Loving Kate Beckett (The Loving Series Book 2)

by CC Monroe

  I always wanted to be loved and love someone unbroken, so I know that is what Nick deserves—a healed Kate. Ben and Sadie are standing by Nick, exchanging words. Occasionally, they look at me, and I know I’m the subject of their conversation. I hate that. Feels like all I ever am is the center of conversation and the one everyone feels pity for.

  Releasing one more deep breath, I look down at Eric’s ashes and softly rub over the wood. “I’m sorry. I miss you.”

  §

  “Hey, sweetie? How we feeling?” I’ve seen this too much lately. Me somber on someone I love’s couch, answering that repeated question. And yet, here we are, and the scene is the same, and so is my response.

  “You know, I thought I would feel different. More remorse. But instead, I feel guilt.” I swallow past the lump in my throat.

  Sadie scoots in closer, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “Oh, honey, I know this is hard, but it's not your fault. You can’t take on the guilt.”

  As I shake my head, my lip begins to tremble. “It’s not that.” I wipe away the tear, looking up at the ceiling. “I feel relief, and that makes me feel so much guilt, Sadie.” How evil of me to feel this way when Eric is gone because of his broken vessel of a life.

  “What do you mean? Sweetie. Take a deep breath.”

  I didn’t realize just how heavily I was breathing and how many tears were coming down. I wipe and wipe, but they keep coming.

  “He had so much pain inside, Sadie. I couldn’t make it better, and watching him hurt was devastating. And watching him kill himself just because he felt alone, that was torture. But now—” I pause, rubbing my now chapped, burned lips. “—he may be gone, and it was tragic, but I feel like he can finally breathe. He is free from all of his devastation. I'm awful.” I cry harder. It’s so loud I can hear it echo, and it gains the attention of Nick and Ben. They enter the room, and my eyes meet Nick’s, and it only makes me weep harder.

  To know someone could hurt so deeply like Eric did. To know how dark, empty, and numb it was in his world makes this truly a loss of great magnitude. But I knew him inside and out, and to know that, whether there is someone on the other side or not, he is no longer numb and he can breathe again… it really does bring me relief.

  “It’s okay. It’s okay, sweetie.” Sadie, Ben, and Nick surround me, wrapping me in their strength, and I fall on that strength, letting it catch my heavy heart. Sadie repeats those words to me, but after a few seconds, it becomes white noise behind my heavy weeping. The piercing sound seems impenetrable, until I hear his voice, breaking through the barriers.

  “Kitten. Breathe, you need to breathe. I’m here. We’re here.”

  I look up from my hands, and through the cloudy vision, I see Nick crouching in front of me. Reaching out to him, I remove myself from between Sadie and Ben and fall into the one person’s arms who always catches me in the way I need to be caught in order to survive.

  “Hold me closer. Please.” I cling to him, needing so badly to feel something.

  “As close as I can,” he whispers, tightening his hold on me. I feel us moving but keep my face buried in his neck. He’s carrying us to what I assume is the guest bedroom.

  “Shh, you’re going to make it through this,” he assures.

  I know I will eventually, because I have someone to survive for. Eric left behind a piece of himself, and I have to stay strong so this child can have the life they deserve.

  That makes me spiral even more. Eric won’t be here to be a father. Hell, this is a vicious cycle, and I see no end in sight. The bed he lays me on is cold against my heated skin. Curling into a fetal position, I feel him slide in behind me and align his body with mine, pulling me in as tight as humanly possible. I stay this way, and he lets me while I mourn the loss of someone who deserved better than what he ever had.

  Chapter Twelve

  Nick

  No one, and I mean no one, could prepare me to handle the sound and sight of Kate breaking to the final end of her past with Eric. Throw in my jealousy, and I just may need to also get therapy. Kate stopped loving Eric, and the logical man in me knows that, but the side that went years knowing she did love him seems to be the stronger one in my head.

  But I understand what she’s feeling and why she’s breaking. Though she stopped being in love with Eric romantically, she still loved him. Kate may have been the only person in this world who loved Eric in all the ways he wanted. It’s almost ironic that the reason he was so broken, lost, and spiraling down a black hole was the very thing Kate was capable of changing. He wanted to feel love as if he mattered to someone and was worthy. She gave him that for years, and yet he never saw it.

  If he would have just let her and not been so blind, he could still be here. She wouldn’t be so heartbroken, and I wouldn’t have to go through what will always be known as the hardest thing I’ve faced, and I have seen, done, and watched some shit. But nothing compares to watching my best friend and the woman I love crumble to ashes.

  Her breathing evens finally, and she softens against me, telling me she’s asleep. I would move and go talk to Sadie, to assure her Kate is okay, but I don’t want to leave her side. No matter the amount of times I hear Sadie and Ben pacing the room, it isn’t enough for me to care. I only care about my kitten and keeping her warm and safe in her fragile state.

  Reaching into my pocket, I do the next best thing. I shoot Ben and Sade a text.

  Me: She’s asleep and safe. Stop pacing and get some rest. We have to be well-rested and ready to take care of our girl.

  Sadie: Okay. But please come get me if she needs anything.

  Me: Actually, there is something. Would you mind running to the store and grabbing her some prenatals?

  Sadie: Of course!

  Ben: Sounds good. And I’ll keep my angel locked in the bedroom after she gets back. Keep her from busting the door down.

  I know Ben is trying to bring a little light in, but he can’t hide the real him from me. He’s like a son to me, and I know Eric and he were once the best of friends and this loss isn’t just one for Kate. Even though Eric would say no one did, a lot of people loved him. Which means I have no time to wallow in my own pity. The people I love most need me to take care of them, and I need to focus on that, not on the fact that I’m in love with a woman who can’t fully love me back… yet.

  When she heals, I will make her all mine.

  Me: Ben.

  I text him separately this time.

  Ben: What’s up?

  Me: Sorry for your loss. I’m here. Love you, man.

  He doesn’t respond, and I don’t expect him too. That isn’t something he has ever been good at.

  It takes me some time, but I finally get myself to fall asleep. If I’m going to play the healer, I need my energy too.

  §

  The next morning, I wake to Kate still asleep. I’m not surprised. Her emotions are fried, and then the pregnancy hormones can’t be helping. I detangle myself from her, doing my best not to stir her awake. Successfully, I get out of bed without disturbing her. Opening the bedroom door, I hear the sound of dishes downstairs. I find Ben and Sadie making breakfast.

  “Hey, guys.”

  “Hey. How is she?” Sadie is on me, her poor eyes swollen, a light dusting of shadows under them telling me she had a restless sleep. Sadie is the most loving person, and her worry for Kate is evident in her posture and look.

  “She slept all night. She’s still asleep. I assume she’s going to sleep for a little bit longer, if not most of the day. But I need her to eat and we need to leave to head to the bus.”

  “Of course. I made her some freshly squeezed orange juice and some biscuits and gravy.” Her southern accent sounds even thicker when she says this.

  “Thanks, sweetheart.” I kiss her forehead and move over to make her a plate. I want to be the one to wake Kate, but just like I vowed to myself last night, I am not making this about me nor taking advantage of her vulnerable state. “You can go wake her up.”
I have mercy on Sadie. She goes to turn after a quick thank you, but I stop her.

  “Hey. Take it easy on her and be soft. If she wants to rest and stay in bed, let her.”

  “I know. I will,” she assures, giving a gentle smile.

  “You. How you holding up?” I don’t make eye contact with Ben when I ask this, keeping my focus on putting together a plate for Kate.

  “I’m all right. Just can’t believe this is real, I guess.”

  “Me neither.”

  “Sadie cried to me last night. She said some shit that has me all fucked up.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?” I pour her some orange juice.

  “She said it could’ve been me all those years ago. If I would have kept going, she would be the one crying in that bed.” Ben struggled with addiction. But it didn’t scratch the surface of just how bad Eric was.

  "Yeah, it could have been. Thank God our girl didn’t give up on you.” I chance a glance and find Ben with his knuckles on the counter and his head down. I don’t have to see his face to know he’s letting this loss get to him.

  “Hey. I know this is hard on a lot of people. It’s okay to let it out, brother.” I set the glass down and step up to him, patting him on the back. He turns then and embraces me, gripping the back of my shirt.

  We don’t say anything, just share a brief hug, and when he releases me, he pats me hard on the back and steps back, turning his back to me to hide his face.

  “Yeah. Okay. I’m going to go shower and pick up Melody from my in-laws. You call me if Sadie needs me, all right?”

  “Yeah, man. Will do.”

  Watching him retreat, I release a heavy breath it felt like I’ve been holding since I saw Eric lying lifeless in his apartment.

  “Nick?” a soft, raspy voice calls out.

  I love that voice. So fucking perfect. Looking up, I find Kate. Her eyes are swollen, and her hair is a mess around her shoulders, but even with that heartbreak, she is devastatingly beautiful.

  “Hey. You okay? You can go back to sleep. I’m just making you some breakfast.”

  She rubs her stomach, looking from it to me. A half smile graces her face with as much effort as she can muster up. “The bean has other plans.”

  “The bean? Is that what we’re calling the baby now?”

  She giggles. “Yeah, it just feels right.”

  “Well, you and bean can sit down. I’m just making you a plate, and I had Sadie pick you up some prenatals.” I point to where they sit on the counter.

  A look passes over her face, but we both don’t address it.

  “Thank you.”

  “Of course, kitten.” I finish up and bring her the plate.

  “Where did Sadie go?”

  “Oh, Ben is going to get Melody, so she went to take a shower and get ready for the day. I had to tell her—or better yet force her—to let me take you out of the room without her last night.” I chuckle.

  “Yeah, I’m sure there’s a spot on the floor by the guest bedroom from her pacing.” Taking her first small bite, she smiles around the fork.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” I chance the question.

  “Um, well. Numb. It still doesn’t feel real.” I nod. “But I’m all right. With time, right?” As she peers at me, there is a look of begging for reassurance.

  “With time. And with the people you love around you.” This is a segue into my next conversation. “Speaking of, we decided to leave tomorrow for the first leg of the tour instead of today, and I still want you to come with.”

  Taking a sip of her juice, she waves me off. “No, I'll be fine. I promise.”

  “It wasn’t a question, kitten. You’re going with us. You already said you would.”

  “Nick, that was before… . I don’t need to be with someone twenty-four seven. I will call if I need—”

  “I need you with me twenty-four seven,” I interrupt, stopping her from completing that sentence.

  “Nick…” Dropping her eyes to her lap, she shakes her head. “I can’t do—”

  “I’m not asking you to jump into this with me, and it's not an agenda to make you start a relationship with me. I just want my best friend close, and I want to be there for you, Kate. I know you’re strong, but for me, just let me be there. Please.”

  Searching my face, she releases a breath. “Okay. I’ll go.”

  A weight leaves my shoulders. There was no way in hell I was going to be able to leave tomorrow without Kate. Not with everything going on. And honestly, I need to be with her. I crave to be in her atmosphere, and the idea of going two months without seeing her in person, that was a head trip.

  “Thank you. Now finish up eating. I’m taking us back to my place to get us packed. You want me to do it so you can rest?”

  “No. If I sit there and wallow, I’ll break down. I need a distraction.”

  “Okay, but if it gets to be too much, you let me know. It’s all right to hurt and feel it.”

  “I know, and I am.”

  We leave it at that, not needing to drag it out. Kate will talk when she’s ready.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kate

  Week one on tour and without Eric.

  I don’t think Nick nor I thought about just how hard that would be. This is the first tour without him, and it’s not like he’s simply out of the band. No, it’s much more somber than that, and everyone on this tour can feel it heavily. I cry most nights in my bunk, remembering so many of the memories with Eric on tour. The good and the bad.

  Nick has been incredible to me, almost to the point of overwhelming. A few times, Ben and Sadie have talked to him or pulled him away to give me a moment. I know he’s drowning too, watching me break and wanting to fix it, but he can’t. No one can. Not right now. Time has to pass, and wounds have to scab then heal, and that process is long, painful, and often times messy. But I’m trying for me, for my little bean, in memory of Eric, and for Nick.

  The morning sickness started kicking in the beginning of week two, and I’ve learned that it’s not just the morning kind. It’s the all-day kind. This has been somewhat of a distraction, a shitty one, but it has. The sicker I get, the more time I spend thinking about becoming a mother. It’s led me to consider calling my parents, but then I think about the mess that will cause, and I’m not sure mixing all my messes into one bowl is good for the baby and me.

  I’ve spent time talking to my little bean, and it brings me a lot of comfort. The situation isn’t ideal, but the outcome is something I’m starting to look forward to. This little one is adding more and more purpose to my life in a time I feel most broken. I’ve distanced myself as much as possible from Nick on this tour as the weeks drag on. His willingness to always be there is wonderful, but it has begun to make me bring on a whole new overwhelming guilt. I can see it in his eyes. Between the tour, the band, his personal life, and all of my worries, he’s losing himself, and I can’t find it in me to accept all his kindness when it comes with that high of a sacrifice.

  It all reaches a boiling point, and unfortunately tonight is that night. I’m sitting in the back of the bus reading, trying my hardest to not vomit for the hundredth time today. There is a rap on the door that shuts me off from the rest of the bus.

  “Come in!” I holler.

  “Hey, you need to eat something. You haven’t eaten nearly all day,” Nick says, stepping into the room.

  “I’m not hungry,” I tell him and look back down at my book.

  “I understand that you aren’t hungry, but you and the baby need to be fed.”

  “Nick, I’m fine, trust me.”

  He release a deep breath, and I look up from the pages. Reading has become another great distraction from thinking about Eric.

  “Kitten. You are going to come eat, and then you can come back in here and we can put on a movie. Okay? We are stopping tonight at a hotel, so you can get some proper sleep on a nicer bed.”

  I close the book, biting my lip and doing my best not t
o snap. Not only did the pregnancy bring on constant morning sickness, but it has also made me very irritable, and right now, that fuse is being lit.

  “Nick, I’m fine. We don’t need to stop at a hotel, and I will eat when I’m ready. Okay?” I bite out.

  “No, you’re eating, and we are stopping, so stop arguing with me.”

  “Nick! You’re suffocating me! I’m fine. Will you just stop treating me like I’m a glass doll who’s going to shatter with the slightest bump!” I yell, and instantly I wish I could take it all back. His jaw tightens, and the fists at his sides go white as they curl. He’s not suffocating me; I don’t know why I said that. “Nick, I—”

  “Loud and clear. Sadie and Ben want a night in a hotel together, so we’re going anyway. I’ll have Sadie come get you when we’re there.” With that, he storms out, slamming the sliding door so hard it slides back open halfway.

  “Shit.” Dropping my head in my hands, I curse under my breath. Why did I do that? All Nick has done is try to be here, and I of course push and push until people finally leave me alone. Creature of habit. I debate going after him but don't. The last thing that needs to happen is for me to cause a scene in front of the band and Melody. Throwing my book against the other end of the couch, I scold myself until the bus rolls to a stop an hour later.

  I don’t wait for Sadie to come get me. The minute we stop, I’m up and making my way to my bunk to get a bag ready for the night. The second we check in, I need to find Nick’s room and say I’m sorry. I really have no idea what came over me, and the amount of groveling I need to do is astronomical.

  Nick isn’t anywhere to be seen when I finish getting my stuff. I assume he’s already inside, checking us in. The hotel is swanky, and I know that’s because Ben wants a two-bedroom suite. He and Sadie never get alone time between the band and Melody, so I expect nothing less.

  “You pissed him off good. What’s going on?” Sadie asks when we step off the bus.

  “I don’t know. I just snapped. He’s been so good to me, and I felt overwhelmed and guilty for it, so I did what I do best.”