“I can’t do this anymore,” she repeated over and over through her tears.
I started to rock her, kissing the top of her head before whispering, “You don’t have to. I’m here, Harper, and I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to help you get through this.” I closed my eyes and squeezed her tighter.
We sat out there like that for I don’t know how long. I didn’t care. I was too afraid to move, too shaken up knowing there could have been a completely different outcome. With that, I realized something important. I may have saved her this time, but I wasn’t going to be able to be around her all the time. Harper needed help, and not just any help. Every other time, her parents threw her into rehab without knowing what the real cause was. To be fair, she never told them, but they never seemed to care enough to listen. I hardly believed she was going to listen to me if I told her to go, which left only one person. Hawke. Her older brother was the one person she spoke fondly of. She never had a bad word to say about him and if anyone was going to get her to listen, it was going to be him. But telling him meant betraying Harper’s trust. I’d already done that, and look what happened; I was afraid of what would happen if I did it again. I had a hard decision to make, and I had to make it soon.
I lay curled up on Jackson’s bed with the blanket wrapped around me while I stared at the back of my hand. I didn’t know how long it had been, time was of no importance to me, I only knew that I hadn’t moved since Jackson laid me down. Jackson had been nothing short of amazing, yet I couldn’t find my voice to say something to him. He’d carried me down from the rooftop and into the bathroom, where he’d helped me out of my wet clothes and into the shower. The water burned my skin, but I didn’t say a word or complain; instead, I embraced the pain because it allowed me feel something other than the numbness that engulfed me.
I didn’t see Jackson much, but I knew he was never too far away; I constantly heard him opening the bedroom door or moving things around the room. Truth was, I didn’t think he ever left unless it was to use the bathroom or take a phone call.
Even though I was technically alive and still breathing, thanks to Jackson interfering, I felt more like an empty shell. There was no life left in me to fight. I didn’t want to anymore; why couldn’t anyone see that? If I had the strength in me to laugh, I would. How could I have failed to end my life not once but twice? Both times saved when I never wanted to be. Why did it seem so easy for Quinn? She was smart enough to make it look as though it were an accident. She’d fooled us all and now she was up there, far away from the evils of this place.
I wondered what it felt like to die. Would I still be me, with my memories intact, looking down at everyone on Earth from the clouds above? Or would it be like sleeping? You know, that dreamless, peaceful sleep where everything is black and your mind shuts off until you’re suddenly jolted awake, only that part wouldn’t happen. I hoped it was the latter; the sooner I forgot about my past and the memories that haunted me, the better.
“I’ve brought you something to eat,” I heard Jackson say softly from somewhere above me. I didn’t answer, too focused on counting the tiny, fine hairs on the back of my hand. “Harper, you need to eat… You don’t have to talk to me, but please eat.”
I wasn’t hungry and I definitely didn’t want to talk. I closed my eyes, hoping he’d disappear if I did so. No such luck. Instead, I felt his warm fingers wrap around my chin, and he turned my face toward him. With an inward sigh, I slowly opened my eyes and came face to face with tired, bright-blue eyes just inches away from me.
“Eat,” he said in a firmer voice.
I tried to turn away, but he wasn’t having any of it. He held his firm grip, not allowing me to look away while he stared down at me. His eyes flared with anger, something I hadn’t seen in him for a while. I couldn’t understand where his anger was coming from, but it was beginning to cause my own anger to build up inside of me.
“I’m not hungry!” I spat out. He let go of my face, allowing me to finally turn away.
“Finally!”
Hearing his response caused me to frown, and I twisted my face around so I was looking at him. Had he only done that to get a reaction from me? It didn’t take long for me to figure out the answer.
“I know you’re hurting and I know I’m not on the top of your list of favorite people right now, but it doesn’t mean you can just give up on me.” He glanced at the ground and then awkwardly scratched his head, further messing up his damp, dark hair. “You scared me up there, Harper. I came so close to losing you today. Did you ever stop to think about how what you did would have affected your family and those who love you?”
I scoffed. Did he honestly believe my family cared if I were no longer alive? “They don’t care, and they don’t love me. They’d be pleased that I’d no longer be a burden to them.”
“I love you!” he answered immediately.
My eyes flew straight to his. An awkward smile grew on his weary face. I needed to blink but my eyelids refused to close, frozen in place because of those three simple words. He dropped the hand he had in his hair to his side and sat down on the edge of the bed beside me. I shuffled over to give him more room. “And I’d fucking hate you for leaving me alone in this world,” he admitted in a quiet voice. “Did you mean what you said up there?”
I searched my brain to try to work out what he was talking about. I couldn’t remember much of the incident, only that Jackson had kept an important secret from me and what I had planned on doing didn’t go as planned.
“You said you’d fallen for me. Is that true?” He straightened his posture. “If you meant it, I need to know. You have no idea what you do to me, Harper. I’d be lost in this world without you.”
I waited until Harper was fast asleep before I snuck quietly out of the room. With a sigh, I leaned my head back so it rested against the closed door and shut my eyes. What was I going to do? The girl I loved lay inside the room, broken so many times I wasn’t sure she could ever be fixed. I felt helpless. I couldn’t give up, and I would never, but what was I to do?
I sank down to my knees. Time seemed to stand still as I stared at the floor. My mind wouldn’t work. All I could think about was barely making it in time to save Harper.
“Jackson, honey, what are you doing?”
I glanced up upon hearing my name and my mum gasped when she saw my face. She dropped down beside me, calling out for my father to come.
“What’s happened? Are you okay? Jackson, answer me. HUGO!”
I heard my father’s heavy footsteps racing up the stairs before he dropped down in front of me.
“Son, talk to me! What’s happened?” Even my father’s voice sounded panicked. “You need to talk, Jackson.” I felt his hand on my forehead, and then on my cheek. He checked my pulse, first on my wrist then the side of my throat, while my mum grew hysterical by his side. “He’s all right, Julz. He’s just in shock.”
My dad helped me up, put my arm around his shoulder, and carried me toward my bedroom. “I can’t, I can’t leave her,” I managed to choke out, anxious that we’d left Harper’s room unguarded.
“Who is he talking about, Hugo?” Mum asked as Dad cleared the bed and lowered me down on it.
“Harper,” I answered. “Dad, she needs help.”
Mum gasped, “Is something wrong with her? I have to call her family.” Mum started stressing, running around trying to work out what to do; it was driving me crazy.
“Mum, stop!” I yelled out, which caused both my parents to flinch. I sat up on the bed. “There’s something I need to tell you both.” Here went nothing.
I quickly filled them in on the situation happening between Harper and me. Mum freaked while Dad just nodded and took it in.
“Why haven’t I noticed anything?”
“Oh, come on, Julz; you mean to tell me you haven’t noticed the way the two of them have been behaving? Snapping at each other, being secretive. I’m barely even home, and I picked up on it immediately.”
“The night I drilled you about taking my alcohol and she stuck up for you? I noticed then. I saw the way you two looked at each other. I may be old, but I know young love when I see it. Did I worry? Of course, I did; Harper’s parents are going to flip out. But, am I ashamed? No, I’m not. You aren’t blood-related and are both grown adults. I know I raised you right, and I trust you in whatever you choose to do.”
My vision began to blur. I smiled at my dad, trying to keep the tears from falling.
“So, then what’s happened?” Mum asked.
I took a deep breath; Harper was going to hate me forever, but it was the only way I could save her. I stood up and walked over to the wall where the journal laid flat, pages faced down. I picked it up and handed it over to my parents.
“Hey, Hawke’s arrived,” Blake said, hovering in the doorway of my room. I glanced over at him briefly before turning back to face the blank screen of my MacBook. It’d been one whole day since the incident on the roof, one long whole day. I hadn’t left my room, and according to my brother, neither had Harper. I hadn’t heard much apart from that, only that my parents were keeping a very close eye on her until her parents arrived. I’d called her brother, Hawke, the instant it happened. He boarded the first plane he could and had landed less than an hour ago. Dad had called the squad and my university, informing them only that a family emergency had occurred. My parents took turns checking in on me, and Harper, as well. I was fine; I kept telling them that, but they wouldn’t listen. The only thing I worried about was Harper; whether she would ever speak to me again after everything I did, whether she was going to be all right, and whether she was strong enough to overcome this.
“How is she?” I asked, my voice still hoarse.
Blake made his way over and sat on the edge of my bed beside me. “Why don’t you just go speak to her?”
I shook my head but didn’t look up. “She doesn’t want to see me.”
“You saved her life! Why the hell wouldn’t she?”
I closed my MacBook shut and tossed it aside on the bed. I felt my eyes well up with new tears. “Blake, you didn’t see the way she looked at me when I told Mum about the day she jumped in the pool. She told me she hated me. Imagine what she must be thinking now that I’ve told everyone this one.”
“You can’t look at it like that. You did the right thing, and she’ll see that eventually. She needs professional help, Jackson; that’s more than you can offer her.”
“She was getting better.” I glanced up to look at him and he shook his head.
“No. Look, I may be fifteen but I notice things. The happiness she felt was only a Band-Aid to an underlying problem. And you had your own demons to try and overcome. Yeah, I know about the drinking. I used to smell it whenever I snuck into your room. Jackson, you can’t fix someone wholly without fixing yourself first.”
Wow. When did my fifteen-year-old brother become so wise? But even though he was right, his words didn’t make me feel any better. “Look, just go speak to her. It’s the only way you’ll start to heal.”
A small smile played on my face. I was lucky to have the brother I had.
“Where is she?”
The sound of my brother’s voice filled my mind, and my eyes fluttered open. I had to be imagining it. There’d be no way Hawke—
The door swung open and before I could stop him, a huge, blond-haired figure came rushing over and launched himself at me. His arms wrapped around my slender frame tightly. “Hawke?”
“Harper!”
I burst into tears of part-joy, part-grief. I threw my arms around my brother and let myself cry into his chest. “Don’t ever do that again! Don’t! You hear me!” he said firmly, a sob escaping him. My brother, the tough, nobody-would-dare-mess-with-me guy, was actually crying. “I can’t lose you, too, Harp. I don’t want to go through that pain again.”
We remained that way for a long time. It was only when I eventually calmed down and stopped crying that he slowly loosened his hold, but kept his arms around me.
“I’m messed up and I need help, Hawke,” I muttered quietly.
Hawke squeezed me tighter. “We can’t help who we fall in love with, Harp.”
I pulled away enough to look up at his face. It was as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. How did he know I was talking about something else and not what I had tried to do to myself? Because he knows you!
Hawke was the last person in the world I ever expected to understand how I felt. My big brother, the guy who threatened any boy that looked mine and Quinn’s way, would never say anything like that unless. “It’s the blonde girl, isn’t it?” I asked curiously, remembering the pictures I’d seen recently on the internet. “The one with the Yankees’ player brother who hates you.”
Other than his cheeks turning a slight shade of pink, Hawke showed no other emotion on his face or was trying hard not to. “How do you know that?” he asked suspiciously. I held back a smile, the first time I’d felt like smiling since my suicide attempt.
After a moment, Hawke rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Never mind. Damn, social media,” he grumbled.
I scrunched up my face. “Gross, she’s only a year older than me!”
One side of his face twisted into a smile. “Oh, and you can talk! You’re in love with our cousin!”
Jackson had obviously told his parents, and in turn they told my brother, which meant my entire family knew. I waited for the anger to build up, but it didn’t. In fact, I felt nothing.
I might have been still in shock, or perhaps it was because our conversation sounded ridiculous, but I suddenly found myself laughing.
Hawke wasn’t sure how to respond at first, but soon enough he was laughing out loud with me. We ultimately collapsed onto the mattress. Hawke kept an arm around my shoulder as I leaned in closer and snuggled up to him. A smile grew on my face as I stared up at the ceiling. It was a nice feeling having my brother close; knowing he was here for me and wasn’t going anywhere made what was left of my heart swell.
“I guess we’re both messed-up.”
“It’s okay to be a little messed-up,” he replied, turning his face to the side and planting a kiss on my forehead. “By the way, I’m proud of you, little sis.”
“What for?”
“It’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say you’ve needed help. That’s a big step, Harp.”
“Do you think I’ll get there?” I asked in almost a whisper.
He nodded. “It will be a long and difficult road, but you have the love and support of your family, of your aunty and uncle’s family, and Jackson. You’ll get there, Harp. You just have to want it.”
Harper was leaving today, and although I hadn’t yet spoken to her, I wasn’t going to allow her to leave without getting to say goodbye to her first.
While our parents were downstairs, talking amongst each other, I tiptoed out of my room, down the hall, and knocked softly on Harper’s. I crossed my fingers that Hawke wasn’t with her; he’d barely let her out of his sight over the last few days.
Harper opened the door and her eyes widened. “Jackson? I, umm, I wasn’t expecting you.” She seemed nervous to see me; perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea in the first place.
“I just wanted to see you before you left.”
She opened the door wide enough for me to step inside and closed it behind me.
There was a large, half-filled, opened designer suitcase sitting on top of her bed, while two full, matching overnight bags rested on the ground by the bed. A small smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as I remembered back to the day Harper arrived.
“I’m almost finished,” she said, pointing to the pile of clothes on the floor still needing to be packed.
I allowed myself to smile. “I’ll never understand why girls always over-pack.”
“I was staying for three months!” she retorted. I worried that I’d upset her, but when I turned to face her, she was
smiling.
I dared to take a step toward her. “I’ll miss you,” I said in a quiet voice, my eyes falling to the ground.
Suddenly, soft, thin hands took hold of mine. Harper raised them up to her lips and kissed the top of both my hands. “I’m going to miss you, too. So much.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I dropped my hands and threw my arms around her. “I’m sorry, Harper. I’m sorry I broke your promise. I’m sorry I hid Quinn’s journal. I’m sorry for everything.”
“Jackson, it’s okay; I don’t blame you. You were only trying to help, and I’m the one who should be apologizing. I was hurt and angry, but not at you, at myself.”
“But?”
“You saved me, Jackson. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be alive. I’m sick. I know that, but without you, without your love, I wouldn’t have had the courage to admit it and the strength I now have to try and fight it.” A tear fell down her cheek. “I love you, Jackson,” she choked out.
It was probably wrong of me, but I wasn’t in control of my body anymore; it was moving on its own. I kissed her. I kissed her like I was about to lose her, like she was the only girl for me, like she was all that mattered in this world.
“Wait for me,” she whispered when our lips finally parted and we were both breathing heavily.
I smiled a sad smile. “I would wait forever for you.”
I looked around the immaculate white room with the fancy, vintage furnishings that was going to be home for the next twelve weeks. The enormous mansion, not much bigger than my family home, was built on a large block of secured land covered in green grass and palm trees that overlooked the beach. It contained only twelve rooms; apparently, they only allowed a small number of patients in so they could focus on each of us better. They also had a large number of doctors on hand which we could call on any time of the day. Everyone had been overly friendly so far, which I was hoping was only due to my parents’ presence, because it was downright creepy at times. But no matter what I thought about the place, I was honestly happy to be here. I wanted to get better. I wanted to get through this, for my family, for Jackson, for myself.
All That Matters Page 20