Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  JOURNAL ENTRY 19

  Jayden

  It’s been a long couple of days. I hate when my friends are hurting and I can’t do anything to make the pain go away. Chris didn’t deserve what happened to him, especially on a night when he was celebrating with his mother. I still can’t believe Ty cheated on him at the party, in Chris’s territory. How cruel is that? What a fucking tool.

  It’s obvious now that Ty was nothing more than a poser, a typical fuckboy thot. Honestly, I thought he was the real thing, but then I thought Zack was too. What is it with me and Chris that makes guys want to play us? I don’t get it. I guess we have to put more shields up to protect ourselves.

  I don’t want to become cynical about relationships, but I need to be more aware of certain clues. Chris too. I hope Devin is as real as he seems. Sadly, it is making me question if I should date him. No, no, I don’t wanna let my brain go in that direction . . . I wanna see where our relationship might go.

  I need to rant for a while so I can get this bitchiness out of my system.

  There are so many fucking wannabes in this world. They hold onto you like bloodsuckers, trying to suck the life out of you, hoping it will make whatever the fuck they are wishing for come true. They want your reality to become their reality without working for it. This kind of poser makes it hard to trust anyone out of my close circle of friends. And that is sad.

  A lot of people think I have it made because my family is wealthy. I admit it, I have advantages, but I’ve never felt superior to anyone. Here’s the thing, most people have never heard the backstory about my family, they just assume shit. My parents worked their asses off to get what we have. No one gave them a fucking thing. They didn’t come from wealthy parents. They earned every penny through hard work, persistence, and a desire to attain the American dream. They have instilled that work ethic in me, and I’m grateful. I know Jamie and Chris are grateful for what they have too. We have never looked down on anyone. I mean that!

  We have many friends who are not as fortunate as us. We like them because we like them. I could care less about what their parents do or how much money they have. I have friends who live in the Bronx, in Queens, in Brooklyn. I hate those reality shows that show spoiled teenagers flaunting what they have while acting like fucking royalty. I’ve been around enough of those people to last a lifetime.

  Fuck people like that. Fuck Ty, and fuck that Noah asshole. What an arrogant fuck he was. He threw his modeling career into the abyss with that fuckboy move. He will never work in New York again. The fashion world is a small tight knit group, and Chris’s mother is all business when it comes to the shit he pulled. If I could fight, I would beat the shit out Ty and Noah. Okay, I’m done ranting.

  So, Cody has been messaging me all weekend. Another frightened tool. I’m not ready to deal with him at the moment, but I am going to talk to him on Monday, even if he’s hanging with those Neanderthal goons he calls friends. I refuse to be treated like a disease by anyone. Cody’s indifference forced me to rethink my feelings about a potential friendship. I refuse to feel sorry for him anymore. Lost boys are just lost. I’m over it.

  So, Jamie and I spent the afternoon and evening at Chris’s yesterday. Jamie ended up spending the night and even cancelled his date with Leo. Chris kept insisting that he needed to go on his date, but Jamie said no way. The cool thing was that Leo understood completely, saying he was happy to see friends supporting friends. I think this guy just might be a keeper.

  We chilled on his terrace for most of the afternoon. It has always been one of my favorite places to chill because of the view, and because of who I’m with. The view of midtown and the Hudson River from fifty-seven stories high is like looking at the world from heaven.

  We reminisced about our younger days to try and lift Chris’s spirits. Like when we used to camp out on the terrace and roast marshmallows in the gas fire pit. I remember being so amazed at midtown twinkling in the night sky. We used to pretend the sparkling buildings were stars in the universe because we could never see the real ones.

  We used to tell ghost stories under a makeshift tent made out of blankets. Chris and Jamie loved to scare me, and I loved to be scared.

  We used to tell each other all of our most secret crazy dreams because we knew no one would laugh or make fun of them. I think reminiscing made us realize how fortunate we are to still be best friends after all these years.

  So, my date with Devin. Honestly, I think I could fall in love with that boy. Now I know why my sister liked him so much. He is incredibly perceptive, and very cute. He’s sweet and thoughtful, and a great kisser. The way he kissed me was . . . WOW!! Such beautiful full gorgeous lips and a smile that melts my heart. I swear he had me hypnotized at times. The only thing I’m worried about is our age difference. He is three years younger than me. He told me that he skipped a grade in middle school. So yeah, he is incredibly smart too.

  Spending the evening with Devin at the party was the perfect atmosphere to see what he was really like. He passed that test with ease.

  I met my hero, the queen of all queens, Lady Gaga. Chris and his mother wanted to surprise me, so I found out she was going to attend the party on the ride to SoHo. She was so nice, so beautiful, so everything I thought she was, and more. She talked about her college days at NYU, and how much she loves her mother and her family. She complimented me on my modeling, saying that she had seen me in lots of fashion magazines. That was so nice of her. There was nothing pretentious about her at all. Of course I had to ask her about her role on American Horror Story, and told her that Devin and I kind of met while watching her debut.

  Chris, I want to thank you for making it happen. I love you more than anything. You’re the best friend anyone could ever have.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 20

  Chris

  I really didn’t want to go to school today. I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with Ty. He was texting and inboxing me all weekend to the point where I finally had to unfriend the asshole. He just doesn’t get it. So what happens as soon as I get to school? He runs up and starts pleading with me to take him back. Can you believe it? I stayed calm and told him it was over. It was embarrassing to watch him beg. He is such a user, and I was too blind to see.

  I was blinded by his good looks and charm. I even gave it up for him because he was my first true love. Now I realize that our love was only sex and calculated opportunity to him. I think that’s what makes me angry the most.

  Fortunately, as the day went on I felt a little better, so at least I know time will heal my heart.

  Jamie and Jayden have been close by since it happened. I love those guys more than anything.

  I’m really pissed about Cody not helping Jayden when his friends were sexually harassing him.

  Jayden said Cody looked away like he was pretending it wasn’t happening. What a fucking asshole. Jayden is the nicest guy in the world, and Cody blowing him off like that showed what a fucking tool he is. This morning he tried to apologize, but Jayden wasn’t having any of that, and I don’t blame him. I wanted to deck him but Jayden took care of the situation nicely. Maybe one day Cody will learn what is really important.

  I really don’t feel like writing anything else. I need to chill and get back to my old self.

  Later

  JOURNAL ENTRY 21

  Jamie

  I’m not doing very well at the moment. Being honest, being yourself like they said I should be, only to get silence in return. I want to feel like I did when I was little. You know, to feel really loved. To be hugged with no questions asked. To sit between them on the sofa and watch the city lights twinkle in the night. To know that they still love me. Instead, they looked at me like I was out of my mind.

  What surprised me the most was that my mother was as upset as my father when I told them I was gay. Yeah, my mother, who accepted Chris and Jayden with no questions asked, saying how much she loved them, couldn’t accept or love me. Her cold stare stabbed me over and over. I felt insignific
ant. I felt dead.

  And then there was the unenlightened analysis from my father, saying that I needed psychiatric help to get the silly notion of being gay out of my head. Get this, he said that Chris and Jayden had obviously turned me gay. The whole coming out thing turned into a three-headed monster I had no control over.

  My mother was crying. My father was in my face blaming me for upsetting her with all of the “gay brainwashing shit talk.” His eloquence with the spoken word was so unimpressive. He even called me weak minded and then tried to physically intimidate me. We actually stood eyeball to eyeball staring each other down. A half a minute into this stupid stare down, I saw fear fill his eyes. He blinked, he turned away, and walked to the picture window. Frustrated and ashamed, I asked, “Why can’t you accept the fact that I’m gay? Why did you pretend to accept Chris and Jayden all these years? I don’t understand that rationale. I feel like I don’t know either of you. It is like my whole life has been one big lie.”

  My mother answered first. “This has nothing to do with Chris or Jayden. Choosing to be gay is their choice. You fail to understand the ramifications. I am never going to have grandchildren. The family is never going to accept your misguided lifestyle choice. I will become juicy gossip for my dearest friends.” I was stunned by her narcissism. She didn’t care about me, all she cared about was how she would look in front of family and friends. How fucking selfish is that?

  My father was next to slice me with more of his fucking words of wisdom. “Jamie, I agree with your mother. The gay and lesbian culture is a lifestyle choice, and you are making the wrong choice. We want to support you, but we think you are making a terrible mistake.”

  “Both of you are dead wrong about that. I didn’t choose to be gay, and neither did Chris and Jayden. We were born this way, and sometime in the near future science will confirm this fact. I have never liked girls the way society says I’m supposed to. I’m gay and I’m okay with it. Hopefully you will accept me at some point. But if that isn’t in the cards, I will survive and move on. It is really your choice now.” I went to my bedroom, put my headphones on, laid my exhausted body down on my bed and eventually fell asleep . . .

  3am

  I’m done feeling sorry for myself. If my parents can’t accept that I’m gay, fuck them. I don’t give a fuck. If they threaten to kick me out, I’ll gladly go. I’ve made a shit load of money modeling, so I’ll just get an apartment until I go away to college.

  So, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced so many different emotions at once like I have in the past week. I can’t figure out why so many people are assholes. Take parents for example. My parents. Why are they so blind? Why won’t they love me for who I am instead of some hetero version they have in their head?

  I wonder about other parents too. Do they say to each other, “Hey let’s raise our children to be assholes who will treat everyone like shit.” I just don’t get why someone like Ty would cheat on Chris, and do it where he did it. He is definitely miswired. And then there is Cody, another person I thought I knew. The way he ignored Jayden when his friends were fucking with him was bullshit. As soon as I get to school I’m going to find him and let him know how fucked up he is. I’m not going to let him get away with his homophobic hatred. I also want to know who the guys are that were bullying Jayden because I’m gunna fuck them up good.

  After I have it out with Cody, I’m going to tell both of my coaches that I’m gay and let it all fall wherever it falls.

  I wonder if there is really this yin and yang thing going on, like some cosmic force is playing with us, refusing to let us be happy, always balancing happiness with some kind of tragedy. It really sucks being outside the supposed norms of society.

  On the up side, I met up with Leo at Union Square for our delayed date. It was good to see his face and kiss those beautiful sexy lips. He told me how much he missed me and then asked how Chris was doing. He was genuinely concerned. “It’s been a rough few days, but he is going to be okay.”

  “Tell him from me that life is a series of random tests that we have to take in stride and overcome. The whole process makes us stronger.”

  “I will. And thanks for caring.”

  We ended up seeing a movie, and then had dinner at this hole in the wall Italian restaurant on MacDougal Street. After dinner we walked around the village holding hands, kissing, and talking about all sorts of stuff. It turned out to be a perfect evening with a perfect guy.

  Everything was perfect until I got home and told my parents the truth about me.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 22

  Jayden

  I know I’ve hurt my sister by dating Devin. I feel terrible because I know she still has feelings for him. My timing really sucks sometimes. I knew she was upset by the way she ignored me most of the weekend. Whenever I walked into a room where Erica was, she wouldn’t acknowledge me and would walk out a few seconds later. I even asked if she wanted to watch American Horror Story with me when I got home from Chris’s. “I’m not interested,” she said, in a snotty tone.

  So, yesterday I was in my bedroom doing homework when she walked in and sat on the sofa. I figured that I’d let her start the conversation. “Hey,” was all I said without looking at her.

  There was a minute or so of silence before she asked the big question. “Are you and Devin having fun together?” I stopped typing and hoped to god I was doing the right thing by being honest. “Yes. Devin is a great guy. I really like him.”

  “That’s good to hear. I know he really likes you too.”

  “Erica, I know this situation is weird, and I don’t want to hurt you, so if you’re uncomfortable with us dating, I’ll stop seeing him. I mean it.”

  “I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt, but I want you and Devin to date. You guys are perfect for each other. I just need to get used to it. I’ll be okay.”

  “Do you really mean that?”

  “Of course. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I was just having some pity moments.”

  “Thank you for being so unselfish. I love you so much.” We hugged, and then I invited her out to lunch. It was great spending the afternoon with my beautiful little sis.

  I really let Cody have it this morning at school, but I was calm and strategic about my choice of words.

  Here’s what happened.

  Chris and I were walking to our lockers when Cody saw us. He yelled my name. I looked over my shoulder to see who it was as we continued down the hall. I could hear his hurried footsteps coming towards us, which made me nervous, and Chris angry.

  “He’s such an arrogant tool,” he said. “Do you want me to beat the shit out of him?”

  “No, no, let me handle it.” A moment later Cody was standing in front of me apologizing like a madman. “Jayden, I’m really sorry about what happened the other day. My friends were being assholes, and I was the biggest asshole of all for not sticking up for you. I panicked. I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, you did panic. You panicked because you didn’t want your friends to know we’re friends, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You guess? Just admit it. Be honest with me.”

  “You’re right. I didn’t want them to know, but now I don’t care if they”

  “Please . . . just stop. I think you’re trying to have it both ways.”

  “No I’m not.”

  “Yes you are. I get what’s going on. Your friends will think you’re gay if they know we’re friends. Well, I’m really impressed with your epic quest to find yourself. I thought you were different from those homophobic assholes you call friends, but that obviously isn’t the case. Personally, I think you’re a coward.”

  “You’re right, I am a coward, but I’m trying not to be.”

  “I thought we could become real friends, but I don’t see that happening now.”

  At that point Chris and I walked away. I hoped he would really think about what I told him, and I guess he did because of what happened after school.

 
I wish I could have one day without all of the drama. It’s been way too long.

  Zack showed up at school and caused a huge scene. He tried to beat me up just because I have new boyfriend. He was out of his mind with jealousy when he saw Devin and I holding hands. For someone who hates Upper West Side fags, Zack certainly likes to be around us. After what he tried to do to me today, I know he’s a total mental case.

  This is how it went down.

  Chris, Devin, and I were waiting in the courtyard for Jamie to get out of gym. Chris’s driver was on his way to the school to take us to runway practice in SoHo. That’s when Zack and his friend Austin walked up and started getting in my face. “I can’t fucking believe you already have another boyfriend. You really are a slut,” Zack said, in this superior tone. Chris immediately got between us. “You better leave now or I’m gunna kick your fucking ass.”

  “Chris, don’t waste your time,” I said. Then I turned to Zack. “It’s over between us. Don’t you get it? I mean, you broke up with me, and I’ve accepted it.”

  He gave me this condescending look. “You know, I came here to try and work things out, but I can see it isn’t going to happen because you’re already fucking someone else. How old is this guy? Twelve?”

  “Who I date is none of your business. It’s over between us, you made sure of that. You don’t own me, so please leave and get on with your life.”

  “Fuck you, you cunt,” he yelled. A second later he pushed Chris and Devin out of the way and lunged at me. He grabbed me by the collar and went in for the kill by trying to punch me in the face. Chris grabbed his arm, spun him around, and then like the superhero he is, punched him in the stomach with all his might. Zack fell to the ground and started puking.