Loving Kate Beckett (The Loving Series Book 2)

by CC Monroe

  “I hope so.” Ben lets out a deep breath, running his hand through his full head of black hair.

  “I know her; she’s made up her mind.” With this, I lurch from the chair beside her bed and lean to give her forehead one last kiss before standing to my full height.

  “But I, however, need to have a word with Eric and make sure he’s in the right frame of mind before I send Kate into the lion’s den.”

  “I’ll go with. You good to stay here with her, angel mine?” Ben asks Sadie, and she gives a gentle nod while pushing up on her tiptoes to kiss Ben.

  “Call me the second she wakes up; I want to be here as soon as that happens.” I round the bed and bend to give Sadie a kiss on the cheek, and she pats my back.

  “I’ll call you when your girl is up.” She winks, and I shake my head. Kate is my girl, my woman, whether she's ready or not. She will always be and always has been my woman.

  “Thanks, Sadie.”

  After she gives Ben one last loving kiss, we leave.

  §

  “You don't plan to tell him shit, do you?” Ben asks from the passenger seat.

  “No, I’m not going to tell him anything that isn't mine to tell. I just want to make sure he isn't on a binge when she comes to tell him. I need him to be present when she gets here.”

  Ben nods knowingly. He gets it. He's been there.

  “And if he's cracked out of his mind?”

  “Then I will make Kate bring me with her to tell him. I know she’ll try to do it without me, but if he's deep on the stuff, I won’t let her go within five feet of him without me.” We turn down his street and into his apartment complex.

  “Does this change how you feel about Kate?” he asks.

  “No.” I don't even hesitate. “I’m not a coward, Ben. I love Kate in all forms and through anything.” I put my truck in park and turn off the engine.

  “Jealous?”

  “Not one bit,” I say with finality, terminating the conversation by climbing out and shutting the door. He follows behind me, and I make my way up the stairs. Getting to his door, I knock and wait. Ben and I look around to see if we can see his car, and when we spot it on the other side of the parking lot, we knock again. Knowing him, he’s either gone out to get a score or he’s asleep after a bender. No answer again, and this time I check the doorknob, and I’m not surprised to find it unlocked. Turning and shaking my head at Ben, we share that knowing look, and I push open the door.

  That’s when I’m actually surprised. A putrid smell wafts over Ben and me. The house is wrecked, and the trash is overflowing. The smell is most likely coming from one of the messes in the place.

  “Eric! Wake up! I need to talk to you!” I holler into the apartment before I take a step in. We never know who could be in there. Other junkies on the shit, ready to attack, or collectors waiting to jump us.

  “Eric!” I yell again, and when there’s no sound or movement, I walk in. Ben and I both cover our noses with the inside of our biceps. It smells awful, a scent I have smelled before but can’t place. Peering around to the kitchen and confirming it’s clear, I make my way to the hall. Flipping on the light in the bathroom, it’s just as destroyed, but he's not there.

  “This place is fucking awful. I knew it was bad, but this is a new low,” Ben says behind me as I make my way to the end of the hall where his bedroom door is slightly ajar. The stench grows the closer we get, and that’s when it hits me. Standing outside his door, memories of my past life with drugs flood me, and I know that smell. A scent I prayed I would never smell again.

  Dropping my head, I let out a low mumble. “Damn it, man.”

  “What? Is he in there? Is he with someone?” Ben asks from behind his arm, still trying to block out the stench.

  “No. Fuck.” Pushing the door open, I am met with exactly what I knew I would. Lying at the foot of his bed on the floor, a blue, lifeless Eric has a needle in his belted arm. His eyes are still open, and that image will haunt me for the rest of my life.

  I drop to my haunches and put my head in my hands. “Damn it, Eric.”

  “No. Nick. Is he…?”

  “Yeah. He is. Call 911.” I keep my hands over my mouth as Ben stumbles out of the room, messily dialing the authorities as I look over Eric. “You weren't supposed to let them win,” I whisper, dropping my head in my hands and dragging my fingers through my hair.

  I shouldn't have given up on him. Instantly, I’m filled with regret and blame. I was supposed to protect them all. This is what I’ve done since the day I found the band, but I threw my hands up and let him slip through my fingers, and now he's dead.

  Eric is dead, and he won’t get to know about his child. Kate won’t get to tell him, and this only deepens my guilt. This is all my fault. “Fuck!” I stand then and turn, slamming my fist against the wall. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! You asshole!” I yell, because I'm pissed at myself and even more pissed that Eric selfishly did this. He had every reason and opportunity to get better, and he didn't, and now he leaves behind a trail of heartache and pain, and it all falls on Kate’s shoulders. She was gaining light in her eyes again, and now that will shatter.

  Within ten minutes, the authorities and ambulance are filling his apartment. They don't ask us much, his death declared an overdose by the medical examiner, and like a living nightmare, we watch them zip up the black bag and wheel him out. We don't move from our spot on the sidewalk as the EMT shuts the door to the ambulance and they drive off, the police going in and out of his place for whatever things they need. Ben broke down, seeing someone he considered a brother dead.

  I couldn't do much for him but tell him sorry repeatedly. What else can I say? My ringing phone pulls me from the scene around me, and I see Kate’s name. I pick it up, clearing my throat. She can’t know this yet. I can’t tell her. Not over the phone. So I fake it in the best way I can.

  “Kitten,” I soothe, and her groggy, feminine voice comes through the line.

  “I slept like the dead.” The heaviness is still present, but I give a soft laugh.

  “You did. You needed it. I’m on my way back to you.”

  Ben doesn't say anything, just keeps his head low as he heads toward my truck.

  “Good. They’re clearing me to go home, and I’m not going to lie. I’m still tired.” She giggles, and that deepens the ache in my chest. She has no idea that things in our life are going to be flipped over on its axis again.

  “I bet you are. That’s okay, because I think I need to get a good night’s rest too.” If I can even sleep.

  “I would like to sleep beside you tonight. Talk about things, maybe?” I pause outside my truck and look around as I try to think up something to say. “Nick?” she whispers.

  I clear my throat again. “Yeah, kitten. I’m here.”

  “Can you give me a chance to talk to you about everything?”

  We have a mountain of things we need to talk about, but I don’t think I can wait to tell her about Eric. It’s not fair, and it’s not who I am. I don’t hide things from Kate.

  “Yeah, kitten. We need to talk about a lot of things. You just stay relaxed, and I will be there shortly to get you.”

  “Will do. Thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it. I really do,” she declares, and I just hope she’ll let me be there for her after I tell her what happened.

  No matter how strong she is, this isn't fair, and it’s not going to be a pill she can swallow easily. I don't know what’s going to happen to my Kate, and I don't know what I will do if it results in me losing her completely. It’s selfish but true.

  “I will always be here.”

  “I know. I love you for that.”

  “Fuck, Kate….”

  Chapter Nine

  Kate

  I spent the afternoon sleeping and trying to recover from everything that happened at the hospital. This pregnancy throws a curveball in my life, but it’s not one that I am afraid of per se. I mean, don’t get me wrong; the idea of being a mother a
nd having to take care of a little being is overwhelming, but I will say that it brings new purpose to my life, and I am not afraid of that. I have been looking for a purpose since I felt I lost mine while with Eric, and this baby is the cornerstone to rediscovering my strength as a human and even more so as a force to be reckoned with.

  I am rediscovering Kate Beckett, and even though this baby will mean Eric will be in my life again, I don't fear it like I once did. And who knows. Maybe Eric won’t want to be in our life. This is something he never seemed to want. In fact, whenever I brought up the idea of having children, he would get cold and nearly sick to his stomach. It pains me to think that our child will not have their father in their life.

  My back is growing sore from being in Nick’s bed all day and I actually crave some conversation with someone other than my internal dialogue. Slowly I drag myself from his bed, my feet touching the ground as I take a moment to prepare my body to move slowly. It feels different—my body. I’m suddenly very aware of the life growing inside me. I feel this intense sense of awareness that I'm becoming a mother. A smile tugs at my lips as I run my hands over my lower stomach. Nothing is there; it’s still flat, but to me it feels so very different.

  “I love you so much already,” I whisper into the warm room, the setting sun shining against the grey wooden floorboards.

  After I soak in every second of that intimate moment alone with my baby, I go in search of Sadie. Ben and Nick left a while back to run errands, but I heard Sadie on the phone and moving around the apartment throughout the early afternoon. Stepping into the living area, I find Sadie standing over the oven cooking, and my stomach growls. I’m quite literally starving. My presence brings her attention to me.

  “Hey! How are you feeling?” Sadie asks, her voice gentle, comforting.

  “That is a loaded question, Sister Christian.”

  She gives me a knowing smirk. “Yeah. I guess that’s a lot to start with. Did you sleep well?”

  I shrug, taking a seat at the dining room table. “Actually, yeah. I think everything exhausted me to the point that I couldn't think too much if I tried.”

  “It’s been a wild forty-eight hours,” she adds, and I chuckle.

  “It’s been a wild four years. Where’s Melody tonight?”

  “She’s with my mama and papa tonight. I wanted to be with you.”

  My heart tightens. “Thanks, Sade. I need it. I just….” I trail off and search for the words.

  “You don't have to talk about it yet, Kate. You have a lot to process.” She turns the stove down a few notches before joining me at the table. Placing her hand over mine, she gives it a soft squeeze.

  “I need to. I have so many feelings stirring inside me that I need to get them out or I will become a head case who has more of a relationship with her internal psyche then those around her.”

  She laughs. “Okay, well, take it at your own pace.”

  “Thanks.” I look out the window above the sink in the kitchen. “I feel reborn. There is this feeling of peace and clarity and solidarity, really. It’s not the ideal situation to bring my child into, but it solidifies the reason I knew I needed to leave. I wanted to leave for years, and this time, I did. I didn't hesitate or run back. I stayed in this state of surety, and it’s because of the baby. I know that now.”

  “I know what you mean. When I found out I was pregnant, it was not ideal, and my situation seemed to be less than perfect, but there in the clearing, I felt peace knowing Melody was inside me. She brought me purpose.”

  “Yes!” I find her eyes, mine welling with tears as she nails the words and feelings I’ve been struggling to explain. “I know this is just the start to a very confusing and insane ride, but I don't doubt that it’s where I am supposed to be. I just wonder what will happen with Eric. He really only has two options: get sober and be present or turn his cheek.”

  “And what will you do? Really, if he chooses either.”

  “Ideally, I would love for this to be the reason he gets clean. I want to believe that becoming a father would be enough to bring him sobriety. However, he's been through a lot, Sadie. I don't think Eric has the capability to see anything beyond the needle or next high. He's running from a past he will never be able to escape unless he gets sober.”

  “Gosh, that’s hard. I wish I had all the answers.”

  “Me too.”

  “When are you planning to tell him?”

  I decided this earlier in bed when I was running through all the scenarios. “Tomorrow. I don't want to drag it out or hide it from him. Like the girls in all those Lifetime movies.” We share another laugh.

  “That’s good. I think you should bring Nick with you. I don't think you should go alone.”

  Nick.

  “I saw that. What’s going on with you two anyway? Not that this hasn't been going on for years, but you two seem to be closer than ever.”

  “I don’t even know where to start with that one. The spark is there. It always has been, but it feels so selfish to even explore that right now. Nick has always had a part of me that no one ever has, but Eric was the one I was with, and now that Eric and I are over, I can’t help but have the urge to be near Nick and act on these feelings.”

  “So it is like a Lifetime movie. A love triangle for the ages.” Sadie cracks a joke, and I push her shoulder lightly.

  “Stop it! Anyway, Nick is different. He’s wiser and older and very different than any man I’ve dated before.” I see him in my mind, and like always, I get that shiver from the top of my head to my toes. Nick is in a league all of his own.

  “Does he know you’ve had feelings for him?” Sadie stands to check on the food again.

  “Yes. I mean, they have developed more over the past year, but Eric and I started to spiral the worst then. I don't think I could try to be with Nick now. I’m pregnant and damaged goods.”

  “No. He doesn't see you that way. Like you said, Nick is wiser and older; he doesn't play games like that and won’t see your baby as baggage.” Sadie and Nick are best friends. Their friendship started early on into Ben’s and her marriage. I, however, avoided Nick the first year and a half, because I knew the feelings I had for him were undeniable and not right. But the more and more into the dark places Eric and I reached, the closer Nick got to me. He brought in the light when I needed it.

  I whisper, “I feel pathetic when I think about him and me and the last four years.”

  “Why do you say that? Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Sadie pours the noodles in a strainer, and I watch the steam rise.

  “I loved two men, two very different men and in two different ways. But I stayed with the one who was marred in peril and unloving. For what? Why? Because I thought I was someone special who could save him. I’m a joke to think I’m that special.”

  “First, you are that special, and I’m not saying that just because you're my best friend. Second, for someone who claims to know a lot about herself, you know nothing at all. You loved Eric, and you saw someone who needed you and needed something to feel worthy. And I know he may be a lost boy, but, Kate, he felt it. He believed in you, and you were the only thing good in his life. Yet addiction isn't something you can save someone from unless they save themselves. You stayed, because you believe in him. It’s not your fault he didn't share that same belief.”

  I don’t say anything after that. I can’t. Sadie has a way of doing that, shutting people up with hard truths. I didn't stay because I loved him like a woman loves her soul mate; I stayed because I wanted to be the one thing that didn’t leave him. I wanted Eric to have a friend, and that’s what I should have been the whole time. A friend—not a lover. But had I not stayed his lover, I wouldn't be the mother to the little bean growing inside me.

  “If I weren’t pregnant, I would take a giant swig of tequila,” I finally retort, and it lightens the mood. We both share another laugh as she brings the food to the table.

  “No, what you need is carbs, lots of carbs, and some chee
sy Lifetime movies.”

  “What is it with you and Lifetime? Seriously, Sister Christian, you are so odd!”

  Sadie shrugs, unashamed. “Don’t hate.”

  “I’ll try not to.” I grin.

  We eat and do just that—watch some crazy Lifetime movie about a psychotic ex-wife trying to win back her newly married ex. It actually takes my mind off the own drama that is my life for a while.

  But it doesn't distract me enough to keep me from thinking about Nick the whole time. I miss him and crave his attention, going nearly the whole day without it. I will him to come home in my mind, and like witchcraft, he walks through the door with Ben. And suddenly I wish I didn't hope for him to come back. The look on his face is daunting, and my stomach drops instantly.

  “Nick?”

  “Baby?” Sadie and I say in unison as we stand to meet them.

  “Nick, what happened? What’s wrong?” I stand within inches of him and place my hand over his heart.

  “Kate, you need to sit down. I have to tell you something.”

  “Nick, tell me what’s wrong.” I ignore his request.

  “No, you need to sit down. I mean it, kitten.” There is a sharp haunting tone in his words, and it chills me to the bone, enough to make my knees slightly tremble as I take a few steps back until my calves hit the couch and I slowly sit.

  Eric. I just know it.

  “What happened to him, Nick? I-Is he in the hospital? D-Did those goons hurt him?” I stutter out each question, my stomach tightening and churning.

  “No, kitten. It’s worse.” He drops to his knees in front of me, placing his hands over mine in my lap. His green eyes search mine, and there’s torture storming around in them.

  “What is going on, Nick? Tell me!” I yell, the fear rising.

  “Kate. Eric’s…” He looks up to Ben and Sadie, but my eyes stay locked on his lips, waiting for him to spit out the words. “Eric’s dead, baby.”

  The world stands still.

  No.

  He can’t be.