“Um, he sort of rode his bike, I guess?”
“He what?”
I cringed. “I know, I know. When I found out you had no idea he was here, I told him I had to call you.”
Mrs. Rossi released a long breath. When she spoke again, she seemed to have regained her composure. “Can I speak with him, please?”
I turned to take the phone into the living room to Billy, but instead found him hovering in the doorway. I handed him the phone and gave him a reassuring smile.
He took the phone and dropped his gaze to his shoes. “Hi, Mom.”
I expected to hear a litany of incomprehensible screeches through the receiver, but none came. Whatever she was saying, she was calm.
She must be one hell of a woman.
I went to the refrigerator, taking my time pulling out a bottle of water to give the illusion that I was busy and not eavesdropping. But when someone is having a conversation in the same room, it’s pretty hard not to.
Not that there was all that much to listen in on. Billy’s mom did most of the talking, with Billy replying in mumbled yeses and nos.
He appeared at my elbow a few moments later with the phone extended. “She wants to talk to you again.”
“Oh, okay,” I said. Was this it? Was I about to be asked to take my—to take Billy home already? Maybe with traffic it would take longer. I lifted the phone to my ear. “Hi.”
“Hi.” Mrs. Rossi cleared her throat. “I know he’s probably right in front of you, so please be careful how you answer. But please answer honestly.”
I frowned. What the hell was she about to say? “Okay.”
“First of all—are you okay with this?”
“Oh, um…”
“And by this, let me blunt here, Cassidy. Are you okay with my son being in your life? Because this isn’t about right now, today. This is about the rest of his life. Billy doesn’t do anything on a whim. He plans, he considers and he makes decisions. However he has found out…he hasn’t just jumped on his bike to meet you. It’s something he has thought about.”
“I understand.”
“Which means that he wants to know you. But, if you don’t want to know him… If this isn’t something you’re ready for, I need to know now. Not in a few weeks or months. You’re in now, or you’re not until Billy tries again. If he ever does. I know this is so much to spring on you, but I have to think about Billy here. So, do you want him in your life?”
“What about—?”
“This isn’t about me and my husband,” she said softly. “This is about you and Billy. We’ve always known this day was coming, Cassidy. We told you the day he was born that we would never keep him from you, and that hasn’t changed. I won’t deny that it won’t be hard…for everyone. But at this moment, it’s all down to you.”
I looked at the floor. My head swam with her words, with a thousand thoughts all crashing together until I couldn’t tell which way was up.
“I know you’re on the spot. But for whatever it’s worth…he’s a really great kid.” Mrs. Rossi’s voice wavered on the last word. However hard this was for me, it had to be a million times worse for her. Even more so that she hadn’t seen this coming.
None of us had.
Except Billy.
And he was here now. Right now. Standing in front of me, real and whole and…because of me. Because he wanted to know me, and because of a choice I’d made twelve years ago that was impacting all us, our present and our future.
“So. Would you like me to come pick him up?”
I looked at Billy then. Billy with his hair the same shade as my dad’s, his eyes just like mine. The smattering of freckles across his nose that covered my own whenever I was in the sun too long. And suddenly it was like seeing him superimposed over that day in the hospital. Billy then and Billy now. Billy then had left with his parents and I had tried to pick myself up and heal.
It was only now that I realized how naively stupid that had been. I had never healed—not completely, anyway.
But Billy was here now—right now. And I had the chance to not let him walk out of the door with someone else.
“No,” I breathed.
“Okay,” Mrs. Rossi said. “Then I’m leaving the ball in your court. You guys take however long you need. And I’m here if you need me.”
I nodded.
“Take care of him, Cassidy,” she said.
“I will.”
The line disconnected.
“Are you taking me home?” Billy asked.
“Not right now.” I placed the phone on the counter. “I think we should talk. Is that okay?”
Billy nodded. “I figured you’d want to know stuff.”
“Let me say one thing first, okay? I don’t want to know anything you don’t want to tell me. I’m not going to pry and ask stuff that will make you uncomfortable. But I do have to ask some things. Things your mom will probably demand you tell her when you get home anyway.”
He nodded again.
“Let’s go sit, then.”
Billy followed me into the living room. He sat beside me on the couch, leaving a huge space between us.
I curled my legs underneath me. “So how did you find out?”
“I found my birth certificate.”
Oh. Well, that was a whole lot less complicated and dramatic than I’d expected. I’d thought he’d been a junior detective, narrowing down details and hunting through files. Maybe a biology class had left some questions about his genetics. I clearly watched too much TV.
“We were doing this history project and had to trace our relatives back as far as we could. I was in my dad’s study and there it was. My birth certificate. It had your name on it, not my parents’.”
“That must have been a shock.”
He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I guess so. Mostly it just made me wonder stuff.”
“You can ask me anything, Billy. I swear that I will never lie to you. You might not like the answers, but I’ll never keep them from you.” Full disclosure. It was the least I could do for him.
Billy didn’t say anything right away. When he did, he kept his eyes fixed on the blank TV screen. “Why didn’t you want me?”
It was exactly the question I would have asked. Straight to the point, no messing around. “It was never a question of not wanting you. I was fifteen. I wanted more for you than I would have been able to give.”
“Other people do it.”
“Other people do. And that’s their choice.” I itched to reach out and touch him, to ground us, to prove that we were actually here, in this moment. “You might not like my choice, Billy. But you do have to accept that I made it. There isn’t anything any of us can do about that.”
“Did you ever think about me?” he asked quietly.
A hard lump formed in my throat. “Every day.”
Billy lifted his feet to the couch and wrapped his arms around his knees. “Did you ever regret it? Giving me up?”
I’d promised him I wouldn’t lie. I’d made that promise. As hard as it was to tell the truth, I couldn’t very well break my first promise to him. “No,” I whispered.
He made a quiet noise and his cheeks reddened.
“Billy,” I said, extending my hand to him.
He jerked away and jammed his fists to his eyes. Billy’s shoulders trembled and my heart cracked.
I moved to crouch in front of him. “Billy.”
Like I’d expected, he ignored me.
Rising up on my knees, I clasped his wrists and gently pried them away from his face. His gaze met mine, his eyes rimmed red and thick, damp lashes framing them. “I need you to listen to me very carefully, okay?”
He nodded.
“I never regretted my decision because I knew that your parents would give you an amazing life. I knew them for maybe four months. I spent time with them, saw their home, where you would live. They were—are—incredible people. They would give you everything I couldn’t. And for that, I never regretted gi
ving you to them.”
I swiped away a tear that had escaped and was running down my cheek. Raw emotion poured through my veins. “But I always wondered what it would have been like if I’d kept you. Whether I would have stepped up and become a good mom. Or if the stigma of having a teenage mother would have followed you around. Would I have gone back to school? Got a job waitressing just to pay the bills? Would I have been able to send you to college? Would we have been happy anyway? I’ll never know the answers to those questions. But I have always wondered.”
Billy wiped his face with the bottom of his T-shirt. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Don’t be sorry for asking for answers.”
“Please don’t tell my mom I cried.”
“Only if you don’t tell Seth I did. He thinks I’m a badass.”
Billy hiccupped a laugh and flashed me a full, honest smile. “Deal.”
Chapter Five
I snuck glances at Billy out of the corner of my eye. After we’d both recovered from our embarrassment at the blatant display of emotion, we fell into somewhat comfortable conversation. But the hours were slipping away like sand through my fingertips and I wanted to somehow slow the world.
My phone buzzed on the arm of the couch. A message from Seth lit up the screen.
How’s it going? Is he still there? Have you had dinner?
No dinner… Should I ask him? I replied.
“Am I bugging you?” Billy asked, looking at me with a frankness that I was beginning to recognize.
“What? No, of course not.” I held my phone up. “That was just Seth. He was wondering if we’d had dinner.”
“Oh.” Billy’s forehead creased. “I am kind of hungry.”
“Would you…? Would you like to stay for dinner?”
“Can I?”
I smiled, more delighted than he would ever know. “I would love for you to stay.”
“Will he be there?” Billy nodded at my phone.
“Seth? Um, I don’t know.”
“It’s his house too, right? Shouldn’t he be allowed to be here?”
“I guess you’re right. Are you okay with that? I mean, we’re just getting to know each other. I don’t want you to feel like so much is happening all at once.”
Billy looked down and picked at the hem of his T-shirt. “I’ve thought a lot about this. For a while. I never expected it to be just you.”
“Okay,” I said quietly. “Then how about I ask him to bring Chinese food?”
“I like Chinese.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay.”
Seth arrived home about forty minutes later, with three brown bags full of Chinese food. At my expression, he shrugged and mouthed the word panicked.
He had panicked while ordering. Which told me that he had taken Billy into consideration and had worried about ordering something he didn’t like, or not getting the right thing.
I rose up onto my tiptoes and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered.
Seth carried the bags into the living room and set them on the coffee table.
Billy’s eyes widened at the amount of food and he glanced between me and Seth.
“I think Seth is super hungry.”
Billy snorted a laugh.
“Well, dig in, guys,” I said. I knelt on the floor and started opening containers.
For a while we all ate in silence. Billy and Seth observed each other with quiet curiosity. I could practically see the questions forming behind their eyes, but neither seemed able to bring themselves to ask.
Yet.
Seth wasn’t known for his impulse control.
Seth touched his foot to mine. “You should see the back yard. It looks like America barfed all over it.”
At Billy’s frown, I said, “Seth’s brother’s family is throwing a Fourth of July party tomorrow. It’s the first year they’ve hosted, and I think they’ve gone overboard.”
Billy smiled and nodded. “Do they have as big a house as you?”
Seth smothered a laugh and tried to pass it off as a cough. “Blake, my brother, built his own house. And it’s a monster.”
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” I asked Billy. “I bet Henderson has a cool parade and stuff, right?”
Billy lifted one shoulder in a shrug and focused on the food in front of him. “My parents have to work tomorrow. I’m stuck with the neighbor. She doesn’t let me off her front porch.”
“That’s too bad, kid,” Seth murmured.
“Maybe… I could go to your party?” Billy asked, peeking up at me.
I opened my mouth, but no words would come.
“I think that’s really a question for your parents,” Seth said, rescuing me.
“I guess.” Billy sighed. He sat up straighter then, and flicked his gaze between us. “Um, do you want me to go? Have I been here too long?”
“No, no,” I said in a rush. “But, Billy, I think we should all be really careful here. You are welcome in this house for as long as you want to be in it. But you have to remember that just because you’ve been planning on coming here for a while, your parents haven’t. This will be super tough for them. We have to think about them too, okay?”
He nodded. “But, if they say yes, then I can, right?”
I looked at Seth. “Of course you can.”
A grin stretched across Billy’s face. “I’m going to call them right now.” He picked up the cordless phone and padded down the hall, out of sight.
I reached for Seth’s hand, needing his weight and comfort to ground me here. “Please tell me you’re cool with this.”
Seth leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’m way more than cool with this.”
My heart tumbled over itself and I wanted to sink into his arms, have him still my racing mind and help me sort through the cascade of thoughts swirling around up there. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
“Yeah.”
A laugh bubbled in my throat. “Narcissist.”
He chuckled. “Whatever. You love me.”
“Yeah, you’re lucky that I do.”
Billy reentered the room, holding the phone out to me. “She wants to talk to you again.”
I took the phone from him and went into the kitchen.
“Hi,” I said.
“How’s it going over there?” Mrs. Rossi asked.
“Um, well, I think. We’re having dinner right now.”
“So, Billy has asked if he can go to a Fourth of July party with you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, it’s at my brother-in-law’s house, and it will be family and a few friends. But I want you to know that I don’t want to force anything here. I don’t want to put you on the spot or—”
“Cassidy,” Mrs. Rossi said softly. “I’m thrilled he wants to spend time with you. This is all… It’s happening very fast. But if this is too much, too quickly for you… Just tell me and I can rein him in a little.”
“I’m happy to take him to the party, and he is more than welcome here for as long as you’re all comfortable with.”
“I think it’s good for the two of you to spend time together. And I know it’s all so new and exciting… I just want him to be happy, Cassidy.” Mrs. Rossi cleared her throat.
I couldn’t imagine how hard, how painful this must be for her. She was Billy’s mother. She had been there for every single day of his life. Kissed scraped knees and wiped away tears. Had stayed up through sleepless nights with a newborn, rocked him when he was sick, cheered him on at his soccer games. She had been there, every single day.
And now here I was…stomping all over their lives.
Was it wrong of me to crave time with him? Did it make me a huge hypocrite? Because how could someone give up their infant, only to want them around later in life?
I pressed a hand to my forehead and the room spun. “Me, too.”
“Then you and I will be fine. We will all be fine. Okay?”
I felt fifteen years old again. Mrs. Rossi ha
d gone to every doctor’s appointment, every sonogram, held my hand every time I’d needed a blood test. Rooted for me during the most agonizing pain I had ever felt in my entire life. More than that, she’d made sure it was what I wanted. That I’d understood what giving up a child meant.
And had promised the doors would always be open for contact and communication.
Here we were, twelve years later, and the doors were blown wide open.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
In the end, it was decided that Billy could spend the night if he wanted. Then we would go to the party the next afternoon and watch the firework show before Seth and I would take Billy home to Henderson.
Billy jumped at the chance to spend the night, barely letting me get the words out before he accepted.
* * * *
I hovered in the doorway of the guest room. Billy wandered around, stopping at the nightstand and picking up the remote.
“You can watch TV if you want. I know it’s weird being in a strange house. If you can’t sleep you can watch TV. If you want. And you know where the kitchen is, so just help yourself. To anything.”
Billy nodded.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, stepping inside. The excitement seemed to have vanished, and in place was a quiet, uncertain boy. “I can drive you home if you want. There’s no pressure here.”
He shook his head. “No, it’s not that. I just…I still have questions.”
“I think you’ll have questions for years. But you know I can’t give you answers unless you ask, right?”
“Can I…? Can I ask about my dad?” Billy fidgeted with his hands.
“You can ask me anything.” I gestured to the bed and Billy and I sat side by side. “But there isn’t really much I can tell you.”
“Do you still see him?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t seen him since I was fifteen. When I found out I was pregnant, Zack—your biological father—didn’t… Well, he knew he wasn’t ready to be a dad. He finished the school year and never came back. I heard he transferred out of state.”
“Has he ever called you?”
“No,” I answered softly. “Billy… I can’t tell you not to reach out to him. I have no idea who he is now, where he is. He could be a totally different person than he was twelve years ago.”
Secrets, Lies & Fireworks (Beautiful Saviors Book 1) Page 4