Crap Dates: Disastrous Encounters from Single Life

by Rhodri Marsden

  @CMcArdle

  His opening gambit: “I have a treacherous mind.” Byeeee!

  @laurenlarie

  He got mad when I didn’t finish my dinner, then informed me we were going to smoke weed (I’m allergic to weed) in a cemetery.

  @yadele

  After many awkward silences, I actually heard myself say: “So, do you buy anything on eBay?”

  @Shedna1

  He told me that the night before he had pissed in the underwear drawers of his three female housemates, and was I put off? Yes.

  @MarilynLynch

  On a long drive to Pizza Hut he told me all about the meaning of Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” while playing it on repeat.

  @SlaterFM96

  He got hammered, pissed against a tree in a park and proceeded to tackle me to the ground in my skirt when my back was turned.

  @alexbmorris

  He suggested I shag him: “You might as well, I’m going to tell people we slept together anyway.” I declined. He was true to his word.

  #THE CHIVALROUS GENTLEMAN

  @Esyllt

  He refused to walk me to a taxi in town at 3 am because “statistically, I’m more likely to be attacked than you.”

  Medieval knights were obliged by a code of honor to “do nothing to displease maidens,” but times have changed. Some men, their brains clouded by a shitstorm of confused logic based on an article about feminism that they once half-digested, won’t even bother showing common courtesy because they figure it’s no longer necessary. No woman is expecting a bloke to take off his jacket and place it over a muddy puddle, but they’d rather he didn’t stomp in the puddle hard, while laughing. Or tell her to mop it up. A generation of men is now growing up who will greet the sound of a shrill fire alarm by fleeing for the nearest exit and leaving their date to be consumed by the raging inferno. From such incidents blossoms precious little romance.

  @KatieMyJohnson

  He got so incredibly drunk that he confessed to wanking his brother off when he was 11. I ran.

  @lara_w

  He drove me three times around the block so I could fully admire the walnut dashboard on his new Jag. It was a five minute walk.

  @CHI_Elizabeth

  It was supposed to be a group of people. Those other people didn’t exist.

  @carolineclarke

  I went on a date with a guy who depressed us both by talking about how he killed cows organically for a summer job. He cried.

  @forkncorka

  The first Irish girl I went out with pops up 40 minutes late, no apology, just says “I really hate your tie.”

  @WastedElegance

  He didn’t know my name, didn’t buy one drink and spat in front of me in the street. Later he texted me asking what underwear I was wearing.

  @GlossCommsPR

  My friend went on a date with a man who asked if he could pay to watch her do his ironing.

  #THE EXHAUSTING DULLARD

  @TrayboMcC

  The date was so bad that when he called afterwards I said I couldn’t talk as I was watching Crocodile Dundee.

  It’s like watching an insufferably tedious television program while strapped tightly to a chair and the remote control lying on a table about three feet out of reach. You can’t change the channel. You’re stuck with an analysis of the recent application of fiscal stimuli to the Namibian economy, a rundown of the current bestselling dishwashers, or insight into the thought processes of a stick insect. Your facial expression of total indifference, boredom, and frustration will be interpreted as a curious fascination, as they go on to present you with relevant pamphlets and a souvenir DVD. Those who don’t date regularly may think that this kind of banality isn’t as bad as sitting in total silence, but to be honest I’m not convinced that’s true.

  @neva_itis

  I met him at his place as he had “someone for me to meet.” It was his teddy bear, of whom he had hundreds of photos on the walls as well.

  @bexcoleman

  He took half my meal as he said I’d had enough already. He farted loudly all way home. He thought we’d get on as he “liked cats too.”

  @HornseyCupcake

  He left the table to go and vomit after every course. Said he was training. I don’t remember what for.

  @legsidelizzy

  I met a bloke for what was supposed to be lunch. He told me he didn’t like what I was wearing, and said I should go home and change.

  @StephenPKelly

  I once had a date go horribly bad when I got drunk and pointed out that the Smiths’ lyrics tattooed on her arm were wrong.

  @olifranklin

  My date got a text from a mutual friend during drinks: “Has he talked about the Rwandan genocide yet?” Worse, the answer was yes, I had.

  @heiditretheway

  He answered his mobile three times. To talk to his ex-fianceé. About the house they were remodeling. Together. Still.

  @bubblesmunch

  I turned up. He stood there with cue cards and “spoke” through them, Bob Dylan–style, before he’d “let” me hear his voice.

  @bowowower

  She checked if I had washed hands after going to the toilet, told me off for restaurant choice, and phoned afterwards to ask what had gone wrong.

  #THE MARRIED MAN

  @livvythepink

  I pointed at his wedding ring. “Oh, sorry.” He put it in his pocket. “So, where were we?” he said.

  Men supposedly have a genetic predisposition to mate with as many women as possible, but attempts to satisfy this urge are inevitably characterized by anger, jealousy, awkward social situations, and a bunch of laughable excuses. Nevertheless, men of all sorts still try it on, relentlessly, and women have been known to make similar errors. Perhaps you’re trapped in a relationship where romance has been replaced by TV nights, home improvements, and golf—so you make a calculated decision to embark upon a doomed fling. Preferably with someone gullible enough not to question why you start sweating every time your mobile phone rings, or wonder why you keep calling them by someone else’s name and then apologizing.

  @ElaineRonson

  Had date with a yogi. He bought me an ice cream, took me to see his Buddha shrine, told me he’d taken a vow of celibacy, then jumped me.

  @leopard_bint

  He invited me to his house for dinner. He ordered pizza and made me watch him play online Bingo.

  @shit_ninja

  I’d fancied him for a while. On our first (and last) date he told me his hobby was eating paper, then demonstrated with the local news.

  @23Daves

  As a conversation opener, she showed me 25 photos she’d taken of Sylvia Plath’s grave.

  @digmy_mood

  A date showed up with an albino ferret named Dylan on a leash. She channeled all chat through him. “Dylan says . . .”

  @PopperClops

  We played that game, “I’ve never . . .” I asked him if he’d ever been arrested. “Yes, seven times actually, twice for attempted murder.”

  @raquelle

  Before sitting down, he announced: “I’m Jon, I don’t want kids or commitment,” then went to the bathroom.

  #THE PERSISTENT STALKER

  @AdeleLBamber

  He drank a LOT & talked about his sister a LOT. I left and he phoned 20+ times. The last voicemail was him singing Billy Ocean at 4 am.

  They don’t take “no” for an answer. In fact, they see “no” as an opportunity for further negotiation. “No” is something these people can work with. Needy, but also in possession of vast reserves of self-belief, they continue to pursue you after a terrible date, convinced that their behavior is “romantic” when it’s in fact an arrestable offence. When you don’t respond to their excitable text, they send another to ask if you received their excitable text. The thing is, even if they were able to change your mind, it would never be achieved by relentless nagging. They would need to make wholesale changes to their personality and appearance, and impress you b
y doing extensive volunteer work with Doctors Without Borders.

  @amyprice29

  “Look, just don’t wear heels, ok? We’re not actually invited to this party so 20 of us are going to jump the back fence.”

  @MrPage303

  She left my cheeseboard selection from my fridge in various places around my apartment. And then denied doing so.

  #THE UNHINGED DRUNKARD

  @tonywithahook

  I went on a date and forgot what the person looked like when I went to the toilet.

  Dates can be stressful, and alcohol is a legal and freely available substance with which you can take the edge off the anxiety. But beyond the point where you shrug off your hang-ups and inhibitions lies a more dangerous stage, where you lose your bearings, your house keys, and your dignity. Your emotions combine to form an unusual and deeply volatile cocktail: misery, aggression, amorousness. Yes, it’s true that many relationships begin with excessive drinking, but booze doesn’t make anyone more attractive: it just lowers everyone’s standards for a period of six hours. And increases everyone’s chances of waking up next to someone with whom they share a fondness for shots of flaming sambuca, but precious little else.

  @supersophski

  He didn’t buy me a drink, and spent the whole date talking about himself. He texted me on way home to tell me the radio was playing “our song.”

  @tompeck1000

  She arrived, saying “I’ve been in the pub since three.” On the word three she fell down the stairs and broke both her stiletto heels.

  @The_Moviegoer

  He disappeared for half an hour to “talk to a guy.” When he came back he was surprised to run into me and offered to buy me a drink.

  @FabulousRant

  He arrived at my parents’ house wearing eyeliner and riding a stolen bicycle, chased by a gang of youths who wanted the bike back.

  @sandybabs

  I went on a date with a Peruvian guy who said to me during our tapas: “You eat like windmill.”

  @julietpickering

  One of my dates suggested I guess the length of his penis about, oh, half an hour in. When I demurred he got all “Guess! Just guess!”

  @chloealper

  A date once took me to a store in Reading where, unbeknownst to me, he shoplifted “Oh Carolina” by Shaggy and then gave it to me as a gift.

  @gemgemloulou

  I was treated to a 25-minute story about the ins and outs of the baggage handling crisis at Heathrow’s Terminal 5.

  @Jade_e_e

  Arranged a second date with a divorced policeman, who later texted me saying he’s not divorced but “wouldn’t mind sex” if I was OK with that.

  #THE DISGRUNTLED DUMPEE

  @VandalLiza

  He had photos of his ex all over his flat, and on our first night he made me watch Dune because she had a bit part in it.

  There are various algebraic formulae that people use to estimate how long it should take someone to get over their last relationship. These tend to be slightly optimistic, because no one wants to hear the brutal truth (e.g., eighteen months of gin and tears) when they’re feeling that low. But while these formulae never spit out a value of “three weeks,” that’s how long it takes some types of broken-hearted singletons to decide that they’re ready to start dating again. You can spot them during a date by their tendency to start crying while muttering “bitch” or “bastard,” as they start using the evening as a comparatively inexpensive form of cognitive behavioral therapy. Also look out for the phrases “But I’m over it now” and “No I’m fine, really,” which they’re not.

  @timchipping

  Her first words: “Sorry I’m late. One of the kids at school flooded the toilets and did a big shit in the middle of it.”

  @lisabont

  He claimed he was psychic, knew all the “hidden messages” in Michael Jackson songs and that he had once killed a bison.

  @bethmorganuk

  His crappy car stalled. I push-started it. He drove off and left me standing in the road. In the rain.

  @anonymous

  He turned up with one of his “wife’s friends.”

  @redcath

  He called 10 minutes before the date to ask if I was running late. He picked a fight with a stranger for looking at him and said aliens are in the Bible.

  @chrispaget1

  She thought it would be funny to throw a drink over me as I said I felt a bit hot. It was red wine. I had a white shirt on.

  @daisythom

  An online date. He arrived, looking nothing like his photos. He was angry with the world. We had an argument about cheese.

  @WillardFoxton

  She was a conceptual artist who “worked mostly in the medium of knives.” Hundreds of sharp, shiny ones in her room.

  @Scaraboo

  After the prom, at about 2 am, it was cold and raining. My date refused to give me his jacket because “then I’ll be cold.”

  @PRVix

  My date suggested we both bring friends. Within minutes, his friend offered my friend drugs and got angry when she declined.

  @_npb_

  Third date, he takes me back to his—or rather his dad’s place. Which was sheltered housing for the elderly and we had to sneak in.

  #THE MACHO POSTURER

  @annaloowees

  He told me he liked to show dogs that he’s alpha-male by grabbing their muzzle and staring in their eyes. “It’s just how I roll.” Not with me it’s not.

  Assessing exactly how masculine a woman expects a man to be is something that’s difficult to calculate—and easy to get wrong, mid-date, as you hoist her over your shoulder in a spirited attempt at a fireman’s lift. Some women might prefer their date to look like that poster of a young bodybuilder gently cuddling a baby, with all those caring, nurturing instincts intact, while others might well prefer a close approximation of Mad Max. But making brave stabs in the dark by describing yourself as a bare-knuckle prizefighter when you’re actually a tax accountant won’t work (see “The Blatant Liar”). Bragging about feats of strength, demonstrating your bench press technique using a golf umbrella, or wrestling a sommelier to the floor are also inadvisable.

  @breekom

  He said that he’d given up coffee, food and booze, and spent the evening licking sugar from little packets.

  @cardio_matters

  He corrected my grammar. Repeatedly. When I told him my office is on the Strand, he said “You mean STRAND. No ‘The.’ ”

  #THE DISAPPEARING ACT

  @petefoxes

  She excused herself after half an hour to go home and check that her cat hadn’t set fire to itself on her candles.