It was time to shake the thoughts out of my head and focus on the matter at hand: we were trying to have a serious conversation.
“We have two more byes left in the season. What will ruin my weekend is if I have to see you go through those damn nightmares again. You don’t have to tell me what they’re about, but damn it, Harper, you need to speak to somebody. I was scared for―”
“I was raped!” she suddenly blurted out.
My whole body froze by what she’d just confessed. Everything around me began to fade away until all I saw was Harper’s terrified expression. I felt my throat constrict as my heart started beating loudly inside my ears.
I wasn’t sure what to do; I’d never dealt with something this huge before. Did she want me to comfort her? Was that the right thing to do? What if she didn’t want to be comforted? All those thoughts and more ran wildly inside my mind.
“Harp,” I started to say, but I struggled with the right words and ended up saying nothing else at all.
“It’s okay. It happened a long time ago,” she replied, turning away. That was a lie; it was clearly not okay.
“How long ago?” The words came out more forceful than I’d wanted them to, but I was angry. It was like déjà vu. It better not be. My hands balled up into fists beside me. I wanted to kill the bastard who touched her.
Harper stared out toward the lake wordlessly with a haunted expression on her face. It pained me to see her this way, and it took every ounce of me not to force the answer out of her; she didn’t need that. It wasn’t going to help her trust me if I forced her or shouted that I wanted to beat the shit out of the fucker who’d hurt her. Instead, I sat silently and concentrated on steadying my breathing, waiting until Harper was ready to make the first move.
“I was fifteen… The first time―”
“Wait. Are you saying it was more than once?” She nodded once; my jaw tightened. Fuck, this was going to test my anger control. I took a deep breath before asking her to continue.
“He was a Director on one of the shows Quinn and I had both worked on. He would wait until no one was around and then come into my dressing room. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to stop him. All I could do was act like a stupid, scared fool and let him do it, and then I waited until I got home to cry.” Harper paused for a moment, her eyes still focused on the lake.
“You can’t tell anyone, Jackson,” she pleaded, turning to face me. “This is more important to me than the water thing. Nobody knows. Not my family, not even my therapist knows. If it ever got out, the media would have a frenzy. I’m not strong enough to handle that.”
I picked up her hand and laced my fingers with hers before giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.
Even though I was fuming by words she’d told me, and how the story was sickly similar to another I knew about, I gave her my word to not say anything. I’d screwed up once and hurt her by revealing her one secret she’d trusted me with; I was never going to make that same mistake again. I’d never tell a soul, but maybe she should tell her therapist. However, there was one important question I needed to ask. “Harp, I’m not going to tell anyone, but I want to ask you something. You said you were fifteen when it first happened, right?” I waited for her to nod before I continued, “That was the year you were found almost dead… did you try―”
“I knew I’d find you two together,” sneered a familiar voice behind me. Dina. Damn it!
I felt Harper’s hand tense and try to pull away but I refused to let it go. Why? I’m not entirely sure. I turned to confront Dina. She stood there in tiny, barely-there shorts and an oversized jumper, her arms crossed at her chest and a hateful scowl on her face.
“Jon tried to tell me that she was the only one down here and he couldn’t find you anywhere. Your friends are all pathetic liars. And as for you, get your filthy hands off what’s mine! You might be rich and famous, but really you’re nothing but a dirty, attention-seeking, drug-addicted slut.”
“That’s enough, Dina!” I growled. To hell if I was going to let her ridicule Harper like that. “Don’t you dare speak to Harper like that!”
I stood up, taking Harper with me, and took a step toward Dina. My eyes narrowed. “If I ever so much as hear you say her name, I will make your life a living Hell. And for the record, I am not, and will not ever, be yours! You got that?”
Dina’s face dropped in complete shock. I wasn’t usually rude or a jerk to girls, but I did not tolerate the belittling of others.
I would’ve felt sorry for Dina; we both knew what we had was going nowhere and to be honest, before Harper came, I was about to end it, but her behavior toward Harper didn’t need an apology in my eyes.
“Come on, Harp; we’re leaving.” I tugged at Harper’s hand and started to make my way back to the cabins. I was glad Harper followed.
“What? What do you mean you’re leaving?” Dina called out from behind us.
I stopped and turned back to face her. “I mean exactly what I just said. I don’t feel like being here anymore.” And with that, I spun back around and started walking again, keeping a firm hold of Harper’s hand.
I couldn’t get over the way Jackson told off Dina. I knew she annoyed him sometimes but for the majority of the time, I thought he adored her. Why else would he keep her by his side? Then again, on the car ride over, he seemed to just tolerate her.
The rest of the group were a little surprised, if not disappointed, that Jackson decided to leave but when he told them it was because he thought I was getting sick, they seemed fine with it. Jon, on the other hand, was acting strangely. I couldn’t blame him, though, since he did accidentally stumble on Jackson and me making out. Every time I had the chance to look over at Jon, he was staring at us, and I wondered what was going through his mind. He must’ve been disgusted at the thought of two cousins kissing, even though he knew we weren’t related by blood. Jackson didn’t help the situation by babying me. He wouldn’t leave my side the entire time until we were in his truck and on the drive back to Sydney.
“You okay?”
The sudden jolt of electricity I felt from the touch of Jackson’s hand on my knee snapped me back into reality. I turned to him and gave a brisk nod. He gave me a tentative smile before looking back out at the road. My eyes slipped down to the hand that remained on my knee. The area was unavoidably sizzling hot and pulsating; surely he could feel it, too? Did he realize what he was doing to my body?
Jackson drove the whole way back to the city like that: one hand on the steering wheel, the other never leaving my leg.
We arrived back in Sydney just as the weather unexpectedly turned. Luckily, we’d already reached the house and were inside before the thunderstorm started and the rain began coming down like the heavens had opened up their floodgates.
“Now I’m glad we headed back. This storm came from nowhere,” Jackson said as he carried both our overnight bags through the house and up to our rooms. I forgot to respond, too busy watching the way he moved as I followed him through the front door and up the stairs toward our bedrooms. I was so caught up that I didn’t notice when he halted in front of my bedroom door and I almost crashed into him. Thankfully, I stopped just in time.
I glanced up to find Jackson grinning at me. I could tell in his eyes that he was laughing at me, but there was also nervousness in there that shone brighter. I could understand the way he was feeling; I felt it, too. We were alone. The house was empty, and the family wasn’t set to return until two days’ time.
The air around me tingled, causing the hairs on my skin to rise. I felt a magnetic charge coming from Jackson’s direction, and I silently blamed him for the static-like feeling on my skin that I felt all over.
The grin on his face slowly disappeared as we continued our locked gaze. I could sense the wheels churning inside his head as his expression and demeanor changed. I knew I wasn’t going to like what was about to come out of his mouth. “I’m really sorry about what happened to you, Harper. If I could
do anything… If I could travel back in time and stop it from happening, I would. I’d kill that—”
“Jackson,” I started, taking a small step toward him. “Don’t. There’s nothing you could have done to stop it. It’s in the past. I’m fine.” I’m fine. I swallowed the bitter taste of my lie.
“Bullshit!” he growled loudly, causing me to wince. “You’re not fine, Harper! Stop pretending you are! You can hide behind that mask all you like, but don’t you dare lie to my face and tell me you’re fine!”
I wanted to be angry. I wanted to tell him I could do whatever the fuck I liked and he couldn’t order me around, but the anger wouldn’t come. Instead, all I could do, just as I had done this morning, was cry.
As soon as the tears clouded my vision, Jackson dropped the bags and his arms were around me. “Shit, I’m sorry. Harper, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just this whole thing pisses me off. Not because of you, but because of what he did. It’s not fair.”
I grabbed hold of his shirt and buried my face in his chest. I couldn’t handle all the emotion, but I couldn’t stop it from happening, either; I was helpless. “Shhh, it’s okay.”
I felt his arms snake around me and tighten their grip. He kissed the top of my head before picking me up, opening the door, and carrying me toward my bed. I let him, unable to find the strength to say anything or to move myself.
He laid me down across the mattress. Ripping off his shirt, he climbed in behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me in close so my back was pressed against his hard chest.
He didn’t say anything, and for that, I was glad. He just lay there quietly, patiently waiting until my tears ran dry.
Eventually they did, but I felt too exhausted to talk. Instead, I laid there, still and silent except for a few sniffles every now and again. I stared absentmindedly at the same spot on the wall, blinking only when my eyes began to burn from the dryness. It’d been a while, which made me think Jackson had fallen asleep beside me, until he spoke, his voice low and composed. “Did you try to take your life that day in the pool?”
I tensed. I hadn’t expected him to be so blunt about it. “Be honest with me, Harper. Did you?”
I swallowed, wondering whether to tell him the truth or not. Slowly, I shook my head and opened my mouth to speak, refusing to move from the position I was in. What did I have left to lose? Jackson knew everything else. “I…” My voice was raspy, and I cleared my throat before attempting to try again. “I heard a voice that sounded just like my sister, Quinn.”
“What did she say to you?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I replied. I don’t want you to think I’m even crazier than I am, was more like it.
“What did the voice say to you, Harper?” he asked again, this time a little more firm.
I gave in. “She told me not to be afraid and to go into the water. She said she would show herself if I went under.”
“And did she?”
“I saw a light,” I admitted. “Then I choked on water, and she was gone.” My voice faded away.
He was quiet for a moment; a moment that felt like a lifetime. I wondered what he was thinking and worried whether he thought of me differently. “Do you still hear her in your head?” he eventually asked.
Not since I’ve started taking the pills again. I shook my head.
“Can you promise to tell me if you ever hear her again?”
I nodded once. He shifted as he pressed a kiss on the top of my head and let his lips linger there.
With his arms around me, I felt a sense of security. And just before I closed my eyes to nap, I thought to myself how incredibly fortunate I was to have finally been able to feel this way.
I lay wide awake, staring at the wall as Harper slept in my arms. She was exhausted; it was easy to see that. An emotionally filled morning and revealing a dark, hidden past was bound to have that effect on anybody. I was worried for her, but I was also in awe of how she had managed to keep something that big a secret. I remembered back to conversations I’d had with my parents and articles I’d seen in the media. I’d known she’d been to see therapists more than once, and that she currently lived with her parents, and has also done interviews where hosts would ask questions about her heavily partying lifestyle. How had she managed to avoid giving anyone any hints about what she’d been through while under constant public eye? She was clearly not over what had happened to her, and frankly, I couldn’t imagine anyone who would be. What about hearing her sister’s voice? Had Quinn’s death, and what that man did to her, affected her that much that she was beginning to hallucinate? Or had it been caused by other means, such as drugs and alcohol? Would she attempt to try the pool incident again? Or find other means to hurt herself? And most importantly, although I promised, was it something I could keep to myself? In others words, was it right to hide it when I know deep down she needed professional help?
As the thoughts whirled inside, more and more questions continued to fill my mind until eventually I began to grow tired. I pressed another kiss on the top of Harper’s head before letting my eyes close. The questions weren’t going to go away and soon I’d have to take them seriously, but for now, while it was just Harper and me, I was going to make sure there was a light waiting for her in the darkness. I wanted her to see I was going to be there for her no matter what. I’d be her light.
The last two days were unbelievable. I didn’t have any words to describe the way I felt, the way he made me feel. I’d never experienced the kind of affection Jackson had shown me, and it reminded me how lucky I was. After we’d woken up from our nap on Saturday, we watched a movie and then spent the rest of the afternoon playing board games as the heavy rain hammered down on the roof. On Sunday, it remained overcast, but at least the rain had stopped. Jackson found this to be the perfect opportunity to take me to the children’s playground around the corner that looked over the water. We took down a picnic basket and a blanket, and Jackson’s old skateboard. After sitting on the swings for a little while, I wanted to try my hand at skateboarding. As a small child, Quinn and I roller-bladed and had ridden on bikes, but not once did we have the chance to try out a skateboard. No one in my family had owned one. Hawke had always been busy playing sports, although he could surf. Sierra and my eldest brother, Ryder, were too old by the time I grew interested. And anyway, Sierra was definitely not the type who’d be caught doing anything that cool.
Jackson helped me to learn how to stand on the board without falling off it. In the end, after repeated failures, he decided on holding my hands while he pulled me around on the concrete basketball court with me on the skateboard. I had never laughed so much in my entire life.
I threw myself onto my bed and gazed up at the ceiling, unable to wipe the stupid grin off my face. I’d never felt anything like this… happy. For once, I was truly happy, not just pretending for a crowd. With Jackson, I felt like a completely new person.
My cell phone started ringing beside me and I answered, not bothering to look at caller I.D.
“Hello?”
“Harp? It’s me.” My smile got bigger as my brother’s voice filtered through the speaker.
“Hey! Do you think you’ll be able to visit soon? I’ve got so much to tell you!” I said excitedly.
Hawke was quiet on the other end. Something was wrong; I picked it up immediately. Hawke was usually the carefree, joyful sibling. Not much bothered him and even if he was in a foul mood, he put up a front to stop everyone else from questioning him about it. We were much the same in that sense, only my front used to be a permanent fixture in my life, before Jackson. “All right, what has she gone and said now?” More often than not, it was the Ice Queen behind the problems.
I heard Hawke let out a small chuckle before going back to a serious tone and saying, “They’ve been released.”
My entire body froze; a sick feeling whirled in my stomach as my brother spoke the words. I didn’t need him to finish the sentence; I
already knew what he was about to say. “How bad?” I responded.
“I’ve called you as soon as I can, but they have already gone viral on the web. They have his name, Harper.”
Shit! I’d been so caught up with everything happening in Australia I’d forgotten what had landed me here in the first place. I’d forgotten about the photos and what would happen to Nicolas if they’d ever got out. I clutched the phone tighter. “How is he?”
“Look, what I’ve heard is only through everyone else, but he’s been asked to step down at the station, the media are hounding him, and his girlfriend is going ahead with an interview, or something like that.”
No! Poor Nicolas. “I need to talk to him. I need to make sure he’s okay. I feel terrible.”
“I don’t think that’s the best thing to do right now, Harp. He’ll be dealing with a lot at the moment.”
I shot up into a sitting position, suddenly angry with what my brother was trying to say. “I ruined his life! I need to talk to him! I never meant for this to happen, Hawke! He doesn’t deserve for this to be happening to him; he’s a good guy!”
“This isn’t the time, Harper,” Hawke stated firmly. “Look, expect a call from Mom and Dad soon. They’ll probably have a few things to say about what to talk about if the media over there start asking you questions…” Yeah, I’m so sure that’s all they’ll have to say about this issue. I rolled my eyes instinctively. “In the meantime, I beg you to refrain from getting in contact with Officer Donahue. Please, Harper… Just—”
“I got it, Hawke!” I snapped. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, I need to go.”
“Harp…”
“Bye, Hawke. I love you.”
I hung up just as he was repeating it back to me. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him, or to anyone, for that matter. I didn’t mean to take it out on my brother; it was just easy to do.
My head weighed heavy with all the thoughts running around inside. For the first time in my life, the consequences for my actions hit me hard. Nicolas meant a lot to me, more than he’d ever know. He had been the one and only man to save me from my darkest moments, the one man I trusted, my savior, and how did I repay him? By fucking up his life, that’s how.
All That Matters Page 13