Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre

by ed. Tim W. Lieder

  They both began to speak at the same time. "When did you become Lord Aspern?" Susi asked, just as Aspern said, "And when did you and Mr. Wetherby meet, Miss Lupine?"

  "I'm sorry, Lord Aspern," Susi said, with a nervous giggle.

  "Oh...call me Reggie," Aspern said gallantly. "Until last year, I didn't even know I had a grandfather, let alone one with a title. My mother never said much about my dad, except that he had a taste for women and whiskey, and knew a good land deal when he saw one."

  "All of which I'm sure you inherited," Susi murmured.

  Aspern went on, "I'm quite fascinated by this engagement of yours. It wasn't announced in the newspapers, or banns posted, or anything like that."

  "Well, we haven't really set the date," Susi said. "See, we both work for the same insurance company, and they don't like it when two employees marry. One of them has to leave, and neither of us really wants to."

  "How short-sighted of them," Aspern said. His brain was ticking away. Perhaps he could get the land with a spot of blackmail. As it was, the south of France was slipping through his fingers with every minute he spent with this wretched girl.

  Susi clutched at his arm. "Oh, you wouldn't say anything, would you? Because if you did, we'd have to break our engagement."

  "I wouldn't want you to do that," Aspern crooned. He looked out the window, expecting to see the Edwardian architecture of the Ritz Hotel. Instead, he was affronted by a garish display of neon tubing wreathing a door painted an aggressive orange.

  "Belton!"

  The henchman turned in his seat to gaze at his boss. "Something wrong?"

  "Where are we?"

  "You said the Ritz. Best new restaurant in London. Favorite of all the stars. Says so in the Michelin Guide."

  "I meant the restaurant at the Ritz Hotel, not some gimcrack hang-out for the Rich and Famous." Aspern regarded the line at the door, then smiled weakly at Susi, who smiled gamely back. "Well, I hope they can find us a table for two. I wasn't expecting company, Miss Lupine."

  "I'll bet you weren't," Susi said to herself. Aloud she said, "You can call me Susi."

  Aspern smiled with false sweetness at Susi, and mouthed over her head, "Do something!"

  "When do you want me back?" Belton asked, ignoring the pleas of his putative employer.

  Aspern's ferocious stare would have incinerated any lesser mortal. Belton had put up with far worse over the years, and was by now immune to his boss's tantrums.

  "Ah...after dinner," Aspern said, trying to ignore the infamous satchel, which remained in the car.

  "I'll give ya two hours, then I'll be around," Belton announced, removing the limo and any chance for Aspern to escape. All of London (at least, the London that Mattered) wanted to get into the Ritz. There was nothing to do but go forward. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Reginald Napier, Lord Aspern heard the voices of his noble forbears exhorting him. He would have to be bold, firm, and resolute, and get rid of this girl before the night was out, so that he could break that peppercorn rent and claim what was his (or what would be ‘Bonnie Burgers').

  The trouble with fashionable eating-spots, Aspern decided, was that they were full of people. The table he had booked so carefully in advance was not ready, and the duo had to sit in the bar for half an hour, nibbling salted snacks and watching the Rich and Famous being let in ahead of them. It took at least three tries before the maitre d’hôte approached the cheerful couple, since Lime Green Jello and his entire entourage, two film stars, and a Minor Royal had precedence over a mere Lord and his date. The joint was jumping, but the staff wasn't, and Susi and Aspern were shoved into a back corner while The Beautiful People claimed the attention of every waiter and barman in the place. By the time the waiter arrived, Susi was ready to eat anything, including her reluctant host. She settled for rack of lamb.

  Aspern looked about, seeking a means of escape. Unfortunately, they were hemmed in by Lime Green Jello and his rock band, who were celebrating their newest record deal with champagne. Every time Aspern tried to excuse himself, an oddly-dressed person of indeterminate sex pressed a glass on him and demanded that he drink to the success of Lime Green Jello. Aspern smiled weakly and complied, since lifting heavy electronic equipment and smashing guitars onstage had given the band members and the groupies impressive upper body development. Lime Green Jello himself was on the scrawny side, but he made up for it in sheer lung power.

  On her part, Susi kept glancing at her watch, making calculations based on the local astronomical tables. For a moment she wondered if what she was about to spring on her host was a little over the top, but then she decided that he should be taught a lesson in manners. This was not 1485, and peppercorn rents were decidedly passe. Besides, there was every indication that he had not intended to keep his end of the bargain in the first place. He had only ordered a table for one, and he had that hunted look in his eye. She could smell the pheromones that inevitably indicated that someone was lying. Susi smiled at her host, and tried to listen to what he was saying over the roar of the crowd.

  "Why did you decide to demand your peppercorn rent?" Susi asked her date. "I mean, Daddy Wetherby said that your grandfather never even bothered to ask about it, and took a token sum every year. I just can't understand why you'd want to put those nice people out of their home. You seem like a reasonable man, Reggie. Why don't you just let them pay a nominal sum per year, like everyone else, instead of this silly medieval peppercorn nonsense?"

  "Tradition," was all that Aspern could come up with. Luckily, the dessert cart arrived at the same time.

  Aspern shuddered at his peppercorn rent's voracious appetite. She worked her way through a trifle and followed it with a slice of blackberry crumble. He tried to remove himself, but once again Lime Green Jello forestalled him.

  "Can't leave the little lady, mate!" caroled the leader, in his best faux- Aussie accent. Aspern was hauled back to the table to pay his bill. Susi checked the time once again. She was beginning to get an all too familiar tingly feeling. For her plan to work, they had to have some privacy.

  "Reggie, isn't it time for us to get back to your hotel?" she coaxed him.

  Belton was waiting back at the limousine. "Thought you'd dumped her by now," Belton whispered, as Aspern helped insert Susi into the car.

  "Not a hope," Aspern hissed.

  Susi smiled brightly, and tapped the satchel with her toe. "Where to now?" she asked.

  Aspern looked at Belton for an answer. . . any answer. "The Club's got a new band," Belton announced. "Some weird dessert name,...."

  "Lime Green Jello?" Susi asked.

  "That's it!"

  "Why, we just had dinner with them," Aspern said. He turned to Susi. "The night's still young. Let's go dancing!"

  "Dancing?" Susi quavered. This was cutting it close! Of course, she'd have to be near a window for her plan to work, so a dance hall sounded safe enough.

  "Dancing," Aspern decided. In the general ruck of a dance hall he could lose his peppercorn rent, blame her for getting cold feet, and dispossess the Wetherby's the next morning.

  It took some time for Belton to navigate through the medieval streets of the City of London, and get over the bridge. There, the Rolls joined the queue in front of the former warehouse in the seedy district on the wrong side of the Thames. Even if there hadn't been a mob scene in the narrow lane leading to the door, no one could miss the place. The walls were covered with orange and green paint, the door was plastered with used postage stamps, and the skylights were open to reveal the clear, starry sky.

  "Whoever owns this joint must be making a mint," Susi observed, as she saw the throng lined up at the door.

  The large tattooed individual at the door looked at the two in their oh-so-proper attire and turned up his nose. "Too old!" he decreed, sneering at Aspern. Then he checked Susi out, in her skin-tight black dress. "You pass." He lifted the rope to let Susi in.

  "What! I'll have you know..." Aspern fumed.

  "Maybe we should g
o somewhere more...private?" Susi hinted. The moon would rise at any minute, and she didn't want to be in the open when it did.

  She was distracted by a burst of applause as another party arrived.

  "It's you!" caroled Lime Green Jello.

  "Can't get away from us, can you?" Susi said,.

  "You know these people?" The bouncer asked suspiciously.

  "We just dined together," Aspern told him.

  "In a manner of speaking," Susi added.

  Lime Green Jello nodded and winked. "Let 'em in," he told the bouncer.

  They passed through into the vast interior of the Club. Apparently, ambiance was nothing, noise was everything to the Young and Bored. Susi wished she had brought her earplugs. Even without Lime Green Jello the din was spectacular, rendering conversation useless, if not impossible. The Club catered to the young and grungy, with various legal and illegal substances flowing copiously. The air was wreathed with smoke, some of which was tobacco. Black was the color of the evening, rendered in leather, lace, and shredded denim. Susi amused herself by counting the number of nose, navel and nipple rings she could spot, while Aspern checked out the exits and entrances, with an eye to possible escape from this howling hell.

  "Why don't I find us some drinks?" Aspern tried to edge away from his unwanted date.

  "I'd better go with you, or we'll get separated in this crowd." Susi grabbed his arm and held on like grim death.

  "That was the general idea," Aspern muttered, as he shoved through a mass of writhing bodies to a long table at one end of the room.

  The band on the platform in the middle of the room came to a screeching finale.

  "And now....Lime Green Jello!" boomed out from the many speakers that decked the walls.

  Lime Green Jello took his place at the microphone, his guitar slung somewhere in the vicinity of his crotch. Aspern wriggled out of Susi's grasp, with every intention of heading for the door and freedom. Overhead, the stars shone through the skylight of the former factory....and the moon shone with them.

  Susi felt that monthly tingle in her fingers and toes as the moonlight touched her. Her skin grew hot and hairy, while her hands turned into paws with long, sharp nails. She could feel a tail emerging, thrusting through her underwear. Her dress was strangling her, and she writhed out of it, leaving the once-elegant garment to be trampled underfoot by combat boots and stiletto heels. Her face elongated into a muzzle. Her teeth grew long and sharp. Her vision blurred, colors receding, until her world was black and white and shades of gray. At the same time the odors in the tightly-packed room seemed to explode into her brain. Body secretions, burning tobacco and cannabis, even more exotic scents drove her into a frenzy. She pointed her muzzle to the open skylight and let out a howl of sheer delight, as Lime Green Jello whanged into his first number.

  The overtones of the guitar slid upwards, past the range of human hearing. Susi's sensitive ears twitched in pain, and she let out another howl.

  All around her, the crowd of dancers gazed in astonishment, adding their voices to hers. They didn't know what it was, but they wanted to be part of whatever was going on. They had never seen anything like this before, and they didn't want to miss a thing.

  Susi leaped onto the stage, slavering and snarling. Lime Green Jello was enthralled. He worked himself into a frenzy of guitar glissandos and keyboard-crashing chords, while Susi yowled and pawed the air. The Young and the Bored were bored no more! They imitated her every move, thrashing and snarling, clawing the air and generally rampaging around the transfixed Aspern, who suddenly realized what he had escaped. "She knew!" he said aloud, to the unhearing crowd.

  It suddenly occurred to him that now was as good a time as any to remove himself from The Club. He edged out of the crowd, and ran for the door....just as the police crashed in.

  "This place is closed, by order of Her Majesty's Government..." intoned the Chief Inspector in charge of the raid.

  "Whatever for?" Aspern queried.

  "Drugs," snapped the nearest constable.

  "But I'm Lord Aspern...."

  "Then you should be ashamed of yourself, running about like a teenager," the constable scolded him.

  Aspern found himself bundled into a police van with the rest of the lot, carted off to the local police station, and booked. His only consolation was that Susi was not with him, ergo, he could now claim that the peppercorn rent had not been received, and he could still seize the Wetherby property. Bonnie Burgers was within his grasp.

  A snarling, howling, writhing Something jumped into the van with him.

  "What the Hell...!" Aspern gasped.

  "Is this your dog?" A policewoman gave him the look one gives a child molester. "Fancy bringing a fine animal to a place like that!"

  Aspern shook his head in disbelief. Susi Lupine was not giving up! If, indeed, that WAS Susi Lupine. . . Aspern closed his eyes and wished desperately that his grandfather had never left him this ridiculous legacy.

  It was a long, long night for Lord Aspern. He was fingerprinted, mug-shot, and herded into a waiting room with the rest of the Club's clientele, including Susi Lupine, who seemed to have returned, minus the Little Black Dress. The police matron found a shapeless cotton garment with which to cover her trim body. Aspern cowered in a corner as one by one the participants in the Club's arcane rituals were questioned, tested for illicit substance ingestion, and led to the telephone, where they could contact their lawyers or parents to come and get them out in the morning. Somewhere around three AM Aspern was permitted to call the Dorchester, and give Belton his instructions.

  It was dawn when Belton arrived, carrying a suit on a hanger for Lord Aspern and the satchel for Susi Lupine. Behind him loomed Jan Wetherby and a short, stout man in a soberly-cut suit who turned out to be Lord Aspern's solicitor, Mr. Dawson.

  "I thought you might need this," Belton explained, handing the boss more acceptable clothing than the nowrumpled Armani tuxedo.

  "And I thought Miss Lupine might need this," Jan added, handing over the satchel.

  Once the legal formalities had been concluded, Lord Aspern stepped out of the police station and into a blaze of light that had nothing to do with the rising sun.

  "Lord Aspern? What were you doing at the Club?" yelled one of the reporters.

  "Dancing?" Aspern stammered out. He stared wildly around for help.

  Before he could go any farther, the Press found more interesting meat for the daily tabloids. "It's Lime Green Jello!"

  All thoughts of Lord Aspern were thrown to the winds, as the Press converged on the Man of the Hour. A tall woman in a severely-cut Power Suit emerged from the crowd and took charge.

  "That's enough, boys," she instructed the Fourth Estate. "Lime Green was just performing at The Club. He has no other connection with it. Make sure you get that part straight."

  She marched forward and hissed, "Remember, we've got a very important deal to close!" Lime Green Jello shrugged and started down the street, the Press in hot pursuit.

  "Hey, Lime Green! Do you know this bird?" someone at the back of the crowd yelled.

  "She's the wildest dancer in London!" Lime Green exclaimed.

  "Ah...I must have been under the influence of someone else's smoke," Susi said quickly. "But thanks, Lime."

  "You can call me Jeff," Lime Green Jello told her. "And any time you get tired of this wimp, you can tour with us."

  "Now there's an offer I can refuse," Susi said, as Jan and Aspern closed in around her and Mr. Dawson shooed the rest of the Press away. Belton drove through the mob, and headed the limo towards Kensington and the Wetherby house.

  The neighbors got another eyeful when the Rolls turned the corner and Aspern, Dawson, Jan and Susi emerged and marched into the house, where the Wetherby family was waiting in the front room to greet the returning heroine.

  "We spent the night together," Susi declared. "Of course, we had some company, but I'd say the terms of the peppercorn rent were fulfilled."

  "Now wait
just one minute, young woman!" Aspern snapped out peevishly.

  Jan smiled down upon his landlord. There were times when a six-inch difference in height came in useful, and this was one of them.

  "While you and Miss Lupine were cavorting all over London..." he began.

  "We were not cavorting," Aspern objected. "We were dining and dancing."

  "Well, I was dancing," Susi admitted. "I think." She rarely remembered anything she had done during her monthly bouts of moonstruck mayhem.

  "As I said," Jan continued, disregarding the interruption, "I have been doing some research into this peppercorn rent of ours. Computers are wonderful things for research," he added, with a condescending smile at Lord Aspern and a wink at Susi.

  "And...?" Major Wetherby asked anxiously.

  "It seems that if the peppercorn rent is not paid, and the landlord refuses to accept the alternate rent, the land escheats to the Crown," the solicitor explained.

  "You mean I can't sell it to Bonnie Burgers after all?" wailed Aspern.

  "You son of a bitch!" Major Wetherby turned on him.

  "Oh, you've met my mother, have you?" Aspern commented.

  The Major was not to be deflected. "Turn my home into a flipping chip-shop will you?" He lunged at Aspern, only to be deflected by his lanky son.

  "That's why you wanted all those odd bits of property," Jan stated. "I had a very informative chat with Mr. Dawson as we were driving to the police station."

  "It's my land," whined Aspern. "I can rent it out to Bonnie Burgers if I like."

  "Well, you're not getting this place," Susi declared. "We spent the night together, and that's that."

  The solicitor concurred. "I believe, Lord Aspern, that you may have to call off the deal. The Bonnie Burger Corporation cannot possibly fulfill the terms of the peppercorn rent as stated in this document." He tapped the computer printout of the medieval deed.

  "And I so wanted to live in the South of France," moaned Aspern.

  "Do you have to rent out all your properties to Bonnie Burgers?" Susi asked. The odious lecher of last night had become a frightened little man in a suit far too youthful for him.