She nodded wordlessly, then entered the house, leaving the door open for him to follow. The first thing he saw as he trailed her to the living room was the picture of her husband she kept on the end table. He looked away, unable to face the other man’s smiling countenance.
“We didn’t do anything wrong.”
Michelle stood by the window staring out at the sunshiny day. “I did.” The words cut into him.
He walked over to her, taking her shoulders in his hands, pulling her back against him. “What I felt last night when I held you in my arms was like nothing I’ve ever felt before, Michelle. It was different, special.”
She jerked away from him. “I wonder how many other women you’ve said that to.”
The words were ugly, but he thought he understood why she’d said them. She was punishing herself. It wasn’t bad enough that she believed herself capable of infidelity. No, now she was accusing herself of betraying her husband for no more than a cheap fling.
He turned her to face him, holding her teary gaze with his own. “None. I’ve never felt it. I’ve never said it. I’d never have believed myself capable of forgetting the presence of my three daughters down the hall, Michelle. Last night meant something.”
She gazed up at him for a long silent moment as if some part of her desperately needed to know she meant more to him than all the women she’d seen come and go in his life over the years.
And then she pulled away again, crossing to sit on the couch. “It was still wrong, Jacob. There aren’t any pretty words to excuse the fact that I’ve been unfaithful to my husband.”
“Michelle, Brian was declared dead more than a year ago,” he said gently. How much longer was she going to hide behind a dead man?
“And you think that’s going to matter if someday when I’ve given myself to someone else—to you—Brian comes home to claim me? It’s happened before, Jacob. Just last year a man was found living in a remote village in Korea. He’d been declared dead, too. Instead, he’d been suffering from amnesia for fourteen years.
“The government’s decision that I’m a widow doesn’t prove anything, at least not to me. Brian could come walking in that door any day. And to what? To find another man in his house? And what if he got beyond that, was willing to forgive me and wanted me back? Who would have first rights? My husband or you? Who do I choose to hurt? Don’t you see, Jacob? It’s not just me or even Brian I’m thinking about. It’s you, too. I can’t be with you, not knowing if someday I’ll have to walk away with another man. I can’t do that to you.”
Jacob might have been willing to take the risk for himself, but he couldn’t stand to see Michelle tearing herself up this way. Her compassion, her loyalty, were qualities he’d grown to cherish in her. That they were the same qualities that would keep them apart seemed ironic. If he fought her on this, if he won, the prize wouldn’t be worth having. He’d be satisfying his own needs at the expense of hers.
“Can I ask you something? How can you be so certain he’s still alive?”
“Because he didn’t say goodbye.”
Jacob stared at her.
Her eyes pleaded with him to understand. “I don’t mean verbally. It’s just something I feel. Like he’s still holding on to me. I can’t get rid of the feeling he’s trapped in some nightmare somewhere trying every way he knows how to make it home. And I can’t bear to think of him finally making it back only to find that there’s nothing left for him here.”
“You’re something else, you know that?” he asked. He wanted to go to her, to hold her, but he wasn’t going to do that—to either of them. He reached into his pocket for his keys. “Brian Colby is one lucky man.”
She stood up. “Yeah, right. He has a wife who can’t seem to keep herself out of another man’s arms.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself, Michelle. I kissed you, not the other way around.”
“I could have told you to stop.”
“It was late. You were tired. And being with the girls has put us in an unusual situation.” Making excuses for what they’d shared went against his grain, but he’d do just about anything to take that look of self-reproach off her face. “You’ve been alone a long time, honey, and unfortunately your husband’s disappearance doesn’t erase your need to connect. Everyone has to have a little human contact now and then.”
She listened to him, but judging by her unchanging expression, he didn’t think she’d believed him. “What’s going on between us is more than ‘a little human contact.’”
“Even if Jessie hadn’t come in, you’d have stopped me just like you did the first time I kissed you.” He reached out, taking her hand. “Your heart would have kept you loyal to the man you love.”
Michelle’s grateful smile hurt most of all. Jacob left her, swearing to himself that, other than his daughters, he was never going to care for another human being again. He never seemed to get it right.
* * *
YOUR HEART would have kept you loyal to the man you love. Michelle studied her reflection in the mirror as she got ready for the triplets’ big night. Jacob’s words had been replaying themselves over and over in her head. He’d said them to comfort her. She knew that. But he’d failed to consider one very frightening possibility. Somehow it wasn’t just Brian that she loved. The idea was unconscionable, but even more, it scared her to death.
Michelle ran her hands through her hair, and her eye was caught by a glint in the mirror. Her wedding ring. Holding out her hand, Michelle studied the wide gold band. The ring was a symbol of faith, of hope—of love. If she was going to continue being true to it, then she might just have to stop seeing Jacob Ryan, which meant that she wouldn’t be seeing the triplets, either. She wondered how many times her heart had to break before it couldn’t hurt anymore.
* * *
THE GIRLS WERE a cyclone of excitement when Michelle climbed into Jacob’s Explorer twenty minutes later.
“Did you remember the bobby pins, Michelle? We gotta have our hair not fall down,” Allie said by way of greeting.
Michelle grinned. “I got ’em right here, Al.” There was nothing like children to put life in perspective.
“We get to wear makeup, Michelle! Ms. Thomas said we had to so we would show up and Daddy said it was okay!” Jessie bounced up and down as much as her seat belt would allow.
“And we get flowers after the show,” Meggie added, not to be outdone by her siblings on this important occasion. “We saw them in the back. Daddy bought them for us and everything…”
“…and we all practiced our parts just like you said, didn’t we, Daddy?” Allie piped up.
“Yeah, and I got almost all of them right,” Jessie said before Jacob had a chance to reply.
“We didn’t eat much dinner, though,” Meggie said. “Daddy said we can have another dinner after the show if we want to.”
“You can have it with us, Michelle, can’t she, Daddy?” Jessie asked.
Jacob looked at Michelle, shrugging apologetically. “Sure, if she wants to, Jess,” he said.
Michelle could think of few things she wanted more than to go home with them after the play, but she knew she couldn’t risk it. It would be late. The girls would be tired. They’d be in bed before she knew it. She looked at Jacob, not used to seeing him in a suit and tie, and knew she’d just end up in his arms again.
“We’ll see,” she said.
Michelle was run off her feet during the next two hours, applying makeup, fixing hair and getting the girls zipped into their costumes. Several of the other mothers offered to help her, probably thinking Michelle couldn’t possibly manage all three of Jacob’s girls on her own, but she refused them happily. This was her time with the girls and she cherished every second of it.
And then the girls were called to take their pl
aces backstage, and Michelle made her way to the front of the auditorium and the seat Jacob was saving for her in the second row. Nonnie was there, too, and Michelle smiled, greeting the elderly woman just as the house lights dimmed and the curtains opened.
Jessie was the most precious Cinderella Michelle had ever seen. She remembered all her lines and instilled just the right amounts of sadness and joy into each scene. Meggie and Allie were superb in their wickedness.
“They’re wonderful,” Michelle whispered to Jacob.
“I know,” he said, smiling with pride.
Michelle elbowed him gently. “Your ego’s showing, Ryan.”
He grabbed her hand, squeezed it and brought it with his own to rest against his thigh. “So sue me,” he said, not taking his eyes off the stage.
He held her hand for the rest of the play, and Michelle let him, as if by some unspoken agreement they’d both enjoy this one last evening pretending they were a family. And then they were standing to applaud as the young cast members took their final bows. The lights came up in the auditorium and it was over.
Michelle met the girls back in their dressing room. Allie and Jessie threw themselves into her arms, beside themselves with excitement.
“Did you see us, Michelle? Did you see us?”
“Of course I saw you, Jess, every second. You were wonderful. Now stand still while I get you out of this dress.”
“Did you like the way my eye switched, Michelle? Did I do it good?”
“That’s twitched, Allie honey, and yes, you were magnificent.”
“I tried to sound real wicked,” Meggie said, trying to unzip the back of her dress.
“You were terrific, Meg. You made the whole audience shudder. Here, let me get that zipper for you.”
“What’s shudder?” Allie wanted to know while Michelle handed them the jeans and sweatshirts they’d worn to the school.
“It’s this,” Michelle said, shivering and making a face as if she’d tasted something sour.
Meggie was the first one dressed and, still bouncing with excitement, stumbled into Michelle as she handed over her costume. Michelle’s arms came out to steady the little girl, her breath stilling as she felt Meggie’s quick hug.
“Thank you, Michelle.” Then Meggie hopped off to urge her sisters to hurry so they could go see Jacob and get their flowers.
And just like that, Michelle knew she could no more stop seeing Jacob’s children than she could cut out her heart. She owed Brian many things, but she’d made promises to Allie and Jessie and Meggie, too. Promises she meant to keep.
She led the girls out to meet Jacob, promising herself, and her husband, that she would stay away from any situations that might leave Jacob and her alone together. She could make this work. She had to make it work. She was afraid she might just curl up and die if she had to go back to the lonely existence she’d had before Jacob and his family had come into her life.
* * *
ELEANOR WILSON stood in the wings and watched the Ryan girls come out of the dressing room. They were all talking at once, excited by their performances, bouncing around the woman accompanying them. Eleanor listened unashamedly as the little girls all vied for attention. It was obvious they were happier than they’d been in a very long time. And that Mrs. Colby was just as happy to be with them. Eleanor smiled. She could rest easy now, knowing her darlings were in the right hands.
* * *
JACOB’S MESSAGE LIGHT was blinking when he got home that night. The girls had talked Michelle and him into a celebratory dinner at McDonald’s before dropping Michelle off at her house, and all three of them had finally fallen asleep during the drive back to the beach. He carried them inside one by one, got them tucked into bed and poured himself a drink of water. Then he went into the living room to play back his messages.
“Hi, Jake, honey.” Jake choked on a swallow of water. “I’m back in L.A. staying at the Beverly Hills Maison de Maison. Call me.”
He played the message a second time, listening for any nuances in her voice that might give him a clue to what she wanted. She sounded sweet as honey, just the way she’d been when they’d first met ten years before. A small part of him remembered that time with affection. Mostly he remembered everything that came afterward. Grabbing his phone, he searched for the hotel listing, then punched out the numbers for the Maison, wondering why he was returning the call, because for the life of him, he just couldn’t think of one good reason for him to care that Ellen was back in town.
CHAPTER TWELVE
ELLEN WANTED to see him. For old times’ sake, she’d said. Jacob didn’t think there was anything in their old times that called for another meeting. Except, maybe, his three motherless children. They were beginning to bring Michelle into every conversation. And after the talk he’d had with Michelle the other morning, he had serious doubts that she’d be a part of their lives for very much longer. Because, despite what he’d told Michelle, there was no way they could continue to share his daughters without, sooner or later, ending up in each other’s arms again. The feelings between them were simply too strong.
Which left him with the same problem he’d had before. Allie, Jessie and Meggie needed a mother. Did Jacob have the right to deny them this chance? If Ellen was going to make an effort to see them, didn’t he owe it to the girls to find out if she’d changed?
* * *
“…SO CALLER NUMBER NINE wins a chance at the Hawaiian Tropics all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii on Delta Airlines. The number’s 555-8484. That’s 555-8484… .” Jacob watched Michelle snap off her mike as Bob put on the Hawaiian Tropics commercial in the other room and manned the phone lines.
A Coldplay tune was set for right after the commercial. They had five minutes. Now was as good a time as any. “Ellen’s in town. I’m having dinner with her tonight,” Jacob said, tapping his pen against the program log in front of him.
Michelle’s hand froze above her mike switch. “Ellen?”
“My ex.”
She looked at him, the hurt in her eyes quickly masked.
“The girls’ mother,” she said, as if that summed it all up.
“There was a message from her when we got home last night. She wants to see me.”
“Do the girls know?”
“No.”
She digested that bit of information in silence. Jacob wished he knew what she was thinking. What a crazy situation. He valued her advice, yet he could hardly ask the woman he’d fallen in love with what she thought about him seeing his ex-wife.
“I don’t know what Ellen wants or what this is all about. And until I do, the girls aren’t going to even know she’s around. They were hurt badly by her desertion, and I’m not going to risk it happening all over again.”
Michelle nodded. “Will Laurie stay with them tonight?”
“Probably. It was too late to call her last night, but she usually doesn’t mind short notice. Unless you want to stay with them,” he offered, responding to the look of yearning in her eyes.
“Could I?”
Jacob didn’t see why it should matter. The girls already adored her. One night more or less wouldn’t change that.
“Of course,” he said. “You’re a part of their lives for as long as you want to be, Michelle. I thought we’d established that much at least.”
She smiled, the hint of tears in her eyes saying far more than words. “Thanks,” she said, turning back to the mike just in time.
Jacob wanted to take her away and kiss her until all the pain she’d suffered was nothing but a memory. Instead, he called the mother of his children and confirmed plans to take her out to dinner. This time around he wouldn’t expect too much. He’d learned the hard way not to expect anything from Ellen at all.
* * *
ALLIE CALLED A MEETING with her sisters that afternoon after school. Daddy had told them about Michelle coming over when they’d been eating their snack. Allie’d been worrying since Disneyland that her plan for Daddy and Michelle to be in love hadn’t worked, but if Michelle was coming over not to sew or anything then it must’ve. Finally she was gonna get to tell the others her secret.
“Come on, Allie. Daddy said he’d take us bike riding,” Meggie complained as soon as Allie shut the bedroom door behind the three of them.
“Shh. He’ll hear you,” Allie said, climbing onto Meggie’s bed. “This is important.”
“What is?” Jessie asked, climbing onto the bed beside her.
Meggie sat on her pillow. “Yeah, what?”
Allie felt all excited inside. Her sisters were going to love this.
“Daddy and Michelle are in love and Michelle’s going to be our mommy.”
“I already know that,” Jessie said, rolling her eyes at Allie.
“How do you know?” Allie asked. She’d thought this would be a surprise.
“Because. I saw them kissing on the couch.”
Meggie sat forward. “When?” she asked, her dark eyes wide.
“One time when I had a bad dream. It was the middle of the night and they were kissing on the couch.”
Allie nodded, satisfied. She was actually relieved to know she was right. It was too important to make a mistake about. “Okay, so now we have to be really good tonight.”
“Again?” Jessie asked, frowning. “How come?”
“Because this is a pretend time for Michelle to be our mommy and we don’t want to make her change her mind.”
“That’s dumb, Al. Michelle’s been around lots already.”
“Yeah, but that was just to sew and stuff. This is the first time she’s coming just to be with us. It’s important or Daddy would’ve just called Laurie like he always does.”
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