Back to Reality

by Danielle Allen

  “I have something to tell you,” Ben announced as he pushed himself away from the bar.

  Tucking my clutch under my arm, I clasped my hands in front of me and eyed him quizzically. “Okay.” I dragged the word out slowly.

  “I’m just going to say it.” He paused and I waited.

  “What are you waiting for?” I chided him, putting my hand on my hip. Suddenly, I was seized with panic. He’s not going to tell me he’s in love with me is he? Please don’t say that. Please don’t be interested in me at all, I begged silently as the blood drained from my face. My stomach churned nervously as we stared at each other.

  He broke eye contact briefly and cleared his throat. “I just want you to hear me out.”

  My eyes started stinging as everything in my being told me I was about to lose the first real friend of my adult life. “What?” I demanded softly.

  Ben swallowed and I watched his Adam’s apple. Why is he so nervous? I thought as the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

  “Ben! Ben!” A baritone voice boomed from across the room. Following the voice, I turned my head to the right and laid eyes on an older version of Ben. As he got closer, it became more apparent that the man was Ben’s father. Same smooth brown skin, same easy smile, same bright eyes, and same muscular build. The only difference was the hair. The man I assumed was Ben’s father had grey sprinkled through his dark hair. And his salt-and-pepper goatee gave him a distinguished appearance. I couldn’t help but be amused as the man bopped over with an animated bounce. Stopping in front of me, he gave an over the top gasp, “Who is this beautiful young lady?” His accent was just as alluring as his son’s.

  “Father, this is Sahara. Sahara, this is my father, Dr. Edward Sullivan,” Ben offered, his voice strained. I stuck out my hand and Dr. Sullivan kissed it.

  “Well aren’t you lovely!” Dr. Sullivan exclaimed. “It is my pleasure.”

  Entertained by his charm, I gave him a genuine smile before I responded, “Thank you. It’s very nice to meet you Dr. Sullivan.”

  “What are you doing here?” Ben asked as his father leaned over the bar and ordered a scotch on the rocks.

  “Is my son treating you right?” Dr. Sullivan asked, ignoring his son. He chuckled seeing our puzzled faces.

  “Father, we are not dating. We are friends. Friends,” Ben emphasized the last word with a fierceness that even made me furrow my brows.

  “We are not romantically involved,” I reiterated in a kinder, gentler tone while shooting a grimace at Ben. My scolding look went unnoticed. Glancing from the two men who were eyeing each other, I grew increasingly uncomfortable. There’s some pent up hostility here, I thought as I assessed the situation. I’ve never seen Ben mad. He’s always so laid back and hilariously snarky.

  After an awkward silence, Ben muttered, “We are going to check out the exhibit.” He tugged at my elbow impatiently.

  “Have you seen your mother tonight?” Dr. Sullivan inquired in a tone that was almost threatening. Ben’s eyes bulged fractionally.

  I knew it was rude for me to remain standing in the midst of their conversation; however, I couldn’t tear myself away. Something rooted my Louboutins in place even though I willed myself to go to the restroom. Ben talks a lot in an effort to get me to talk and he mentions his parents often. When he talks about them, he never seems angry toward them. He’s never said anything that would allude to…whatever this is, I mused.

  “No. Why are you two even here?” Ben spat out rudely. “You never come to things like this.”

  “I’m here to support my nephew,” Dr. Sullivan said smoothly with a smile.

  Dr. Sullivan’s lack of reaction seemed to make Ben more frustrated. “I’m sure E appreciates your condescending appearance here tonight,” Ben sarcastically replied. “Look, Sahara and I are going to check out the exhibits. I actually care about my cousin’s work here.”

  “We need to talk before you leave Benjamin.”

  “Now is not the time to talk about it, Father. Sahara, let’s go.”

  I smiled awkwardly at Dr. Sullivan before Ben grabbed my elbow and pulled me away. I took quick steps behind him in an effort to keep up with his long strides. Once we got to the far end of the building, I snatched my arm away from him.

  “What the hell was that Ben?” I grumbled as I rubbed my elbow.

  Seeming to snap out of his anger, Ben’s face fell immediately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t hurt you did I? I’m sorry.” He reached out to rub my elbow, but I backed away from him.

  “I’m not talking about my elbow, Ben. I’m talking about the way you were talking to your dad! What the hell was that about?” I snapped. “What’s wrong?”

  Taking a deep breath, he said, “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just check out the art and go.”

  “If I’m going to be running into your parents again tonight, you need to tell me something. That was extremely awkward!” I crossed my arms over my chest and studied his face. He looked a lot less angry, but just as tense as before.

  Ben folded his arms over his chest and smirked, “So you want to know what’s going on, do you?”

  “Yes!” I said in exasperation. I tossed my free hand up in the air to accentuate my point.

  “Why the bloody hell would I tell you what’s going on with me and you won’t even tell me why you’ve been missing in action?” He raised his eyebrows in his usual know-it-all way.

  We stared at each other for thirty long seconds before my lip twitched first. Damn him! I thought trying to fight my amusement. Like Emily, Ben always calls me out on my shit. His smile played at the corner of his lips before we both smiled. “Fine. I’ve been missing in action because I broke the hearts of the only two men I’ve ever loved…” I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. “I messed up. Beyond repair. Now you—spill it!”

  His smile faltered, “I got into a really big fight with my family over ethics. Anyway, long story short, you know I’m a researcher but I don’t think I told you about the promotion I’m up for. In order to be promoted, I need to publish my work. I’ve been doing research on therapeutic practices.”

  He cleared his throat before he continued, “And now that we have a moment, I want to finish telling you about—”

  “Ben! E’s been looking everywhere for you,” a voice broke through our conversation.

  Shifting his eyes away from me and over my shoulder, I considered walking away without even turning around. I am not ready for another awkward run in with his family, I thought as I watched as Ben smiled but his body remained tense. I sighed and started to walk away when I heard my name.

  “Sahara, this is my cousin’s girlfriend, Natalia. Natalia, this is my friend Sahara.”

  I turned around and came face to face with a cute blonde with a curly, pixie cut. She looked friendly and it was refreshing to see a friendly face after the face-off between Ben and Dr. Sullivan. “Hi, how are you?” I reached my hand out to the woman.

  “Hi!” Natalia screeched. “I’m great! Thank you so much for coming! There are so many people here! Ahhh!” Her excited scream made me smile harder and her enthusiasm was infectious.

  “This is Natalia and E’s show tonight. They are the artists behind all of this.” Ben gestured around the room.

  “Well I’m excited to look around! From what I’ve seen so far, it looks great Natalia.”

  “Thank you so much,” she enthused, enveloping me into a hug.

  “Oh!” I gasped as she squeezed me quickly and then moved on to hug Ben.

  “Ben, E is looking for you. He had a run in with his aunt and uncle… Can you please talk to him? He went into the restroom and obviously I can’t go in! I mean, I will if you won’t but please!” Natalia begged, clasping her hands together and shaking them dramatically.

  Ben looked at me and I nodded, “I’ll be fine. Go! Take care of your cousin.”

  Ben gave me a side hug and promised, “I’ll be right back.”

  Natalia and Ben walked tow
ard the men’s restroom on the other side of the room. I walked to the first exhibit area and ran into a couple of coworkers. After enduring small talk, I quickly excused myself. I can barely take my new friendship with Ben. I am not ready to chitchat with coworkers. I’m not there yet, I thought ruefully as I rushed to the next exhibit area.

  I started taking in the art. The work was good. Really good, I thought as I found myself getting lost in the art as I slowly moved around the room. Vibrant colors leaped off of the canvases. Each piece played with texture and color in a way that made me forget everything that had been plaguing me. All of my thoughts evaporated and I let the beauty in the artwork shed light on the cracks in my heart.

  “This is a beautiful piece isn’t it?” Dr. Sullivan observed from beside me.

  I jumped at the sound of his voice. “Oh! Dr. Sullivan!” I gasped. “You startled me. Yes, it’s beautiful. The way the green pops off of the canvas and swirls with the red and black. You can see the jealousy and anger represented.”

  “Call me James,” Dr. Sullivan replied stroking his chin. He turned away from the painting to look at me. “Listen Sahara… I want to apologize for earlier. My wife and I are in the midst of a disagreement with Benjamin.”

  Yeah, I gathered as much, I thought as I offered a tight smile. I don’t know what he wants me to say.

  Dr. Edward Sullivan continued, “I’m going to advise you to keep your distance from him. I don’t want you getting hurt due to his reckless actions.”

  I felt my eyebrows come together as I reflected on his warning. What is really going on? First Ben starts acting weird and now this warning. This night is turning out to be exactly the opposite of what I needed, I thought as I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled deeply.

  “Dr. Sullivan—” I began.

  “James,” Dr. Sullivan interrupted before taking a sip of his cocktail.

  “James, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Ben and I are just friends. Nothing more.” I shook my head to emphasize my point.

  Giving me a stern look, Dr. Sullivan said, “Sahara. Please take my advice. You shouldn’t be here. Trust me.”

  We stood staring at each other for a moment. I waited for him to continue. I waited for him to give me a reason. I waited for some sort of explanation. But he gave me nothing.

  Feeling the heat warm my skin in embarrassment, I squared my shoulders and forced a polite smile. “Thank you. Have a good night.”

  “Sahara, this is for your own good.”

  Who does he think he is? I thought as I took in his fatherly tone that was tinged with condescension and a hardness that indicated that he was used to getting his way. The level of discomfort I felt had reached an unbearable level as he looked at me as he sipped his beverage. Keeping the forced smile in place, I responded, “Please let Ben know that I took a taxi.”

  I turned on my heel and scurried through the crowded space. As quickly as possible, I exited the art show and flagged down a taxi. As I sat in the back seat, I slipped in my earbuds and got lost in my thoughts. That was embarrassing and uncomfortable! I groaned internally as I shut my eyes tightly. Borderline unbearable! Why would Ben put me in that situation? And what is really going on with him? He was acting weird from the time we arrived. I haven’t known him for long but I know weird when I see it. And his father? What was going on with that? Ben and his father seemed to have a contemptuous relationship but I never would’ve gathered that from talking to Ben. And why would Dr. Sullivan warn me against Ben? My father would’ve never done anything like that! He wouldn’t have ever made me or my friends feel uncomfortable! But then again, my dad was the best. Mr. Mills would’ve never done anything like that either. He too is a good father. I bet Emanuel will— No, don’t go there, I chastised myself as I shook my head and skipped to the next song on my playlist.

  The drive didn’t seem to take as long as I zoned out to the music. Within thirty minutes, I was in my apartment slipping off my shoes and opening a bottle of wine. Deciding that the only way to salvage the night was through chocolate, I pulled out the ingredients to make a chocolate cake. After I drowned my glass, I decided I needed music. Walking to the living room, I connected my iPod to the docking station.

  When ‘Bitter’ thrummed through the open floor plan of the apartment, my finger hovered over the skip button. Taking a deep breath, I put my hand back down and let the song play. Standing in the soft glow of the floor lamps in the living room, I let the truth of the song rain down on me. The truth in the lyrics filled me with an emotional turmoil I wasn’t ready for; however, I knew I deserved. They knew better than to get involved with me. I knew better than to let them get involved with me. I ruin everything. I broke my own heart by breaking the hearts of two of the best men I’ve ever known. I hurt Ty to the point that he never even responded to my letter from three weeks ago. And I hurt Emanuel and abandoned him in a time when he really needed me. Why do I keep doing this? I thought, sinking deeper into the ever present sadness and loneliness of my life. My eyes watered and I shook it off.

  I really need to focus on something else. Anything else. Oh Ben! What is up with his dad? What is up with him? I need answers, I pondered to myself as I made my way back to the kitchen. Pouring more wine into my glass, my thoughts were interrupted by a loud buzz.

  “Hello?” I answered into the intercom after scurrying to across the room to it.

  I heard giggling. “Yes. Hi Ms. Lee. This is Sarah Meister with security. You have a visitor—”

  “Send him up,” I interrupted hastily. Well now that Ben’s here, he can answer my questions live and in person, I thought with satisfaction as I poured another glass of wine. And maybe I won’t have that dream again tonight.

  “Fake it ‘til you make it,” I toasted myself as I heard a knock at the door. Putting the milk and eggs back in the refrigerator, I took my time walking to the door. The second series of knocks caused me to roll my eyes in annoyance. Don’t ask me to be your wing woman at an event and subject me to the antics of Dr. Edward Sullivan and then rush me to the door, I thought as I turned off the music.

  Swinging the door open, I froze. Instantly my heart tripled in speed. Wine sloshed over the rim of the glass as my arms went slack. My mouth dropped open in a mix of shock and awe.

  Chapter 19

  “Ty,” I breathed, wide eyed with shock as I took him in.

  “Can I come in?” His question was more of a formality as he brushed past me into my apartment. The spot on my arm where his suit jacket grazed my skin felt like I’d been sliced open with a sharp knife. Dumbfounded, I stared after him as he made his way further into the living room. Unbuttoning his jacket, he reached into an inside pocket and pulled out papers. I couldn’t help but notice how he looked like he belonged as he stalked across the room with long strides. Recognizing the stationary with my return address on the front, I snapped out of the daze I was in and closed the front door.

  Standing at the threshold of the living room, I nervously shifted my weight from one foot to the other. Still reeling from the fact that he was in my apartment, I was at a loss for words. All reasonable thought escaped me. All I could do was stare blankly at him. As the seconds ticked by, my anxiety grew.

  He assessed me carefully before he spoke. “Is this true?” His voice was even, yet tired.

  I looked at the papers he was fisting. I don’t know what he’s specifically referring to, but everything I wrote was honest, I thought as I nodded.

  “All of it?” he asked.

  What is he getting at? Did something else happen, I wondered as I nodded again.

  He took a deep, seething breath. Through gritted teeth he said, “Bennett told you that I didn’t want to see you. He told you I didn’t want to talk to you.”

  “Yes,” I answered slowly, not sure if those were questions or statements.

  He didn’t say anything so I continued, “And I’m sorry I showed up at your job unexpectedly. It was unprofessional and I�
��m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to talk face to face. I mean, I needed to apologize face to face.”

  He looked down at the letter and turned to the next page. Feeling compelled to explain myself, I started talking more rapidly. “He told me about the other women and that you were done with me. And it hurt, but I understood. I didn’t put that in the letter to deflect blame. I just wanted you to know that I knew and that I understood. The whole point of the letter was to let you know how truly sorry I am for…everything. I was wrong. I was so wrong and I’m so sorry.”

  He sat down on the edge of the couch and looked down at the slightly wrinkled papers in his hands. His elbows were resting on his knees as he studied the words I wrote. Dropping his chin to his chest, he rubbed his hand down his handsome face twice. The silence stretched between us.

  “I’m going to kill him,” Tyree roared standing up abruptly. His outburst was so unexpected that I flinched. “I’m going to fucking kill him!”

  What is going on? Is he mad that Bennett told me about the women? I thought, taking several steps away from him as confusion overwhelmed my senses. I wasn’t scared of him, but I’d never seen him so angry.

  He seemed to remember where he was and he looked over at me and asked, “You’re telling me that you were at the hospital all week and he wouldn’t let you see me? And you called?”

  His eyes flashed with anger and I was starting to put the pieces together. He didn’t know? He didn’t know, I realized with my mouth slightly agape.

  “You didn’t know?” I marveled quietly, my eyes wide.

  “Bennett had my phone because he was handling the critical stuff that needed to be taken care of for my businesses. I didn’t know you were calling. I didn’t know you were at the hospital.” He held the letter up in one clenched fist and rubbed the back of his neck with the other hand. “I didn’t know anything until I read this today.”

  I should’ve known Bennett was lying. I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve done more, I thought in angry frustration. The sadness in his eyes washed over me and all I wanted to do was go to him. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I feared the rejection.