that could possibly go wrong did. First off, a woman I arrested for shoplifting went crazy and attacked me at the station, resulting in me sporting an awful welt across one cheek. Secondly, the evidence I’d collected on a drug pusher from several weeks ago went missing, which meant he couldn’t be prosecuted. I was willing to bet it was a last “fuck you” from Steve. And thirdly, just to add icing on the cake of a supremely shitty day, my car broke down.

  It was dark, and I was on my way home after my shift. When I called the AA, they said it’d be one to two hours before a tow truck arrived, so I was stuck on the hard shoulder of a busy motorway with no other option but to wait it out.

  Only about thirty minutes had passed when there was a steady knock on my driver’s-side window. I thought with relief that the truck had gotten there early, but then glanced up to find Lee peering down at me through the glass.

  Okay, so if my car breaking down was the icing on the cake, then Lee showing up was the magic sprinkles. I didn’t open the door, only rolled down my window for him.

  “Need help?” he asked. Damn, he looked good, his hair casually tousled. I noticed his eyes drifting over me, checking me out in the same way I was him.

  Shaking my head, I answered, “No, thanks, I’m good. The AA will be here soon.”

  He didn’t look like he believed me. “How long you been waiting?”

  “Thirty minutes,” I muttered, looking down at my phone.

  Lee emitted a soft chuckle. “In that case, they’re not getting here any time in the next century. Let me take a look,” he urged me, holding up his hands and wriggling his fingers. “This is what I’m good at.”

  “It’s fine. I’m happy to wait. I’m sure you have somewhere you need to be.”

  I wanted him to leave, not only because of the feelings his nearness provoked, but also because I was two seconds away from confronting him over his bullshit plan to go to prison instead of Liam.

  He levelled me with a challenging stare, not breathing a word, but instead of arguing, he just walked around to the front of the car and proceeded to open the hood.

  Oh, no effing way.

  Getting out, I stomped toward him, pushing his hands back and slamming it down. Trying to ignore the spark I felt when our fingers touched, I scowled at him with all my might. “I said I don’t need your help. Are you going deaf or something?”

  Lee cocked his head, perplexed. “Why are you being so difficult?”

  “I’m not being difficult. I’m just irritated by how you always think you know best,” I huffed. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn’t angry at him for being heavy-handed — I was angry at him because he was going to sacrifice himself for his brother, and refusing to let him fix my car was the only way of expressing how I felt right then.

  Lee held firm when I tried to stand my ground, and before I could react, he gripped me by the waist, lifted me, and threw me over his shoulder. I wriggled in his hold, but seconds later he’d opened my car door and shoved me in the back. I hadn’t even seen him swipe my keys, but by the time I tried to scramble forward, he’d locked all the doors.

  My car was an old Nissan, so I could still open it from the inside. Lee saw me going for the lock and warned me, “If you get out, I’ll kiss you.”

  He was such a little fucker.

  I huffed a sigh and folded my arms, my annoyance written all over my face at his threat. Lee chuckled as he watched me, but then his expression sobered when he saw the welt on my face. His voice was muted since all the windows were closed, but I could just about hear him as he brought his fingers to his own cheek.

  “What happened there?”

  “A woman I arrested today did it. Absolute nutjob.”

  Lee frowned in concern, placing his hands on his hips before turning away. He returned to the front of the car, and I sat and waited while he fiddled around with the engine. A few minutes later he reappeared, sliding into the back seat next to me.

  “Your HT leads need replacing. You should call AA and cancel. I’ll hitch you up to the back of my car and drive you to the garage, replace them for you for free.”

  “Is this you paying me back the favour you owe me?” I asked.

  Lee eyed me and smiled. “Nah, this is me trying to be more like you, helping the needy and all that.”

  I scoffed. “Sure.”

  Lifting his hand, he ran his fingers over my hurt cheek. “This looks bad.”

  “I’ve had worse.”

  “I hope you gave as good as you got.”

  “Oh, yeah, I kicked her arse right in the middle of the station while the other officers cheered me on.”

  Lee pursed his lips, still smiling. “Don’t be a smart-arse.” Picking my phone up from my lap, he shoved it into my hand and said, “Call them. Otherwise, you’ll be sitting out here all night.”

  Giving in, I called and cancelled the tow truck. When I hung up we were both silent, and his plan to switch places with Liam burned heavily on my heart. I was upset and angry at him, but I couldn’t let out everything I was feeling without coming across as hysterical. Still, I had to broach the subject. The court hearing was tomorrow. I needed to convince him to change his mind.

  “Alexis told me what you’re going to do for Liam,” I said, my voice quiet.

  Lee exhaled and stretched his legs out as much as he could in the small space. “I take it from the way you’re looking at me now that you don’t approve.”

  “Please don’t do it, Lee,” I begged, unable to hold back my desperation. A tear fell down my cheek, and he reached out to wipe it away.

  “Don’t cry,” he murmured tenderly. “I’ve been breaking the law for years. It’s only right that I finally serve my time.”

  I turned into him, burying my face in his neck as I whispered, “But I don’t want you to go away.”

  “It won’t be forever,” he replied, stroking my hair as his lips pressed against my temple.

  “I don’t understand how you’re just accepting this. Before you said it was going to be fine. You said your solicitor could get Liam off, no problem.”

  He sighed. “Yeah, well, when I stopped working for McGregor, I lost a lot of privileges. One of those included my legal representation. So now we don’t have William Dunning on our side, and we also don’t have a hope in hell’s chance of getting Liam’s charges dropped. I can’t let my baby brother go to prison for something I got him into in the first place, Karla. It has to be me. You understand that, right?”

  I looked into his eyes and knew I couldn’t argue with him. If I ever had a sister, I’d do
the exact same thing, no question. God, he’d been right all along. We were the same. Too stubborn and brave to know what was good for us, out on a mission to save everyone but ourselves.

  “Yeah, I understand.”

  Soaking him in, I tried to comprehend the fact that in just a few short weeks he could go to prison. I wasn’t going to see him for years, and that terrified me.

  A surge of desperation clutched suddenly at my heart as I smashed my mouth to his, kissing him like my life depended on it. He was only twenty-five, so young and handsome and clever, and all his best years were going to be spent in a prison cell. The worst of it was that I knew he wouldn’t come out the same man. He’d lose the spark that always shone so brightly in his eyes, would no longer be the flirty, carefree guy I was once met on a chilly London morning.

  Lee’s hands clutched my face, his tongue sinking deep into my mouth as a loud moan escaped me. My fingers slid beneath his shirt, tracing his hard abs. When he grabbed my thighs and pulled them around his waist, his erection was hard as steel against my core. It’d been so long since I’d gotten to touch him like this that my need was close to maddening.

  Gasping, he broke our kiss, trailing his mouth down my neck and unbuttoning my blouse until my bra was exposed. He buried his face in my cleavage, a growl rumbling from deep in his chest, and the vibration made me tremble.

  “Lee,” I breathed right before a car went sailing by out on the road.

  The horn honked as I heard a man shout saucily out the window, “Oi oi!”

  Lee and I fell into awkward laughter after that, and I drew away, buttoning my top back up. “Do you, uh, have anything in your car we could use as a tow?”

  His hand met my lower back. “Stay with me tonight, Karla.”

  I was helpless to refuse, and only nodded my head in response. Lee placed a quick kiss on my lips, then got out of the car and jogged to his, which was parked just a few yards behind mine. Minutes later, he had my car secured, and I climbed into his passenger seat. All throughout the journey he touched me, whether it was to tuck my hair behind my ear or to squeeze my knee, and every time he did, my stomach fluttered with anticipation.

  He didn’t bother going to the garage, but instead drove straight to his place, saying he’d have one of the boys come fix my car in the morning. I knew that tomorrow everything would change, but for tonight I just wanted to live in the moment.

  Lee tugged me inside his hallway and immediately pressed his mouth to mine, his hands everywhere as we tried to find our way upstairs without stopping what we were doing. I giggled when we both simultaneously tripped and fell halfway up.

  “Hush,” Lee whispered, his lips finding mine again.

  I loved how he kissed me; whether fast or slow, he always made it feel like it could be our last. I tried to push that thought aside when I realised how sad it made me. Somehow we managed to make it to his room, and proceeded to strip one another of all our clothing.

  Completely naked, he laid me down on his bed, his handsome features serious in the dim light. “I hate everyone who gets to be near you when I’m not there. And I hate it because I love my brothers more than anything, but you’re the one I’ll miss the most.”

  My heart ached at his proclamation, fear and sadness gripping me tight and not letting go. I placed my hands on his cheeks, my eyes flickering between his, struck speechless. Closing my eyes, I showed him with my body the things I couldn’t tell him in words.

  Flipping us, I climbed on top of him, bracing myself above his length and sinking down until he filled me completely. When I began to ride him, I lost all thought, totally consumed by sensation. Lee gripped my waist and held my eyes, never looking away once.

  If this was the last time, I was going to make it count.

  Lee reached down and found my clit with his thumb, rubbing intense circles with his practiced hands. His cock felt amazing, and it was only as I began to climb toward orgasm that I realised we hadn’t used protection. He was inside me bare, but surprisingly, I didn’t panic. I felt closer to him than I’d ever had, and if there was a single doubt in my mind that I loved him, it fell by the wayside.

  I’d never loved before. Now I loved too much. And in the morning, I’d lose him.

  There was a sweet sort of tragedy to it all.

  When I came, I closed my eyes, dropped to his chest, and sank my face into the crook of his neck, whether for comfort or to hide my tears, I couldn’t seem to tell.

  “I’m sorry if I ever hurt you,” I whispered into the dark room.

  Lee was quiet for a long time before he whispered back, “Hurting with you is better than a painless life without you.”

  His words penetrated deep, and I held him tighter, wishing I didn’t have to let go.

  Twenty

  Tony and I stood outside the Old Bailey, sipping on bad takeaway coffee and waiting out the last few minutes before we had to go inside. He knew just how difficult a day I had ahead of me, and he didn’t try to fill the quiet with random small talk. He let me have my time to think and prepare.

  I’d left Lee’s bed early in the morning, my heart sore as I watched him sleep. My gaze traced the contours of his body, taking pictures to store in my memory. I was lost in thought when I felt Tony nudge me with his elbow, and looked up to see the Cross brothers arrive. They all wore suits, looking smart and professional. It was at odds with their usual laid-back, streetwise style.

  My heart pounded when I locked eyes with Lee, flashbacks from the night before flooding my mind. I remembered how his lips tasted, how his hands roamed my skin, claiming everything they touched. It was a cold day, but I still felt too hot in my uniform. It was suffocating, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.

  Two men approached the brothers, their legal representation, I was assuming. Some words were exchanged, and then they all began to make their way toward the courthouse. The closer Lee got, the more my lungs constricted, and when he walked right past me without so much as a glance, I felt bereft.

  “Come on, we better head inside, too,” said Tony, his voice gentle.

  Knocking back the last of my coffee, I followed him in, and we took our seats in the court room. There were a number of cases being heard that day, and when the judge came in, he looked harried and stressed. Why did judges always look like that? Like the last thing they had in the world was time, and you were being intolerably rude by presuming you warranted even a moment of it.

  Several other cases were heard first, and I was glad because I wasn’t ready for all eyes to be on me yet. Unfortunately, it all went by too quickly. Tony gave his account of what happened, and before I knew it, I was being called to the stand to give evidence. Every step felt like an eternity, and when I sat and cleared my throat, I couldn’t see anyone else in the room but Lee, his expression stoic as he watched me from the public viewing stand.

  I’d spoken in court countless times before, but today was different. Stammering nervously through my statement, I just wanted it to be over. When I was dismissed, I practically ran from the room, finding the ladies’ and shutting myself inside. I seemed to be having quite a few bathroom panic attacks lately.

  Trying to steady my shaking hands, I imagined they’d be calling Liam to the stand. He’d have his say, and then he’d be asked to give up the name of the person he worked for. He’d tell them it was Lee, and then everything would fall to pieces.

  I was in there for at least twenty minutes when I heard voices shouting angrily from outside. Immediately, I hurried from the bathroom to see what was happening. Following the sound of the argument, I found all four brothers at the end of one corridor. Trevor held Lee back, who was fuming at Stu, a look in his eyes like he wanted to commit murder.

  “How the fuck could you do this?!” Lee yelled, his face red with fury.

  “I had to,” said Stu, his expression resigned as he tried to reason with his brother. “There wasn’t another way.”

  “Of course there was. We already decided. Everything had be
en decided!”

  “You’re wrong — none of us got a say. You made the decision for all of us, thinking you could just put your head on the chopping block like always. Well, this time I’m not letting you be the martyr.”

  “So you thought you’d be one instead? You’re supposed to be my brother — you’re not supposed to lie to me. You let me walk into that courtroom thinking Liam was going to give my name, knowing full well you’d convinced him to give yours instead.”

  Time stood still as my hand went to my mouth and I silently gasped. Stu had switched places with Lee. What the hell? The brothers stared each other down.

  “Ever since we were kids you’ve taken the brunt of the shit we’ve had to go through, but I’m the eldest. It should’ve been me.” Stu looked away, his shoulders turned inward with something close to shame. He ran his hands through his short hair before turning back. “Now it’s my turn to make a sacrifice for this family, just like you’ve been doing your whole life.”

  Lee began shaking his head frantically, turmoil written all over his face. When he spoke, his voice was strained. “Nah, I’m not letting you do this.”

  “It’s already been done,” said Stu, stepping forward and placing his hands on Lee’s shoulders. “You need to let it happen.”

  Lee growled, ripping Stu’s hands off him and turning away.

  “It’s bullshit, and I’m not accepting it,” he shouted before he began stomping down the hall in my direction.

  I’d never seen him look so furious, like he was about to explode out of his own skin and transform into the Incredible Hulk. He stopped abruptly when he saw me, a million feelings mixing into one heartbreaking look. It was almost like I could read his thoughts, because in that moment, I knew he blamed me. I was the perfect scapegoat. I’d been the one behind the wheel that day, and I’d had a hand in Liam being here. I’d had a hand in all of this. I could almost feel the anger corrupting him, twisting and evolving into a raging bull just beneath the surface of his skin as he stared me down.

  There was no reasoning with him now. I knew that, and I knew he said he could never hate me, but right then I thought he’d come close.