by Ali Olson
“Tell me about her,” Amy said, pointing to the woman in the pictures.
Maryanne sighed. “She...loves her life. Every time I was around her, she’d tell me about the things she was doing and the exciting people she’d met. And she was very extroverted, always the life of every party.”
Amy waited a moment, but Maryanne seemed reluctant to go on. “But...” she prompted, knowing that would be the next word out of Maryanne’s mouth.
“But she didn’t really want children, and I always felt like more of a hindrance than an actual part of her life. She didn’t have the time or patience to care about anyone but herself, and she was flighty. Here one day, off on her newest adventure the next without a word of warning. We lost touch when I grew old enough to resent it and stopped pushing us to have a relationship.”
Amy took in all this information, staring at the photos in front of her. Their mother hadn’t wanted a child, hadn’t been prepared for a child, and Maryanne suffered because of it. Amy felt a twinge of fear run through her. Was she going to be like her mother in that way?
Maryanne turned the page and pointed out an older woman, explaining that it was their grandmother. Amy could hardly listen.
After a few more minutes, Amy left her sister’s house, thanking her for the information, but insisting she needed to go. Maryanne gave Amy a concerned look. “I’m sorry if I’ve said anything that upset you. I really would like us to have a relationship, Amy.”
Amy hugged Maryanne and assured her that they would stay in contact, and then she hopped into her rental car and drove toward the hotel. Once she was parked in the lot, however, she didn’t make a move to leave the vehicle.
The truth about her biological mother worried Amy more than she liked to admit, and she couldn’t seem to get it out of her head. All her fears about her ability to be a good parent while still living her life and traveling shot to the surface. Would she end up having the same kind of relationship with her son or daughter as Maryanne experienced?
Maybe it wasn’t worth the risk. Maybe setting up an adoption with a good family before the baby was even born would be the best thing for everyone involved.
Jack would be devastated, she knew. He would never forgive her for ruining his chance to have the dream family he’d always wanted. But, Amy reminded herself, that dream was unrealistic anyway. It didn’t include her job taking her out of the country or him being away on the rodeo circuit for months at a time. What he had was a vague wish that couldn’t possibly match up with the reality of their lives.
Perhaps it was better to hurt him with the truth now.
Amy shook her head in exasperation. She didn’t know what to do and it frustrated her to no end. Before she’d come back to Spring Valley, life was simple. Even if she didn’t know where she was going to be in two weeks, she didn’t worry about it. Now she was panicking over events that wouldn’t occur for eight months or more.
Amy sighed and finally climbed out of the car, walking mechanically toward the hotel elevators.
When she arrived back at their room, Ma looked uncharacteristically nervous. “How did it go?” she asked, almost timidly.
Amy shook her head, unable to explain.
Ma said nothing, just walked toward her adopted daughter and pulled her into a tight hug. Amy hugged her back, all her panic and worries crashing on her like waves at the beach, one right after the other. In a whisper, she said, “Thank you, Ma. For giving me a home and a family.”
Ma hugged her with all her might.
* * *
JACK WAITED IMPATIENTLY with his phone to his ear, wanting so badly to hear Amy’s voice on the other end. After the day he’d had with Sam, he needed a bit of a pick-me-up, and this phone call was sure to be that if it went the way he expected.
“Jack,” she said, her voice almost a sigh.
“Hey Ames,” he answered, feeling suddenly relaxed, at ease. He loved the sound of her voice.
“How’s Wyoming?” she asked.
“It’s great,” he told her, trying to put enthusiasm into his voice.
He had already decided not to tell her about Sam’s difficult personality. It was something he would no doubt get used to after a couple weeks, and she was already worried enough without his adding more to the pile. His job at the moment was all about easing her doubts, not adding to them.
And he was bursting with news on that front. “Amy, I found us a house,” he blurted out, excited to share the news.
“A house?” she said, sounding unsure.
He’d known she would react like that—after all, they’d never talked about a house before. He launched into an explanation. “Well, a neighborhood, really,” he said. “I don’t have the money right now, but once the ranch sells and I make a couple big purses we’ll have enough for a down payment. We’ll need to rent until then.”
He waited for a reaction, but there was only silence from the other end of the line, so he continued, “It’s in the suburbs of Cheyenne, near to Sam’s ranch. The whole area is filled with three-bedroom tract homes, just the thing we’ll need for a family.”
He smiled to himself, sure he’d just eliminated so many of their problems. With a home all their own, Amy and the baby would be settled and comfortable while he was on the circuit, and he’d have a place to come back to. They could start living the life they needed to live.
Amy finally spoke, her voice hesitant. “I thought you wanted to save the ranch and put all your money toward the rodeo school,” she said.
Jack grimaced. “I hate giving up the ranch, but it’s the only way I can get enough money together for the baby.”
He could tell she was dwelling on the loss of the rodeo school, and it was starting to dampen his spirits. He wanted her to be excited about all this.
“How about you come out here with me after Brock and Cassie’s wedding? You can look at the houses firsthand, and if the ranch gets an offer by then, maybe we’ll be able to make one of our own,” he told her.
“I’m going to Thailand after the wedding. My flight’s a couple days later. I won’t have time to go to Wyoming,” Amy told him.
Jack knitted his brows. “Is your ticket nonrefundable? If you call the airline and tell them you’re pregnant, maybe they’ll waive the cancelation fees.”
“No, I have trip cancelation insurance. I wasn’t planning on canceling it.”
“You weren’t?” Jack asked, genuinely surprised. “But you’re pregnant. Don’t you need to stay home and go to doctor’s appointments, relax, that sort of thing? Aren’t you worried about going to Thailand and catching some kind of bug that might affect the baby?”
Jack was incredulous. It was as if Amy didn’t understand that everything had changed.
“So I’m supposed to turn my entire life upside down because I miraculously got pregnant a couple weeks ago?” she asked, sounding angry.
Jack wished they were having this conversation in person instead of over the phone. He would be able to explain it so much better in person. “Well...yeah,” he said as calmly as he could. “This is our family, Ames.” He willed her to understand how important this was.
“I need to go pack for my flight” was all she said in response.
Before he could say anything else, she was gone. He briefly considered calling her back. But what would he say? It was best to let her calm down and see reason, and when he was back in Spring Valley the day after tomorrow, they could talk about it again. She’d have a clearer head by then.
* * *
AMY STARED AT the phone, shaking her head. How could Jack sacrifice so much, his ranch and home and dreams, for a tiny little baby who wasn’t even born yet?
Was she the one who was being ridiculous in this situation?
It bothered her to think that might be true. Her conversation with Jack seemed to be one more example that she was too much like
her biological mother.
But maybe she could fake it. Go to Wyoming and live in a nice house in the suburbs. Do all the mom things. And maybe someday she’d find a way to be happy living that life.
Really, what were her alternatives?
After sitting and thinking for a long time, Amy opened up her laptop and looked up her airline ticket to Thailand. After only a last brief hesitation, she moved her cursor over the words “Change/Cancel Reservation” and clicked.
Chapter Eleven
The moment Amy stepped out of Pop’s truck back at the ranch, she made a beeline for the neighboring house. She knocked on the large wood door, praying Cassie would be the one to open it. She loved Brock, but didn’t think she could face her big brother right now.
To Amy’s relief, her sister-in-law opened the door, took one look at Amy, and folded her into a hug. It was exactly what Amy needed, and she grasped onto Cassie with all her might. When they finally let go, Cassie led Amy inside the door and shut it. “Do you need a doctor’s office or a sister’s shoulder?” she asked.
Amy laughed a little. “Sister, though I do feel like I’m going to throw up.”
Cassie nodded and rushed off for a moment, asking her to wait there. Seconds later, Amy could hear Brock and the twins leaving the house through the back door in a noisy storm of boots and voices. Then Cassie was back, ushering Amy into the kitchen. “I sent the boys out for a while so we could have our privacy. Something to drink?” she asked, moving to the cupboard.
Amy shook her head, but Cassie was already pouring hot water into a mug. Soon Amy had a cup of tea on the kitchen table in front of her, and she grabbed it with both hands, as if the heat could rid her of some of her swirling emotions. “It’s ginger tea,” Cassie said, “so it should help with the nausea.”
Amy nodded her thanks and took a sip. “I’d prefer a rum and Coke, but considering the situation, this is perfect. Thank you.”
Cassie sat down across from Amy with her own cup and waited quietly while Amy drank another sip of tea. “Did something happen at your sister’s?” Cassie asked when Amy put the cup down.
Amy shrugged. She didn’t want to get too much into what she had learned about her biological mother. “I came over to tell you I won’t be at your wedding. I’m so, so sorry, Cassie.”
Cassie looked stricken, and Amy flushed with embarrassment. “You won’t be there?” Cassie asked, sounding so upset that Amy had to bite her lip to keep from crying.
“I changed my flight to Thailand. I’m leaving first thing in the morning. I just need to get out of the country,” she said.
“Before Jack gets back from Wyoming,” Cassie said, a statement rather than a question.
If Amy hadn’t already been blushing, she would have done so now. She felt the heat emanating from her face. “If I see him, I’ll cave,” she whispered.
She knew she would, too. She’d never be able to hold out against his determination to do what he thought was best for her and the baby. He would convince her to move to Wyoming and then what? She’d spent the last decade making a life for herself, and then she’d just throw it away. And if she regretted it in one or two or five years, what would she do then?
No, she needed to leave again. Jack would be able to pursue his dreams and she... Well, she’d need to figure out what she was going to do next.
“I wish you wouldn’t go,” Cassie said, breaking into Amy’s thoughts.
Amy stood. She needed to get to her room, where she could lie on the bed and privately cry for all she was leaving behind. Even though she felt this was the better choice for both Jack and herself, the thought of giving up her chance with Jack was killing her.
Ma’s reaction hadn’t helped any, either. The older woman was devastated. Amy couldn’t bring herself to explain why, not when she was still so confused about what to do with this pregnancy and everything. She wanted to curl up like a child in Ma’s arms and hear her comforting words, but she and Pop had gone out to dinner, most likely as a chance for him to talk her out of her depression at their daughter’s sudden decision to leave without warning.
Once Amy left Cassie’s house, giving her sister one last hug and trying not to notice the tears in the other woman’s eyes, she went home and curled up in her bed, alone. It was only then that she let herself cry. She cried for the future she and Jack could have, the poor baby that didn’t ask for any of this, and a dozen other things. She fell asleep with tears on her eyelashes.
On the airplane the next morning, there were no more tears, but Amy still felt raw and tired. She tried to blame it on the pregnancy, but she knew it was more about the decision she’d made. She told herself over and over that if she wanted Jack to pursue his dream instead of settling for a house in the suburbs, she needed to force his hand the only way she knew how. As much as it killed her, they couldn’t stay together and both be happy, so it was up to her to keep them apart.
Even so, she felt incredibly selfish. Whatever she said, she knew that she was leaving mostly because of her own fear, her own desire to keep the life she knew and loved.
Amy willed the plane to move faster, to get her to Thailand. Maybe if she was far enough away and surrounded by a world different enough from her own, she’d be able to forget the way Jack’s cornflower blue eyes sparkled when he smiled at her.
* * *
JACK AWOKE WITH a warm feeling of expectation running through him. Soon it would be time to catch his flight, and then he’d be in Spring Valley, where Amy was waiting for him. Even though their last phone conversation hadn’t gone the way he’d wanted, Jack knew that a good talk in person would sort everything out, and before too much longer, they would be moving into a house together in Cheyenne, settling down and preparing for the arrival of the baby.
The image brought a smile to Jack’s face, and he let himself enjoy it for a few more moments before getting up and packing his things that he’d scattered around the tiny room where he’d been staying the past few days.
Normally he was a somewhat tidy person, but the rigor and demands of working with Sam Evans, along with spending every spare moment searching around the area for a decent place to rent and various other details that came with moving to a new place, had made him careless, and things were scattered everywhere.
He was relieved to be leaving Wyoming, not just because he was excited to see Amy and his home, but also because he was ready for a break from Sam. The man had only gotten more harsh and constantly critical once they’d agreed to be partners, and working with him was more difficult than Jack had imagined. He was sure they’d settle into each other’s personalities eventually, and once they won a few purses together, Sam would probably calm down a bit.
Jack looked around the room, ensuring he hadn’t missed anything, then checked the time on his phone. He still had a few minutes before he needed to leave, so he sat to glance through his email. One message caught his eye first. Something from Amy. He opened it.
I’m going to Thailand, Jack. My flight leaves at 6am, so I’ll be gone before you get back to Texas. I need some time away. I want you to have your rodeo school and your dream, and I don’t think that’s possible with me in your life.
I’m sorry.
That was it. Jack couldn’t believe it. It was past seven already, but he called her phone anyway, just in case this was some kind of a mistake.
No answer. She’d really left him again. Jack slumped forward, not sure what to do next.
After a two-hour flight that seemed to take forever, Jack went straight to Amy’s parents’ house. He refused to believe she had really gone until he saw proof for himself.
As soon as Amy’s mother opened the door, though, he knew it was true. The woman looked so crestfallen that she didn’t need to say anything. “She really left,” he said, mostly speaking to himself.
The woman nodded. “Would you like to come in, Jack?”
she said, her voice soft and sounding as though she had a cold.
Jack shook his head. He needed to be alone, away from everything that screamed out Amy’s absence. He got back into his truck and drove away, hoping a long drive would soothe his anger and sadness, but even his truck smelled faintly of her. Soon he was walking along a dirt road, trying to get as far from Amy as he could.
Like a ghost, she followed him.
Jack sat in the dirt, unable to go any farther. She’d run away from him again, just as he’d feared she would. And now he didn’t know what to do. He was sure he couldn’t just forget about her, or about the baby that he planned to raise, but what could he do? He couldn’t force her to allow him into her life.
Finally he drove home. He didn’t know what he would do there that could keep his mind off all this, but he hoped to find something better than just sitting around thinking.
As soon as he walked in the door, though, it became clear he wasn’t going to be done with the topic anytime soon. His mom was sitting in the front room, and it was clear she’d been waiting for him.
“I’m guessing you heard,” he said, sitting down heavily on the couch.
She leaned toward him. “I spoke to her mother today. I know this must be very difficult for you, Jack.”
Jack shrugged. He didn’t want to talk about it. Of course it was difficult. He felt abandoned. Rejected. Betrayed.
Again.
“I know there’s nothing I can do to help,” his mother continued, “But I hope you can find some way to move past this. You deserve someone who won’t run away from you when things get difficult, and I know she’s out there somewhere.”
With that, she patted his knee and stood, leaving him to his thoughts. After a few minutes, Jack stood and stalked to his room, his bewilderment and pain turning into anger. He walked directly over to his bedside table, grabbed the ring box sitting on top of it and dropped it back into the back of the drawer where he’d found it, shutting the drawer so hard that the lamp on top nearly toppled off.