On My Knees

by Meredith Wild

  “Jia, I can’t do this.” I jolted back, out of her grasp. Her hands fell down.

  “Is this about Cameron?”

  I fumbled for an answer, thoughts whizzing through my mind. “Maybe.”

  “He never needs to know. Plus, you can’t let him tell you what to do.”

  “This is insane. Kevin will be in here any minute.”

  “He will, and we’re going to give him a good show. You’ll like it, Maya. Then he’ll do his thing, but don’t worry, that never lasts too long. You’ll be all blissed out from me making you come to even notice anyway.” A dark smile curved her lips. “You do this and we might both get promotions.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  She rolled her eyes, her sultry voice hardening again. “He’s bored.”

  “He’s married.”

  “Oh, who cares? You think half these guys don’t fuck around? Anyway, he’s never seen two women together. We’re hot, we like each other, and he gets off. Everyone wins. If we’re lucky, he’ll come in his hand before he can put it in either of us.”

  My mouth opened wordlessly.

  “Ladies.” Kevin’s voice echoed through the room as he entered “Don’t let me interrupt you.” He closed the door behind him and loosened his tie, tossing it to the side. Undoing the first few buttons of his shirt, he sat leisurely on the adjacent chair. His legs were wide and casual, and he bit his lip. He gazed up at us with an obvious hunger. The sexual voyeur who I used to think of as my boss was now waiting with waning patience for Jia to start the show.

  “Where do you want us, Kev?”

  He nodded to the desk. “Right there. I want to fuck her on it after.”

  My heart beat rapidly, my head swimming in a sudden dizziness. This was too much. For starters, I wasn’t drunk enough to remotely consider this. Secondly, this was my job, my livelihood we were talking about. I didn’t gamble with that.

  With no signs of hesitation, Jia started to unbutton her silk blouse while I tried to get a handle on the proposition she’d just landed on me. In a matter of moments she’d slipped off her skirt and stood before me, clad only in dark lavender lace under-things, her thighs decorated with lace topped stockings. She went for the buttons on my blouse again and pulled me into another kiss. Her lips were rougher, more demanding this time, blinding my ability to think clearly.

  This wasn’t happening. This could not possibly be happening. Jia was beautiful, a friend, sexier than I’d given her proper credit for. Sure we’d had our moment at the club, but I hadn’t really thought of her like this. We’d just been having fun before, but this was far beyond the boundaries of our friendship.

  I darted my gaze around the room, wishing someone could save me from this totally fucked up situation. Dermott readjusted himself, his eyes never leaving us. A wave of nausea hit me. This was eleven shades of wrong. I tensed, resisting the urge to push her off of me even though that’s all I could think of doing.

  “What?” she whispered.

  I shook my head slightly, hoping the motion was imperceptible to Dermott. She hushed me again, her frown disappearing with a slow, sexy smile. She slid her hand between my legs and pressed against me through the fabric of my pants.

  “I won’t bite, I promise,” she whispered.

  I took a step back, leaving her at the desk. With shaking hands, I fumbled with my buttons, trying to pull myself back together.

  “I’m sorry.” I shook my head. I couldn’t find the words to say anything else. I turned and left. Rushing toward my cubicle, I struggled with the last buttons on my blouse. The office was empty except for the cleaning crew that hadn’t made its way to our part of the floor yet.

  I went to my office to grab my purse and stopped suddenly when Cameron was sitting at my desk. He was doodling on a notepad, his legs outstretched, filling up the small workspace with his large frame.

  He looked up with a bright smile that quickly faded as he assessed me. A second later Dermott was there, unaware of Cameron’s presence. He looked irritated and somehow determined. Before he could speak, Cameron rose.

  “What’s going on here?” Cameron’s voice barely hid a rage that I sensed was growing rapidly below the surface.

  Dermott straightened. Cameron was wearing a thermal henley that highlighted the strength of his chest. A detail that was no doubt noted as Dermott quickly recovered himself.

  “Nothing at all,” he rushed. “Maya, I just wanted to let you know that there may be a few minor details left on the documents that we need to clear up tomorrow. I’ll email you if anything comes up.”

  I stared at him, nodding slightly. Was I going to play along with this? Dermott turned back and disappeared into the darkness toward his office where Jia was probably still getting dressed. Or not. A wave of guilt hit me that I’d left her there to fend for herself.

  I fastened the last button on my blouse, threw on my coat, and reached around Cameron to grab my purse.

  “You want to explain what the fuck is going on?” His jaw worked, and his eyes were wide with the anger that rolled off of him now.

  “Let’s get out of here.” My voice was quiet, hiding the embarrassment of being caught in the midst of this totally fucked up situation.

  We hadn’t left the block before he stopped us. He turned to face me, leveling his eyes with mine.

  “Talk. Now. I need to know what the fuck went down in there.”

  I searched for the right words, failing because I was still trying to figure it all out myself. I hated how it looked on the outside. He was obviously furious. I had no hope of explaining this one away as a non-sexual late night rendezvous.

  I eyed him warily. He looked even bigger and broader in his coat. If I didn’t love him so much, his sheer size might scare the hell out of me.

  “It was nothing,” I insisted.

  “Like hell.” His breaths came slow, billowing in the cold air. “You need to tell me what the hell happened in there before I lose my fucking mind.”

  I sighed, looking around nervously. I didn’t want to have this conversation with him, now or ever. I wanted to pretend this whole thing had never happened. I squeezed my eyes closed and decided to go with the truth.

  “Jia came onto me.”

  When I opened my eyes, a confused grimace pinched his features. “Jia? I don’t understand.”

  “She and Dermott wanted me to…” I shook my head, trying to shake off the uncomfortable new memory. “I don’t know. Let’s talk about this later, please.”

  “No. Why was your shirt unbuttoned?”

  I threw my hands up. “She unbuttoned it!”

  “You didn’t say no?” He shoved his hands through his hair, his jaw working anxiously.

  “Well, not right away. I didn’t know what the hell was happening! She kissed me out of the blue. I was confused.”

  “Did you enjoy it?”

  I gasped. “What kind of question is that?”

  “I don’t know. Are you, like, a lesbian?”

  “Oh my God, did you get concussed in the military? Kissing a girl doesn’t make me a lesbian. I was stunned by what was happening. Not like I fucked her. Jesus.”

  “Would you have?”

  “Did I? I ran out of there and the decision, which wasn’t really a decision, probably cost me my job. I’ll be shocked if I don’t have a pink slip on my desk when I go back next week. Why were you there anyway?”

  “It’s Christmas Eve. I thought you’d finish up early and we could get dinner. I guess that’s shot.”

  I dropped my head in my hands, exhaustion taking hold over my mind and my body at once. “I’m sorry you had to see any of that. I have no idea what to make of it. Dermott…” I groaned and fought the surge of panic that welled at the very real possibility that I could lose my job over this debacle.

  “Dermott, your boss?”

  “Yeah.”

  His eyes narrowed and his breathing slowed, the overall effect being predatory, and not in the seductive way
I loved. I dropped my hands in my coat pockets, glad I could hide the dampness accumulating in my palms. The whole situation was wreaking havoc on my nerves.

  “So if Jia was unbuttoning your shirt, what was he doing?”

  I tapped my foot roughly against the pavement. I hated this. I hated everything about this conversation. No matter how I relayed the truth, he’d be furious, with them and very likely me too. No one was good enough for Cameron, not even me.

  “Maya. Talk. Now.”

  “He watched,” I blurted. “Until I ran out. Everything happened really quickly. They had this planned out, and I think I ruined it. Maybe…maybe she thought I was going to be more receptive to something like that because of that night at the club. I don’t know. She said if I did it, we’d both get promotions.”

  I laughed at the incredulous notion that I’d fuck a friend on my boss’s desk for a promotion. Heaven help me.

  “Mother fucker.” The muscles in his jaw bulged and he pivoted in the opposite direction.

  “No, no. Stop.”

  “I’m teaching that asshole a lesson.”

  “Cameron, no!” I screamed.

  He stopped, allowing me to circle in front of him. I put my trembling hands on the panels of his coat.

  “If I don’t lose my job over this, it’ll be a small miracle. Let’s not hasten the inevitable, okay? Let them fire me first, okay?”

  “Did he touch you?”

  “No, I promise. He never touched me. I ran out of there as soon as I figured out what was going on.”

  “Christ, Maya.” He gritted his teeth and pulled away.

  I weakened at the separation. The waves of his rage were rolling over me, crushing me. “Why are you angry with me? This wasn’t my idea!”

  “I warned you about her, for starters. Secondly, did it ever occur to you that drunkenly making out with someone from work might have perpetuated this?”

  He held my gaze. Anger was there, but also disappointment. A sickness rooted in my gut as I followed his unspoken thoughts.

  My lips tightened into a firm line and I avoided his eyes. Those eyes that crushed me with the simplest, purest look of disdain. I inhaled a shaky breath, but it wasn’t enough to restore what that look had taken away.

  “It did not occur to me because I haven’t had a moment to even make sense of it, and here you are, attacking me, turning this into something that’s my fault.”

  I stepped away quickly and hailed an approaching cab.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going home. Alone.”

  I hopped in, shut the door, and locked the door before he could reach for the handle.

  “Drive,” I ordered the cabbie.

  “Where to?”

  “Delaney’s on Pearl.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CAMERON. I sat in the dark quiet of the room, listening to the seconds tick by on the new clock Olivia had hung on the wall. Everything was perfect, I guess. Furniture, fucking throw pillows, even art on the walls. Somewhere in Olivia’s world, pleasing our parents still mattered this much.

  It was past one o’clock in the morning. They’d descend on the house in a matter of hours, yet I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. Maya had made it clear that she didn’t want me coming after her. I’d promised not to let her run anymore, but the guilt had overrun the frustration. I’d reacted without giving it a second thought, without considering for a moment what all of it meant for her personally. I’d been a complete asshole for freaking out on her, for passing judgment too quickly. She’d already walked out on me for that before. Apparently I had to learn that lesson more than once.

  I jerked when the phone rang. Maya’s number came up.

  “Maya?”

  “It’s Vanessa. Are you home?”

  “Yeah, why what’s up? Is everything okay?”

  “It’s Maya. She’s...”

  I stood quickly. “What’s wrong?”

  “She showed up at my apartment about twenty minutes ago. She nearly fell out of the cab. I’d have her stay here, Cameron, but my parents are going to be here in the morning. I just don’t want her to be uncomfortable when she comes out of it. I’m sorry—”

  “It’s fine. Text me the address. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  I hung up, rushed downstairs, and jumped into the SUV parked on the street.

  When I arrived, Vanessa came out front to flag me down. She was in her pajamas, her arms wrapped around herself.

  “Where is she?”

  She led me inside and through a hall to a small bedroom. In it Maya was sprawled across the bedspread, passed out. Her face was obscured by the tangled mess of her hair. Her limbs were limp and outstretched in different directions.

  “How much did she drink?”

  Vanessa chewed her lip, her eyes never leaving Maya. “I’m not sure. She said she came from Delaney’s. It’s this bar near the office that she goes to sometimes.”

  “I’ve never heard of it.”

  “I doubt she’d bring you there. It’s kind of a seedy joint. I wouldn’t be surprised if they served her whatever she wanted for as long as she wanted. That could be a lot. She doesn’t really know when to stop when she gets going.”

  “You think?” My voice was clipped, dripping with disappointment that she could allow her friend to carry on this way.

  Her shoulders slumped a little, betraying her guilt. “I’m sorry for bothering you with this. Usually Eli is around to help, but he left town to visit his family. I didn’t know who else to call.”

  “I’m glad you called. But what the fuck, Vanessa? How can you two watch her keep doing this and not say something?”

  She crossed her arms, hugging her body. She avoided my eyes.

  “This ends tonight.”

  Her gaze shot up to mine.

  “If I find out she gets like this again with you or Eli, you will personally answer to me.”

  “I can’t control how much she drinks. She’s an adult.”

  “Then don’t go out with her.”

  Not waiting for a response, I went to Maya. Unable to rouse her with words and determined nudging, I scooped her into my arms.

  “Can you open the car for me?”

  Vanessa nodded, moving quickly ahead to lead me out. I laid her down in the back seat, covered her with my coat, and switched the heat on high. Despite all the movement and negotiating her position, Maya never woke.

  “Should I take her to the hospital? She’s not responsive at all.” I held my hand over her heart. A steady beat matched the slow rhythm of her breath. At least she was breathing.

  “I know this seems bad, Cameron, but I think she’s okay. I mean, she’ll feel like shit in the morning, but this isn’t the first time this has happened.”

  “Apparently.” I pushed down a host of other scathing remarks and shut the door. “Good night, Vanessa.”

  “Merry Christmas.” Her voice was sad, with a hint of sarcasm that a little part of me appreciated. Merry fucking Christmas.

  I drove to Maya’s apartment. I carefully arranged her in my arms and managed to find her keys in her purse, gaining us entrance. Her body tensed as we entered her bedroom, and I thought I heard a moan muffled into my chest. I lowered her onto the bed and switched on the side lamp. She squinted, covering her eyes with her hands.

  “Cam, is that you?”

  “Yeah, it’s me.”

  She rolled onto her side and hummed, a drunk happy sound. I undressed her, tugging her clothes off with all the finesse of a child undressing a ragdoll. Afterward, I stripped down to my boxers and slid into the bed beside her, pulling the blankets over us.

  I brushed the hair back from her face. “You okay, baby?”

  The slits of her eyes opened, seeming to focus on me. Confusion then recognition passed over them.

  “Why do you do this to yourself, Maya?” I whispered. I brushed her cheek, watching her slip back into sleep.

  She opened her eyes, finding me again in t
he fog. She reached for my hand, feebly pulling it away from her face and down to her chest. “Cam... I love you. Even though this’ll never last. You and me. I still love you. I want you to know that.”

  “Why are you saying that?”

  “I’ll fuck it up. Somehow… The way everything’s all fucked up now. And you’ll leave again.”

  Her lips wrinkled into a sad line, one that made me wonder if she’d been crying tonight. Her eyes were red and swollen, as if she had been.

  My jaw tightened, my teeth gnashing against the unexplainable jolt of pain that shot through me with those words. If what I’d done to us years ago was the root of her sadness, of whatever had brought her this low, I knew her more intimately than anyone. After all, I’d brought the same torture onto myself. I’d lived with it. I’d survived it too.

  I kissed her gently. “I’m not leaving. I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

  She closed her eyes. A sad smile faded as quickly as it arrived, and she slid back into unconsciousness. I watched her, studied the motion of her breathing until sleep finally beckoned me too. I fought it, filled with an irrational fear that as soon as I closed my eyes, I’d lose her again.

  MAYA. I’d been ill for hours before it struck me that today was Christmas. Too embarrassed to have him see me this way, I’d begged Cameron to leave me alone to purge all my horrible stupidity in privacy. Over and over, the waves of sickness came, and then the tears. I couldn’t remember much but I knew it wasn’t good. I’d woken up in bed with him, to the worried look in his eyes. He hadn’t been anywhere in my memories of the night, which wasn’t a good sign.

  A while later he knocked on the door. I stirred from a merciful respite on the soft padded rug on the bathroom floor.

  “Maya, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  I rose, painfully slow to avoid the terrible rush of blood to my already throbbing head. No part of me wanted to see my face. I feared one look at myself would send me right back to the toilet, so I kept my eyes downcast as I washed my face and brushed my teeth again. I toweled dry and emerged, walking past him and back into the bedroom.

  I sank into the bed, pulling the covers up around me as if they could protect me, save me somehow. He sat by my feet, silent and still.