On My Knees

by Meredith Wild

  I took a step closer, grasping her hands in mine. She was trembling, maybe from the cold.

  “All I care about right now is being with you.”

  “I want to be with you too. I wish I didn’t care what they think of me, honestly, but a part of me hates that I’ll never be what they want for you. That they’ll be disappointed in you because of me.”

  I tipped her chin, lifting her gaze to mine. Searching her eyes, I wished for an answer to the question I hadn’t had the courage to ask again.

  “You’re what I want. You’re everything to me. The good, the bad, and every moment in between. Everything we’ve been through has made us who we are, and I wouldn’t change a minute of it because I love you so much right now it hurts.” I swallowed hard before freeing my next words. “I want everything we had and more. I want this...us, forever.”

  “Cam.” Her lip quivered.

  I traced its curve as her mouth fell open. I wanted to pull her closer, to kiss away every insecurity she ever had. But I had to tell her everything. I had to get the words out, even though this wasn’t remotely how I’d planned it.

  My lips went dry. I fought to breathe. Nerves, the weight of our past, like a bag of stones pressed down on my lungs. I reached into my pocket and retrieved a small black velvet box. I held it loosely between us, my fingers not quite ready to release it yet. I tensed, every instinct held me back and shoved me forward at once.

  “I love you, Maya. I’ve always loved you. Every part of you, no matter what you think or what anyone says. The day I met you, something drew me to you. And I haven’t found anything like it since. I’m not in love with who you used to be, or who you strive to be. I’m in love with your soul. That’s all I see. Nothing and no one is going to ever change that.”

  When I looked back to her, tears brimmed her eyes. She shook her head and something like dread seized me.

  “Please...don’t, Cameron. Not now. I can’t do this, not with everything else that’s happening right now.”

  A tear slid down her cheek. I wiped it away. My heart broke for her, for both of us. Why couldn’t I fucking get this right? Was I living under some sort of curse? I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I drew in a steadying breath.

  “Marry me, and we’ll face it together. That’s all I’ve wanted from the beginning.”

  “You don’t need to be dealing with all my baggage, problems that I still need to work through.”

  “I’ll tell you what I need. You. You’re all I need. I can’t fucking sleep at night without you next to me. I can’t think straight when things aren’t right between us. My life has been a goddamn wreck since the day I left you. I want us both to finally be happy again.”

  “If it doesn’t work... I can’t live with hurting you again.”

  I sighed, fighting the wave of emotion that hit me. “Then don’t… Say yes. Marry me, and I promise you that we will make it work this time. We’ll get through whatever crap life throws at us. Together.”

  Her eyes glittered with emotion, tears that she could no longer hold back slid down her cheeks.

  “Maya. Baby, I’m asking for your heart, and the promise that I’ll always have it. After all we’ve been through, that doesn’t seem like too much. You said you loved me, that you wanted to be with me. Prove it. Let’s make this real.”

  She didn’t need to say anything, because I could sense the answer. Her gaze lowered to the box that I still held firmly. Would it matter if I opened it, or would that simply deepen the old wound of her refusal? I shoved the box back in my pocket. The motion felt like I was putting my heart back into my body after I’d held it out in the cold for her to take, to keep.

  “I’m sorry. Cameron, Dermott fired me today. Between that and your parents, and now this...” She stared down at the ground between us, her shoulders bowed. “I love you and I’m not saying no, but I need time to sort through my life. Everything is off kilter. I’m literally reeling, and I can’t tell up from down, let alone make a lifelong commitment. I’m begging you to give me time to make sense of all of this.”

  My throat tightened. I was in disbelief that we could be in this place again. I tried not to think about the last time we’d been here. Everything played out in slow motion and I analyzed each step, each word, scared to death it would lead us out of each other’s lives again.

  She sighed heavily. Her dark eyes were a billboard for how emotionally destroyed she must have felt in that moment, and I was right there with her.

  Time.

  That was it. I could give her that, right? As much as I wanted an answer, yearned for the simple affirmation and to know deep down that she meant it, I convinced myself that I could wait a little longer for it.

  She hadn’t said no. She hadn’t rebuffed the admittedly half-baked proposal. I hadn’t even shown her the goddamn ring. Not that it would have mattered, but I wasn’t exactly doing this by the book. Again.

  “Okay,” I finally said.

  She looked up, worry written all over her face.

  “I’ll wait. Take the time you need. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

  Unmistakable relief glimmered in her eyes. I pulled her close, warming us, making myself believe that she’d come back to me if I let her go this time.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  MAYA. I woke early and with purpose. The dawning morning was a dim mixture of pink and gray. Untouched white snow blanketed the trees. I took a snapshot in my mind, knowing the quiet beauty wouldn’t last.

  I shuffled around the apartment, making coffee and toast for breakfast. My body had become used to rising early, and thanks to some miracle of willpower, I had no hangover to sleep off. Now that my world was effectively turned upside down, I was fiercely determined not to muddle it further.

  Finally I sat down at the coffee table. The two notebooks lay open in front of me—Cameron’s gift and my own, the one he’d read. I still wondered how much he’d read, but I pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter. Today had nothing to do with guilt or arguing with the past or lamenting circumstances that were well beyond my control. I was determined to start the slow and overwhelming process of rebuilding my life. That meant facing my past in a way I never fully had before.

  With all the idealism of an optimist writing out his new year’s resolutions, I resolved that today would be the beginning of a new me. And I had the good sense to know I wasn’t the new me yet, and that I was going to have to work to find that person. I was grateful and utterly relieved that Cameron had accepted my indecision last night. I genuinely needed time, and time was the only thing that would put me in the right place to give him the answer he needed, the answer I so badly wanted to give him. I had no idea when that might be. I only hoped he could wait for me to get there.

  Over the course of the morning, I filled the new notebook with final copies of the scribblings that had cluttered my original spiral bound. The thoughts were clean. Instead of shaming the words—whether or not Cameron’s eyes had grazed them—I’d given them a place to live, and hopefully, to rest.

  The book had represented years of fleeting moments, the deep toil of emotions around Cameron, my mother, work, and the unknown future. Until recently, I’d barreled ahead through so much of that pain with little to no regard for my health or any adult kind of respect for my life and the people in it. I refused to accept that as my reality any more.

  I finished, tossed the old notebook in the trash, and placed the new leather bound copy on the shelf next to my favorite books and photos. I’d spent the morning reliving every emotion in every word. Now, I was ready to start living my future.

  I spent the next week wasting afternoons in cafes, writing more, thinking, researching job possibilities. Dreaming. I walked everywhere. Unhurried, cold, and sobering walks that took me to places in the city I’d never bothered going before. Everything was open and possible. I only had to choose my path.

  Dermott finally
sent the agreement with the glowiest recommendations I’d ever read, which gave me no small amount of satisfaction. I’d signed it, more grateful than ever that I’d never grace that office again. I didn’t rule out the possibility of crossing paths with them in the future, but I hoped that enough time would go by first to fade some of the resentment I now harbored.

  Eli was out with his new boyfriend most nights. I mostly read and slept in the evenings. Cameron and I talked once a day. I even popped into the gym a few times to help him get his taxes sorted. His lack of organization was staggering, and being handed the task of straightening it all out was unexpectedly fulfilling. I was enjoying the reprieve from work, but I desperately needed an occupation. That much was becoming clear.

  Much to Cameron’s surprise, I worked out of my own volition. I did my yoga and pretended that Raina wasn’t teaching it. In a further attempt to keep things on an even keel, I reassured myself that my recent absence wasn’t providing an opening for her to make a renewed try for Cameron’s affections.

  We were taking time, but nothing had lessened the strength of my feelings for him. I saw the asking in his eyes. He invited me to dinner, but I turned him down as politely as I could. I wanted nothing more than to spend time with him, but he clouded everything with the addictive pull he had over me, the drug that was loving him. At least for now, I clung to the clarity this break was giving me, determined to find and solidify the person I needed to be before rushing back into his arms.

  CAMERON. Olivia brought the last of the dishes to the table. Darren dug in without ceremony, piling her homemade pasta onto his plate like a starved man. Olivia smiled.

  “Looks great, Liv. Thanks.”

  “No problem. We haven’t had a family dinner in awhile.” Her smile faded a second later, her gaze flashing to me. “I mean...”

  “It’s okay. This is what I consider a family dinner anyway.”

  The next few moments passed in awkward silence as we ate. I contemplated that night with our parents, warring with who to blame for how it all turned out. At first I’d blamed Olivia for raising concern to begin with, prompting the second of two visits I’d considered entirely unnecessary. I even considered blaming Darren for not being there to run interference, but even his easy charm wouldn’t have distracted Diane from saying what she had.

  I blamed Maya’s boss for ruining her day and possibly her career, pushing her to the emotional edge. Over the past couple days I’d seriously considered paying the asshole a visit and giving him the sound beating I should have given him the night he’d propositioned Maya. If she ever learned of it though, I’m sure it wouldn’t earn me points with getting her back.

  Her job drama aside, I blamed myself for making the mistake of bringing her to see them, for rushing into the marriage conversation when she obviously wasn’t ready for it. I’d been selfish, wanting to bind her to me. Now all I wanted was to simply be with her. I could point the finger all I wanted, but ultimately the blame fell squarely on my shoulders. Married or not, I just had to have her with me. I refused to accept that I could lose her again. I’d even considered returning the ring, as if that symbolic step backwards could undo this separation. If only it could be that easy.

  The events of that night had ultimately pushed Maya back out of my life. Not forever, but enough that I deeply regretted the distance between us. I ached for her. I slept like hell, if at all. I’d been withdrawn and growly at work, which is likely why Olivia arranged this dinner. A peace offering, maybe. She’d taken the brunt of my mood. We were a unit, albeit a small one, but we had to be strong for each other.

  “How’s work, Darren?” she asked.

  “Good. You know, it’s fire season. Plenty of people trying to heat their apartments with toaster ovens. Makes for interesting days.”

  “Any new recruits?”

  He twisted his lips up. “Nah.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “What about the blonde? She seems like she’s all over you. Easy pickings, right? Isn’t that what you always say?”

  He ran his teeth across his bottom lip and glanced to the side. “I don’t know. Not my type.”

  I laughed loudly. “You’re joking, right?”

  He smirked, finally meeting my gaze. “Fuck you, man. What’s up with Maya anyway? Hate to shine a light on the elephant in the room, but you’ve been impossible to be around lately. Is it over with you two, or what?”

  I leveled a glare at him at the mention of her name. I’d made it pretty clear I didn’t want to discuss it. Olivia stared at her plate toying with her food, her lips pressed together.

  “We’re taking some time, that’s all.”

  “She’s still coming by the gym though. Are you cool with that?”

  “I’m fine. I lived without her for five years. What’s another few weeks or months? I should be a pro at this by now.” I worked my jaw. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wished I had somewhere far away to be right now. It was a dark thought, to want to be someplace shadowed in memories that kept me up at night. Anything to be free of this brand of agony.

  When she’d come to the gym, I had to keep myself from hauling her into my arms and kissing her breathless. Instead I’d watched myself pull away a little more every time I saw her. The less we interacted, the easier it seemed. Having to see her and not be able to touch her or tell her how I felt was a slow torture. She’d asked for space, and God knew I’d pushed her hard enough already. She hadn’t said no, and as much as I hated the idea of giving her time—spending any unnecessary time apart—I didn’t get that sinking feeling that we were over.

  Impossible as it seemed, I would try like hell to give her the time she needed. I just worried how long I could survive it.

  Darren took a swig of his beer. “What about you, Liv? Anyone catching your eye?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. You’d think in a city this big, I’d be dating someone by now.”

  “Plenty of beefy guys at the gym.” Darren gave her a silly smile.

  “Right.” She rolled her eyes. “Like you two wouldn’t be pulling your usual overprotective routine the second one of those guys asked me out.”

  “Hey, that’s what big brothers are for, you know.” Darren reached over and mussed her hair.

  She swatted him away, unsuccessfully hiding a grin.

  We finished eating and she rose to clear the table when Darren stopped her.

  “I’ll get it, Liv. You cooked. Let me clean up.”

  She settled back down, fidgeting with her napkin as he disappeared into the kitchen with our plates. The silence was heavy. We’d barely spoken since New Year’s and the more time went by, the harder it’d become to breach the tension that had come between us.

  “Cameron, I’m sorry. A part of me feels like this is all my fault.”

  I resisted the urge to tell her she was completely right. I wanted her to feel a fraction of the devastation that I did. The regret in her eyes softened that urge. Instead of the meddling spitfire who’d taken charge of the finer details of my life the past couple months, all I could see was my baby sister. I’d seen her through enough that I knew what genuine regret looked like on her.

  “Water under the bridge, okay? Let’s get past it. Just promise me you’ll never pull that shit on me again, all right?”

  Her shoulders relaxed with evident relief. “Thank you. I’m going to talk to Maya sometime too. Maybe when things are more settled between you two. But I owe her an apology. I realize that. I’ve been a complete bitch. I know it’s not an excuse, but I hope you understand that I was only trying to protect you.”

  “I get it. I’m protective of you too. That’ll never change. Hopefully I don’t inadvertently end up scaring off your reason for living though.”

  The regret was back. The corners of her lips turned down a fraction.

  I reached for her hand, giving it a small squeeze. “Enough of this heavy stuff though. Want to watch a movie?”

  She brightened a little. “Sure.”

&nb
sp; “Go pick something out. No chick flicks.”

  She laughed and rose. “Right. Wouldn’t want to see you two tough guys getting all weepy on me.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  MAYA. Vanessa rushed into the cafe, stress written all over her face. I didn’t miss that look. For a second I thought I could actually see the shackles on her ankles as she joined me at the table. I’d never been so happy to be a free bird.

  I rose and she gave me a firm hug.

  “How are you doing?” The question was rhetorical. I knew Reilly was definitely still making her daily life pure hell.

  She sighed and dropped into the chair. “I miss you like crazy, Maya. I’m so happy you’ve moved on, but I also kind of hate you, you know?”

  I laughed. “Sorry. I’ll try to get down here more often for lunch.”

  “Are you job hunting?”

  “I’m seeing what’s out there, but I haven’t applied anywhere. I’ve been helping Cameron out with some business stuff at the gym. Otherwise just kind of taking a break. Trying to figure out where to go from here.”

  “I’m sure Cameron is psyched to be able to spend more time with you.”

  I stalled, unsure of where to start. I didn’t really want to get into where things stood with Cameron right now, but I’d have to eventually. Thankfully the server came and took our orders. I hoped that would distract her, but her focus was fully trained on me, a concerned look in her eye.

  Vanessa must have read the hesitation on my face. “Are you two still together? What did I miss?”

  “We’re kind of taking a break.”

  “Was that your decision?”

  I nodded.

  “What did he do? Was he a jerk to you?”

  I laughed. “Twenty questions, Vanessa.”

  She threw her hands up. “I’m out of the loop. Seriously, fill me in. Fast. Who knows when I’ll be beckoned again?”

  I sighed. “He wasn’t a jerk.” Far from it. He’d been sweet and poured his heart out to me.