A Home for Her Baby

by Eleanor Jones

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  AS ALI WALKED down into the village a fluttering panic made the breath catch in her throat. Since her “moment” with Tom she’d kept herself to herself, writing constantly and seeing no one, except for Lily, who wouldn’t stay away. Now, when Lily had finally managed to persuade her to go out, she was struggling to stay calm.

  “What’s up?” Lily asked, seeing Ali glancing around self-consciously. Her big blue eyes were round with curiosity as she skipped down the road, dressed in pale blue skinny jeans and a thick down navy jacket.

  “Nothing,” Ali insisted. “I just haven’t been out in a while that’s all... And I definitely should have worn a warmer jacket.”

  Lily pushed her hands deep into her pockets, hunching her shoulders. “Like mine?” she said, raising her eyebrows.

  “Yes, like yours...plus...” Ali held her discerning gaze for a moment. Lily might be naïve in some ways, but she also had an awareness that could be quite disconcerting.

  “Plus what?” Lily asked.

  “Oh I don’t know.” Ali increased her pace. “I guess I worry that people are talking that’s all.”

  “Talking about what?”

  Ali forced what she hoped was a carefree smile onto her face. Truth was, after her realization about the way Bobby had felt about her, she had been shaken by guilt and suddenly everyone she met seemed to be looking at her with accusation in their eyes. “Nothing... I’m just being silly,” she said. “I need to get out more.”

  “No one blames you, you know,” Lily told her in a matter-of-fact tone. “It wasn’t your fault that Bobby was in love with you.”

  “But I should have recognized that before it was too late,” Ali admitted.

  Lily stopped, taking both Ali’s hands in hers. “My mum says that you can’t change fate. It doesn’t matter how anyone felt about anyone, what happened would still have happened. Now look, here comes, oh what’s her name? You know...from the vet’s. She’s a receptionist there and you sometimes used to talk to her in the pub. Just try saying hello to her and then watch her eyes to see if there’s any blame in them.”

  “It’s Annie,” Ali hissed, feeling like this was a test of sorts as the woman’s small, brightly dressed figure drew closer.

  “Hi, you two,” Annie called. “I didn’t realize that you were back, Ali. Are you here to stay now?”

  Ali shrugged. “I’m not sure yet...although I do love Jenny Brown’s Bay.”

  “Then stay,” Annie told her. “It’s not too far to commute to the city either, if you still want to keep your job as a journalist I mean.”

  “See,” Lily whispered in her ear, making Ali smile. “No blame.” She turned toward Annie , her blue eyes totally innocent of guile. “You don’t blame Ali for Bobby’s accident do you?”

  Annie shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot. “Why...no,” she said, taken aback. “Of course not.”

  “You see,” Lily said with a happy smile, looking at Ali. “Annie doesn’t blame you and neither will anyone else.”

  “Sorry,” Ali apologized. “Lily does have a very direct way with her.”

  Annie nodded. “That’s okay... I’ve been the brunt of Lily’s questions before...and for what it’s worth I don’t think anyone really blames you...”

  “Except Ned,” cut in Lily.

  Annie’s cheeks turned a bright shade of rose. “Well...yes, but he’s just hitting out I guess. Grief often wants to lay blame.”

  On impulse Ali reached out and placed her hand on the sleeve of the woman’s red wool jacket. “Thank you,” she said. “I can see that you understand the situation and I appreciate your honesty.”

  “Everyone around here understands,” Annie told her. “You’re in the country now you know and your business is everyone’s business I’m afraid.”

  * * *

  AFTER TALKING TO ANNIE, Ali felt much more confident; she purchased the items she needed from the village shop without even wondering if the shopkeeper was judging her and, on a sudden impulse she also bought a large chocolate bar. She handed it to Lily with a warm smile when they reached The Fisherman’s Inn. “Thank you,” she said, kissing her quickly on the cheek.

  “But I haven’t done anything,” Lily said, puzzled.

  “You’ve given me some self-confidence back,” Ali told her. “And that’s worth way more than just a chocolate bar.”

  “Come and see the puppies,” Lily pleaded. “They’re in the old back kitchen so you won’t have to go into the pub, or even into Mum’s big kitchen.”

  Ali hung back, wondering if Ned was around. “Oh I don’t know,” she said cautiously.

  Lily’s forehead puckered in disappointment. “But I thought you’d got your self-confidence back,” she said.

  “And I have,” Ali declared, suddenly decided. “Lead on then, Lil.”

  * * *

  WALKING BACK TO Cove Road half an hour later, Ali felt much happier than she had in weeks. Seeing the tiny squirming puppies with their ecstatic mum had really made her smile, making her realize that life went on no matter what. The smallest of the brood, white, cute and covered in freckles with a brown patch over one eye, just like Pip’s, had really pulled at her heartstrings. In fact, if she’d been more permanently settled she’d have loved nothing better than to give it a home; it would be so nice to have a creature to care for, a little friend to keep her company.

  The timing was all wrong though, she knew that. Her goal now was to keep a low profile and finish her book, for Bobby. There was nothing else she could think of to try and show just how much she cared, and if Ned did decide to have another go at her then she’d remember what Mary said about grief needing to strike out and lay blame.

  As the days rolled by her life settled into a routine of endless writing. She saw hardly anyone except Lily and occasionally Tom. On the days when he dropped by, always unexpectedly, she would ask him all the questions she had stored up in her head, about Bobby and his childhood and what it was like to grow up with fishing in your blood.

  It was strange the way they were together, never awkward but just professional and businesslike, like two work colleagues with a common purpose. For Ali it felt as if their “moment” had never been and she knew that was for the best, but sometimes, when she lay in her bed at night, all alone and struggling to sleep, if-only’s would fill her head, flooding her veins with regret.

  Apart from Tom’s occasional visits, Ali’s main link with humanity and life was through Lily, who turned up most days with a bright smile on her face, retelling amusing conversations she’d overheard in the pub and relaying snippets of gossip. She liked to talk about Tom, too, and her clumsy attempts at matchmaking made Ali smile, even though she knew it was too late for them.

  For once though Lily hadn’t called in and Ali had spent the whole Friday alone. As the long day drew to a close she stared blankly at her computer screen, blinking away the fatigue in her eyes as her thoughts turned to Tom. Anticipation fluttered as she remembered that Friday was one of the days he sometimes stopped by on his way home from work. Would he call in today? Did she want him to? A pulse beat in her throat as she remembered their “moment.” She usually tried not to think about it but somehow today she couldn’t get it out of her mind.

  * * *

  OUTSIDE HER WINDOW she could see the sun sinking toward the horizon. A cluster of fluffy white clouds, rimmed with red, drifted across the blue-gray sky, and the incoming sea shimmered as it rippled up the sand. Closing her laptop she blinked, rubbing her eyes as she stood up. Her phone jangled harshly in the silence and when Jake’s name jumped out at her she almost dismissed the call; he was the last person she needed to talk to. With a sigh she pressed the accept button. “Jake, I really haven’t got anything to say to you,” she began.

  For a moment there was silence on the line. “What do you mean?” he eventually
asked.

  “I told you, Jake, we’re over. I want a divorce and I’ve already spoken to a lawyer.”

  “What, so this really is it. I thought you just needed a bit of time to cool down.”

  Ali took a breath, realizing with astonishment that she felt totally detached from him, as if all the turmoil he’d put her through had never even happened. She liked the feeling. “Actually, Jake, I had no cooling down to do,” she said. “I’m not even angry with you anymore and I really do have nothing to say to you.”

  When the line went dead she just sat for a moment, listening to the silence with a sense of triumph. She was over him, totally and finally without any lingering anger. It felt like a new beginning. And perhaps when she’d finished her book and finally put Bobby to rest she’d find there was a way forward for her. Perhaps she’d finally be able to let the past go and get on with living her life.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  TOM AND NED worked in silence on The Sea Hawk, preparing her for the following week’s fishing trip. Dressed in thick quilted jackets and gloves to keep out the cold, they struggled to sort through their fishing gear; when Ned cursed with frustration it occurred to Tom just how much things between them had changed over the last weeks. They used to laugh and joke together when they were working, despite the cold, but for ages now there’d been a barrier between them when they’d once been so close; it hurt, if he was honest, and it was about time he tried to do something about it.

  “What is it with you, Ned?” he asked in a determinedly casual tone. “Ever since...ever since the accident you’ve had some kind of chip on your shoulder, but don’t you think it’s about time you got over it? Nothing will bring Bobby back and we have to get on with our lives you know.”

  “Well you certainly are,” Ned snapped.

  Tom fought back a rush of anger. “If this is still about Ali then it’s time you let it go. She has her demons to deal with, too.”

  “She deserves everything she gets... It’s you who’s the fool but you just can’t see it.”

  Ignoring Ned’s remark Tom put away his tools and picked up his bag. “I’m off home,” he said but his brother stepped in front of him, blocking his way.

  “So is that it?” he exclaimed. “Aren’t you even going to give me an argument?”

  “Don’t you think that we’ve already suffered way too much,” Tom said, shaking his head sadly, “Why would I want to fight with you? Okay, I can see that you’re still bitter about Ali and you’re entitled to your opinion. I don’t agree with you but that’s as far as it goes.”

  “You have to admit that there must have been something going on between her and Bobby,” Ned went on, refusing to drop the subject. “Let’s face it, Tom, it was her fault that our brother died so how can you even speak to her...and I know you do?”

  “Lily speaks to Ali all the time and you never say anything to her.”

  “Lily’s a law unto herself. She doesn’t think like we do.”

  “What, you mean she takes people for who they are with no prejudgment?”

  A flush of color ran up Ned’s neck, disappearing into his thick dark beard. “Look,” he said. “I’m sorry, Tom, but I just can’t seem to get past it... I mean, do you trust her...honestly?”

  “Yes,” Tom said. “I do.”

  “What, without even a glimmer of doubt?”

  “No... I mean... Yes.”

  “You see,” cried Ned in triumph. “You do have doubts.”

  “You’re talking rubbish,” Tom told him. “I’m off home.”

  As he headed for Cove Road, Tom went over and over their conversation. Ali had told him the truth the day he’d confronted her, he was sure of it...wasn’t he? The answer came instantly; of course he did... Yet still he walked slowly, his head going round in circles. It was Ned who was putting doubts in his mind again...

  As he dropped down into the cove where the row of terraced cottages sat right by the shore, he stopped to stare at the scene that never failed to lift his spirits. Way up ahead of him the evening sun was setting, outlining the purple-gray clouds with crimson edges and turning the sea that stirred the sand into a shimmering frothy mass of molten gold. The windows of Ali’s cottage glinted gold, too, he noticed, seeming to wink at him, and he found himself walking toward her front door. He had intended to give calling in on her a miss tonight after Ned had messed with his head but he needed to see her, needed to know that his gut feeling about her was true and she’d been totally honest with him about Bobby.

  * * *

  TOM KNOCKED ON the door of Number Three and then knocked harder. He tried the door and when it opened to his touch he walked into the hallway, calling her name. Ali was often too engrossed in her writing to hear his knock and he’d gotten into the habit of just walking in when he stopped in on his way home, or when he was looking for Lily.

  Today she was sitting at the kitchen table as usual, but her laptop was closed in front of her and she looked different, numb and distracted. “What’s up,” he asked.

  She glanced at him her eyes wide with surprise. “It’s just hit me that I’m getting divorced I guess,” she said. “Jake, my husband, rang and I felt nothing for him. It all seems like such a waste.”

  “But if you really are over him with no regrets then isn’t that a good thing. Perhaps you should be celebrating.”

  She shook her head determinedly. “No...not yet anyway, maybe when the divorce is final and my book’s finished.”

  “How long were you married?” As the words left his lips Tom immediately wished that he could retract them. He never asked Ali personal questions when he called in. Mostly they just talked about Bobby and their childhood in Jenny Brown’s Bay for her book. In a way, the closeness that had grown between them because of Bobby now seemed to have pushed them further apart, making him feel as if anything more personal between them would be a blot on his brother’s memory.

  Today though, hearing Ali talk about her husband and divorce changed things; this wasn’t all about Bobby anymore, it was about two people dealing with the crises life had flung at them. A woman whose marriage had gone wrong and whose friendship had ended in tragedy, and a man—for a moment Tom thought about himself, trying to be honest—a man who was struggling to come to terms with so many demons and shifting emotions that included his feelings for a woman who was wrong for him. Talking to her about Bobby had brought back his brother’s bright, caring, fun personality, bringing him and Ali very close. Deep down he wished that closeness was more than just friendship; he wanted to hold her, to make her a part of his life. Those feelings were buried though, deep down inside and that was where they had to stay.

  “Two years,” she said. “We were married for two years.”

  “And it really is over?” He couldn’t help the lightening of his voice as he asked her the question.

  “Yes,” she said. “It really is over... How can you believe that you love someone and make promises and vows that are supposed to last forever when it all turns out to have been a sham?”

  Tom shrugged, feeling helpless. “I don’t know.”

  “So how do you ever know that what you feel for someone really is love...? How can you know if it’s going to last?”

  Seeing the intensity in her face Tom recognized with a sudden jolt just how strong his feelings for her were; and that was why he had to keep his distance. “I guess you just follow your gut,” he said.

  She nodded slowly, looking up at him. “I suppose I followed my gut instinct coming back here.”

  “I’m glad you did,” he said without thinking. “I mean, I think it was the right thing for you to do.”

  “Even though all your family’s heartache was caused by me?”

  “It’s down to fate, not you,” he told her. “And at least you’re trying to help by writing the book.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “I
t means a lot...and thanks for your input.”

  Tom placed his hand on her shoulder; the warmth of her skin beneath his palm, through the thin stuff of her shirt, made his heart rate quicken. “I’m just glad I could help,” he said. “And for what it’s worth I think the book is a great idea.”

  Ali reached up her hand to cover his fingers momentarily with hers. “Getting to know Bobby so well through his story has made me feel even worse about what happened, to be honest,” she admitted. “He had so much life to live.”

  A heavy silence fell between them then. Tom was the first to speak “Look, Ali...what’s done is done and we have to get past it and move on in the best way we can, just like you with your marriage I suppose. You can’t give up on life, or love, just because you’ve been hurt. Life’s too short.”

  On a sudden impulse Ali stood, reaching up to kiss him gently on the cheek. “I know,” she said. “And thanks for reminding me.”

  Remembering that kiss as he walked toward the pub half an hour later, Tom touched his fingers to the place where her lips had been. It was the kiss of a friend, that was all he told himself. And that was how it had to stay.

  * * *

  WHEN TOM ARRIVED at The Fisherman’s Inn Lily was waiting impatiently, jumping from foot to foot like a five-year-old. She beckoned to him to follow her round the back and he laughed. “What’s with all the cloak-and-dagger stuff?”

  Opening the door into the old back kitchen where the puppies were she gave him her most beseeching smile. “You know what you said about the puppies,” she began. “About giving one to Ali, I mean. I thought perhaps it should be the freckled one with the brown patch over its eye. She liked it best when I brought her to see them.”