All That Matters

by Michelle Congdon

  “What has happened to you? How have you let her control you like this?”

  I shook my head; there was no point trying to reason with her. She’d made up her own mind about Harper, and even I wasn’t able to change that. “Goodbye, Dina.”

  I turned to walk away when she called out, “Wait!” I glanced at her from over my shoulder. “That’s it? After what we’ve been through, you’re leaving me just like that for her?” She spat out the last word.

  With a sigh, I turned back around to face her. I wasn’t a hurtful guy, and the last thing I wanted was to upset Dina, but she was behaving as if she had no idea about the situation we had, when we’d both been the ones to set the rules.

  “I’m not leaving you for her; you and I weren’t together, Dina, remember? We both wanted a casual relationship from the start. When you wanted something more, I told you I couldn’t give it to you. I gave you a way out many times, but you insisted it was okay to continue with what we were doing. I’m sorry, Dina. I don’t want to hurt you, but like I said back at your place, we both knew this thing between us should’ve ended weeks ago. You coming over here and upsetting Harper is not going to make things better, either.”

  Dina’s eyes were shining, filling with tears. I forced myself to stay where I was instead of running over to comfort her. That wouldn’t solve anything, and I’d be back to the beginning of trying to end things between us.

  “You’re an arsehole, Jackson. I hate you so much.” She turned and rushed off toward her car, refusing to look back at me again.

  I watched as her car sped off and disappeared around the corner. I felt terrible. It was never my intention to hurt her; except for the way she acted toward Harper, Dina was a genuinely nice person. It’s strange how emotions play so heavily with our minds.

  With a sigh, I turned and made my way back to the car to grab my things and the flowers I’d bought for Harper. I just hoped the flowers would cheer Harper up after whatever Dina had said to her.

  “Harper!” I called out once I was inside the house and closed the front door behind me. “I got you something!” No response.

  The house was eerily quiet and a strange feeling fell over me. Something was wrong with Harper; I could sense it. Had Dina’s words upset her? “Harper?” I said again, slowly making my way up the stairs with the large box of flowers in my hands.

  I stopped at her bedroom door and knocked. “Harper, are you in there? I’m sorry about Dina. Did she hurt you?” I knocked again. “Harper!”

  I was about to give up and walk away when I heard a small whimper from inside the room. I balanced the flowers under my arm, grabbed the doorknob with my now-free hand, and turned it; it was locked. I rattled it a few times before calling out, “Harper, open the door! It’s me. Let me in, please.” I heard the whimper again, only louder this time. She’s crying! “HARPER!” Without another thought, I barged the locked door with my shoulder. If she wasn’t going to let me in, I was going to force myself in. The door didn’t budge, but that didn’t stop me. I continued a few more times and then stepped back and kicked it with force. The door gave way, breaking the lock and doorknob along with it. Shit, it was something I’d have to explain to my parents later.

  I stepped into the room and found Harper huddled in a tight ball in the corner, countless tiny objects lay scattered around her. As soon as my eyes caught sight of her, I released the box of flowers and rushed over, dropping down beside her.

  “Harper!”

  “Leave me alone, Jackson!” she snapped without lifting her head.

  “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what she said to you!” I said firmly.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” she sobbed.

  “I’m not giving you a choice!” My voice was rising. I hated seeing her this way. I hated it even more that she thought I’d simply give up and leave her; she wasn’t pushing me away that easily. I sat down and threw my arms around her, pulling her in close to me. To my surprise, she let me and buried her face in my chest. I kissed the top of her head and ran my fingers through her hair in an attempt to soothe her as she continued to sob. “I’m here. Everything’s all right. I have you,” I whispered.

  I glanced down at the floor. My entire body froze when I recognized what the tiny objects were. “Harper, what are those?” She didn’t reply. I felt my heart begin to thump inside my chest, and my skin prickled as I continued to stare at pills all over the ground. They were all different sorts, different sizes, and all different colors. Were they the cause for her recent severe mood swings? “How many have you taken?” I tried counting the ones I could see, but it was hopeless. “Harper!” I said more firmly, pulling her away. I grabbed her chin and forced her to look up at me. Her face was red and wet with tears, but I wasn’t worried about that at the moment. “Tell. Me. How. Many!” I said with more urgency. She seemed fine, just looking at her, but I had to be sure.

  She met my eyes then burst into fresh tears. “I can’t… I don’t… I hate myself, Jackson,” she sobbed. I wanted to comfort her so badly. I couldn’t blame her for hating herself; her life was fucked up, but that was no reason to end it. I felt a tear escape from my own eyes. I was hurting for her, but I also feared losing her.

  “Harper, please. Please, tell me how many you’ve taken,” I asked again, struggling to keep my voice steady this time.

  She shook her head. “I didn’t take any. I was going to, I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

  A huge wave of relief washed over me. I felt my whole body relax. “Oh, Harper.” I pulled her into me again and squeezed her as tightly as I could. “You scared the shit out of me.” I kissed the top of her head repeatedly, silently thanking the heavens above. “Don’t do that again. Promise me you won’t!”

  I continued to kiss her, even though I felt her raise her head. I kissed her forehead, her temples, her nose; I kissed her cheeks, in an attempt to chase the tears away, until finally I reached her lips. I paused for a moment, unsure whether it was the right thing to do. While I deliberated, I barely noticed Harper lift her head and close in on the small gap between us, until her soft lips were pressing against mine. It all happened so fast after that; it was like I blinked and suddenly we were kissing. Hungry, desperate kisses, as if our bodies were starved of them, of each other. I should’ve stopped it. I should’ve pushed her away. That’d be the smart thing to do. Fuck, the girl was just hysterical a moment ago. But I was too weak. How had I ever been so strong around this girl?

  She leaned back until she was lying against the carpeted floor. I followed willingly, our mouths not separating from one another until I felt her legs wrap around me. “Harper…” It was meant to be a question but it came out more like a breathy sigh. My arms were placed on either side of her face. My lips hovered just above hers.

  “It’s okay, Jackson,” she whispered back, pushing my head back down so my mouth was back on hers.

  My arms began to ache as they supported the top half of my body while we continued to kiss. As the pain grew unbearable, I adjusted myself so I was leaning against my left forearm. That left my right hand free to explore her body.

  I let my hand travel down to the bottom of her shirt and then back up the inside. My splayed hand rested on her bare, toned stomach before gently making its way up and up until I reached her bra. She moaned against my lips as I carefully lifted her bra with my fingers and cupped her breast. With my thumb, I grazed over her nipple, imagining what it would be like to taste it with my mouth. I felt my cock jerk. Harper must have felt it, too, because she tightened her legs around me.

  I let go of her breast and let my hand travel back down her stomach, stopping just below her belly button. I kissed her mouth one more time and then pressed kisses on her arms wrapped around my neck before letting them travel all the way down her neck. I pressed my hardening cock against her and grinded from side to side so she could feel what she was doing to me. Another soft moan escaped her.

  I eagerly let my hand on her stomach t
ravel further down. I slipped it inside the top of her shorts when suddenly I felt her tense. Fuck! I immediately pulled away. How could I be so stupid to even think of taking advantage of her in this kind of state? “I’m so sorry, Harper. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  I was about to sit up when Harper pulled me back down toward her. She didn’t say anything; her olive, gray eyes just continued to watch me. I couldn’t move, frozen in place by this beautiful girl. The room fell eerily silent. I swear I could hear my own heart beating; I could definitely feel it banging against my ribcage.

  I wanted him; that much was true. Not only did I want him to take the pain away, but also there was something about him… some kind of connection between us. I’d never wanted anyone else this way before, not even Nicolas.

  I’d hoped that sleeping with Nicolas would help erase all my memories of what that disgusting man had done to me years ago, but it didn’t. We never had the connection that Jackson and I shared. Nicolas had been the one to save me, but he was doing his job. I knew deep down that Jackson was the one. He could help me finally move on. The only question was: would he want to?

  “I don’t know about this, Harper. It doesn’t feel right,” he whispered, pulling away from me again.

  “I need you, Jackson. I need you to help me take it all away.”

  He shook his head. “That’s impossible. You need to be talking to someone, not letting me take advantage of you.”

  I couldn’t help but smile; he thought he was taking advantage of me. “Is that what you think you’re doing?” I teased.

  His brows pulled together; he obviously didn’t find my humor in the current situation amusing. I sighed and dropped my hands from around his neck, letting them rest on either side of me.

  “I don’t want to talk to anyone, Jackson. It was hard enough telling you, and I’m scared to death now that it’s in someone else’s hands.”

  “I’m never going to do that to you again, Harper, especially with this. I hated myself knowing I’d hurt you the first time. I’m not going to do that again.” He leaned down, and I closed my eyes as he pressed a kiss on my forehead. “But if you want to truly overcome what that man did, you need to speak to a professional. You have built-up emotions that you can’t control. You can’t keep hurting yourself, Harper.” There was a small pause before he continued in a quiet voice. “You know what I’m terrified of?”

  “What?”

  “Losing you. Coming home one of these days to find out I’m too late… If you won’t speak to anyone, please, at least talk to me.”

  He shifted above me, switching the arm he was leaning on, and with his new free hand he picked up mine and held it to his mouth. He pressed his lips against my knuckles. “I never thought I’d find anyone like you, Harper.”

  I couldn’t help but scoff. “Finding a messed-up, suicidal girl who uses drugs to try and solve her issues is not something to be proud of.”

  “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” He’d said it in a serious tone, but there was lightness in his eyes. “Without you, I wouldn’t have had the strength to fight my own demons. Behind that spoiled, tough exterior you portray, there’s a human.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off; I closed my mouth. “Fragile and incredibly broken, yes, but even deeper than that, I see a girl who is fighting so damn hard against the monsters. She’s brave, extremely talented, beautiful, and most importantly, she’s a survivor, a warrior. Don’t give up on that girl, Harper. Let her know you’re there, just as I am and always will be.”

  I reached up and kissed him hard. He hesitated for a moment, but there was no getting away from me, not this time. Wrapping my arms back around his neck, I brought him down so we were back in the same position as we were earlier.

  When I felt him begin to relax, I decided it was time to let his neck go and I let my hands travel down his chest. I got to the bottom and slipped my hands up the inside. Gripping the edges of his shirt, I trailed my fingers slowly up his hard abs, taking his shirt up with them.

  He pulled back and shot up to his knees, eagerly ripping off his shirt; that was when I pounced. I sat up and jumped to straddle the newly-bare-chested Jackson, who looked a little surprised by how quickly I’d moved. With a devious grin, I reached for the bottom of my own shirt, lifting it up and over my head, then throwing it somewhere behind me.

  I didn’t give him time to question what we were doing; I had my mouth back on his almost instantly.

  I let my fingernails drag up his chest, thrilled by the feeling of his stomach muscles tensing under my touch. Jackson’s hands made their way back to my tits. This time, he pulled the material down from my bra so my breasts poured out over the top of the cups. My nipples reacted immediately to his touch, causing another moan—this time loud—to escape. The heat between my legs was growing, and I rocked myself against him to try and relieve some of the tension.

  “Fuck.” I heard him groan as he continued teasing my nipples between his fingers.

  “Touch me,” I exhaled, rocking against him.

  “Harper…”

  “Please, I told you I want this.”

  Just when I thought he was going to stop and pull away, ready to go into another discussion, one of his hands slowly trailed down my stomach and stopped at the top of my denim shorts.

  “Do it… I need it,” I pleaded, knowing he was deliberating on whether to do so or not.

  His other hand left my breast to help undo the button of my shorts. Once it was undone, his hand quickly travelled back up again and continued to tease my over-stimulated nipple.

  He slipped his hand inside and ran a finger along the top of my panties. My body ached for him, but I also felt the darkness hovering close by. I was determined not to let it ruin this moment. I needed to push the images of that sick man away forever and create new ones with Jackson; this was my chance.

  He paused from kissing me. “I need you to be sure, Harper.”

  “I’m sure,” I answered, my eyes fluttering closed.

  “Look at me.”

  I immediately obeyed. “You say stop, and we stop. Okay? I mean it.”

  I nodded. I knew he was trying to do the right thing, but it was hard to concentrate when your body was running on overdrive. He nodded back before slipping his hand inside my panties and pushing a single finger inside.

  Finally! I let out a loud gasp as I felt my entire body light up as if it were on fire. Our mouths found each other’s again, and we kissed while his finger gently pumped inside me. He let his thumb work circular motions, causing me to shiver under his magic touch. It felt incredible, but I needed more. “Take me to bed,” I managed to say in between kisses.

  I stood up carrying Harper, and gently placed her across the bed. Kneeling over her, I paused momentarily, fascinated by all the tattoos. I could see them more clearly, now that she lay in only her unbuttoned denim shorts and a bra. All the small symbols and drawings decorating her arms, her hands and fingers. There were still too many to count, but the two large ones on her ribs caught my attention. The Pink Floyd lyrics, I’d already seen, and on the other side was an enormous black and gray Phoenix with its wings stretched out above its head. It covered almost all of her left side. The way the artist had represented the mythological bird was hauntingly beautiful. I wanted to ask whether it stood for one of her middle names, since I knew Phoenix was one of them, or whether it symbolized something else. The sun? Re-birth—Now’s not the time, idiot!

  I snapped out of my thoughts and found Harper’s eyes carefully watching me. She looked more beautiful than ever, lying there with her long, golden-blonde hair splayed out over the pillow. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen her without make-up, but it was the first time I’d noticed the freckles lightly dusted on her nose and her cheeks. They made her seem younger, more innocent—if it weren’t for the corner of her pink lips, swollen from our make-out session. Her mouth twisted up into a mischievous smile, and her eyes glittered with the thought of something
naughty on her mind. But there was something else, too. I could see her vulnerability, the nervous girl hiding behind the valiant mask she wore on a daily basis. I opened my mouth to ask her a question, the same question I’d been asking the whole time, if this was what she really wanted, but she must have anticipated it this time and reached for the top of my jeans. She blinked and when she reopened her eyes again, all the vulnerability and worry in her eyes was gone.

  “No more talk,” she smirked.

  I let out a laugh as she tugged me closer to her, wrapping her legs around me as she tackled my belt buckle.

  I pressed a kiss on her forehead as I leaned forward and ripped the rest of my jeans off using my feet. I sat back up, suddenly feeling conscious that Harper was lying there, shamelessly raking her eyes up and down my almost-naked body. I’d never cared how girls saw me before until now. For some reason, it mattered to me what Harper thought of me.

  While I was lost in my own thoughts, I barely noticed Harper wriggling out of her own shorts until I felt the bed move and the sound of a small thud on the ground.

  “I hope you don’t plan on zoning in and out like that while we’re doing it,” she teased, settling back into position underneath me.

  My eyes flicked back to her and my breath caught at the sight of her in only her underwear. I said she was beautiful before, but the sight I had now rendered me speechless.

  “Can… can I say something first?” I managed to get out.

  Harper giggled, probably laughing at the idiotic look I had on my face. “Go on.”

  I stretched out, catching both her hands and entwining them with mine before resting them on either side of her head, and hovered over her. “What I said before still stands. ‘You say stop, we stop’.” She nodded slowly, her smile disappearing as I continued. “What that man did to you is unspeakable. I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through because of it. I can’t change the past, Harper, but I can try to ease your pain.” I began kissing each tattoo I could see, starting with the ones on her arms. “I want to rid every memory you have of him and replace them with the new ones we’re about to make. He doesn’t own you anymore, Harper. He can’t control you.” I lowered myself so I could kiss the large tattoos on her body, slipping a hand behind her back and unclipping her bra at the same time. As I placed her bra to the side of the bed, I caught sight of another tattoo of five simple words written underneath her left breast. Breathe In, Breathe Out, Repeat. I kissed it three times before moving up to her dusty-pink nipple and taking it in my mouth. I sucked it gently, moving my tongue in circular motions before kissing it, and then moved toward the other, repeating the process over.