The smell of meat was stronger. She hadn’t eaten anything since lunch. A salad. “Straight out of the garden,” Christina had said as she’d ripped apart the lettuce. That smile of Christina’s, always ready and willing to reassure Alexia. Her stomach groaned. Can’t think about that now.
She looked up the stairs. The house was still. She pulled off one shoe, then the other. Sand spilled. She turned towards the door, put her shoes on the mat, bent down and swept the sand with her hands into the corner.
She put her foot on the first step and stopped. The step was cool against the bottom of her foot. She told herself she’d have the covers over her head in a few minutes. This nightmare would be over.
“I made lamb for you tonight,” Christina said. A light clicked on in the kitchen.
Alexia jumped. She really didn’t want to deal with Christina tonight. She closed her eyes and shook her head. Face this head on. It was her best shot. She stepped back.
A small lamp sat on the kitchen table. Alexia hadn’t seen it before. Maybe Christina had brought it down from her bedroom.
The lamp’s muted light cast shadows in the kitchen. Christina sat hunched over the table, her back to Alexia, a Saran-wrapped plate in her hands. She turned it one way, then another, as if she was trying to figure out what it was. Alexia’s mouth was dry. She licked her lips and walked over to the cupboard, took out a glass and filled it with water. She turned to face Christina.
Alexia took a sip of water. Don’t back away, she told herself. You’ve screwed up, yes. But they don’t need to know that part. She saw herself lying with her legs apart and her pants over one knee. She swallowed hard.
“I thought you didn’t eat meat before Easter,” Alexia said.
“This was for you.”
Stop with that stupid plate, she thought. Look at me. Yell at me. Do whatever. Let’s just get this over with. Alexia put the glass down. “Are you okay?” she asked.
Christina shrugged.
“You’re up very early today,” Alexia said. “Can I get you something, Thia? I can make you some coffee if you like. Or a cup of tea?” She turned towards the counter and knocked the glass over with her elbow. “Damn.” She caught it before it hit the ground.
“You’ve done enough.”
Alexia grabbed the rag in the sink and wiped the counter and cabinet. She put the glass in the sink and picked up the kettle. “Maybe tea would be good.”
“Where have you been?” Christina’s voice was quiet, lower than usual.
Alexia turned.
Christina pushed the plate away and put her hands in her lap.
“You know where I was, Thia,” Alexia said. “I’ll get the tea on.” She put the kettle on the burner, turned the knob and struck a match. The gas flared quicker than she expected. She stumbled back from the stove and reached over to turn the element off. “Maybe it’s too late for tea. Or too early. We should be in bed.”
Christina pulled out a chair and motioned for Alexia to sit down.
“I’m really tired.” Alexia stood against the counter, her arms crossed.
“You were not too tired to stay out all night.”
Alexia edged the chair away from Christina, then sat down.
“Well?” Christina asked. She put her hand over Alexia’s.
“I went to Maria’s. You know that.” Alexia pulled her hand away.
“Maria called me when you left there,” Christina said. “That was hours ago.”
“I went to the beach. A run.” Alexia leaned towards Christina. You can’t check that. So there.
“You went to the bar first. No?” she asked. “Where you met your friend Achilles.”
Alexia stood up. “Are you following me?”
“Still you don’t understand,” Christina said.
“So I went for a drink. What’s the big deal?” She looked away. There were still a few drops of water on the counter. She wanted to wipe them up with her sleeve.
“The owner of the bar is a friend of ours. He was worried about you.” Christina pulled herself out of the chair. She put her hand on Alexia’s shoulder. “We all are.”
“If your idea of concern is keeping secrets, I don’t want to be a part of it.”
Christina’s hand felt heavy against her shoulder. Alexia shrugged it off. “I can take care of myself.”
“This is what a family does.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?” Christina stood in front of Alexia, grasped her arms firmly. “You know everything now.” Her mouth drooped in a wounded smile. “Have we not been good to you?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Alexia stepped back.
Christina let go. “Keep your voice down.” She cocked her head and looked towards the ceiling.
“Because you don’t want Solon to wake up and hear that you knew all along about Theodora and never told my father. You lied to him. You all did.”
“What are you saying?” Christina said. “There were rumours, but our cousin went away. We thought it was just talk. We put her out of our minds. Besides she had been seen with your friend so we put two and two together. We did not know until Achilles, I hate to have his name enter my mouth, came to see our father, God rest his soul, your pappou.” She folded her hands together as though in prayer.
“What?” Alexia slumped down on one of the chairs.
“He sent that man out of our house and told him to stay away from us.” Christina grabbed a handkerchief from her pocket and dabbed at her mouth. She sat down across from Alexia. “I heard my father talking one night with my mother. They agreed to send an envelope to our cousin at the beginning of every month to help take care of Theodora, but when they died, I found all of the envelopes had come back to them.” She shook her head. “They had never been opened. I still have them.”
“They didn’t tell my father.”
“What good would it have done?”
“We might have been a family.”
“Ella, paidi mou, it was only a mistake that happened because your father was upset with us and our cousin took advantage of that.” Christina threw her hands up at Alexia. “They were cousins. Where could they have lived together without shame falling on their heads, and on their children? On all of our heads. How could we explain?”
“They were ashamed of him and wanted to protect themselves.”
“It is not so easy,” Christina said, tilting back in her chair. “Don’t blame them. It is my fault.”
Christina laced her fingers. She looked away. “Nicolai had an argument with our father and moved out. I asked him to come back from Aigio,” Christina said. “When he wouldn’t come home, I refused to speak to him because I knew Solon’s family would not allow our marriage if they knew what Nicolai was doing. It was this way in those days. I’m to be blamed for what happened between Nicolai and Dimitria.”
“He came back to Greece for her,” Alexia said. “They were childhood sweethearts. I don’t know. After my mom died, he came running back here to find her. His real love.”
“No, Alexia. Now, you are wrong. What happened when they were kids was nothing. They were caught playing house. All children do this. It is normal. No? Her father got angry. He talked to our father and that was all that happened. Nothing more. They didn’t even see each other after that. Nicolai never knew that our father knew. But our father kept him away from her.”
“Then, why did he come back here? Why didn’t he bring me?”
“Nicolai was probably afraid of what our father might do. Maybe ruin you with his anger. I don’t know. What I know for sure is your mother was his only love. This is probably why he never married again. I know this. I knew it when I visited you in Vancouver. He told me he was happy. It was the first time in our lives I heard him say this. And I knew it was true. And you know it, too.”
All those women. Nothing lasted. God, why hadn’t I figured this out before? I thought he just brought them home to make my life miserable. He ev
en told me there could never be anyone else but Sara for him. Why didn’t I listen?
“I knew how much he needed us and I betrayed him.”
“Why didn’t you call him? Tell him?”
Christina shrugged. “He never said a word to any of us, so we thought he didn’t want to talk about it. No?”
Christina reached over. Alexia flinched.
“There is something in your hair,” Christina said, pulling out a tiny, dried-out leaf. “See?” She passed the leaf to Alexia.
“I was running.” Alexia took the leaf. She got up, stuck it in her pocket and took off her jacket. She walked out into the hallway and hung it on the coat rack. Christina followed.
“Did you fall too?”
“What do you mean?”
Christina tried to brush Alexia’s back. Alexia turned. More damn sand. Alexia grabbed the broom from the front closet, turning away from Christina. “I told you I went to the beach.” She swept the sand into a corner and left it. She leaned the broom against the wall and turned to the stairs, gripped the railing. “I need some sleep,” she said.
“We will talk more after Easter.”
Alexia turned back towards Christina. “You’ve all made such a mess.”
“When you hide things, everything gets worse.” She caught Alexia’s eye. “You understand this better, now. No?” Christina walked back into the kitchen, sat down and turned out the lamp.
Alexia stood in the dark. She heard Christina sigh. Alexia crept up the stairs, closed her bedroom door behind her and got into bed.
She woke to a sound. Panting. The sheets had wrapped themselves around her arms, holding her down. Alexia kicked at the twisted sheets, the blanket. She sat up quickly. Her eyes adjusted. She was in her room, alone, her bedroom door closed. The old-fashioned key dangled from the lock. Had Christina come up to check on her? Was it someone else? The door to the terrace was opened. The curtains fluttered in the light breeze. The sun warmed the room. She told herself she should get up and close the shutters.
She shimmied out of her pants and blouse and dropped both on the floor. Sand rubbed against her as she pushed herself up towards the headboard. She leaned against the pillow, pulled the sheets up to cover herself. The blanket had fallen on the floor out of reach. She couldn’t be bothered to retrieve it. She rubbed her foot over her shin. The sand seemed to multiply. She wiped her hands against the sheets. She’d have to shake everything out, wash all the bedding and her clothes, shower. Get up, she told herself. She lay still, encased in sand, her arms by her sides as if to hold the sheets, the dirt down.
She listened for the static on the radio downstairs. The house was quiet. It must be late morning. Solon was likely in the field. Maybe Christina had gone shopping. Outside her terrace door she heard a machine grind and pitch.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why had she done it? Achilles meant nothing to her. She was just another one of his conquests and maybe his ticket to more money for his boardwalk. Sure, she had needed a way to let off steam. There was a lot of crap she was dealing with in this family. An escape from it was a good idea. She did that sometimes. No harm done with a married man. But this was just stupid. She couldn’t get his grin or the silly way he stroked his patchy beard out of her head. She squeezed her eyes closed. She hadn’t used a condom, hadn’t even thought about it. A man like that could be carrying any number of diseases. Jesus Christ. She slammed her fists on the bed until she tired herself out. This doesn’t happen to me, she thought. Ever. Even when I have my fun, I control things. This time, I screwed up royally. It’s got to be this place, these people. They’re making me crazy.
Christina’s words came back to Alexia. “When you hide things, everything gets worse.” Alexia saw the way Christina tilted her head as if she knew Alexia understood what she was talking about. “You understand this better now. No?”
Okay, maybe he hasn’t had that many women. Maybe it’s all just talk. Maybe it’s going to be okay. You can only fool yourself so long, she thought. But it was all she could do right now. At least, I’m on the pill, she told herself. I don’t have to worry about that.
She threw the sheets off and swung her feet to the floor. The room began to spin. Her stomach rumbled. She held her head in her hands until the dizziness passed. She had to eat. Get moving, she told herself. Sitting around feeling sorry for herself wasn’t going to change a thing.
Alexia walked down a couple of steps, then stopped to listen for any sound. Nothing. Christina wasn’t at the sink washing dishes or at the stove stirring a pot of soup. Maybe she was in the garden. She probably wants to avoid me as much as I want to avoid her, Alexia thought.
She walked into the kitchen and saw him. Solon sat at the table with his back to her. He sipped his coffee. The paper lay untouched beside him. Maybe he hadn’t heard her come down. She might still have a chance to get back upstairs before he noticed.
“This is no good,” he said.
“What are you doing home, Thio?”
He didn’t turn. “Today is Good Friday. We do not work. We pay our respects to the one who suffered for us, sacrificed his life for us.” He cradled a cup in his large hands, brought it to his mouth, but didn’t take a drink. He seemed smaller to her, his whiskers made his face look grey.
“I’d forgotten.”
“You have too much on your mind,” he said.
She walked to the counter, trying to act normal. Maybe he didn’t know anything about what had happened with Christina. “Do you want me to make you another coffee?” she asked, turning to face him.
“The coffee is fine,” he said. “These bad feelings between you and Christina are not.” He put his cup down.
Christina had either told him or he’d overheard them last night. Alexia wasn’t going to say a thing until she figured out what he knew. Then, if she had to, she’d mount a defence. There was no way to explain what she’d done, not even to herself. But if Solon pushed her, she’d come up with a story. She always did.
“She will not tell me what happened. I do not like to see her hurt.” He didn’t look at her. “No good.”
She stared at her bare feet. They were cold.
His voice was a whisper as if he was talking to himself. “When I first married Christina, my family did not like her. She did everything to please them and still they thought she was not good enough. Her own family was not perfect, but I told her over and over again, I was not marrying them. She wanted everything to be good because I guess she did not have this in her family. But life is not this way. People make mistakes, others talk. Who cares? Everything passes and we go on.” He took a sip of his coffee, put the cup down. “Shame.” He turned to face her. “We Greeks are strange. Our only purpose in life is to avoid it,” he said, shaking his head. “This is what is wrong with us. Look at what happens now with the economy. People would rather kill themselves than ask their family for help. We never have this before. It is against our religion. It is against everything we know. But people do it now. They kill themselves. Our need to avoid shame runs very deep.”
He was right. Isn’t that what she’d always done? She kept up a stupid façade of being perfect. Her father bragged to his friends and colleagues about her all the time. “Alexia has never gotten into any trouble, never given me one thing to worry about. She has her head on right.” He never knew about her affairs. It was so damn hard to be so good all the time. She sometimes wished she could screw up big time and have him find out about it. Just once to see what he would do.
Solon got up and put his cup in the sink. As he walked past her, he lay his hand on her shoulder and gazed into her eyes. “If it is about Theodora, do what you think is right. We will survive. Talk to Christina and fix it. She only wants for you not to be hurt.”
He pinched her cheek the way he did with small children. His eyes were soft and forgiving.
He closed the door behind him. Alexia sat in his chair. It was warm. Maybe these people could accept her just the way she was. She shook her he
ad. She had to talk to Christina. Then, she’d talk to Theodora. She wasn’t going to continue to lie to her about who she was and what she was doing in Greece. She owed her that much at least.
Alexia folded the last shirt in the pile of clean clothes on the bed. The laundry was done and her bed remade. She swept the floor in her room, then went downstairs and knocked the sand out of her shoes, threw them outside on the front step and swept the stairs, the hallway and kitchen to make sure she’d gotten rid of everything she had tramped in. She scrubbed the kitchen counter and washed down the cupboard doors. She picked up the statue of the Acropolis and the tiny doll dressed in traditional Greek folk costume in the living room, dusted them and set them back. It was needless work, but it gave her time to think about what she would say to Christina. She’d apologize, tell her she’d been stupid to get involved with Achilles. It was over. Christina didn’t have to worry. She would tell her to stop blaming herself for what had happened between Nicolai and Dimitria. And finally, she’d set down why she was going to tell Theodora the truth.
She lay down on her bed, arms behind her head, to wait.
The door scuffed against the floor downstairs. Alexia sat up. Time to face the music. Start with an apology, she told herself. That’s always a good way. Christina is probably too mad to listen. Maybe if I act like nothing happened, it’d be better. Maybe we could go back to the way we were. When has that ever worked for this family? Don’t be an idiot. Stop trying to find an easy fix, a quick solution that you think would make everyone happy. That doesn’t work. Do the right thing. A teacher had told her once, “You know how to stick to your guns, you’re stubborn that way. That’s good. Life shouldn’t beat that out of you.”
She took the stairs two at a time and came to an abrupt stop on the bottom step. Katarina’s shopping cart sat in the middle of the narrow hallway. Christina bobbed into the cart, grabbed a bag. Katarina took a few more bags out of the cart. “If we move the cart to one side, I can help,” Alexia said.
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