by CC Monroe
Those damn words melt me to the core. All I’ve ever dreamed of is being her lifeline. Of having Kate need me and trust me and feel safe with me. And she is. I know it seems like it was effortless, but we had a hell of a road to travel to get here.
“I love you, baby,” I add before tipping my glass and taking a drink of the cold water.
Tucking her hair behind her ear, she gives me a knowing smile, the glint in her eyes retorting those words.
“Fuck me. Nick, you old dog, you are mush in her hands.”
“Ben! Language. And hush, it's adorable. I’m so happy for you both. My two best friends, falling in love and starting a family.” She claps, bouncing like a giddy child, in only the way she could pull off. “It’s like a fairy tale.”
“Sister Christian, you are just too much sometimes, but I love it.” Kate laughs, nudging her shoulder against Sadie’s.
Sadie rolls her eyes. “I’m going to stay and go with you both on Tuesday, if that’s okay with you? Melody an I will fly out a few days later to meet Ben back on the road.”
“What? Really? Oh, Sadie!” Suddenly, my woman is crying and wrapping Sadie up in a hug. “I love you. Thank you for doing this for me.” Their friendship is one of the purest and most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. Sadie and I had a talk about this earlier, and I asked her if she would be there beside us just in case Kate needed someone to lean on and I wasn’t enough. Sometimes a woman just needs her best friend.
“Don’t thank me. Your big mountain man was the one who mentioned it and asked me to come.” When Sadie nudges her head in my direction, Kate’s eyes leave Sadie and land on me. The look we share is one I know very well. Those eyes could tell me a thousand words without one whisper from her lush lips.
“I love you,” she mouths while Ben and Sadie make small talk. Pulling out my phone, I shoot her a text, the sound of them talking fading into the background.
Me: I would do anything for you. Always know that.
Her phone lights up next to her, and she picks it up. She smiles at me, typing something out. I receive her response a few seconds later.
Kate: I know. I'll never take that for granted again. My salvation.
Me: My soul.
With one more glance, we resume our place in the conversation. “I hear the process to get ready to adopt is pretty extensive. Trey and Shayla had to go through it with Madison. Remember that?” Ben brings up something I almost forgot. One of their producers and his wife adopted a daughter a few years back, and he told us all about it.
“He wasn’t wrong, and we only had a week to get it all done,” I add.
“But I’m glad we were able to get it all done and everything cleared,” Kate remarks.
The conversation carries on, and we enjoy the night with Ben and Sadie. Most of it is spent talking about Tuesday. The more we talk, the less nervous I notice Kate becomes and that lessens my stress. I don’t want these next few days to be anything but good for my kitten.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Kate
Just a few months ago, my life was in shambles, falling apart and fraying at the seams. I didn’t see a light or any way to ever be happy again. I think this to myself, staring out the car window outside of Josie’s foster home. The whole drive here, I didn’t say one word. I replayed every moment of the last four years, it seems. Replayed every fight, every high, every low, every moment Eric opened his wounds to me. It breaks me to know he never got to be a father to our baby or to his little girl—my little girl.
Who will she be? When they open that door, will she instantly feel the unconditional love Nick and I have to give her? Are we ready? Am I?
“Hey, we got this. I promise,” Sadie interrupts my inner monologue.
“We are in this together. The little girl waiting in there is our future. We can do this.” Nick kisses the back of my hand. Warmth and surety move through my bloodstream, knowing he and I have one another. I’m not alone anymore. Life has changed. I’ve overcome all my trials. I made it out the other side, and it’s time to live on this side.
“Let’s go.”
“Okay.” Nick climbs out and comes around, opening my door and Sadie’s at the same time. When he helps me down, I use all his strength for my stability. I’m nauseous, dizzy, and shaking.
“No more fear,” Nick whispers in my ear.
“No more fear,” I repeat.
Taking my hand, he leads us up the stairs. When we reach the last step to the porch, the door opens, and we are met with the sweet couple who look to be in their late forties or early fifties and the foster care coordinator.
“Nick, Kate, and you must be Sadie. Nick let me know you would be coming along.”
“Yes, that’s me. It’s nice to meet you.” Sadie’s southern accent adds to her charm.
“We are Donna and Dale. Nice to meet you,” Josie’s fosters mom greet us warmly.
“Hello, nice to meet you both,” I respond, shaking their hands. That’s when I hear pitter-patters and giggles coming from behind where they stand. Suddenly, nudging her way between Donna and Dale, the most adorable little girl appears.
“Hi! I’m Josie! Nice to meet ya!”
Eric’s dimples. His eyes. It’s like looking at him again, but with all the good parts of his soul shining through.
“Hello, Josie. I’m Nick, and this is Kate.” Nick goes to his haunches first, and shaking myself from my daze, I follow suit.
“I know. Donna and Dale telled me all about you. They said you guys want to be my mommy and daddy. I should prolly tell you that I like stuffed animals, parks, and fruity loops.”
We both laugh, and I cover my mouth, swallowing back the cry that almost escapes. I see Eric in her looks, but somehow, I see me in her character. I’m so glad she’s so young and hasn’t seen addiction and what it can do or if she did with her birth mom, then she clearly doesn’t remember. She’s not tainted, only ready to be loved and have a home. We’re that home.
“I think we can work something out. Only if you’re sure you’re okay with me and Nick being your family,” I prompt, and her grin widens, stepping forward to me and cupping my face in her small hands.
“You’re beautiful. I would love to have a pretty mommy.” She giggles and I chuckle, a lone tear falling, her hands on my face feeling natural and filling my soul with so much love it overflows past the brim.
“And you are beautiful too, Josie,” I add, placing my hand over hers. Our eyes search one another's, and she does the unexpected. Wrapping her tiny arms around my neck, she squeezes me.
“Can we go to the park?” the typical three-year-old in her asks, too young to feel such deep emotions. But me? I feel it all. Turning to Nick, I see it in his eyes—tears and that same depth of adoration and love. We found it.
“This is our life now?” I whisper, Josie running down the stairs and playing in the grass, laughing joyously.
“And I wouldn’t want it with anyone else but you,” he remarks, and just like that, the end I swore would never come plays out in front of me.
My happily ever after.
And to think, I was once the girl who stopped believing in fairy tales. I was searching for love with blinders on, refusing to see it in front of me. But had those blinders come off any sooner, this pregnancy and Josie would have not come into my life. Eric was vital to my future, but he wasn’t my lifeline. Nick was, and he was right there the whole time. Loving me through it. And even with the terrible path I had to walk to be here now, I would do it again, because it gave me happiness again.
I’m finally able to breathe once more.
Epilogue
“You know, these stir ups are very inventive but invasive. It’s like a torture device.” Kate giggles from her seated position on the table. We’re at the ultrasound appointment today, about to find out the gender of our baby.
“Good thing you don’t have to use them today.” I laugh.
“Who knows? Sadie had to almost every time. Melody was stubborn.
”
I growl. “Thank God we switched you to a female OB. I don’t need to watch a man all up in my woman’s business every time.”
“Uh oh, is that jealousy? I thought big, bad Nick was too mature for jealousy anymore,” Kate mocks me.
“I have limits, kitten, and if you keep teasing me, I’ll take you straight to my truck and fuck that sass right out of you.”
Before she can respond, there is a knock on the door. When it opens, the doctor announces herself. “Hello, Kate, Nick. How are you two today?”
“Good, thank you for asking,” Kate replies.
“Good.” I glare at Kate when she giggles at my short response, and she goes silent, taking the hint that I wasn't joking with my threat. She goes to give me another smart remark, but Sadie returns with Josie from the restroom. Right as Kate dressed down into her gown, she needed to go, and sweet Sadie of course volunteered. We’ve had Josie now for three months, and it’s been a learning experience for us all, but the love blossomed beautifully and instantly.
Josie brings so much light into our lives; she’s funny, talented, and has a knack for making everyone her friend. Which the papa bear in me struggles with. I need my daughter to have some sort of stranger danger instinct or I may never let her leave the house. I smile at the thought.
“Hey, sweetie, come sit on Daddy’s lap. The doctor is going to check on Mama.” I summon her, picking her excited self up and placing her on my knee. I give Sadie a smile, and she leaves back to the waiting room with Ben. Insisting she come, Sadie refused to miss this, typical as ever.
“Yay! I still think it’s a girl, Mama,” Josie says, unwavering.
“Oh yeah? We will have to see.” She winks at her, reaching out and taking her hand. “Hold my hand so I don’t get nervous.” Really, she won’t. Kate and I agreed before that we want to make sure Josie feels 100 percent involved in this moment.
“I got you, Mama.” She takes it, and it does more than bring comfort. It brings my woman visible peace.
“You all ready to find out what you’re having? Any guesses? I see Miss Josie thinks it’s a girl. How about you two?” Dr. Aliah instructs Kate to lean back. She rolls up the gown to just under her breasts, exposing Kate's small pregnant stomach. I burn every image in my head that I can of her pregnant, knowing we will never get to do this again unless we decide on alternative measures. That is the one thing I regret most about my bad past—the mistakes I made that make it impossible to get her pregnant. But as much as I had my personal feelings toward Eric, I can’t help but send up a thanks for this gift.
“It’s a boy,” Kate says matter-of-factly.
“And Nick? You think it's a boy too?” Dr. Aliah looks to me with a smile. Looking at Josie, I see her squint, daring me to disagree. Smart little cookie.
“If the fates want me to survive and make it through, he will give us a boy. I don’t think my heart can handle being surrounded by only girls. I need the little man’s help to keep them safe.”
“Oh, Daddy, you’re no fun. I hope now it’s definitely a girl,” she sasses, making my response even more validated.
We all laugh, and I shoot Kate a wink. “Well, let's see if you’re right. The gel is warm, sweetie.”
Kate nods, and Dr. Aliah sets her up. Taking the rounded tip of the wand, she starts to move it over her stomach. Standing, I put Josie on my hip and place my free hand over both of theirs. We stare at the screen intently.
“Measurements are looking great. Now, let's see if we have a boy or girl coming.” We all focus on the screen. I realize I'm holding my breath and release it slowly. “See that right there?” Dr. Aliah pauses the screen and zooms in. “That means you aren’t going to be outnumbered, Nick. Congratulations, you two. You’re having a little boy.”
“Oh my God! I knew it, Nick!”
“What! I wanted a sister, but I guess a brother will do. Only if I get to name him though.” Josie goes from pouting to perked up in two seconds flat. Laughing, Kate and I admire our sweet daughter for a heavy moment.
Setting Josie on her feet, I lean down. I cup Kate’s face, kissing each cheek where the happy tears leave trails. Josie watches us for a minute before she runs up to the doctor and asks her a billion and one questions, giving me and Kate a brief moment of privacy.
My lips move to her forehead, and she cries a little harder, and I realize it’s more than happy tears.
“What’s wrong, baby? You okay?” Nodding, she wipes at the tears.
“I just wish he was here so I could tell him. I’m hurt he will never get to know. I’m sorry if that upsets you,” she whispers, not wanting Josie to hear.
It doesn’t, it makes complete sense.
“Never. Don’t say sorry. That makes sense. You are validated in that.”
“I wish I could also tell him thank you, because I’m a mom to a baby boy, and you get to be a father, thanks to this little boy and Josie.” We look to her, and her joy is infectious. We fit perfectly, so damn perfectly. A family.
“Yeah, we are. And he knows it. I’m not much of a believer in heaven, but he has to know on the other side.”
She cries harder through a smile. All I can do is comfort her. We stay in the room for a few minutes longer before she calms down enough to get dressed to leave.
We are on the highway before she speaks, Josie falling asleep in the back from all the excitement of the day. “You aren’t mad? I hope you know I didn’t mean I wish he was here to share it with me. Even if Eric were still…” She stops, taking a minute to say the words. “If he were still here, you’d still be the one I’d be with. I choose you, and that wouldn’t change. I just meant that he never had anything good happen to him in life, and I would like to believe my son would have been something to make him happy.”
“He had you. And trust me when I tell you, you were something that made him happy.”
“Not like this. This is a different happy. This little boy brings out a joy and light in me I couldn’t get from anything but a mother’s love. Do you feel that?”
“Undoubtedly. You, our baby boy, and Josie will be the only things in my life that I got right.” Taking my hand off her leg, she brings it to her lips and kisses my palm, each fingertip.
“Nothing feels better than this, than us. Then the future ahead,” Kate says against the skin of my hands.
“No, it doesn’t. Not a damn thing, kitten.”
Bonus Epilogue
Three years later
“Nick! You are going to give me a heart attack. Please stop throwing them in the air!” I holler from my seat in the audience next to Sadie. The band is having sound check, and Nick is chasing and playing with Josie, Melody, and Maximus.
“I agree! You drop my daughter and I’ll have your ass,” Ben says in the microphone as Nick places Melody back on her feet, all the kids chuckling and continuing to run in circles around him.
“Mouth, Ben Cooper! My heck!” Sadie yells.
“Sorry, angel mine.” He winks, and she blushes like a schoolgirl even all these years later.
I continue watching the kids, smiling and enjoying their laughter.
“Hey—” Sadie nudges my shoulder. “—what’s going on in that head of yours?”
“Nothing really.”
“Please, Kate, you really think I’m that clueless? Come on, what’s up?”
Watching Nick and the kids for one second longer, I finally break contact and look over at Sadie. “This is my life, and I sometimes can’t believe it, I guess. I’m married, and we have two wonderful children.” I shake my head in disbelief. Josie just turned six, and it feels like we’ve had her since birth. The only adapting she needed when we first brought her home with us was adjusting to her new surroundings and the permanency of having a home with two parents who will love her the rest of her life.
Luckily, she was so young, and her foster parents were wonderful, giving her a great first couple of years of life.
“It all fell into place so quickly.”
/>
“Did it? Kate, did you think God was going to make your happiness a struggle? He already made the rise there a tough climb. He rewarded the battles you overcame.”
I shake my head, knowing Sadie would use God as the reason.
“Usually, I would make fun of you for giving God all the credit, but whatever is up there or whatever fate and destiny is made of, it brought me here.”
“So, what? Why do you seem so confused?” she implores.
“No, I’m not confused. I’m relieved. You know I haven’t told anyone this, so feel lucky, Sister Christian.” I pause, glancing at my family again. “Everything I went through with Eric was hell, pure fucking hell, but it had a beautiful reason—Max and Josie. All I went through brought me to my family, to the love of my life, and now, I get to rewrite Eric’s story.” I release a deep breath of relief that I feel like I’ve been holding since his death three years ago. “Eric had the worst upbringing I have ever heard of. He was given the worst hand in life, and I know if he were still here, he would still be lost. His kids would only know him as an addict and see him that way. But I get to rewrite that, tell the story he deserves to have told. Eric had his great moments. He was funny, charming, smart, and had so much potential. That’s the story they get to learn.
“Wow.” Sadie’s voice cracks, and I look over, noticing she is crying. So am I, tears spilling from me. “You are the bravest, most loving person, Kate, and I know you don’t think that. You’re stubborn and all that, but you are loving. You are worth all that you have, and I know Eric would be proud of the legacy you’re going to give him.”
Usually, I would fight her, but she’s not wrong. Nick was meant to be my forever, but I couldn’t have this beautiful life if I didn’t have the time I did with Eric. Now I know it was all worth living through, because Nick filled the cracks that Eric broke, and our children have restored the joy and light in my life that dimmed out.
“All right, go see Mama. Daddy has to get back to work.”
I hurry and wipe at my tears, as does Sadie, as the kids come barreling toward us.