Billy was quiet for a few moments. “What do you think he’s like?”
“I really can’t answer that.”
“Are you mad at him? For what happened?”
“I used to be.”
“But not anymore?”
“I find it hard to be mad at children forced to make an adult decision,” I said eventually. “Zack and I were so young. He was older than me…but still too young. And, like I said, he could be a different person now.”
“If I wanted to see him, would you go with me?”
“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.” I folded my hands together. “His feelings toward me could get muddled with his feelings toward you. If you decide to look him up, I think coming at him from a neutral vantage point would be better.”
Billy released a soft laugh. “You think really weird.”
“That’s what Seth tells me. A lot,” I drawled.
“Seth—does he mind me being here?”
I smiled at him. “Seth is really happy you’re here.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because Seth tells it like it is. If he had a problem, anyone on a space station would know.”
He laughed again. “Okay.”
“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll leave you to it, then.”
Billy nodded.
I paused in the doorway, but Billy was already flicking through the TV channels. Man, kids are strong, resilient little things. One minute we’d been having a totally in-depth, heavy conversation, the next he was ready to watch a movie.
Weird.
And kind of cool.
I’d kill to have that kind of compartmentalization.
Seth was resting against the counter in the kitchen when I found him. I walked to him, and he wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders and pulled me into the comforting heat of his body.
“Where’s your head at?” he murmured.
I snorted. “Hell if I know. I think my head took off a while ago. Is this really happening right now?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
“I’m still stunned. Like someone hit me with a Taser on full power. Several times.”
Seth chuckled. “Let me get you a beer.”
“Man, a beer would be amazing right now.”
He pulled away from me and headed to the fridge. He took out two bottles of beer.
As Seth handed me mine, I paused. “Wait a minute, is this okay? Isn’t drinking when you’re responsible for a kid, like, illegal or something?”
Seth lifted a single eyebrow. “Babe, it’s one beer. You’re not going on a mad bender.”
“Right. You’re right.” I took the beer. “Plus, parents have beers all the time. They need to, right? To de-stress after a hard day of parenting? Jesus Christ…I’ve spent the day parenting. Haven’t I? Or have I been his friend?” I let out a mildly hysterical laugh.
“Drink your beer, Cass,” Seth said, an amused smile pulling at his lips. “And we’ll talk.”
I let him lead me down the hall to the living room, where we stretched out on that huge, comfy couch. And all the words just fell out of me. Everything Billy had asked me. Everything that had been racing through my head all day. I held nothing back. Seth didn’t have to push for any details—I offered them freely.
When the words slowed, when everything had been said, all I could do was stare at him. “I have to ask, where’s your head?”
Seth rubbed a hand over his hair. “Honestly? I feel like I’m in limbo.”
“Limbo?”
He nodded. “Your kid showed up, Cass. Your kid. That’s huge. And I don’t know where I fit.”
“What do you mean?” I asked with a frown.
“You guys have only just found each other. Watching the two of you together, it’s something seriously special. Something amazing is happening right now. I’m holding myself back, because I want to jump in with both feet and talk to him, ask him stuff, laugh with you both. But, right now, this is your time.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I said quietly.
Seth smiled and reached over to kiss my hand. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m not complaining. I’m just telling you what’s in my head.”
“Just so you know, it was Billy who said you should come back here when you texted me earlier.”
“Oh yeah?”
I nodded. “He gets that we’re a package deal. He knew it wasn’t just me here when he showed up.”
“Okay,” Seth said, looking a little relieved. “That’s good. Right?”
“That’s very good,” I agreed. “Don’t feel like an outsider, okay?”
“Okay.”
I blew out a breath and dropped my head against the back of the couch. “Wow, today took a one-eighty, didn’t it?”
Seth laughed. “You’re telling me. This morning feels like a thousand years ago. We were having breakfast, getting ready for the Tasmanian devil to show up…”
I turned my head to look at him. “Talking about kids.”
He nodded.
“Weird timing, huh?”
“Or the universe’s way of forcing us to deal with the issue.” He cringed. “Not that it’s an issue.”
“It’s not an issue,” I assured him. “Can I…can I tell you where my head was this morning?”
“Of course you can. Never, ever think that you can’t.”
My belly tumbled. The thoughts that had plagued me for years were now about to be given voice. “I want kids with you, Seth. Like, a whole bunch. But I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it. And the reason why is asleep in our guest room.”
Seth didn’t say anything. He simply looked at me with an open, encouraging expression.
“How can I even consider having children, when I abandoned the first one I had? It would make me the world’s biggest hypocrite. A total asshole. It has always been in the back of my head that, were Billy to ever want to meet me, how on earth would it make him feel that I chose to have more children, when I hadn’t kept him?”
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until Seth bundled me up and placed me in his lap. He wiped away the tears streaming down my face and gripped my hip, pinning me to him.
“It wouldn’t make you an asshole. Or a hypocrite,” Seth said softly. “You made a choice when you were fifteen years old. You can’t change it, but you can own it. Yeah, it might take him a while to get it, to understand. But he will. Eventually he will.”
“You think so?”
“I can only guess, Cass. Nothing is ever certain.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “But I meant what I said this morning—all I want is you. Everything else is a bonus.”
“I don’t know what I would do without you,” I whispered, burrowing my face into his chest.
“You never have to find out.”
“Promise?”
“Always.”
Chapter Six
Dozens of cars lined Blake and Marley’s driveway. I glanced back at Billy, trying to gauge his reaction. He was wide-eyed, mouth hanging open.
“Um…they’re really down-to-earth people,” I said, trying to reassure him. “They just have a big house.”
“It’s a mansion,” Billy whispered.
“Blake’s an architect. He built it himself,” Seth said.
“I am totally becoming an architect.”
Seth bellowed a laugh. “Tell him that and you’re golden. But he’ll probably never shut the hell up, so you’ve been warned.”
Billy didn’t answer him—he simply continued staring out of the car window at Blake and Marley’s place.
Somewhere between meeting Seth and getting to the here and now, I’d stopped seeing their house for what it was, as Billy had put it—a mansion. Seth and Blake had grown up in opulent luxury, in a house easily five times the size of the one Blake had built for himself and Marley. They’d had chefs and maids, someone at their beck and call day and night. And yet both men had turned into respectable characters. They weren’t
spoiled and didn’t take their privileged childhood for granted. They’d used what they’d been given and molded it into something honorable.
When I’d first seen this house, I’d thought it was Seth’s. He’d neglected to tell me he was more or less bumming on his brother’s couch—actually, it had been the guest room, but why split hairs? He’d let me think he was a rich little playboy—which he was—and he lived there alone. The place had blown me away with its marble floors, open, airy rooms and maze-like hallways.
But now, it had shrunk to a home. A very, very big home, but a home nonetheless. On the outside, it was bricks and mortar—okay, so a lot of bricks and mortar—but on the inside it was filled with love and warmth.
And today…chaos.
Seth parked the car and we all climbed out. We headed around the side of the house to the back yard, knowing that was where everyone would be. And oh, holy hell, Seth had been right.
America had thrown up over the back yard.
Giant flags hung above the French doors that led to the kitchen and American flag bunting crisscrossed above our heads, stretching all the way across the yard. Red, white and blue butterflies on sticks were stabbed into the grass and fake fireworks wrapped in flags surrounded the pool. A table had been set up with food, the tablecloth sticking to the patriotic color scheme.
“Whoa,” I said under my breath.
Seth squeezed my waist. “Told you.”
Marley appeared, carrying a silver tray of drinks. “Hey, you’re here!”
“Hey,” I said. “So…you went back to the store?”
She bit her lip and nodded. “It’s too much?”
Seth choked on a laugh.
I elbowed him in the side. “No, it’s totally you guys.”
“Garish and over the top?” Seth asked me with a grin.
“Just for that, you’re manning the grill.” Marley gave him a sweet smile.
Seth huffed. “Like I had a choice anyway. Do you guys even use the thing when I’m not here?”
“Nope.”
Seth was a genius on a grill. He was actually a spectacular cook. He’d told me once that it had been lonely growing up in that ginormous house, especially once Blake had left for prep school. So he’d hung around the many workers his father employed to run the house, favoring the cook. The result was Seth more than knew his way around the kitchen.
“Why does that not surprise me?” Seth asked, the smile on his face taking the bite out of his words.
Marley looked at Billy. “Hi, I’m Marley.”
“Hi,” Billy said. He had to be nervous. He was at a party crammed with people he didn’t know. If he was nervous, he hid it well. He held Marley’s eye and straightened his back. “I’m Billy.”
“I hear you met my little monster yesterday.”
Billy frowned in confusion.
“Austin,” I supplied.
He smiled. “Oh, right. Yeah, he’s sort of…”
“Bat shit crazy?” Seth suggested.
Marley threw daggers at Seth with her eyes. “You can shut the heck up, or I’ll get your big brother.”
He threw his head back and laughed. “Right, because that’s something to be afraid of.”
“You’re right.” Marley took a step closer to Seth. “Then maybe I’ll get…your mom.”
“You wouldn’t.”
She laughed. “Oh, I would.”
Seth sighed. “Fine. I apologize for my filthy language.”
“That’s better. Okay, so the meat is in the fridge. Austin is practically climbing the ceiling, he’s eaten so much candy. He needs real food in his belly.”
“Yeah, yeah. Be honest—it’s the only reason we got an invite, isn’t it?”
“It’s the only reason you got an invite,” Marley said, winking at me.
Seth stuck his tongue out at her. He turned and kissed me quick. “You know where to find me.”
“You make him cook for you?” Billy asked Marley once Seth had disappeared inside.
“Nah, no one can make Seth do anything he doesn’t want to,” I said. “But wait till you try his burgers. Then you’ll know why they ask him ever so nicely to man the grill.”
“What? I asked nicely,” Marley cried.
“Sure you did.”
Austen then barreled into his mother, causing the drinks on her tray to slosh over the side. He was soaking wet and wearing his Spiderman bathing shorts.
“Austin, seriously, will you calm down?” Marley said.
“I’m hungry, is Seth cooking yet? Can I have a hotdog? No, can I have a burger? No! Can I have a hotdog and a burger? And a soda?”
“Yes, yes and absolutely not.” Marley touched Austin’s damp shoulder. “Austin, you remember Billy?”
Austin turned and stared at Billy before his mouth stretched into a wide grin. “Hi! I’m wearing Spiderman stuff today. Yesterday it was Batman.”
“I remember,” Billy said, his lips twitching with amusement. “I like Spiderman, he’s cool.”
“Which movie one do you like? I like number three. He’s funny.”
“Yeah, me too. But I liked number two better, though.”
Austin laughed, shrill and high-pitched. “Want to see me shoot pool-basketball? Want to play too? Bet you can’t beat my high score!”
Billy glanced up at me.
I handed him the bag containing the bathing shorts we’d picked up on the way. “Austin can show you where to change. And don’t believe him when he says that he gets six points instead of three because he’s smaller than you. The kid could hustle before he could walk.”
Billy laughed. “Okay.” He followed Austin in the direction of the pool house to change.
“He doesn’t mind hanging out with a four year old?” Marley asked me.
I shrugged. “He doesn’t seem to.”
“Austin has that older-kid hero-worship thing going on, I think.”
“Mmm,” I agreed.
“So, I have to ask, how are you coping with all of this?” Concern filled Marley’s soulful brown eyes. In the years since Seth and I had gotten together, Marley and I had become close. Really close. I considered her a soul sister—I could talk to her about absolutely anything and knew there was nothing I couldn’t take to her. She was the one who’d led me through the complex relationship Seth had with his father and who helped me pick out gowns for the many high-society functions the Hamilton family threw.
I’d be lost without her.
“Ask me in a month or two,” I said, smiling. “I honestly have no idea. I’m just taking it moment by moment, you know?”
She nodded. “I do. I couldn’t believe it when Seth told us yesterday. I think Blake is still trying to pry his jaw off the floor.”
I laughed. “Yeah, me too.”
“And how about Billy? How does he seem to be dealing with everything?”
“Honestly? Better than any of the rest of us.” I looked over to the pool, where Austin had just cannon-balled into the water, soaking anyone unfortunate enough to be in the splash zone. Billy laughed at him and jumped in, in a somewhat less psychotic manner. “He told me that he found out a while ago. He found out enough about me that made him know he wanted to meet me, and just sort of went for it.”
Marley bumped her elbow against mine. “Sounds like someone else I know.”
A sudden knot formed in my throat. “Yeah?” I asked.
She nodded. “Anyone who looks at him will know he’s yours. He carries himself the way you do.”
“All spitting kitten?” Seth’s favorite description of me when I was pissy.
Marley laughed. “No, I don’t even know how to describe it. He’s like your carbon copy.”
“I’m so worried I don’t live up to his expectations,” I said quietly. “I’m so worried he realizes I’m a total asshole who abandoned him.”
Marley placed her tray of spilled drinks on a nearby table so she could wrap both her arms around me. “Don’t ever think that for a second. You didn’
t abandon him. Plenty of people really do abandon their children—in hospitals, in freaking dumpsters. You found him his family, Cassidy. You found him his home. And now he wants to know the woman who was brave enough to realize the best thing she could ever do for him would be to let him go home.”
“Oh, you’re going to ruin my makeup,” I sniffed. “How do you know the perfect thing to say?”
She laughed again and squeezed me a fraction tighter. “It’s a gift.”
“Thank you, Marley,” I whispered.
“What I’m here for,” she said as she released me.
I swiped under my eyes, relieved to see my eyeliner hadn’t run. Small mercies. “So,” I said, glancing around the back yard. “Did anyone in Vegas not get invited?”
“I went overboard, huh?” Marley looked around. “And I didn’t just stick to Vegas, you know.”
“Oh, are Hayley and Colt here?”
“No, just my mom. I invited them, but they wanted to go to Colt’s parents’ place.” She made a face that I couldn’t help but laugh at, even though I knew how much she missed her best friend. “Well, I’d better do the rounds. Will you be okay?”
I nodded. “Go be a hostess. I’ll keep Seth company.”
Marley squeezed my arm before she disappeared into the crowd.
Seth was flipping burgers when I joined him at the grill. He smiled in welcome and nodded over to the pool. “Everything okay over there?”
I looked at Austin and Billy. Austin was desperately trying to knock the ball out of Billy’s hands, but lacked the height to do so. Austin resorted to climbing up his body like a spider monkey and almost drowned Billy trying to get the ball from him.
Billy surfaced, laughing so hard he almost went under the water again. He splashed Austin.
“Austin is totally hero-worshiping him.”
“Looks about right.”
I was struck then with a feeling of absolute contentedness. Everything was just as it should be. Seth was grilling, we were surrounded by friends and family…and the child I had been apart from for twelve years was here, horsing around with my nephew, playing with him tirelessly, even though a lot of kids his age wouldn’t have looked twice at Austin.
Secrets, Lies & Fireworks (Beautiful Saviors Book 1) Page 5