by Ali Olson
Jack knew what he needed to do. He needed to pack and get ready to leave for Wyoming. It was time to get the hell out of Spring Valley.
* * *
AMY BRACED HER body as the open-back truck careened around a corner, the driver apparently trying to hit every pothole he could find. If riding horses is bad for pregnant women, I can’t imagine this is good, she thought.
Amy banged on the window to get the driver’s attention and hopped out, even though she could still see her hotel behind her and was nowhere near her next destination. After a short argument and paying the equivalent of about fifty cents, Amy watched the red truck continue down the street, followed by three similar vehicles. Amy pulled out her phone, hoping one of her car service apps would work in this country, since the taxi system apparently left a lot to be desired.
A couple of months ago, a bumpy ride on a bench bolted into the back of a truck would be hardly worth noticing except as an interesting cultural phenomenon, but now things were different. There was a baby to think about.
An image of Jack’s silver truck, old but with an unmistakable feeling of security built into it, enveloped her, and she longed for home. Amy could feel tears prick her eyes, and it was difficult to see her phone screen for a minute. Finally, she was able to request a car to pick her up, and she leaned against a wall while she waited for it to arrive, trying to stay out of the sun.
The moist heat of the air filled her lungs, and she wished for a cool rain. Like the one that had trapped her and Jack in the barn after their “first date.”
Amy bit her lip in frustration. She had been in Chiang Mai for twenty-four hours, and she’d spent almost all of that time wishing for Jack and home, or else feeling nauseated and wanting food from home, which was so completely different from the ubiquitous Thai offerings that she’d already broken down and visited a Mexican restaurant for food that tasted exactly like she should’ve expected food at a Mexican restaurant in Thailand to taste like.
Amy stopped the flow of negative thoughts and tried to pull herself together. Since when did she complain so much about the little difficulties that came with travel? She was here to have adventures, experience a new culture and see the lantern festival, something she’d wanted to do for years. Then she would write an article about it and get paid. Anyone would love to have this opportunity.
It upset her to no end that she was absolutely miserable.
Before she could dig into everything that had changed and what that meant for her, Amy’s ride, a sleek black car stopped in front of her and she hopped in, determined to at least give this city a chance. She directed the driver to the temple she had planned to visit, then leaned back against the cushions and soaked in the air conditioning. Without thinking, her hand crept to her stomach, as if she could feel the child growing inside her.
The child whose future depended completely on her decisions, even though she felt more lost and confused than she ever had in her life. She didn’t feel like she was remotely capable of making decisions for anyone, let alone an innocent baby.
Amy repeated the mantra she’d started as soon as she arrived in Thailand: If she could just make it to the lantern festival, everything would sort itself out somehow. She knew it was illogical, stupid even, to assume that she would magically know what to do after that, but she had to hold on to some sort of hope. Unfortunately, the lantern festival was weeks away still, and Amy had no idea how she would survive until then.
But this was her life, right? If she wasn’t willing to give it up for Jack and the baby, then she better find some way to enjoy it.
Maybe by the time the festival was over and she moved on to the next place, her heart would hurt less. Then she could broach what to do about this baby. Right now, she missed Jack so deeply it was hard to think about much else. After two weeks, hopefully she would have healed enough to think about life without Jack and not feel pain.
Amy tried to believe that, but couldn’t quite manage it.
She arrived at the temple and walked past the statues and worshippers half-heartedly, taking pictures and notes for her article, but not actually seeing much of the scene before her. Her thoughts were so focused inward that it was impossible for her to do much more than wander aimlessly. Finally, she sat down on a bench in the shade as out of way as she could find and sighed.
What was she doing? Where had the spark of adventure gone?
Amy didn’t know, and that scared her. She pulled out her phone and glanced through her email, hoping Jack had written back to her. She wanted so badly to hear from him, even if it was an email telling her off. Anything written by him would be a comfort in its own way. But there was nothing from him, not a single word. There was, however, another message that made her sit up. It was from a website editor she’d written for several times, the subject line Important Opportunity, Respond ASAP.
Amy opened it. She read it through once, then again.
Hi Amy!
I saw those pictures of you in The Sun—seems like you’re having an exciting time out on the road! I was actually trying to figure out a writer for a series we want for our site: Winter in the Alps. We’d want write-ups of at least four different locations, details about the skiing opportunities and holiday festivities, etc. etc. This could be anywhere from four to as many as ten articles, if you can make them unique enough, and if anybody can do it, it’s you. We’ll pay expenses and your usual fee per article. Please let me know if you’re available and interested as soon as you can!
Amy leaned back and closed her eyes. This was an amazing offer for her, an opportunity to go to a great location with a sure purchaser for her articles about it. And it killed her that she wasn’t at all excited about the prospect.
It wasn’t just the pregnancy, either, and she knew it. She could easily find doctors in Swiss hospitals for checkups, and she didn’t need to ski to write about the slopes. She should be jumping at the chance to take this job, baby or not. And now that she’d broken things off with Jack, there was nothing holding her back. How could she say anything but yes?
She closed the email, not sure how to answer.
As Amy sat there, watching the temple-goers pass, there was one person she wanted to speak to, one woman whose advice and voice she most wanted to hear.
Her mom.
Not the biological one—the mom that had gone to every track meet and junior rodeo competition, who’d bought her prom dress, and who’d cried every time she left home.
Amy tapped her phone a few times before putting it to her ear. It rang several times before Ma answered with a very sleepy “Who on earth is calling at this hour?”
Amy almost slapped her forehead. It had to be after midnight in Texas. “Sorry to call so late, Ma,” she said.
The voice on the other end suddenly sounded much more alert. “Amy? What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“No, nothing happened,” Amy said in her most reassuring voice. “I just forgot about the time difference. I’ll call back at a better time.”
“Oh, no, dear,” Ma said, and Amy could hear her moving around. “I’m awake now, so I expect you to talk to me for a good long bit. Make getting up worth it. What’s bothering you, dear?”
Amy smiled. She was sure that Ma wouldn’t rest until she found out why Amy had called. “There are a few things going on that I haven’t told you about, Ma,” she confessed.
At first, Amy had only planned on telling her about Jack and the pregnancy, but as soon as she started everything poured out: the robbery in Morocco, her affair with Armand, her fears about being like her biological mother. All of it. By the time she was finished, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
Her mother was silent on the other side of the line for several long seconds after Amy finished. Then she said, “Oh dear, you have had a difficult time of it lately, haven’t you?”
Amy laughed through her tears.
> “How can I help with all this, Amy?” Ma asked, her voice earnest.
Amy shrugged even though she knew the other woman couldn’t see the gesture. “I just needed you to know. I’ve never felt so lost. Should I move to Wyoming? Keep traveling? Give up the baby or keep it? This is all so confusing.”
“Do you remember that book you read in high school, The Bell Jar?” Ma asked.
“I remember it,” Amy answered, with no idea how Ma was planning to connect this to her life.
“Do you remember the fig tree thing?”
Amy’s class had spent almost a week talking about that part of the story, and Ma’s meaning became clear in a flash. “She sees her life as a tree and all her different options as figs on it, but she can’t decide which thing to pursue,” Amy said, digging the scene out of her memory. “Because she doesn’t pick one, the options wither and fall around her as she starves.”
“Good girl,” Ma said. “I can’t choose for you, but I can tell you that you best make a choice. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
Fear still held Amy back. “I’m so scared I’ll be a bad mother,” she admitted, almost in a whisper.
Ma’s voice came to her like a warm hug. “Sweetie, if you’re so worried, you’ll do just fine. It means you care and you want the best for your baby, and that’s what being a good mom is all about.”
After another few minutes, Amy hung up the phone and used her app to request another car. Since she had a few minutes to wait, she settled back on the bench, trying to get comfortable.
Her mom was right—she needed to make a choice. It was time to grow up and stop acting on momentary whims and selfish desires that just made her more miserable in the long run.
So what did she really, truly want, for herself and her baby and the other people around her? Amy closed her eyes and created images of her future, trying to assess her feelings about each one. An image of her in a Swiss ski resort, taking pictures and writing articles as it snowed outside, an image of her in Spring Valley with her family, an image of her in Jack’s arms, the background a mystery. The baby in her arms, the baby being taken away to another family.
In all that mess, all those lives she could live, what did she want?
Amy opened her eyes and sat up. As afraid as she might feel, or unsure or whatever, she knew what she wanted. And now it was time to put it into action.
Then she stood and went to meet the car waiting for her, hurrying her steps a little. She needed to get back to her hotel room and her computer—she had some flights to book.
* * *
JACK SLAMMED ANOTHER bag into the back of his truck. He wasn’t sure what was in it, and frankly, he didn’t care much. He just needed to get the stuff into the vehicle so he could get out on the road and away from this damn town as quickly as he could.
The past two days, ever since he’d arrived home and learned that Amy was actually gone, had been a blur of cramming everything he owned into duffel bags and working as much as he could on the ranch. His body desperately needed a rest, but he couldn’t manage to sit still. It was better to work and keep his mind blank, stay angry. If he wasn’t angry, he’d be hurt, and he couldn’t deal with that anymore.
As he tossed the last two bags in with the others, Jack heard a truck turn into the driveway. He turned and felt as if he was hallucinating. Amy pulled up beside where he stood, stepped out of the truck and ran toward him. Without thinking, he opened his arms wide and caught her up in them, holding her close.
She was here, back in Spring Valley, back in his arms. He didn’t know how or why, and for the moment he couldn’t think of anything beyond the feeling of her in his arms. “You left,” he said, trying to process what was happening.
Amy nodded, not removing her face from where it rested against his shoulder. “I got to Thailand and realized the only place I wanted to be was wherever you were. Here or Cheyenne, a ranch or in the suburbs. As long as I’m with you, Jack.”
He squeezed her close, trying to absorb her words. She continued speaking, her voice a little muffled by his shirt. “I’m not scared anymore, Jack. I know that I love you and I want to have this baby with you.”
Jack held Amy tight for another second before forcing his arms to break their hold on her. Amy backed up a little and looked into his face. Her cheeks were stained from her tears. “I love you, Jack,” she said again.
“I love you too, Amy,” he told her.
She stepped closer, but he moved back, keeping distance between them. He felt so much pain in his heart that he had to stop himself from rubbing the skin above it. He focused on his anger instead.
Her expression grew confused as they looked at one another. He knew what he needed to say next, but it took him a moment to get out the words. Angry, he reminded himself. He was angry. “But I can’t do this, Amy.”
Shock flooded her face and Jack looked away. He needed to say it all. “When you left the first time, it about killed me. And this time...well, I just know I can’t put myself through that again. It’s too hard. I love you and I’ll always love you, but I can’t risk my heart like that.”
“I won’t run again,” she said, her voice a whisper.
Jack shook his head, holding tightly to his fury. “I can’t let myself believe that.” He thought of his mother’s words. “I deserve someone who I know won’t disappear when things get difficult, Amy.”
He stopped talking, but Amy said nothing else. “I still want to be a part of the baby’s life and help any way I can. I’m happy to be your friend, Amy,” he said stiffly, knowing it didn’t sound sincere.
But it was all he was capable of at the moment, dammit.
Jack finally risked a glance up and felt his anger dissolve in one quick swoop. She wasn’t crying, but her expression spoke of the agony she felt. Jack wanted to say something to help, but there was nothing left to say. He knew what he’d said was right. Now he just needed to get away before he caved.
Jack gestured to his full truck and where Benny was waiting nearby, ready to settle into the horse trailer for the long ride to Cheyenne. “I better go. I’ll see you at the wedding, Amy.”
With that, he turned and walked away, not risking a backward glance until he heard her truck driving away. Once he did, however, he watched until it disappeared, only able to keep himself from chasing after her with the hardest effort.
When she was gone, Jack turned again and continued walking toward where Benny was waiting for him. He hugged the horse’s neck tight for a moment, telling himself he’d made the right choice no matter how horrible it made him feel at the moment.
Benny snorted in commiseration. Or maybe in disappointment. Jack couldn’t be sure.
Chapter Twelve
Cassie opened the door, nearly squealing in her excitement when she saw that Amy was on the other side. “You’re back!” she shrieked as she gave Amy a giant hug. “This means you’re going to be here for the wedding, right?” she asked, leaning away and looking into Amy’s face.
Amy nodded, but Cassie’s face fell immediately. “What happened?” she asked, looking concerned.
Amy felt the tears she’d managed to suppress at Jack’s coming to the surface, but she held them back. This was a time to stop being so selfish. Cassie was getting married in a week, and she deserved Amy’s attention, not Amy’s sadness and tears. “It doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry for the way I treated you, and if you don’t want me to be your bridesmaid, I understand.”
Cassie pulled Amy into another hug, this one full of sympathy instead of excitement. “Of course I want you to be my bridesmaid. You’re my sister,” Cassie said.
In a flash, the two women were inside, sitting at the kitchen table. “You sure you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong?” Cassie asked again, looking into Amy’s eyes.
Amy wanted to s
ob into her sister’s shoulder about her heartbreak and shame at causing a sweet man like Jack to feel so hurt and angry, but she held it all back. “I’ve just made a lot of mistakes the past couple of weeks—years, actually—and they’re coming back to me,” she said, chiding herself. Before Cassie could say anything, Amy added, “But I’m going to try to be better. I want to be a stronger, more selfless person. For my baby, if nothing else.”
Cassie gave her an encouraging smile. “It sounds like you did some soul-searching in Thailand.”
Amy tried to smile, but failed. “You could say that.”
Amy wanted to curl up and cry about Jack, beat herself up over all the pain she had caused him with her selfishness, and mourn the loss of the man she loved. Now that she’d said what she needed to and apologized to Cassie, her strength felt sapped. She stood up slowly. “I should get home,” she said.
Cassie stood and grabbed Amy’s arm. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m here if there’s anything I can do to help. Same with Brock. And your entire family.”
Amy nodded, though she hardly heard the words, and walked out and toward her parents’ house. It was only when she was at the midpoint between the two ranches that Cassie’s words really sunk in. She had so much family and so much love around her. She needed to remember that.
When she arrived home, Amy fell into Ma and Pop’s arms, apologizing for her disappearance. Then she told them about what happened with Jack. “You were right, Ma,” she said at last. “I didn’t make the choice I really wanted, and by the time I realized it, I was too late. I’ve lost him.”
Pop shook his head. “Are you going to give him up that easy, Amy?”
Amy looked up at her father, not sure what he meant. Her mother nodded in agreement. “Why, if I had let Howie go when he told me I was too stubborn to date, you wouldn’t be sitting on this couch with us,” she said.
Amy looked to Pop in surprise. He nodded and wrapped his arm around his wife. “She convinced me to give her another chance, and I haven’t let her go since. I just thank my lucky stars she was smart enough to see what I couldn’t.”