Love's Pardon

by Darlene Mindrup

  She sat down in the chair opposite his desk and gave him a look that portended trouble. Lucius tensed, steeling himself for what she was about to say.

  “I have put off talking about your father for too long. It is time we get some things out in the open.”

  Lucius froze. Of all the subjects he had prepared himself for, this was the last.

  “I thought you said it was wrong to speak ill of the dead.”

  She sighed heavily. “I was wrong to try to protect myself at the expense of your father.”

  Blinking, Lucius sat silent not knowing what to say. Every muscle in his body went rigid.

  “Lucius,” his mother began, “it takes two to end a marriage.”

  He frowned, not certain he liked where this was going. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “I have allowed your father to take all the blame for the breakup of our marriage. I was wrong.”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but she held up a hand to silence him. “Please allow me to have my say without interrupting me.”

  He could already feel the stirrings of anger that were ever present when his father was discussed. Trying to stifle them, he picked up the stylus again and began twirling it through his fingers, focusing on the back-and-forth movement. Taking a deep breath, he told her, “Go ahead.”

  “There was no formal marriage between your father and me.”

  Lucius glanced up. “I know that. He was in the army and that’s forbidden.” It hadn’t really bothered Lucius since most of the legionnaires did the same thing. It was a foolish law and the troops had found a way to circumvent it. They either married anyway without anyone knowing it, or they just chose to live together as man and wife.

  His mother leaned forward. “To a Roman this means nothing, but to a Jew it is a deadly sin.”

  He knew that, as well. “But you did it anyway.” It was not a question.

  She sat back again and sighed. “I was young and in love. I know that’s no excuse, but I was headstrong and determined.”

  Nothing had changed much in the intervening years. She was still as headstrong and determined as ever, even with a failing heart.

  “Even when your father was recalled to Rome and we were apart all those years, I never stopped loving him.”

  The stylus snapped in Lucius’s hand. “How could you, Mother? He was a monster.”

  Leah’s face creased in anger. “He was what Rome made him.”

  Lucius couldn’t argue with her there. Hadn’t he felt the same way about himself lately?

  “By the time he was recalled to Rome we were already beginning to have problems. I tried to be everything your father wanted me to be. I changed my appearance, the way I dressed, even the foods I ate, but I just couldn’t give up my faith in the one true God. Your father hated what he considered my atheistic views. He thought he could change me, and he did. But into something I hated.”

  Lucius rose and began pacing. “I don’t understand. Father has been dead for years, yet you kept to Roman ways. Why?”

  He had to strain to hear her whispered voice. “I didn’t want you to hate me, too.”

  He whirled to face her. Closing the distance between them, he fell on his knees before her. “I could never hate you!” he growled in astonishment. “How could you think that?”

  “I knew how much you resented me for not coming to Rome.”

  He couldn’t argue with that. Resented yes, but never hated. There were so many things he didn’t understand, and he wasn’t certain he wanted to. Some things were better left alone.

  “Your father told me that the only way he would allow me to come to Rome was if I would renounce my God and embrace the Roman gods. That I just couldn’t do, not even for you, Lucius.”

  Lucius slowly rose to his feet, eyes flashing, nostrils flaring. “Did you really think that I would be like Father? Have I ever asked you to deny your God?”

  “He’s your God, too, Lucius,” she told him quietly.

  He didn’t bother to deny it. His mother’s teachings had remained with him throughout his life despite his father’s attempt to strip them away. When faced with death on the battlefield, it wasn’t the gods of Rome that he had called to. Afterward he would belittle his own need to call on any deity, but it didn’t change the fact that he had.

  “But you have become a Christian.”

  She then explained to him about Jesus and the fulfillment of the scriptures. A man who was supposedly God, but also the Son of God. It made his head ache just to think about it.

  “So this Jesus, this god-man, was meant to die so that everyone’s sins might be forgiven.”

  She got up and came to stand in front of him, her look compelling. “Everyone who will come to Him and accept his Lordship.”

  “And how can you expect me to change the feelings I have about Father after what you have just told me? How can you expect me to just forgive and forget?”

  He pushed away from her and began pacing the room again. He shoved an agitated hand through his hair, glancing her way.

  “Son, there are things you need to know about your father, about his past. Things that made him into the man that he was.”

  Lucius could see that she was tiring and that the strain of this conversation was wearing on her. He gently forced her back into the chair she had deserted and knelt again at her feet.

  “It doesn’t matter,” he told her softly. “It’s in the past.”

  She grabbed his hand. “But it’s not! If you believed that, you would be able to forgive him and move on with your life. Don’t think that I don’t know why you have never settled down with a woman.”

  His mouth parted in surprise. Now what was on her mind? “You know I could not marry as long as I was in the army.”

  “No!” she protested. “You are afraid. You are afraid that you will be like him.”

  His hands clenched into fists, and sparks of self-hatred shot from his eyes. “I am like him!”

  She leaned forward in entreaty. “No! You are nothing like him!”

  His look turned outward. “Everywhere I went, I was reminded what a fine officer he was, and everywhere I went I was told how much like him I was. Even my battle strategies were compared to his.”

  Leah placed her good hand against his cheek and turned him to face her. “Yes, you are a fine leader. So was your father. But being a good leader doesn’t necessarily make you a good father.”

  His eyes meshed with hers. “Or a good husband?”

  She smiled sadly. “Or a good husband.”

  Lucius sat on the floor, tucking his feet beneath him. He took her hand into his. “Tell me then what it is you want to tell me about Father that you think excuses him for the man he was.”

  She squeezed his hand slightly in understanding. “There are no excuses, but there are conditions that mold us into the people that we are. Your father’s parents died when he was young and he was sent to live with an uncle and aunt. They were not kind people. He was often beaten, and sometimes starved when he disobeyed. He had to be tough to survive.”

  “I never knew that.”

  She shook her head. “No, he rarely mentioned it, but it colored his thinking. He was afraid that something like that might happen to you if he was killed. It’s why he sent you away to Rome. That and the fact that he wanted you away from my influence of our Jewish God.”

  She looked down at him then. “Can you deny that your father is the reason you grew into the strong man that you are?”

  He sighed. Like his father, he had learned to be tough to survive. “No, I guess not, but that still doesn’t excuse him. What of kindness? What of love?”

  “You had a mother to give you that. He had no one. The Roman army is not the place to learn about love. He loved you as much as it was possible
for him to love anyone.”

  Lucius smiled wryly. He could feel the thin texture of her skin against his rough fingers and knew that his time with his mother was going to be very short. His chest became so tight he could hardly breathe. She wanted so much for him to let go of the past and, if there were any way possible, he would do that just to make her happy. But he still didn’t know how.

  “Do you really believe that?”

  “I know it. Why do you think he used his influence and wealth to procure you an officership? He was so proud of you, of what you became.”

  “And what of you?”

  How could his father have stopped loving his mother? How could anyone? She was the most lovable and kind person he had ever known. She was always helping those in need, always giving and never asking for anything in return.

  “I forgave your father when I accepted Christ as my savior. Just as He forgave me, I in turn extended that forgiveness to everyone who had ever wronged me.”

  Lucius lifted a brow. “Including your father.”

  She smiled. “Yes. But I was the one who needed to ask forgiveness of him. I am the one who disobeyed him, who turned my back on my faith.”

  “Is your illness then His repayment for you leaving your faith?”

  She frowned at him, clenching his hand as tightly as it was possible for her to do so in her weakened state. “No! Never! I have told you, Lucius, we all have to die. It is my time. Things have been set right and are being set right. My purpose here on Elohim’s earth has been concluded.”

  “And what about me? What will I become without you?”

  She got up from the chair and smiled down at him. “You will become the man of God I know you can be. I’ve given you much to think about. I will leave you alone now and retire to my bedroom. I’m suddenly very tired.”

  He started to rise but she laid a hand on his shoulder. “I can manage on my own.” Her look became mischievous. “I believe Anna is in the peristyle. The fresh air will do you good.”

  She left him sitting there, his mind whirling with confused thoughts.

  Chapter 14

  Anna surreptitiously watched Lucius from across the room as he sat talking with his mother after the group that gathered here each Lord’s Day had finished with the communal meal. Many people called it a love feast, but it was not the kind of love that they supposed. The pagan Romans were used to a very different kind of love feast, a feast of sensuousness. For Christians, it was all about brotherly love, a love that met one another’s needs in spiritual ways.

  Lucius had been sitting in on their worship services for the last several weeks, more to spend time with Leah than anything else. Still, Anna had hope that the things they discussed, the letters they read from the apostles, the faith of this mixture of people, would eventually reach past the pain in his heart and free him of what she had come to discover was his own self-loathing.

  He glanced up and caught her watching him. Leah’s look followed his and she smiled at Anna. She said something to Lucius and he kissed her cheek and rose to his feet. He was coming across the room and Anna’s heart accelerated to such a rate that she could feel her body tingling with expectation.

  Lucius took the seat beside her, cocking his head as he studied her. She could feel the heat burning in her cheeks. What exactly did he see when he looked at her? Unlike Valeria, she used no artifices except an occasional elaborate hairstyle that her maid Timna liked to experiment with. Today she was her normal self. Dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin. Nothing like the Lady Valeria.

  “You seemed deep in thought,” Lucius told her.

  She smiled. “Not so deep. My mind was circling in too many different directions to be in deep thought.”

  “Did any of those thoughts have to do with me?” he asked, his throaty voice causing little butterflies to wing their way around her stomach.

  She focused on her hands twining nervously in her lap. No matter how many times she rebuked herself, she just couldn’t stop the effect he had on her. The kiss they had shared was forged permanently into her mind.

  “In fact, they were,” she answered softly. “I was thinking how happy you have made your mother and how content she has become even away from her beloved Judea.”

  Lucius frowned, glancing back at his mother. “I still wonder if I did right by bringing her here.”

  Anna gently laid a hand on his arm. The warmth of his skin slid up her fingers, warming her more thoroughly than the burning lamps scattered about the room.

  Lucius glanced from where her hand rested into her eyes. His searching look told her that he was equally affected by their physical contact. His lips parted slightly and he focused on her lips. She quickly pulled her hand away and turned to study the room, willing her heart to stop its hectic drumbeat.

  “Your mother is not sorry that she came. She is happier than I have seen her in some time.”

  “And you?”

  How to answer that? Her confused feelings had her joyful one day and near despair another. There was no way around it. Leah was going to die soon and Anna would lose both her and Lucius. When Leah was gone, there would be no reason for her to stay. The happiness Leah had brought to her life would stay with her forever, but knowing that she was with the Lord brought equal parts joy and pain.

  “I have no regrets,” she told him.

  She could feel him willing her to look at him, but she refused. This was the Lord’s Day, a day to focus her thoughts and feelings on Him, not her own selfish desires.

  “I understand there is to be a man coming to speak,” he mentioned.

  The thrill of Lucius’s touch paled in comparison to the excitement that raced through her at mention of the man who was coming to speak to their gathering. He was a Roman who had seen the Lord Jesus when he walked the earth in Palestine. How could she have forgotten such an important guest? It was just another indication that Lucius had such a hold over her thoughts and feelings that she could think of little else when he was around, and even when he was not.

  She turned to him, brown eyes glittering with anticipation. “I don’t know much about him, only that he was alive and in Palestine when Jesus walked the earth.”

  He started to answer her, but a commotion at the door turned their attention that way. The room came alive with excited chatter, everyone straining to see the man who had entered.

  His bearing when he walked into the room gave credence to the fact that this man had once been an officer in Rome’s army. He surveyed the room much like a general inspecting his troops.

  Anna saw Lucius rise to his feet, his eyes wide in surprise. She glanced from him to the other man and saw equal recognition and surprise.

  “General Atticus!”

  Lucius stood frozen to the spot. This was their guest speaker? This was the man of God who had seen Jesus? How was this possible? General Atticus had been one of Rome’s finest generals before he retired. Unlike many, he was honest and trustworthy and his men would follow him anywhere, even into death. Much as those under Lucius’s command had felt about him.

  The general crossed to stand before Lucius.

  “Lucius Tindarium! Whatever are you doing here?”

  Lucius shook himself from his shocked stupor. “This is my home.”

  Bushy eyebrows lifted in surprise, the general gave him a searching look. “You are a follower of the Christ?”

  The question unnerved Lucius. Was this a trap set by Rome to seek out and find those who would refuse to worship the emperor? Thoughts zinged through his mind as he tried to overcome the shock enough to think things through to protect his mother.

  His mother joined them before Lucius could think of a reply. She held out her hand to the general.

  “Welcome to my home,” she told him graciously, and the general glared at Lucius suspiciously.
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  “This is my mother,” he told him and saw the other man relax slightly.

  General Atticus took Leah’s hand and raised it to his lips. “I am pleased to meet you, dear lady. I have heard much about you and the good you are doing in this city.”

  The surprises just kept coming. What was the general talking about? What good was his mother doing?

  “Thank you, General.”

  The general smiled in return. “Please, call me Atticus. I haven’t been a general for many years.”

  Leah looked from Lucius to Anna. “Allow me to introduce my best helper. This is Anna. She is from Bethany in Judea, and I hope one day to call her my daughter-in-law.”

  Lucius saw Anna’s face turn the color of a ripe pomegranate. Evidently she could no more think of anything to say to such a bold statement than he could.

  “I am pleased to meet you,” the general said, before turning back to Leah. “I am sorry I was so late, but something came up that I had to attend to.”

  Leah took his arm and they walked away, his mother’s voice floating over her shoulder. “That is quite all right. We weren’t certain that you would be able to make it today anyway.”

  Lucius slowly lowered himself to the reclining couch next to Anna. He glanced over at her and his lips twitched as she looked everywhere but at him.

  The idea of Anna as his wife held great appeal for him, but did she feel the same way? Before he could ask, his mother rang a bell to silence the room. She introduced the general and then sat down and gave the floor to him.

  Atticus looked about the room, gauging each person’s interest.

  “Many years ago I was stationed in Jerusalem. A man was brought to trial for being an insurrectionist. This man’s name was Jesus.” He had to wait for the murmurs to quiet before he could continue.

  “I was one of the soldiers who nailed Jesus to the cross.”

  Shock waves rippled throughout the room. Some voices grew angry, but the general hushed the crowd again with a raised hand.

  “I was one of the men who sat at Jesus’s feet gambling for His clothing. I am also the one who pierced his side with a spear.”