Deep Surrendering: Episode Four

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Mr. Herald wasn’t convinced, but he stuck his hand out and shook mine. He had the same beautiful bone structure as his son, but his angles were sharper. His was not a face made for smiling. His dark hair had shaded to an attractive gray, and I could see why people said yes to him. This was not a man who heard the word no very often.

  “Nice to meet you, Miss Everson,” he said, giving me a firm handshake. His hands were thick and blocky, unlike his son’s with those long almost-delicate fingers. Must have gotten those from his mother.

  “N-nice to meet you, Mr. Herald,” I said, my voice stuttering. I should say something else, but I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t screw things up, so I just waited for Fin to take the lead and then I’d follow.

  “Well, it was nice to see you again, Miss Everson, and I’ll let you know about the charity event. It’s such an important cause.” Fin’s blue eyes were intense as they stared at me, but I could understand where he was going with this.

  “Oh, thank you so much for agreeing to see me. I appreciate it so much. We’ve had a hard time getting donors, and I knew it was a long shot.” I turned and shook Fin’s hand, trying to convey my gratitude for his fake donation. Actually, I should hit him up, but maybe later.

  “Finally joining the philanthropy bandwagon, Fintan?” Mr. Herald said as Fin dropped my hand like a hot potato. “What organization are you supporting?” Trés fantastic. I wouldn’t even have to lie.

  “It’s a new literacy organization. We work with adults and children, offering classes, donating books, that sort of thing. We’re having our first fundraising ball and I thought Mr. Herald might want to donate, or maybe help out in some way.” That sounded convincing, right? I schooled my face to be wide and innocent and guileless. You could get away with a lot if you looked too cute to plot anything sinister.

  “How nice,” Mr. Herald said, smiling, but it didn’t sit well on his face at all, and it was gone in a moment. An uneasy feeling took up residence between my shoulder blades, melting down my spine.

  I needed to get out of this room. I couldn’t explain my reaction to Fin’s father, but it was so strong that I had to pay attention to it.

  “Well, I think I’m going to head to my next appointment. So nice to meet you,” I said, and headed for the door without a backwards glance. I shut it behind me and prayed that Mr. Herald bought my story and Fin wouldn’t get interrogated or have to suffer his father’s wrath because of me. If I’d only gotten out a few minutes earlier, it wouldn’t have happened.

  I hurried down the hall, past the receptionist, who was furiously typing and talking on her earpiece, and down to the street. Only then could I take a breath without my chest feeling tight.

  Carl had waited for me, and he opened the door of the car as soon as he saw me.

  “Everything go well, Miss Marisol? You look as if you’ve had a shock.” I probably did. What was it about Fin’s father that gave me that fight or flight feeling? The last time I felt that, I was walking alone and a man followed me. Luckily, I ducked into a store and he moved on. I shook my head to try and clear it before I got back into the Town Car.

  “I’m fine. Just got surprised by the elder Mr. Herald. He’s … imposing.”

  Carl nodded.

  “I mean, I’ve met him before, but never like that. If he asks about me, will you tell him anything?” God, why hadn’t I thought about that before? Carl knew exactly what Fin and I were doing, and he could have snitched on us at any time.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it, Miss Marisol.” He gave me a warm smile in the rearview and I trusted what he said. I relaxed and leaned back into the seat.

  Fin’s dad was scary as hell, and I hoped I didn’t have to encounter him too often.

  I pulled out my phone and texted Fin.

  So sorry about that! Hope your dad bought my story.

  He didn’t respond, and I just chalked it up to him going back to his meeting.

  To keep my mind occupied before the date, I went through my candle party orders. Damn, Chloe hadn’t been lying. She’d sold the shit out of those candles. She’d even sold a bunch of the decorative holders that weren’t cheap. I was thrilled and I definitely owed her big time. I’d probably have to be her wing woman at the bar at least twice.

  As I was putting the order forms together to enter into the website, my phone buzzed with a text.

  I’m fine. You okay?

  Fin’s text left a little to be desired, but maybe we could talk when we saw each other later.

  Yeah. Can’t wait to see you!

  Ugh. The text was a little too cheerful and perky, but I hit Send anyway.

  Looking forward to it.

  I put my phone away before I could read way too much into his messages. Technology made communicating easier, but then you spent half your time trying to figure out what people were saying and if they were really mad at you.

  I hadn’t told Fin what we were doing, so he showed up dressed in his normal beautiful date attire. Purple tie and all, except this one was a light lavender. He had another bouquet of lilacs, and yet another vase.

  “Did you buy these in bulk?” I asked as I filled it with water and put it next to the other two. My small apartment was starting to look like an English garden.

  “Maybe.”

  He embraced me and gave me a quick kiss. Too quick.

  “Everything okay? That was kind of weird with your dad. Way to go for thinking on your feet and doing the fake name thing.”

  He stepped back and leaned on the counter.

  “I thought it was for the best. And yes, it was weird, but it’s fine. No permanent harm done.” His smile was brief and unconvincing. “So, what are we doing, Mari Cherry?”

  “That is for me to know and you to pester me about. Ready?” I’d worn a casual outfit this time, since we’d be doing some walking.

  “If you are, then yes.” He took my hand and we walked down to his car.

  “Where to?”

  “The park,” I said with a smile as I peeked at the loaf of bread I’d stuffed into my largest purse.

  “Now, you should know that this an activity I do exclusively alone. I don’t even think Chloe knows that I do this. This is where I come when I’m upset, or depressed, or when a certain boy is being mean to me.”

  Fin raised his hand.

  “I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that I’m the boy to which you’re referring.”

  “You might be,” I said as we walked toward the pond, pulling out the loaf of bread. I handed him a piece and we sat together on one of the benches. It was another lazy summer night, everyone moving slowly in the warm air.

  “Now we wait.”

  He stared down at the bread as if he’d never seen it before. “For what?”

  “Haven’t you ever fed ducks in the park?”

  He shook his head.

  “Not even when you were a kid?”

  “Definitely not. The only times I’ve ever come to the park were after I left my parents’ house. And most of them have been with you.”

  I pulled out a slice of bread and started picking it apart, rolling the bits into little balls with my fingers. Fin did the same.

  “My parents didn’t take me to the park much either. I usually went with whatever babysitter or nanny they’d hired. But my grandmother used to let me run around her yard. She even had a swing set installed, just for me.” Compared to Fin, my childhood seemed magical.

  Fin’s shoulders slumped a little, and he leaned forward and gazed out at the pond.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to rub it in your face.”

  “No, no. Don’t worry about it. Not your fault. I guess I’m still a little bitter.” He chucked one of the little bits of bread out into the middle of the pond. I still hadn’t seen the ducks, and I was starting to wonder if they were coming at all.

  “Why wouldn’t you be? The things that happen to us when we’re young, you carry them with you for the rest of your life. You can say t
hat your past is your past all you want, but the scars stay with you.” It was one of the reasons why I didn’t get along with my parents. There was too much history. And even if they completely changed and were lovely people who accepted me and my choices and supported them, it would still take a lot for me to get past the past.

  “Yes. They do.” Our date had taken a grim turn and I wanted to rectify that, but Fin did it for me.

  “There they are,” he said, pointing to the little duck family across the pond. We started chucking our little bread pieces at them and they came, quacking away.

  I started laughing and Fin joined me.

  “See? Doing this always makes me feel better. You can’t be sad when you’re feeding ducks.”

  “No, you really can’t. Yet another one of your distractions?”

  I handed him another slice of bread. “Sometimes it’s okay to be distracted. Give yourself a break.”

  “I’m not sure I know how.”

  I wrapped my arm around his and put my head on his shoulder. “We’re doing it right now. See how easy this is?”

  Turning his head away from the ducks, he gazed at me. “With you it’s easy.”

  The second part of my date took place at one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurants. The salsa was guaranteed to burn your mouth, the burritos were enormous, and the margaritas came with lots of salt on the rim of the glass.

  “I thought you didn’t like spicy food?” Fin said, wiping his eyes after I dared him to try the “Hot As Hades” salsa.

  “No, I do. I just have to be in the right mood for it. And tonight I was definitely in the mood.” I chomped down on my chip and smiled at the pleasant burn on my tongue and throat. I’d tried the Hades salsa once and that was enough.

  We ordered margaritas and tacos, and spent most of our time stuffing our faces and talking about nothing in particular.

  “So, I have to ask you something,” I said, snatching the last chip out of the basket. Immediately, our server brought us more. Oh, she was getting a huge tip.

  “Why do I have the feeling we’re about to talk about something I’d rather not talk about?” he asked, going for one of the chips and pulling his hand back. They were still hot from the fryer.

  “Because you’re freakishly perceptive?”

  He picked up a chip and blew on it before dipping it in the milder salsa.

  “What do you want to ask me?”

  “Why is your dad so scary? I mean, I’ve met him before, briefly, but he really freaked the shit out of me there.” I didn’t feel silly admitting it.

  “It’s just the way he is. I never really knew children were supposed to love their parents. I don’t think he’s ever hugged me. He’s not exactly an emotional person. Except when he gets angry. He has no trouble expressing that.” A shudder went through me. “I guess I’m used to it by now.”

  I didn’t think you’d ever get used to being around that.

  “I mean, he didn’t do anything. He was just … there and I was flipping out.” Putting it into words made me feel less crazy.

  “I’m sorry.”

  That made me laugh. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose him as your dad.”

  “No. I didn’t. We never get to choose our families.”

  “Well, we sort of do. I mean, Chloe is my family. Rory and Sloane are my family. I got to choose them. They might not be my blood, but if something happens to me, they’re going to be the first ones to know about it. My Emergency Contact people.” It was true. I always listed Chloe on forms that needed an emergency contact. My parents were listed second.

  Our tacos arrived and Fin seemed to escape deep into himself again. Oh, if only I could see the inner workings of that mind of his.

  “I want you to stay tonight. I want to try again,” he said out of the blue.

  “You do? Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  He sounded convincing.

  “But I was thinking that we should stay at your place. I have too many memories and other hang-ups associated with my place.” That made complete sense.

  “Sure. We can do that. But just remember that if you get uncomfortable, just say the word and we’ll stop.”

  “I know.” He exhaled and picked up his taco.

  “You’ve been wanting to get that off your chest, haven’t you?” I said, picking up my taco, turning my head to the side, and taking a bite.

  “Yes,” he said, and bit into his taco. “I want to try and make it up to you since I failed so miserably last time. I can’t believe I let my head get in the way of being with you. I’ll try not to let it happen again.”

  “I’ll remind you,” I said, and we dug into our tacos.

  “Dessert was probably a bad idea,” I said as we stumbled to Fin’s Town Car. Carl, as always, waited patiently for us and hid his smirk as he held the door open. “And that third margarita didn’t help either.” Fortunately, neither of us had to drive or else I might have had some more restraint.

  “You’re a bad influence,” he said, groaning. Good thing the pants I’d worn were a tiny bit loose on me because they fit now. Sex wasn’t happening anytime soon. Unless I could just lay there and let him do his thing.

  “I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think we’re going to be, ah, doing much right now. That was poor planning on our part,” he said.

  I moaned a little, agreeing with him. “But it was totally worth it. I’m falling into a food coma as we speak.” I leaned against him and curled my feet up on the seat.

  “We brought you some tacos, Carl,” I said, stifling a yawn and holding up a takeout bag.

  “That was very thoughtful, Miss Marisol,” he said, smiling at me.

  “It was very thoughtful,” Fin said, stroking my hair. I liked that I was still allowed to touch him. That was probably going to change if we did go through with having sex. But maybe a change of scenery would help. At least all my stuff would be there.

  “You ready?” Fin said, putting his hand under my chin and tilting my face up.

  “Yeah. I’m ready.”

  Fin held my hand again as we rode the elevator up to my apartment. He trembled just a tiny bit, and I gave him a reassuring squeeze, hoping against hope that this time would be different than the last.

  “Doing okay?” I asked.

  “Yes. Fine.” Almost convincing.

  I unlocked the door, set my bag down, and slipped my shoes off. The sweet scent of fresh lilacs greeted me, and I was glad we’d come back here.

  “Do you want to watch a movie or something?” I wasn’t going to suggest Scrabble again. Maybe later, when our stomachs weren’t so full.

  “Sure. You can pick.”

  “So that means I can pick the sappiest, girliest movie and you won’t say a word about it?” I wouldn’t, but I was curious to know his reaction.

  “Maybe. Depends on the movie.” I went to the cabinet where I kept my movies and scanned through. I had a good idea of what I wanted to choose, but sometimes I found movies I forgot I owned.

  “So you’d be absolutely fine with watching Dirty Dancing?” I held up the box and waved it back and forth.

  “Are you kidding? I love Patrick Swayze. That man could dance.”

  True story. But I put the box back and picked another.

  “How about Amelie? It’s in French, so you have to read the subtitles, but it’s such a cute movie. Or if you want to go the more intense movie route, I’ve got Cider House Rules. I’ve also got Pushing Daisies, Law & Order, and The Tudors on DVD. So really, there’s a lot of variety.”

  “Pushing Daisies? What’s that?”

  “Are you kidding? Only the greatest show on television that was brutally cancelled. Well, other than Firefly, but let’s not talk about that.” He shuddered at the mention of Firefly. Still a sore spot for him, too.

  “We’re totally watching it,” I said, shoving the first DVD into the player.

  “What’s it about?” Fin asked as I settled on the
couch next to him.

  “I’m not going to tell you. I just want you to experience it. Soak it in. You only get to watch this show for the first time once.” I was kind of thrilled I got to be here to watch his reaction to the show. It was one of those brilliant pieces of television that had never been appreciated by the masses that begged for more shitty reality television programming. Cretins. Didn’t know good television when it bit them in the ass.

  I curled up against Fin, resting my head right where his heart was, listening to its steady beat. His arm wrapped around me, and I thought about closing my eyes and taking a quick nap, but I loved this show and wanted to watch Fin love it too. He had to love it. I was going to have a serious problem having sex with him if he hated it.

  “This guy looks familiar, but I can’t figure out where I’ve seen him before,” Fin said as the opening voiceover played and the brilliant colors of the show lit up my crappy television.

  “He’s one of those guys who’s in a bunch of stuff. When you see him you say, ‘Oh, there’s that guy from that thing.’”

  “You’re right. I’m going to have to look him up because that’s going to drive me crazy. You know how you see someone but can’t place them? It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.” That drove me crazy too.

  “It’s a good thing we already ate, because there’s so much pie in this show,” I said, moving my head so I could get more comfortable.

  “I could actually go for pie right now,” he said.

  “Great. You’re one of those guys who has a bottomless stomach. And I bet you don’t even have to work out.”

  He stroked my head. “I had a chubby phase.”

  I sat up so I could give him a look. “Shut up, you did not.”

  He laughed and paused the DVD. “It’s true, I did.”

  “Pictures or it didn’t happen,” I said.

  “I’ll get you a picture. Promise.”

  I lay back against him and he restarted the show.