Ali sank down into the chair opposite. “I’m pregnant,” she announced. The words made it seem so real that she felt the beginnings of panic. “At least... I’ve done a test, two tests in fact.”
“And both were positive.”
Ali nodded, too emotional to speak.
Doctor Moss smiled gently, noting her consternation. “And I take it this has come as a shock?”
“Just a bit... My husband and I split up over five months ago.”
The doctor scribbled notes down on her pad. “And is your ex-husband the father?”
Ali nodded again. “He doesn’t know yet but the baby definitely is his.”
“Okay,” Doctor Moss looked at Ali, and for one panicky moment, Ali wondered if the doctor knew who she was. Jenny Brown’s Bay was a small place, after all. She might have heard the rumors about Bobby’s death. But the doctor merely motioned her through to a small side room.
“If you’d just like to slip out of your things in here and pop the gown on I’ll give you an examination. We’ll need a urine sample, too, but we can get that later.”
Lying on her back on the examination table, feeling nervous and uncomfortable, Ali almost grabbed her clothes and ran.
Doctor Moss was quick to return from her preparations. “Now,” she said in a calm voice. “You don’t need to worry. Just relax as much as you can and it will be over in no time.”
The examination was embarrassing, uncomfortable rather than painful and thankfully soon over. Ali hurriedly dressed and returned to sit opposite the doctor, trying to take deep, regular breaths.
Doctor Moss looked up from her notes, smiling warmly. “Well,” she said. “You are definitely pregnant and everything seems to be as it should.”
Ali nodded. “I feel like such a naïve fool. I’ve had so much going on though and my periods have never been regular. I just didn’t realize... So what now?”
“I do still want you to go and give a urine sample today. Nurse Kate will show you where to go. I’ll make an appointment for you with a midwife and you need to see a consultant for more tests. I’ll put all that in motion today and you’ll probably get an appointment at the hospital very soon since you are so far along with your pregnancy. Have you noticed any movement yet?”
Ali nodded. “Just a kind of fluttering feeling really.”
“That’s fine. And any pregnancy symptoms...nausea, cravings...”
“Not that I’ve noticed.”
“And do you have any questions or worries?”
Ali gave her the ghost of a smile. “Plenty of worries but no...no questions.”
“And you are in a position to deal with all this? Do you have any support?”
“Yes...” Ali lied, biting her bottom lip. “I’ll be fine.”
“Well you’re young and healthy,” the doctor said, holding out her hand, “so there’s no reason why everything shouldn’t be very straightforward... If you do have any worries though don’t hesitate to call me.”
Ali took hold of her proffered hand, wanting to cling on to it but instead she shook hands briefly and smiled. “Thank you,” she said. “I will.”
Back home, in the cottage, Ali sat with the pup in her arms, trying to take in the fact that she really was pregnant; her whole life was about to change dramatically, again, and there was nothing she could do about it. She’d just go on as she was. It was the only way—tell no one in town and say nothing. People would find out soon enough, that was for sure, and she’d deal with the curious looks and tittle-tattle then...but what to tell Tom?
Her heart tightened and a heavy misery swelled inside her. Today he wanted to know how she really felt about him; what was she going to say? She couldn’t avoid him forever.
The day dragged on. Every sound made Ali jump. Her whole being was tuned in to the sound of his voice calling her name, his knock on the door. And when it came she panicked, just as she had in the morning.
TOM WALKED SLOWLY homeward with the pup under his arm. They’d had a good day, he and Ned, even talked about stuff from the past. They were finally getting back to some kind of normality and he was about to break it; did he really want that? He should probably back off with Ali, explain the situation; she’d understand. The way his whole body shivered with longing when he thought about her said differently.
“I don’t know, Snow,” he said. “What do you think I should do?” The pup whined in response and he scratched the backs of its ears. “What was that, boy?” Snow whined again, louder, and he laughed. “Ah, so you think the same as me. Okay then we will call in again on our way home.”
Her car was there, he could see it in its usual parking place. With a surge of anticipation he knocked three times. No reply. She had to be in...surely. “Ali!” he called through the letter box. “Ali! What’s going on? At least speak to me.”
When he thumped on the door again it slowly opened, just a crack. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Tom pushed his foot into the gap. Her face was pale and strained looking, tears streaked her cheeks. “Ali,” he cried. “What is it?”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I...I can’t do this.”
“What, Ali? Do what?”
She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Us,” she cried. “I can’t do us right now.”
When he tried to take her in his arms she pulled away from him. “I’m sorry, Tom,” she cried.
“But why?” he groaned, feeling as if his heart was being torn out.
“It’s the wrong time... Please...you need to go now.”
The door shut and Tom found himself walking away from the happy future he’d thought lay ahead of him.
“Oh Snowy,” he murmured when the little dog reached up to lick his chin as if in sympathy. “What do I do now?”
He already knew the answer to his question, and by the time he’d reached his own front door he admitted it to himself. He had to back off and keep his distance for a while, and who knew...maybe their time would come eventually. One thing was for sure; after she’d made her feelings so clear he wasn’t going to start chasing after her. The sad thing was that he’d really believed her answer to his question was going to be very different.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
IT WAS MIDAFTERNOON by the time Grace Roberts and Lily had finished the lunchtime rush. Grace smiled as her daughter hurried to dry her hands and take off her apron.
“Can I go now, Mum?” she asked.
“It depends on where you’re going,” Grace said.
Lily shrugged, looking sheepish. “Just to take Pip for a walk.”
Grace raised her eyebrows. “To see Ali Nicholas I suppose?”
“Might be,” Lily responded defensively.
“Oh Lil, I know you too well for you to try and pull the wool over my eyes. I don’t mind you seeing Ali, I’ve already told you that. Just don’t be too long and be careful on the road.”
“I’m always careful,” Lily insisted. “I’m not a kid anymore, you know, Mum.”
Grace’s round face puckered. “I know love, you’ll be eighteen very soon and that’s grown up.”
Watching her daughter, as she walked off down the road with Pip running along beside her on a lead, she couldn’t help but sigh. Lily might think she was all grown up and she had to let her believe that. Truth was she would always be a child and Grace would never stop worrying about her until the day she died.
* * *
AT COVE COTTAGES Ali was trying to concentrate on writing but her thoughts were all over the place. In a couple of days she had an appointment for her scan and no one but she would see the picture of her baby growing inside her; it made her feel so alone that she wanted to cry. In fact she felt tearful quite a lot lately.
Since she’d spoken to Tom that day he’d done as she asked and stayed away. Trouble was she really missed him, but how could ther
e ever be anything between them when she was having another man’s child? She had far too much time on her hands, time in which to brood and speculate on her loneliness and worry...and on what might have been. Come to think of it, the only person she’d really seen since her doctor’s appointment, apart from the woman who worked in the village store, was Lily.
Without Lily keeping her head straight these last few days, popping in on a regular basis to see Freckles and chat about normal things, Ali didn’t know what she’d have done. Even Lily was becoming curious, about the secretive way she was behaving.
“You look worried, Ali,” she’d said a couple of days earlier and, “You look so tired. Are you ill?”
For a moment Ali had almost broken down and told Lily the truth; to be able to share her troubles would be such a relief. Instead she’d just complained of a headache, which hadn’t seemed to convince the girl at all. Just yesterday Ali had caught her staring at her with a speculative expression, as if trying to work out what was going on. Lily may be different but she wasn’t stupid, it was only a matter of time until she worked it out for herself, and she’d be so hurt to find out that Ali hadn’t trusted her with her secret.
A knock on the door brought her from her reverie. Pip raced through to greet the visitor and for just a moment Ali’s heart lifted; could it be Tom?
“Ali,” called Lily from the hallway. “Are you in?”
“Come through,” Ali called. “I’m in the kitchen.”
Lily appeared in the doorway with Pip at her heels, stopping in the doorway and stepping nervously from foot to foot. She looked so young... Beneath her thick quilted jacket her slim legs, encased in black woolen tights, seemed too skinny to support her, and with her long fair hair tied back neatly into two plaits she could have passed for a twelve-year-old.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
Ali forced a smile. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because there’s something wrong with you,” Lily said determinedly. “And I can always tell when there’s something wrong with people.”
“Well you don’t need to worry about me,” Ali announced, jumping up to put the kettle on. “And this time you’re wrong, I’m afraid... Do you want tea?”
“Juice please,” Lily replied, watching with a curious frown as Ali moved around the kitchen. “You’ve got fatter,” she said bluntly.
Ali stopped, wrapping her arms self-consciously around her body; the self-control she’d been carefully nurturing disintegrated and tears oozed from her eyes as she sank down onto a chair. “I’m...I’m having a baby, Lily, but it’s got to be our secret.”
Lily’s face lit up with excitement. “But that’s brilliant,” she cried. “So why are you crying and why does it have to be a secret? Everyone will know soon anyway because they’ll be able to see, and isn’t it supposed to be good news, finding out that you are having a baby?”
Ali dropped her face into her hands. “I don’t know, Lily. It may sound terrible but it doesn’t really feel like a good thing to me. In fact, to be honest, I don’t know what to think. I didn’t know myself until a few days ago and it’s come as a shock... I...I’ve got a scan in a couple of days. Please don’t tell anyone though...not just yet.”
“Does Tom know?” Lily asked.
Ali shook her head. “I haven’t told anyone so no one knows...except you.”
Lily smiled. “I like that. I like us having a secret. When will it be born?”
Placing her hand on her belly Ali stroked it gently. “Not for a while yet,” she said thoughtfully, then she looked up at Lily. “Will you come to the scan with me?”
“Come to the scan,” Lily repeated in awe. “Me?”
“I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have there.”
“Is that when they take a picture of the baby in your tummy?”
Ali nodded, waiting for her answer. When it came she breathed a sigh of relief, feeling that she wasn’t totally alone.
“I’d really, really, love to come,” Lily cried. “Can I tell Tom? He’s good at secrets.”
“No!” A surge of panic flooded over Ali. “I don’t want you to tell anyone.”
“Okay,” Lily agreed, “but what shall I tell Mum?”
Ali thought for a moment, not wanting to encourage her to lie. “It’s at ten o’clock the day after tomorrow so why don’t you just tell her that we’re going to take the dogs out somewhere, and we will take them with us in the car so we are telling the truth.”
Lily grinned. “That’s clever. Mum says I must never lie to her. ‘Me and Ali are taking the dogs out somewhere,’” she repeated as if trying to keep the words in her head, and then she jumped up and went across to where Pip was playing with Freckles. Clipping on her lead, she headed toward the door. “I have to go now,” she said reluctantly, “but I’ll come back to see you tomorrow...oh and, Ali?”
When she stopped at the door Ali smiled encouragingly. “Yes?”
“Who’s the baby’s daddy?”
“Why...” Heat rushed up Ali’s neck, flooding her cheeks. “My husband of course... Jake.”
“But I thought you liked Tom.”
“I do...like Tom. Of course I do. It...it’s complicated.”
“So are you going away soon then, to live with him again?”
Ali shook her head, wondering how to explain it to someone who saw things as simply as Lily. “No,” she said. “I’m staying here. We tried to give our marriage another chance but it didn’t work out.”
“And you got pregnant.”
“Yes, stupidly, I did, but I’ve only just realized it.”
“So can I still come with you to see the baby’s picture?”
“Of course you can.”
Lily nodded happily, heading for the door again. “That’s all right then,” she said.
“And don’t forget,” Ali called after her. “Not a word to anyone.”
Lily turned back to look at her, her fingers pressed firmly against her lips.
To Ali’s disappointment Lily didn’t show the next day, and she almost wished that she hadn’t broken down and shared her secret with someone so young. To ask Lily to keep something from her mother wasn’t fair. She almost expected Tom to come hammering on her door, asking questions, or even Ned; he was sure to think that the baby was Bobby’s.
The day passed uneventfully, however, dragging relentlessly by. Ali watched for Tom on his way to work and back, longing to speak to him, but he didn’t even look in the direction of her cottage as he walked past.
“Oh Freckles,” she said to the bright-eyed little pup whose zest for life and neediness motivated her to get up and go outside into the fresh air. “What would I do without you to keep me busy?”
The day of the scan dawned bleak and gray, reflecting Ali’s mood. She ate sparsely, forcing down some toast. It looked like she was going to have to go on her own after all, she thought, watching hopefully for Lily.
She was ready to set off and was just settling Freckles in the back of the car when, to her delight, Lily finally arrived. Her normally pale face was pink with exertion and today she wore lipstick and a bright blue dress that made her look very grown up.
“Sorry I’m late,” Lily called. “Shall I put Pip in with Freckles?”
“Oh yes...” Ali said. “To be honest I thought you weren’t coming.”
Lily stopped and looked at her quizzically. “And were you happy or sad?”
“What...about you coming with me to the hospital, you mean?”
“Were you happy?” Lily asked again. “When you thought you were going on your own?”
Ali smiled. “What do you think?”
“I think I’d have been very sad if you’d gone without me.”
“And I was very sad when I thought you weren’t coming... Now jump in and let’s go get this
baby’s picture taken.”
Lily chattered endlessly all the way to the hospital, about how she’d helped her mum bake cakes yesterday and how the pub had been so busy at lunchtime that she hadn’t been able to call in on Ali. “Tom was there all day, too,” she added.
“What?” Ali asked. “Making cakes you mean?”
The idea brought a gurgling giggle up Ali’s throat and Lily let out a snort.
“No...of course not, he was doing some business with Dad and Ned. I think it was to do with Bobby because they all looked very sad... I didn’t tell him about the baby but I wanted to. He’d probably help you if you told him, you know.”
“I don’t want him to know about the baby and I don’t need any help,” insisted Ali. “Except from you of course,” she finished, relieved to see a smile replace Lily’s hurt expression. “I really didn’t want to come here on my own.”
The hospital maternity unit was busy; women ranging from teens to early forties waited patiently, cradling their bulging stomachs. Finally a young nurse holding a clipboard called out, “Ali Nicholas.”
* * *
FOR LILY, seeing the baby’s image on the screen above the bed where Ali lay was magical. Ali stared at it in awe, moved to the core by the reality of the child she carried.
“Do you want to know the gender?” asked the nurse.
Ali glanced across at Lily, who nodded in excitement. “Yes,” she said. “Yes please.”
“Well,” said the nurse. “As far as I can tell, and remember it can never be one hundred percent certain...you are having a little girl.”
Lily squeezed Ali’s hand when she saw the tears in her eyes.
“A girl,” Ali repeated. “I’m having a girl.”
* * *
ALI LEFT THE hospital feeling as if she was walking on air.
“That was amazing,” announced Lily, dancing round in circles. “Please can she be called Daisy?”
“We’ll see,” Ali promised, already trying out the name in her head. Daisy... She liked that.
Before dropping Lily off outside the pub, Ali reminded her yet again not to say anything.
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