Nicolai's Daughters

by Stella Leventoyannis Harvey

  Alexia slammed the door. “Don’t wait for me. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

  She rode along the side streets and out onto the back roads. A memory came back to her. A woman she’d spoken to when she’d called her father once while he was in Greece. Was that her? Theodora’s mother? He said she was nothing to worry about or some such thing. He never talked about her again. She never thought to ask. What had she talked about with that woman? She couldn’t remember.

  She called Dan from a field. He was the only one she could think of to call. How had she ended up like this? No one to talk to or confide in.

  She asked him how things were going at the office, but Dan cut her off.

  “Something’s wrong,” he said. “What’s going on with you? Are you all right?”

  “I’ll work it out.” She kicked at the stones on the side of the road.

  “Want to talk it through? Maybe I can help.”

  “I should go.” I can’t even make sense of it, she thought. How could you?

  “I want to help,” he said. “Not everyone thinks like you do, you know. There’s no shame in asking for help once in a while.”

  “I’ll call you in the next few days,” she said and hung up.

  She found herself at Maria’s door.

  “Come in,” Maria said. “You have fight with Christina?”

  “I know about Dimitria.”

  “Come, we talk in the kitchen. Everyone is out tonight anyway.”

  Alexia followed her into the cluttered kitchen.

  “I make tea.”

  “How did it happen?”

  Alexia sat down at the table. Maria sat across from her, the tea forgotten.

  “Our father made life difficult for Nicolai when he came home after your mother died, God rest her soul. And we listened to our father; we didn’t help Nicolai. We are ashamed of what we did. He needed us then. If he had our support, this unnatural thing could not have happened. Our brother went to his cousin’s open arms. They had been close when they were children. They got in trouble once because our uncle found them asleep together. But it was nothing. They weren’t even teenagers.”

  Alexia sat back. Maybe Mom was just a sorry second to him, she thought. When Mom died, he went back to Dimitria, the woman he really loved. “He left me to come back to find Dimitria. He’d been in love with her all along,” Alexia said. “Is that what you’re saying?”

  “No. They were just kids playing house, if it was even that. More likely they were talking, got tired and fell asleep as kids do sometimes, nothing more. Her father reacted for no reason. His dirty imagination.”

  It must have been more than that, Alexia thought.

  “I think it was easy for him to go to her because she made it easy for him, loved him when we turned our backs on him. And we only did this because people talk.”

  “Yes.”

  “And there are many sides to this story.”

  “Christina was the last of us to marry, but she was the oldest of the girls. Solon’s family didn’t like her. They were looking for any excuse to stop the wedding. I do not think Solon would have allowed it, but Christina was scared. We were all scared for her.”

  “And what does that have to do with my father?” Alexia touched Maria’s forearm.

  “We hid this thing between Dimitria and Nicolai. Christina married and Nicolai went back to Canada and everything was fine again.”

  “But Solon’s parents are dead and he didn’t have anyone else. Who cares now?”

  “Solon is different than his family. You are right. But he is still a proud man.”

  “My father wanted me to find Theodora. Maybe he cared about her more than he cared about me.”

  Maria leaned over and cupped Alexia’s face. “He went back to Canada for you.”

  Alexia sat back, her hands open on her lap. “He wanted me to give her the letters he wrote to her. He wanted us to meet, for some reason.”

  “She has family now. Maybe she doesn’t want to know.”

  “Maybe he wanted to put an end to all this secrecy.” Or he wanted to rub Theodora, his love child, in her face. Alexia didn’t know what he wanted.

  “He want or you want?” Maria took Alexia’s hands in hers. “You have to understand us,” Maria said. “I get divorce a long time ago. I know you know this because Christina and Katarina talk about it to this day. They say my son is not good because he went through a bad time after the divorce. I have a new husband now. The divorce, as I said, happened many years ago. But it is fresh in their minds like it happen yesterday. There is no happy ending like in the books. You live with us long enough and you will learn this.”

  19

  1986

  “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?” Mavis said. She told him to come in, but he hesitated. He stood at the front door, his hand on the handle, his other arm wedged against the doorframe. His head hung to one side. She looked at him, waiting for an answer. He felt like the wooden sculpture of Christ on the cross in the church in Kalavryta. The lines of resignation carved into the wooden face had made Nicolai weep.

  “It’s been weeks since we heard from you.”

  “I know. I’m sorry,” Nicolai said. On the plane, he’d tried to imagine what it would be like. He pictured himself standing back, waiting to see if Alexia would come to him and hug him. He wanted her to be the way she had been with him before he left.

  He’d been wrong to leave her behind. By the look on her face, Mavis was thinking the same thing. If a friend couldn’t forgive him, how would his little girl?

  “I’m …” Mavis reached out and brought him close. “You must have missed her terribly. It won’t…I mean, it wouldn’t have been easy without her.” Pinned in Mavis’s embrace, a spasm worried his lower back.

  They stood together until she let him go.

  She brushed at her cheek with the back of her hand. Her hair had a few streaks of grey, her face was paler than usual. She took a deep breath and smiled weakly. “It’s just such a surprise.”

  “It was time.”

  “I’m making some soup. Do you want some?” She closed the front door, rubbed at her arms, said summer had gone by too quickly.

  He stood on the doormat as if not sure he’d be allowed to come in. “Is she here?”

  Mavis turned and looked at the grandfather clock. “She’ll be home in a couple of minutes.” She sighed, then put her arm in his. “She’s missed you.”

  The kitchen smelled of fresh-baked bread and felt like home, more home than his mother’s kitchen, or that awful motel room. His stomach growled, but he didn’t feel like eating. He sat at the kitchen table, listened to Mavis talk about how Alexia was doing in school, the friends she’d made, the baking they’d done, all the books they’d read. “I’ve missed a lot,” he said. His fingers drummed at his thighs. “I get it.”

  Mavis turned. They looked at each other, then she turned away again. “It’s just that she’s such a great kid,” Mavis said. “So interested and curious.”

  She wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know.

  “I’ve taken pictures for you,” she said as she threw some chopped parsley into the soup, “so you can see.” She brushed one hand against the other.

  Under his breath he rehearsed what he’d say to Alexia.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.” Mavis turned to face him. “Say again?”

  He heard the front door open and slam shut. “I’m home, Aunty.”

  He pushed back his chair. His breath quickened. Calm down, he said to himself. Hearing her voice, he knew he’d made the right decision. At least once in his life. He couldn’t have a life anywhere without her. He had to make her believe it.

  “Come in here quick, Ali,” Mavis said.

  He rubbed his hands on his jeans. He listened to her in the hallway, watched the spot where she’d come through the door. His eyes would be the first thing she saw. She’d know he loved her. She’d know he was back to stay. His eyes w
ould tell her everything.

  Her sounds got louder: a huff as she kicked her shoes off, the bang as they knocked against the closet door, her sigh as she struggled with her coat. “It sticks to my fleece,” she said. “I hate that coat.” God, how he’d missed that voice. Her feet sliding as she came down the hallway. His arms dangled at his sides. His eyes ached staring at the blank doorway.

  She ran to Mavis and hugged her. She hadn’t seen him at all. He was sure he hadn’t looked away. How could she have missed him? He was standing by the kitchen table. Of course, she couldn’t see him. The island blocked her view.

  “Wait until I tell you what happened!”

  Mavis turned Alexia around and walked her to the other side of the island.

  Alexia stared at him. She glanced over at Mavis as if to ask a question, then turned back to him. He could see a crease form on her forehead, just above her eyes.

  “Are you finished working?” she asked, tucking her hands behind her back.

  “I’m here to stay,” he said.

  “When she’s got a question, her gaze can slice you open,” her grade three teacher had told him. Nicolai understood now what she’d meant.

  Mavis gave Alexia a slight nudge and turned towards the stove. Mavis pulled her apron up to her face, wiped her eyes.

  Alexia ran her hand over her long hair as if to make sure she looked presentable.

  Just like her mother, he thought. You’ll always be perfect to me, paidi mou. The actual words didn’t come out of his mouth. Her face was red. She liked to run. That hadn’t changed. She’d probably run all the way home.

  “I’m really happy to see you,” he said softly, walking towards her.

  She took a step back.

  He stopped. Let her come to you, he told himself. “I’ve missed you,” he said.

  “Why did you hang up on me?”

  “I’m sorry, paidi mou,” he said. He held her gaze, hoped she’d see it in his eyes. He wouldn’t turn away now.

  She shrugged, stared at her feet.

  “I wanted to come back as soon as I could.”

  “Really?” She looked at him, again.

  He nodded. He gazed beyond her, caught a glimpse of Mavis, her back still turned. He wanted to speak up, but his mouth was dry. He could use a glass of water.

  Alexia shuffled towards him.

  It’s all right, he thought. I’m here now. I won’t leave you again. Believe me, please. Please.

  Her arms reached up to him. He hugged her close.

  His knees felt like water. He wondered if his legs would collapse beneath him and he’d drop in front of her. “You’ve been running,” he said, pulling away. “I can tell.” He smiled and dropped down onto the chair.

  “I’ll clean up,” she said, and shrugged.

  “I missed you,” he said again as if he were speaking Greek and these were the only words he remembered of his language. He held his breath.

  “It’s okay, Daddy,” Alexia said and put her hand in his. “I know.”

  Nicolai agreed to stay with Stuart and Mavis until he was able to find a place. Alexia seemed happy with the arrangement for now. He went back to work, redoubled his efforts to build his public relations company, hired more staff, made presentations and went to meetings. He looked through the real estate ads for a place of their own.

  They went to the fall fair and bake sale. On Halloween, they got dressed up and planned a route. It felt like a job, but one he wanted to do well.

  “Do you want me to take her out?” Mavis asked.

  “I’m back now, Mavis. Stop worrying,” he said sharply. I screwed up before. I know that, he thought. But, I’m her father. And I’m here now. You don’t have to worry, anymore. It’s going to be fine. “You did a great job with her,” he added, as an afterthought.

  Mavis shrugged. “I’ll get over it. Alexia’s the one you should be worried about.”

  On Saturdays and sometimes on Sundays, too, he’d take Alexia out for the day. They’d look at houses and condominiums, grab a quick sandwich at lunch, see more places in the afternoon and eventually stop for dinner.

  “You pick the restaurant,” he said, one late Saturday afternoon. “We’ll go anywhere you want to go.”

  “You pick,” she said. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

  “How about Greek?”

  “Aren’t you sick of that?”

  They drove around the West End, Nicolai gazing up at the condominiums on Beach Avenue.

  “Let’s get a house where we can have a dog,” she said again.

  “How about that diner on Davie?” he said. “Let’s go there.”

  She shrugged. “Okay.”

  Nicolai glanced over. The seat belt lay against her bony collarbone, holding her tight against the back of the seat. “Dogs are a big responsibility,” he said. “You’re too young. You’ve never had a pet.”

  “I’d look after it,” she said stubbornly.

  He glanced over at her. He got the message. She was blaming him. She didn’t think he’d looked after her. He was trying, though. Maybe she couldn’t see that? “Wouldn’t it be nice to be by the water?” Nicolai asked. “In a condominium, we wouldn’t have to take care of anything. Someone else would do all the work. We’d have more time.”

  “I don’t mind doing stuff, Daddy. We’d do it together.”

  Like her mother, he thought. But not her mother. “I’m sorry, paidi mou, but I don’t want another house. It’s too much work. I’m busy at work. And you’re busy at school,” he said. “I don’t want you to worry about anything else.”

  At the diner, they sat across from each other. She picked at her dinner and watched him closely. “You’ve got lots and lots of work, right?” Alexia said, and put her hand on his forearm.

  He gulped the last drop of wine in his glass, patted his chin. “This is pretty incredible.” He pointed to his half-eaten hamburger. “Best burger I’ve had in a while.”

  “I mean there’s enough work here.” She sat on her hands. “Right?”

  He took another bite, shook his head, mumbled and began to cough.

  She stood up beside him quickly and patted his back. She handed him a glass of water and said, “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

  He sipped water, wiped away a tear. “When did you become the parent?” he asked, through another coughing spurt. He cleared his throat. “I’m okay, paidi mou. Sit down, please.” He flicked away a tear.

  She stared at him for several seconds until he nodded. “Don’t worry so much,” he said. “Everything is okay now.”

  “That’s what you said before.”

  She stood beside her chair, looking down at her plate. He followed her gaze to the uneaten burger. He told himself to reassure her. The two of them would be fine.

  He nudged her so she had to look directly into his eyes. “That won’t happen again. I’m not leaving. Not without you.”

  She nodded, but didn’t smile. She sat down.

  He tickled her. She giggled, pushing him away.

  “Now eat before you disappear. You’re like your…” He pushed his shoulders back, knocked his chair forward, pulling himself closer to the table.

  “Like who?”

  He grabbed his burger, brought it to his mouth, changed his mind and dropped it back on the plate.

  “Who?”

  “It still hurts to talk about her.”

  “I don’t want us to forget Mom.” Her hands sat on her lap curled up into fists.

  He took her hands, kissed each and folded them within his. “We never will,” he said and hugged her. “Not ever.”

  Nicolai continued to search for a place to live and after a few months found a penthouse condominium on Beach Avenue. He visited the place four times. He lay on his back on the floor in the living room, his head propped up on the pillow of his arms, and stared at the endless ocean.

  He took Alexia to see it one night just before sunset. “Look,” he said, pointing to the pink sky beyond the flo
or-to-ceiling windows. They stood side by side, his arm over her shoulder.

  “Do they allow dogs?” she asked, turning away.

  “We’ll have this every single night.” He smiled.

  “It’s not a very big living room, is it? I mean for a dog to run around.”

  He turned. “Let’s check out your bedroom.”

  “Did you already buy it, Daddy?”

  “I wanted you to look at it.” He had put an offer in that morning. He could pull out of the deal if he had to, but he thought she’d like it. What was not to like?

  “If you like it,” she said and reached for his hand, “it’s okay with me.”

  He squeezed her hand, smiled.

  Once the paperwork went through, Nicolai had the condominium painted and decorated professionally. He wanted it to be perfect. He sprinkled holy water in each room. This new home would be blessed. It would be protected and would take care of both of them.

  He wanted to get moved in as soon as possible. He appreciated Mavis and Stuart taking both Alexia and him in, but their worried looks made him feel like he was on probation. Why didn’t anyone believe him? He was back to stay. Everything was fine.

  When Nicolai walked down the hall of Mavis’s house to Alexia’s room to see if she was ready to go, he found Mavis and Alexia sitting on the bed, Alexia’s hand on Mavis’s leg. Mavis blew her nose. Nicolai leaned back, stood outside the open door.

  “We’re not going very far,” Alexia said.

  “That’s right.” Mavis blew her nose again.

  Nicolai shook his head. What was the big deal? He’d talked to Mavis, thought he’d reassured her, told her how much he’d appreciated what she’d done for Alexia, for him. He knocked on the doorframe and walked into the room. “Ready to go?”

  “One last thing, Daddy,” Alexia said, pointing to a box on the table.

  “I’ll see you outside,” he said. “We should get going.”

  “Oh, I almost forgot,” Mavis said. “You got a letter this morning. It’s on the kitchen counter.” Alexia stood up. Mavis gave her a hug.

  “I’ll grab it on my way out.”

  He helped Alexia unpack after they arrived at the condominium and when she said she wasn’t hungry, he asked her if she wanted to take a bath.