Hearts of Blue

by L.H. Cosway

  Liam groaned and left the kitchen, not wanting to witness any more of our smug coupledom.

  ***

  Lee stood across the street from the police station, his arms folded as he leaned against his parked car, waiting for me. I got a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy as I walked across to him and he pulled me into a hug, pressing a kiss to my temple. It was nice having a boyfriend to pick me up after a long day on the job.

  “Hey,” he said, pressing his face into my hair and inhaling deeply.

  “Ugh, please don’t smell me right now. I had to chase down a mugger earlier, and I stink.”

  “You smell amazing,” he countered huskily. “And you’re a sergeant now. Let the others do the grunt work….”

  “Ah, but you’ve gone straight. I have to find my excitement somewhere.”

  Lee chuckled and ran a thumb across my lower lip. “I’ll give you excitement, you cheeky little minx.”

  His laughter died when his attention snagged on something just behind us. I sensed my dad’s presence before I even turned around, my skin prickling when he said my name. “Karla.”

  I stepped out of Lee’s arms and turned to face him, his frown and thick, narrowed eyebrows signalling his disapproval. I didn’t necessarily need to be doing anything bad; he just disapproved of me in general.

  “Dad,” I said firmly as I stood up straight.

  He was studying Lee, his face stern with concentration as he tried to figure out how he knew him. Lee and my dad had had a small few run-ins over the years, plus Dad had pictures of him from the McGregor investigation. Still, Lee’s hair had grown out and he wore a trim, fitted shirt, a suit jacket, and slacks. He dressed like that on days when he was in business mode, so he didn’t look the way Dad was used to seeing him. I swear, it was crazy the things a suit could do to blind people. Though in this case Lee was a retired wolf in sheep’s clothing. Dad’s attention came back to me as he cleared his throat.

  “I heard you passed your sergeant’s exam,” he said.

  He wouldn’t be giving me any “congratulations” or “well done” hugs. God forbid he show some actual emotion. However, the fact that he’d approached me at all was out of character. Dad was the kind of man who waited for you to come to him; otherwise, he’d lose his sense of importance.

  “I did.”

  “At least now you won’t be in the trenches,” he said cynically.

  And there it was. I knew he couldn’t keep up the good behaviour for very long.

  A silence fell, and Lee slid his fingers into mine as a show of support. I didn’t really hate my dad, but I knew I didn’t love him, either. I felt a strange sort of disconnection, and it was kind of sad, but that’s how it would always be between us.

  Dad’s attention returned to Lee. “I supposed this is your young man.”

  “Very pleased to meet you, Superintendent Sheehan.” Lee smiled widely and reached forward to shake his hand. I could tell he was getting a real kick out of this.

  “Likewise,” said Dad. “Karla, it’d please your mother greatly if the two of you came for dinner this Sunday.”

  “Oh, sure,” I said, trying not to simultaneously stutter and choke on my own restrained laughter. “We’ll try our best to make it.” The fact that he didn’t recognise Lee was too hilarious for words. If Dad knew who he was really inviting over for dinner, he’d probably turn around and vomit all over his shiny brown leather shoes.

  “Good. I’ll let her know,” he said before tipping his hat to us and turning to walk away. Before he could complete the turn, he twisted back, eyes on Lee. “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch your name.”

  “The name’s Lee. Lee Cross,” my boyfriend replied, and as soon as the words left his mouth, my dad’s eyes practically popped from their sockets.

  “Well,” I blurted. “We’re in a bit of a hurry, so we’d better go.”

  Tugging on Lee’s hand, I ushered him over to the car. We were already pulling away from the kerb when Dad finally came to his senses, his jaw firming and his expression darkening as he watched us drive away.

  “I’m sorry, but that was priceless,” said Lee, laughter bubbling out of him.

  “My poor dad,” I chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look both furious and confused at the same time.”

  “Serves him right, the old prick. Couldn’t even muster up a single congratulations for you. See the difference between him and me? I lift you up, he pushes you down. You don’t need that shit in your life.”

  God, I adored him. “No, you’re absolutely right. I don’t.”

  Lee shot me a tender smile and focused back on the road.

  “Hey, by the way, 007,” I said, poking him in the arm. “Don’t think I’m letting you away with that cheesy line. I’m telling everyone how you introduced yourself. And I mean everyone.”

  Lee gripped my thigh and gave it a firm squeeze, his other hand still on the steering wheel. “Do it, and I’ll withhold oral sex for a month.”

  I mock-gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

  “I most certainly would.”

  “Fine. I’ll keep your James Bond secret. Wouldn’t want to tarnish your rep, now, would I?” I teased him before continuing, “Anyway, I’m willing to bet the invitation to dinner at my parents will soon be rescinded.”

  “Yep.”

  “You could at least pretend to act disappointed.”

  “Nope.”

  I laughed. Seriously, there was no way I could love the man sitting beside me any more than I already did. Placing my hand over his, I rested my head on his shoulder and exhaled. I was happy in the moment but also looking forward to the future.

  And it felt good.

  Later that evening, I stood on the edge of a seven-foot wall in an old industrial estate near the docks. Lee was beside me, holding my hand. The other week I’d asked him to teach me the basics of free-running, and he’d thought I was joking. I wasn’t. Just because I was a sergeant didn’t mean my days of chasing down thieves were over, and who else better to teach me than one of the best?

  “Loosen up,” said Lee. “When we fall and hurt ourselves, it’s because our bodies go rigid when we panic. You ever see a cat break a leg? No, because they’re all loose and springy. Pretend you’re a cat.”

  I resisted the urge to meow. “Okay, I’m a cat.”

  “Just so you know, the first time I tried a jump like this, I sprained my ankle.”

  “I can deal with a sprained ankle.”

  “Liam broke his leg once. And Stu nearly shattered his knee when he didn’t warm up properly.”

  “Are you trying to freak me out? Because if you are, it’s working.”

  Lee’s fingers squeezed mine. “I just want you to be aware that this won’t be easy. You’re gonna have bruises and sprains. Shit, you’ll ache in places you never knew existed before.”

  I firmed my mouth and narrowed my gaze. “You’re trying to put me off.”

  “I don’t want you to get hurt,” he replied simply, affection bright in his eyes.

  I leaned over to kiss his cheek, my voice turning unexpectedly soft. “Everything good hurts first. If we hadn’t soldiered on, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

  His expression shone with love, but he stayed silent, smiling at me tenderly before finally whispering, “No, we wouldn’t. You ready?”

  “Yes.” No.

  “Just relax. I won’t let go of your hand.”

  Staring at the ground, I leapt at the same time Lee did, the air whooshing past my ears as my heart pounded in an exhilarating rush. Our feet landed simultaneously, and I crouched low just like he’d instructed me to do. And, like he promised, he didn’t let go of my hand.

  Epilogue

  2 years later. HM Prison Belmarsh, London.

  Lee

  Hands on the steering wheel. Gear stick in neutral. Heart lodged firmly in my fucking throat.

  I’ve been waiting at her good Majesty’s prison for the last half an hour. Any minute now my b
rother will walk out those gates and finally be a free man. After serving two years of a seven-year sentence that should’ve had my name on it, he’s finally going to walk. I’m not angry. Not anymore. But I’m not grateful, either. Life’s too short to go around acting like you owe people. Stu did for me what I would’ve done for him. It was simple. We were brothers.

  We still are, but recently it hasn’t felt like it.

  For the last three months, he’s refused to take my visits. I haven’t had a single phone call, letter, or smoke signal, and I’m beginning to get worried. Fuck it, that’s a lie. I was worried long before now, but I have it on good authority that Stu’s alive and in perfect health, so why the hell has he cut off communication?

  I sit up straighter when I see the gates open and two screws step out. They usher forward three blokes, and I immediately recognise Stu as one of them. He walks straight, head down, wearing a hoodie and jeans.

  I smack my hand down on the horn to get his attention and he looks up, recognising my motor. I see him mutter something to himself, a few effs and jeffs, I’m willing to bet, before turning his wheels in my direction. Liam and Trevor are at the house, helping Sophie and Karla set up the welcome-home party. By the looks of it, they’re going to have a fuck of a time getting Stu in the party mood.

  He opens the door and slides into the passenger seat. “Didn’t ask you to come,” are the first words out of the moody bastard’s mouth. If I had less restraint, I’d give him a kick in the balls.

  “Wasn’t going to let you get the bus, now, was I?” I say, starting up the engine.

  We drive in silence for a couple of minutes, Stu staring out the window, big horror head on him.

  “Well, I must say, Stuart, you’re a veritable ray of fucking sunshine today.”

  All he does is turn his head, level me with an expression that has “piss off” written all over it, and resumes looking out the window.

  “So you’re not going to explain why I’ve gotten nothing but radio silence off you for months?”

  He tilts his head to me, all snotty. “Wasn’t feeling chatty.”

  “I thought they put you in the hole. Found out from Jimmy Kelly’s cousin that you’re walking around fit as a fiddle.”

  “Jimmy Kelly’s cousin can go fuck himself.”

  That does it. I slam my foot down on the brakes and pull the car off to the side of the road. He’s putting up a front, I can just tell. Snapping free my seatbelt, I turn to him, placing a steady hand on his shoulder. He flinches at my touch, and let me tell you, seeing your six-foot-two, brick-shithouse brother flinch away from a friendly touch would do a number on anyone.

  “This is me, Stu. There’s nobody else here. No bullshit, so stop blocking me out.” I keep my voice measured, not letting my temper get the better of me.

  All of a sudden, Stu slumps in his seat. His breathing goes funny, and he closes his eyes. I stare at him, not knowing what to do. It seems like he’s ignoring me again, but then I see the wetness on his cheeks and I realise he’s crying.

  “Ah, fuck,” I swear quietly, emotion biting at my gut as I pull him into a hug.

  He heaves in my arms, all two hundred and some pounds of him, and I notice he’s become a lot bulkier during his time away. The pain he’s been dealing with rolls out like a riptide now that he has a safe place to expel it. It’s a bullshit social standard that men aren’t supposed to cry anyway. Fuck, I’d cried like a baby into a bottle of Jack when I thought I’d lost Karla, and I’m man enough to admit it. I know Stu had a rough time of it when he first got sent away, trying to avoid fights and stupid political mind games. A bloke like me can disappear into a crowd, become wallpaper, but not Stu. He stands out.

  “Fuuuuck,” he curses, gripping my shirt as he pulls back and runs his hands down his face. “I’m sorry.”

  “Not necessary.”

  “It is. You don’t need me coming out with a chip on my shoulder. And I missed your wedding.”

  I laugh softly. Missing my and Karla’s wedding is the last thing I expected him to feel bad about. “It’s not like they were going to let you take a day trip.”

  “Yeah, but, I could’ve, I dunno, Skyped myself in or something. I always thought I’d be your best man.”

  “Me, too. Trevor did an okay job.”

  “Little prick stole my thunder.”

  I chuckle and grip his hand in mine. “You didn’t miss nothing fancy, that’s not mine and Snap’s style, but it was the best day. I wish you could’ve been there.”

  He perks up, sliding his eyes to mine. “Yeah?”

  Sitting back in my seat, I describe the day, knowing it’d be good for him to picture something other than a six-by-eight cell and high walls. “Yeah. Alexis was her bridesmaid. You would’ve appreciated the low neckline.”

  Stu groans. “Don’t fucking torture me. It’s been two years, bruv.”

  I frown. “I know. My bad.”

  “Not your fault. What else?”

  “Karla had her hair up in this thing, looked like a bloody Danish pastry. I don’t know how birds do that shit. It’s like it’s purposefully designed to make you want to pull it and make a mess. Obviously, her old man didn’t show. Her mum made a brief appearance, though. Karla seemed real happy about that. We had Liam give her away. Trevor, the greedy little git, wanted to play father of the bride and best man, but I wasn’t having it.”

  Stu laughs.

  “And during the afters he tried getting off with Larry Murphy’s wife. The bloke nearly de-bollocked him. Trust Trev to pull a stunt like that, but fuck it, a wedding’s not a wedding without a bit of colour.”

  “True.”

  A quiet falls between us, and I cast him a look. “Are we good?”

  Stu nods before letting out a long exhalation. “Yeah, we’re good.”

  “Great, because Soph’s throwing you a welcome-home party, so you’re going to have to plaster a smile on that ugly mug for the next few hours.”

  Stu chuckles loudly. “You’re jealous of this mug and we both know it.” A pause as he side-eyes me. “She hasn’t invited a bunch of people, has she?”

  I shake my head. “Nah, just the family today, bruv. I’m making you a slap-up meal, by the way. Been planning it for weeks. It’s gonna blow your socks off, make you forget about all that prison slop you’ve been eating.”

  Stu groans. “I never thought I’d miss fruit, but Christ, I swear I’d get a stiffy if I saw an apple right now.”

  “All round and ripe for the picking,” I say with a grin. “Sexy little bitches.”

  Stu barks a laugh, and it makes me feel ten feet tall to see him smile, even if it is only for a minute. I pull a pack of ciggies from my pocket, light one up, and hand it to him before lighting another for myself. We sit in quiet as we smoke, staring at the road ahead. When we’re done, we throw our butts out the window and I start the car up again.

  “Wait,” says Stu, putting his hand on mine. I turn to him. “Can I drive?” he asks.

  “Go for it,” I reply, and we get out to switch seats.

  All the way home I watch him, little by little seeing the tension seep out of him the farther we get away from the prison. Still, he seems different, more stoic and thoughtful somehow. I mean, being put away would change anyone, no matter how strong they are going in. I wonder what it’s like to be all caged up like that, stuck looking at the same dumbfuck faces every day. That fate was almost mine, and I’m resolved to do everything in my power to make life better for my brother from here on out.

  By the time we arrive at the house, Stu almost looks like his old self again. We step in the front door and everyone’s waiting in the kitchen, shouting “welcome home” and blowing on party whistles. Stu shakes his head, but I know he’s secretly loving it.

  Karla steps up and gives him a hug, and he seems to sink into the touch. It doesn’t make me jealous, far from it. He hasn’t smelled a women in over two years, so I understand that he can’t help absorbing her softness. She sm
iles when she catches my eye, letting go of Stu and moving across the room to greet me.

  I love her punch-to-the-gut beautiful smiles, love her bright blue eyes and sexy red hair. I love her body, love how everything about her seems like it was made for me. But most of all I want that for my brother. After everything he’s been through, I want him to find a woman who grabs his heart by the balls and shows him what it feels like to truly love someone.

  “You look gorgeous,” I tell her, laying a quick kiss on her mouth while my hand slips down to cup her arse.

  “Oh, but you’re prettier,” she teases me, giving my lip a saucy little bite. For a second I consider dragging her upstairs for a quickie, but then I remind myself that today isn’t about me and my horndog needs. Today is about Stu.

  Letting go of my perfect, tough, kickass police sergeant wife, I head to the fridge and pull out the ingredients I prepared earlier. I’m cooking Stu an Angus steak with all the trimmings.

  “Fuck yes,” he says when he sees what I’m making, clapping me round the shoulder and knocking back a slug of the beer Sophie handed him the moment he stepped through the door.

  Karla goes to sit at the table, in between Liam and Trev. She smiles at them both as she pulls Billie up onto her lap. The kid’s been living with us full time ever since Karla helped Sophie foster her. She affectionately pushes a strand of her hair behind her ear and asks Liam how he’s getting on at the police academy, then questions Trev on his latest adrenaline-junkie endeavour.

  Stu sits on the other side of the table, beside Sophie, content to listen to the conversation flow around him. It’s like a strike to the chest, seeing Karla surrounded by all my family. They’re her family now. And she doesn’t even realise it, but she’s become like a mother to all of them, looking out for their welfare, giving them help when it’s needed.

  I’d always done it alone, but now I have someone to hold my hand and shoulder some of the burden. She’ll never have my kids. I know that and I hate it, but it doesn’t take away even an ounce of the love I have for her. In fact, it only makes me love her more. Because she’s made my brothers her sons, Sophie her daughter, and bettered all our lives in the process.