Martin is sitting in his lounger watching TV, and Jeannie is on the couch folding laundry. Progress is slow with Martin, but every step forward is a positive.
Ever since the kiss and our conversation, Ethan has given me space and time to process. Both things I needed. “Okay.”
Ethan’s smile is nervous and pleasantly surprised. “We’re going down to the lake for a bit, Mom.”
Jeannie looks up from the towel in her lap and smiles. “You kids have fun.”
I follow Ethan down the path to the dock and we sit on the edge, dangling our feet in the cool water. Summer is fading quickly; the heat and humidity will disappear soon, replaced with fall’s frosty fingers.
“I put in an offer on the Hoffman estate today.” Ethan’s arm brushes my shoulder as he settles beside me on the end of the dock.
“Oh! That’s great! Why didn’t you say anything until now?”
“I haven’t told my parents yet. I want to see if the Hoffmans counteroffer first.”
“Do you think they will?”
“Dunno. I lowballed, so we’ll see if I offend them with my offer.” His dimple appears below his eye, maybe pleased at the idea that he could offend the Hoffmans. We went to school with the kids—they drove expensive cars and acted like they were better than everyone else.
Ethan settling in Forest Lake when he could be in Saint Paul, closer to his teammates, seems significant, but I’m aware his father’s health is a big part of this. It’s not about me. “How long until you find out?”
“They have forty-eight hours, so it’s a wait-and-see.”
“I bet you’ll be happy to have your own place again.”
“Yeah. All I wanted as a kid was to have that basement to myself, and now that I do, I can’t wait to get out of it.”
“Funny how the things we want change, isn’t it?”
“Not everything, though.”
I’m not sure I’m quite ready to dive into what happened in the panic room yet, so I shift away from that topic. “How was practice today?”
“Good. Great even. The routine is kind of a relief, you know? It gives me a place to put my energy that isn’t my dad or finding a house. The team has been really welcoming and it helps that I played with Josh Cooper when I was in LA. And this is familiar.” He motions to the water and then me. “So that makes it easier, too.”
I focus on the coffee cup clutched in my hands. Our unfinished conversation from two days ago hangs heavy between us. Once this door opens, I can’t close it, and I’m not even sure I want to anymore, which is terrifying.
“I’m sorry about the other day. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that, especially not under the circumstances,” he says softly.
“I get why you did.”
“It doesn’t make it okay. I just…want your forgiveness, even if I’m not sure I deserve it.”
I make circles in the water with my toe, watching it ripple out. The water breaks against Ethan’s ankle. “I shouldn’t be holding something over your head that happened eight years ago. We’ve both had a life since then. It’s unfair to keep harboring this anger. Like you said, we were kids.”
“Don’t diminish what I did to you, Lilah. It wasn’t fair. The way I managed the end of us was shitty. You can be angry about that. You should be.”
I set my cup beside me on the dock. “For a long time I was, but holding on to that anger doesn’t do either of us any good.”
His expression turns imploring and hopeful. “You have every right to guard your heart against me. I’ve earned your mistrust, and I’m under no illusion that my apologizing or explaining absolves me of the pain I’ve caused us both.”
“But?” I prompt when his two deep breaths are followed by silence.
He trails his fingers down my cheek. It’s like a blanket in winter, catching static. “Do you feel this the way I do anymore? Still? It seemed like maybe you did when I kissed you.”
“Ethan—” Emotionally, I don’t know if I’m prepared to cross this line again, but physically, my body responds to his touch, warming me from the inside.
“What we had, I think it’s rare. I didn’t understand it back then. I wish I had—maybe it would’ve changed things. I don’t know…” He trails off, fingertips tracing the contour of my bottom lip. “I know so much has changed and that it won’t ever be the same as it was, but maybe we could try—maybe you could let me try.”
I watch the bob of his throat, the way his tongue sweeps across his lip, and he cups my cheek in his palm. Anticipation makes my breathing shallow as he leans in and I mirror the movement to meet him. My heart might want to fight, but the rest of me wants to give in.
His warm breath washes over my lips, and he stills as the end of his nose brushes against mine. “Can I kiss you?” The words barely carry.
I tip my chin up in response, and then his mouth is on mine, softly, sweetly—at least at first. I taste penance in his gentleness. I feel his regret in the tender way his palm curves along my jaw, and I sense his need for forgiveness in the tentative stroke of his tongue.
As I absorb all of his emotions, I let them tangle and swirl with my own, until need and desire overthrow years of unmanaged anguish. Ethan’s hand skims my side, grazing the swell of my breast before dropping lower to rest on my hip. It’s been years since I’ve felt this kind of rush, the heat of desire detonating, sending a backdraft of want crashing into me.
Ethan must sense it, feel it in the same way I do, because we’re suddenly both scrambling and frenzied. He drags me into his lap, positioning my legs on either side of his hips, hands roaming, skimming the spot on my ribs that always makes me jerk and giggle.
He bites my lip through a smile that fades as soon as I settle over his straining erection. We both groan and he cups my ass, pulling me tight against him. Fire rockets through my veins as I roll my hips, lust quickly spiraling out of control.
The sound of a porch door slamming reminds me that despite dusk having crept in, we’re not alone.
“Ethan, you have a call from Josh.”
I cringe and attempt to scramble out of his lap while he grips my hips to keep me where I am.
“Your mom can see us,” I hiss.
“It’s almost dark. We’re just a blob,” he replies, then calls out, “Can you tell him I’ll call him back?”
“He’ll be right up to take it!” I shout after him. It’s better we stop before it gets out of hand. I don’t know that I’ll have the willpower to say no to him, not when the draw between us is so consuming.
“Okay. I’ll tell him you’ll just be a minute, then?” Jeannie calls back. I can hear the smile in her voice.
“No!” Ethan yells at the same time I say, “Yes.”
“I’ll tell him you’ll call back,” she says with a chuckle. The porch door slams again.
When I try to use his shoulders to push to a stand, Ethan slides his hands under my skirt, fingers dragging over bare skin. “Stay right here with me, Lilah.”
“Isn’t Josh your team captain? Don’t you need to call him back?”
“What I need is to kiss you again.”
“What you need to do is tell me what exactly is happening here.”
“Well, we were making out until we were cockblocked by Josh.”
I’m not sure if he can see my arched brow in the waning sunlight. He slips his hands out from under my dress and cups my face in his palms, caressing my cheeks. His touch is all sweetness, sending a shiver down my spine. “Spend some time with me.”
“Time?”
He nods. “I have a hard time believing I’ve been brought home and all of this”—he gestures to the house—“my dad’s stroke, your divorce, my trade, doesn’t mean something. I don’t expect this to be what it was before, but if you can give me some time to get to know you, then maybe we can be something again.” He looks so hopeful.
“Okay.”
“I promise you won’t regret it.” His smile pops his dimple. “I’m still super fun to hang out with.”
I laugh. I don’t doubt that in the least, and if I’m honest with myself, I want to know the man in front of me just as much as he seems to want to know me, no matter how much it scares me.
* * *
My phone rings as I finish up with the cashier at the grocery store on Thursday afternoon. It’s likely one of two people, my sister or Ethan—I’m betting on the latter. I answer on the second ring.
“Hey, beautiful, what’re you doing?”
“Currently I’m leaving the grocery store.”
“I mean tonight. Did you stock up on snack food? We should have a movie marathon. And FYI, carrot sticks and hummus don’t qualify.”
I laugh, but there are nerves under the humor. A movie marathon with Ethan would be both fun and dangerous—hours snuggling in the dark is something I’m not sure I’m quite prepared for. “It’s a weeknight. I can’t do a movie marathon.”
It’s been two weeks since I agreed to spend time with Ethan. While we haven’t gone a day without speaking, we’ve only been out a few times beyond my stopping by his parents’ place. Last week we went on a walk-through of the Hoffman house. They accepted his offer and he’ll take possession next month. This time I stayed far away from the wine cellar, but we spent quite a while in the master bedroom, Ethan making jokes about wanting them to include the art hanging opposite the bed in the sale.
A few days ago Ethan showed up at my house unannounced, with flowers, to suggest going for a run with me and Merk, likely because he knows I’ve been reluctant to be alone with him unless there’s some activity that takes us out of the house.
Coffee dates are safe because other people are around. Ethan in my house is another story. Any kind of cuddling opportunities will most definitely lead to other activities, the kind that might result in missing clothes. Every time he touches me, an arc of electric need passes between us. It’s becoming more difficult to resist the pull. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to keep my emotions locked down if I give in to that need. So my super mature strategy so far has been avoidance.
“Okay. No midweek movie marathon. What about dinner?”
“The professor just posted the syllabus for my stats course that starts on Monday. I want to get started on the first assignment.”
“That’s almost as bad as telling me you’re washing your hair.”
“It’s been a long time since I took stats and it was never my favorite. I want to stay on top of things.”
“Feeding your body feeds your brain, Lilah. You can’t learn effectively on an empty stomach. There are studies to support that.”
“I just bought all these groceries. I have loads of food.”
“Please? I won’t keep you long. Have dinner with me. Spend some time with me. Exhibition games start soon and I want to get in as much time as I can with you between then and now.”
I sigh. I want to bend for him. I want the time, as well, and that worries me. Exhibition games signal the beginning of the regular season, and that will mean more travel and less time.
“I know that sigh, Lilah.” I can hear his smile.
“It’ll be casual? I don’t need to dress up?”
“Not unless you want to. Maybe I can help you study after dinner.”
“I’m not taking human anatomy, FYI.” Back when we were young, half the time studying was a euphemism.
“I’ll pick you up in an hour.” He ends the call before I can come up with a sassy retort.
I slip my phone in my purse and head toward my car, both excited and nervous about this date with Ethan. As I’m loading groceries into my trunk, I note movement in my peripheral vision. I adjust the cart so it’s not in the way but freeze when I look up to find my ex-husband standing in front of me, holding hands with a girl—I’m not sure she’s old enough to actually be classified as a woman.
“Delilah.” He looks me over while my gaze bounces between him and his new girlfriend, or maybe he’s become a Big Brother recently.
“Hi.” The word draws out, the i extending so long it becomes awkward.
A pang makes my chest ache momentarily, sadness over the failure of our relationship, maybe a hint of jealousy over being traded in for a coed. I’m pretty sure she’s not wearing a bra. Her bright yellow tank top screams YOLO across her chest. It’s paired with cutoffs so short the pockets hang out of the bottom.
“Angelica, this is Delilah, my ex-wife. Delilah, this is my girlfriend, Angelica.” Avery gives me a tight, questioning smile.
I can be pleasant. Civil in the face of this awkwardness. Conversation between Avery and me had been limited to ironing out the legal aspects of the divorce and nothing else. Papers have been signed, assets were long ago divided. It’s not this girl’s fault that any of this has happened.
I drop the final bag into my trunk and extend a hand. Angelica takes it, smiling uncertainly. “It’s uh…I’ve heard lots about you.”
“I’m sure you have.” I smile wryly. I wonder what awful things Avery has said about me.
“Why don’t you go on inside. I’ll be in in a minute.” Avery gives her hand a reassuring squeeze and presses his lips to her temple, whispering something that dissolves the worry on Angelica’s face.
“Okay. It was nice meeting you.” She still sounds a little uncertain as to whether that’s true or not, but she lifts her hand in a wave and flounces to the entrance.
I glance over my shoulder, noting that her shorts barely cover her butt, before I turn back to Avery with one brow raised. “Can she vote?”
“Be nice, Delilah.” Avery’s smile is dry, though.
“It’s a legitimate question. How old is she?”
“She’s of legal drinking age.”
“So you can do body shots at the night club—that’s fun.”
His lips flatten in a thin line. “She’s sweet and uncomplicated, which is what I need right now.”
I feel the sharpness of that statement cut across my heart. Our relationship was a huge, difficult complication in both of our lives near the end—and maybe before that. “I’m sorry—that was petty and uncalled for.”
“It is, especially considering.” He looks away, maybe to hide his own hurt.
“Considering what?”
“Come on, Delilah—it’s all over the local papers.” Avery’s exasperation is something I’m all too familiar with.
“What’re you talking about?”
“You and Ethan Kase. It’s not like there’s any real news in this town for people to focus on. There’ve been all kinds of pictures of the two of you together since he moved back.”
“I’ve been helping him with his father. Martin had a stroke.” I’d forgotten how little there is to pay attention to in this town.
Avery gives me a sad smile. “I don’t know why you think you need to lie to me about this, but I hope whatever is going on between you works out this time, because Christ knows no matter what I did, I couldn’t ever compete with him.”
I shake my head. “Compete? It wasn’t—”
“I thought with time you’d get over him, that I could love you enough to make up for him leaving, but that never happened.”
“That’s not why we didn’t work.” As I say it, I have to question if it’s true.
He sighs. “You never let him go, Delilah. Not him, not his family.”
“They were my family, too. They were there for me when mine fell apart.”
“I would’ve been there, if you would’ve let me.” Avery rubs his chin on a sigh. “You don’t need to defend your relationship with Jeannie and Martin, who I’m very sorry about, by the way. I know how important they are to you and that they always have been. But they took precedence over me. It was hard not to be jealous of that. And it was impossible to compete with a memory. So for now I need something simple. Angelica doesn’t have the baggage we do. She’s happy to make me the center of her world, and that’s what I want to be. I hope this time around you won’t hold back with Ethan the way you always held back with me.
”
“Avery, I—”
“I’m not saying this to be hurtful. Just try to allow yourself to be loved the way I wanted to love you.”
I see so clearly, as I look at this man I spent all those years with, how I broke his heart. Maybe the same way Ethan broke mine. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not blaming you. I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted to be able to give that to you, and I was caught up in trying to find a way to hold on to your heart, even though it was never going to be mine. It took me longer than it should’ve to figure that out.” He swallows thickly and blows out a breath. “Anyway. I shouldn’t keep Angelica waiting. Take care of yourself.”
“You, too, Avery.”
He gives my arm a gentle squeeze, and I grip his forearm, giving him pause.
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.”
I release his arm, watching him walk away. My knees feel weak as I sink into the driver’s seat. I take several deep breaths, still reeling from his frankness and his honesty. More than that, I’m saddened by the clarity of his truths.
He’s right, though, about everything. When we first started dating, I was so taken by how enamored he was with me. I’d been validated by his need for me and it had given me purpose again. But I still held back. I never gave him my heart, because it wasn’t free to give. It was tied up in someone else, in a love I’d lost and couldn’t let go of.
I have another chance. I can allow Ethan to dance around the periphery of my heart—the one he left a hole in all those years ago, or I can let him in and give him a chance to fill that void.
It’s terrifying, the thought of opening myself to his love again. But I’ll regret it if I don’t.
Chapter Eleven
Try
Ethan
I show up at Lilah’s doorstep five minutes early with treats for Merk and a bag from the local bakery containing breakfast for tomorrow. Before I can lift my hand to knock, Merk comes rushing to the door, tail wagging, barking happily.
“Come on in!” Lilah shouts from somewhere in the house.
As soon as I let myself in Merk runs around in a circle, then drops his butt on my foot and nudges my hand with his nose, looking for pets. “You need help getting dressed?” I call out and open my palm so Merk can get his treat. He takes it gently and runs off to his bed in the living room to enjoy it.
The Good Luck Charm Page 10