Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  “Look, this is between you and I, okay?”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “I need some advice . . . umm . . . I’ve changed a lot since we first started going out, and well . . . things are just different between us now. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve been going through some personal stuff and I feel like I need to get to know myself better.”

  “I totally understand. It just seems like you guys are really happy together. You’re the perfect couple, everyone says so.”

  “Yeah, it looks that way from the outside, but shit gets complicated sometimes. I want to explore new things on my own this year and see where it goes. I’m thinking about telling her that I want to take a break. Actually I’m planning to tell her next week. I feel really bad about it because she hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s me.”

  I felt sorry for him, and could tell his emotions were in a volatile state. I knew this was a huge decision he was making and wanted to help any way I could. That’s when I told him about my decision to come out, hoping it would inspire him. “Finding out who you are, and being brave enough to actually do it is difficult. Sadly, most of the time the people around us are temporally hurt by it. When I came out in tenth grade I was seeing a girl I had been friends with since the fourth grade. She had been crushing on me all through middle school and finally asked me to be her boyfriend.

  I let things get out of control when I said yes. I said yes because my friends thought she was really hot, which she was, and still is, if you’re straight. They all wanted to be her bae, so that pressured me into saying yes, which resulted in giving me tons of street cred. We went together for just over three months until I couldn’t take it anymore. She was the first person I outed myself to besides Chris and Jamie. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I had to be honest with myself, and to her, so we could get on with our lives. My only advice is to be honest with Leah. She’ll probably go ballistic and hate you for a while, but once she sees there isn’t another girl, I think she’ll understand. Both of you will get through it in time.”

  “I hope you’re right. Sometimes I feel like I’m sliding off the edge, know what I mean?”

  “Oh yeah, I’ve definitely been there on more than one occasion. But, it’s important to work through personal stuff so you won’t feel that way.”

  “Thanks Jayden.”

  “Anytime.”

  “I knew you were the guy who could help me deal with this. I really appreciate it. We need to hang out more. I think you’re a great guy.” My heart was pounding through my chest by this time. “Thanks. It would be cool getting to know each other.”

  We were a couple of buildings away from the entrance when Cody said, “I heard about you and Zack breaking up. I’m sorry man.”

  “Thanks. It hurts, but I know we weren’t meant for each other.”

  “It sucks when things don’t work out. I’m here if you ever need to talk,” he said, and then put his arm around my shoulder. His body touching mine woke up every atom in me. “Thanks, that means a lot. Breaking up with Zack was the right thing to do. He wanted to control my whole life because he was insecure and jealous. It got fucking crazy at the end, believe me. Relationships aren’t supposed to be that way.”

  “For sure. If two people really like each other, the jealousy shit should never happen. If you were my boyfriend, I would never treat you that way. You’re a great guy. Zack must have been too much of an asshole to see that.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but I heard it loud and clear. ‘If I were his boyfriend, he’d never treat me that way.’ I wanted to kiss those gorgeous lips and tell him I would love to be his boyfriend, but I took a deep breath instead. “That is sweet of you to say. Thanks.”

  He gave me this adorable grin, “Anytime.”

  The party was going full force when we got back. Chris, Ty, and Harper stealthily followed us into the great room and joined us while we filled our plates again. Chris couldn’t hold back. “Where did you guys wander off too? I hope it wasn’t us that made you want to leave.”

  He had this sarcastic grin going while waiting for a response. Cody answered before I had a chance to. “I want to get to know Jayden better, so I asked him if we could talk.”

  “Cool. He’s one of the nicest guys you could ever know.”

  “You’re right about that,” Cody said, while putting his arm around my shoulder again. I thought Chris was going to choke on his food. The looks on everyone’s faces said everything. I tried to calm their minds down. “Stop it or my ego will get bigger than it already is.”

  Things got somewhat back to normal a few minutes later when other people joined the conversation. Jamie came in from the terrace with Julie and two other female fans and started talking to Cody about the Soccer and Lacrosse teams, hoping the girls would get bored. Of course they didn’t, especially with two hunky jocks oozing male hormones all over the place, so Harper and Carlos came to the rescue and commandeered them back out to the terrace.

  The party atmosphere became more and more animated as the night went on.

  I had to laugh when Jamie and Chris got me alone at different times and tried to get me to confess what really happened. I think Jamie was a little jealous. “How come you guys left the party? I was worried about you.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. Cody needed to talk to someone, so I said no problem.”

  “Oh. Is everything all right?”

  “I think it’s getting there.”

  “Is he in some kind of trouble?”

  “I promised that I’d keep our conversation private. I’m sorry.”

  “No, that’s cool. I respect that.”

  I thanked Jamie for understanding, and apologized for leaving him alone. I felt terrible because he was my date, and I know I hurt his feelings.

  Chris cornered me a few minutes later and wanted all the dirt. “Did he give you tongue? Did you grab his junk?” I laughed. “I love your imagination. No and no.”

  “Awe, that’s too bad. Wouldn’t it be lit if he’s a closet case just waiting to break down the door? I can hear him singing some gay show tune.”

  “You wish. That’s not it at all.”

  “Come on, spill.”

  “What he told you was the truth, honest.”

  “So, you’re going to be like that. I’ll get you to talk at some point. I saw your puppy dog eyes eying that fine bubble ass of his as you guys left.”

  “Come on Chris, leave it alone. But I know what you mean, he’s so fucking fine. What a specimen.” He looked down at my crotch and laughed. “You better cover that thing up before Cody notices.” We both smiled as I turned towards the wall.

  After I got home I was lying in bed wondering what kind of personal crisis Cody was going through. Did he like another girl and Leah was in the way? Was something bad going on at home? Then I started thinking about what Chris humorously said. Was he gay and finally figuring it out?

  No way. That’s just the gay boy fantasy we all have. In fact, I was sure that wasn’t it because I had unintentionally given him an avenue to talk about it when I told him my coming out story.

  I’m sure he’ll work things out. Anyway, it is gunna be cool to hang out together if he’s really serious about wanting to. I hope he is. I need a good dream tonight.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 5

  Chris

  I just got home from SoHo a few minutes ago. Definitely had an interesting morning at my mother’s gallery. Fashion Week is coming up so she wanted to review the new clothing lines Jamie, Jayden, and I are going to model. Can’t wait to get back on the runway again. I like having this other life, and making my parents proud of me.

  I’m not really into the celebrity thing like I was a few years ago. It’s kinda funny when I look back on it, because I thought I was hot shit in eighth grade, especially after I was on the cover of Teen Vogue Magazine. I have to admit, it was the most perfect pic of me cruising down the runway all serious and intense
. The photographer caught me in my zone, that place I go to find perfection. It was the first time I was truly able to see what I looked like walking down that runway. I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

  I was into the skater look back then, and my mother noticed, saying I inspired her. I was wearing her new clothing line, EGS (Emo, Goth, Skater), so I had them do my makeup to reflect the combination of those styles: heavy dark mascara with bluish-purple tones, white base highlighted with subtle dark streaks to accentuate my cheekbones and jaw line.

  My haircut was lit too. The stylist buzzed my sides to highlight a fifties style pompadour with spiky bangs that covered my right eye. I had the perfect emaciated look going, which made my skinny body look even more food deprived. I was also carrying a skateboard laminated with pictures of hot anime guys. I thought I had achieved nirvana because I had attained fucking rock star status the day after the magazine hit the Internet and bookstores. My social media went wild with hot guys and girls complimenting my look, and of course wanting to hook up. Shit, I was only thirteen when all this happened.

  Then things got all weird after Jayden showed the cover to people at school. Get this, all these girls asked for my autograph and said they wanted to be my bae. The attention was exciting for a while, but then it got annoying. I also found out who my real friends were. People just wanted to be seen with me to elevate their social status and get invited to celebrity parties. The whole situation really fucked with my head, so I had a heart to heart with my mother. She gave me sound advice about not taking the fame thing too seriously, how to keep a low profile, and making sure I keep my true friends close. So that’s what I did, and things have been good ever since.

  The other thing that helped was talking Jayden and Jamie into modeling with me. They became hot commodities too when the three of us made it on the cover of Teen Vogue the following spring. They’re naturals at modeling, especially Jamie. He’s beast on the runway and fucking hot as hell. It’s entertaining to watch older women hit on him after a show, and at the parties we have to attend. I guess cougars love the tall blond, blue-eyed athletic types. You are fucking hot Jamie!! And so are you Jayden.

  Yeah. So . . . umm, I ended up having brunch with my mother and her designers so we could discuss runway strategies and all the promotional shit that goes with Fashion Week, and beyond. They were giving me their ideas for the look they’re after for each of us. I thought it was hot, and made a few suggestions of my own after seeing the designs. I can’t wait to let the guys know, and to start rehearsing the new choreography.

  Got concert tickets for One OK Rock next month. I’ve been waiting for like a year for them to announce their American tour, and it finally happened last night. I also got tickets for Jayden, Jamie, and Harper. Can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when they find out. They despise most forms of grunge rock, especially screamo. I’m making them go so they can hear for themselves how diverse and melodic their music actually is. It’s going to be fucking lit seeing my favorite group and partying the night away with my besties.

  Had a great time at Harper’s party, like always. I love that she does this because it sets a positive tone for the beginning of school. It felt even more special for some reason, at least for me. This is our last year together before we start heading in different directions, so hanging out as much as we can is important.

  I picked up some killer bud for the occasion, so Ty and I were feeling heavenly by the time we got there. There’s just something about being high and being with friends. It makes me feel like a little kid. You know, no responsibilities, just innocent fun. I never wanna lose that feeling. It’s a whole lot better than drinking. I like a glass of wine every now and then, but I’m not into beer or liquor. I had a hangover once. Never again. I smoked a half a blunt a few minutes ago so I’m probably just rambling right now. I can never write as fast as I can think, so hopefully this makes sense. Yeah, weed makes me fucking horny too. I’ve been having lots of fun with Ty, if you get my drift.

  Confession Time. I lost my virginity to him a few weeks ago. We didn’t plan it or anything, it just kind of happened, but I’m glad it was with him because it felt right. Ty was gentle and caring, and I was scared outta my mind because I didn’t know what I was doing. I’ve done lots of kissing and touching, and even sucked a few guys off, but that’s been it. We’d been doing all those things for a while but decided to take it to the next level. The whole first time thing was not how I fantasized it would be; it was ten times better.

  Sadly, that wasn’t the case for Ty. A few weeks after we started dating he told me that he wasn’t a virgin. He said he lost it to a guy named Adrian when he was in ninth grade, and that it fucked him up for a long time. This Adrian tool was a senior and a friend of Ty’s older brother. He pretended to be gay and then took advantage of Ty’s crush and talked him into having anal sex. He even gave Ty the whole “I love you” speech, and he fell for it. They had sex a few times and then Adrian completely ignored him. You know, stopped coming over, wouldn’t return his texts, unfriended him.

  Ty finally saw him at school kissing a girl at his locker, so he confronted him. Adrian pretended that he didn’t know him and called him a delusional queer in front of everyone, and then threatened to beat the shit out of him if he didn’t leave. A few days later Adrian called Ty and semi-apologized. He confessed that he was straight and just wanted to know what it felt like to fuck another guy. How fucked up is that? It messed with him so much that he transferred to our school.

  Ty said I am the only one who knows about it, and I’ve promised not to say anything because he is still ashamed. It’s a sick fucking world at times. I’d fucking run over that asshole if I ever saw him on the street. Ty said it took him a long time to trust guys after that. Now I’m getting depressed. Give me a few minutes . . .

  So . . . umm . . . the party. We got to Harper’s around eight-thirty. She opened the door, looked at us with that ‘you guys are so stoned’ look, and then gave us hugs. We giggled.

  Megan, Emma, and Sydney were there. So were Ryan, Johnny, Carlos, and Vann. All smokin hot, especially Ryan. I wish that boy were gay because I’d be all over him. I’ve seen him naked in the locker room, and oh yeah, he’s packing. And those fucking sexy hot V-lines . . . mmm.

  He looked at us, shook his head, and started laughing. Carlos did the same. “Well, how are the munchy twins tonight?” he asked. “You know you guys don’t always have to get stoned to have a good time. Don’t you like us? I mean, are we that bad that you have to get high whenever we’re together?”

  I didn’t care for the lecture. “Come on man, you know it isn’t that.” He was bringing me down real fast. “Look, I just worry about you guys,” Carlos said, looking upset. Harper stepped in at that point. “Let’s just have some fun tonight, okay?” Carlos apologized and gave me a hug. I told him I was sorry too.

  Everyone else started showing up a few minutes later. I was surprised that Cody had come solo, and wondered if he and Leah had a fight. They are always together. He told us that she had to entertain relatives all weekend.

  Jayden and Jamie finally showed up a half hour later. They looked so cute together. I’d love to see them become a couple. When you guys read this, think about it. I was glad they came. “Hey, it’s about time you guys got here. I was starting to get worried you wouldn’t show up,” I said, knowing Jayden was still feeling down about the whole Zack thing. Then I noticed something lit; they were holding hands. “We’re on a bromance date,” Jayden said.

  “Cool. Very romantic.” They gave me shy smiles. “It’s just a bromance thing,” Jamie emphasized.

  “Sure. I get it.” I thought to myself, Jamie is finally coming out and they’re gunna start dating. But it looked like that idea went out the window a few minutes later when I saw Jayden and Cody heading towards the foyer. Jayden gave me this look like ‘this fine specimen of a god wants me’ and then they were gone.

  I looked around for Jamie to find out what was goi
ng on, but I don’t think he knew Jayden had left because he was busy fending off a flock of hungry females.

  Jayden and Cody reappeared twenty minutes later, so I started maneuvering my way over to Jayden to find out what was up, but Jamie beat me to it. I was able to get him alone a little while later, hoping he would spill, but no such luck. His lips were sealed. But hey, I guess I don’t blame him.

  So anyway, it was a great night to be alive because I was with the people I love most.

  Later

  JOURNAL ENTRY 6

  Jamie

  Things always get so fucking confusing for some reason. My emotions are all over the place because of fucking pressure. Right now there are four aggressive females at school trying to be my bae. I’m trying to get to know Leo, and I’m thinking about coming out to him if things go well. And I have deep feelings for Jayden too, always have, but I’m afraid to tell him because it could really mess up our friendship. I’m starting to get claustrophobic in my closet and I don’t know what to do.

  I want to come out, but how do I do it? My dad obviously wants a straight son, and I’m trying to be that for him, but it is slowly destroying me. There are lots of nights when I can’t sleep. Fucking insomnia is killing me.

  I guess I want to be straight on some level so my family won’t disown me, but I’m not straight, and I can feel a world war on the horizon. I keep vacillating about telling them that I’m gay, but it’s always the same scenario . . . I freeze up and then swing into total depression. Sometimes I think about doing some bad shit to myself, and I hate it. I hate myself. I am a coward. I am so scared it hurts, that is the simple truth.

  I need a few moments . . . Sorry

  My other dilemma . . . I really like Leo, but I love Jayden.

  Jayden, I know you’re gunna read this in a few months, so . . . the truth. I’ve been crushing on you for years, but I know I can’t go there right now. I’m not even out, so how would it work anyway? But maybe if I did tell you, things could be different, you know? Maybe you might feel the same way, or maybe you’d run away. Or maybe you’d like me for a few days and then figure out it wasn’t working. Or maybe I’d feel that way. All I know is I never want to hurt you. I love you. I love looking at your beautiful face. I love being around you. And to tell you the truth, I’m happy Zack broke up you. I wanted to punch that fucker so many times. He was such an asshole to you. Plus I was jealous.