The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

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The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel Page 10

by Don Marquis

ancient lineage part persian and part

  maltese a sort of maltese cross

  i said archy she said please

  do not josh my mother i

  cannot permit levity in connection

  with that saintly name she knew many

  troubles did my mother and

  died at last in a slum far from

  all who had known her in her better

  days but alas my father

  was a villain he too had noble blood

  but he had fallen into dissolute

  ways and wandered the

  alleys as the leader of a troupe of

  strolling minstrels stealing milk

  from bottles in the early mornings

  catching rats here there and

  everywhere and only too frequently

  driven to the expedient of dining on

  what might be found in

  garbage cans and suburban

  dump heaps now and

  then a sparrow or a robin fell to my

  fathers lot for he was a mighty hunter i

  have heard that at times he even

  ate cockroaches and as she said

  that she spread

  her claws and looked at me with her

  head on one side i got into the works

  of the typewriter mehitabel i

  said try and conquer that wild and

  hobohemian strain in your blood archy

  she said have no fear i have dined

  today but to resume my

  mother the pampered beauty that she

  was was eating whipped cream one

  day on the back

  stoop of the palace where she resided

  when along came my father bold

  black handsome villain that he was and

  serenaded her his must have been a

  magnetic personality for in spite of

  her maiden modesty and

  cloistered upbringing she responded

  with a few well rendered musical

  notes of her own i

  will not dwell upon the wooing suffice

  it to say that ere long they

  not only sang duets together but

  she was persuaded to join

  him and his troupe of strollers in

  their midnight meanderings alas that

  first false step she

  finally left her luxurious home it was

  on a moonlight night in may i have

  often heard her say and again and

  again she has said to me that she

  wished that robert w chambers could

  have written her story or maybe john

  galsworthy in his later and

  more cosmopolitan manner well to

  resume i was born in a stable in

  greenwich village which was at

  the time undergoing transformation

  into a studio my

  brothers and sisters were drowned

  dearie i often look back on my life and

  think how romantic it has all

  been and wonder what fate saved

  me and sent my brothers and sisters

  to their watery grave archy i

  have had a remarkable life go

  on telling about it i said never

  mind the side remarks i became

  a pet at once continued

  mehitabel but let us not make the first

  instalment too long the

  tale of my youth will be reserved

  for your next chapter to be continued

  MAY 8

  A Pampered Kitten

  well i said to

  mehitabel the cat continue

  the story of your life i

  was a pampered kitten for

  a time archy she said but

  alas i soon

  realized that my master and

  mistress were becoming

  more and more fond of a

  dog that lived with

  them in the studio he was

  an ugly mutt take it from

  me archy a red eyed little bull

  dog with no manners i

  hope i was too much of a lady

  to show jealousy i have

  been through a great deal

  dearie now up and now down

  but it is darn seldom

  i ever forget i was a

  lady always genteel archy

  but this red eyed mutt was

  certainly some pill and those

  people were so stuck on

  him that it would have made

  you sick they called him

  snookums and it was snookums

  this and snookums that and

  ribbons and bells and porterhouse

  steak for him and if he

  got a flea on him they called a

  specialist in only one

  day archy i hear my

  mistress say snookums ookums

  is lonely he ought to

  have some one to play with

  true said her husband every

  dog should be brought up along

  with a baby a dog

  naturally likes a child to

  play with we will have no

  children said she a

  vulgar foolish little child

  might harm my snookums we

  could muzzle the child said

  her husband i am sure

  the dog would like one to

  play with and they

  finally decided they would get

  one from a foundling home

  to play with snookums if

  they could find a child

  with a good enough pedigree

  that wouldnt give any

  germs to the dog well

  one day the low lived mutt

  butted in and tried to

  swipe the cream i was drinking even

  as a kitten archy i

  never let any one put anything

  across on me although i

  am slow in starting

  things as any real lady

  should be dearie i let

  this stiff snookums get

  his face into the saucer

  and then what i did

  to his eyes and nose with

  my claws would melt the

  heart of a trained

  nurse the simp had no

  nerve he ran to his

  mistress and she came after

  me with a broom i

  got three good scratches

  through her silk stockings

  archy dearie before i

  was batted into the

  alley and i picked myself

  up out of a can full

  of ashes a cat without a

  home a poor little

  innocent kitten alone

  all alone in the great and

  wicked city but i never

  was one to be down

  on my luck long archy my

  motto has always been

  toujours gai archy toujours

  gai always jolly archy

  always game and thank god

  always the lady i

  wandered a block or

  two and strayed into

  the family entrance of

  a barroom it was my

  first mistake mehitabels

  adventures will be continued

  MAY 11

  Mehitabel the Cat Has Struck

  well boss i am

  sorry to report that

  mehitabel the cat has

  struck no more story archy

  she said last night

  without pay art for arts

  sake is all right but

  i can get real

  money in the movies the

  best bits are to

  come too she says my life

  she says has been a

  romantic one boss she has

  the nerve to hold out

  for a pint of
/>
  cream a day i am sick

  of milk she says and

  why should a lady author

  drink ordinary milk cream

  for mine she says

  and no white of egg beaten

  up on top of it either i

  know what my dope

  is worth boss it is

  my opinion she has the

  swell head over getting into

  print i would hate

  to stop the serial

  but she needs a

  lesson listen archy she said

  to me what i want

  with my stuff is

  illustrations too the next

  chapter is about me taking

  my first false step well

  archy i either get an

  illustration for that or else

  i sign up with these

  movie people who are always

  after me you will be

  wanting to sing into a phonograph

  next i told her

  my advice is to

  can her at once i will fill

  the space with my own

  adventures

  MAY 14

  It Was Beer

  to continue the story

  of mehitabel the cat

  she says to me when i

  walked into that

  barroom i was hungry and

  mewing with despair

  there were two men sitting

  at the table and

  looking sad i rubbed

  against the legs of one

  of them but he never moved

  then i jumped up on

  the table and stood

  between them they both stared

  hard at me and

  then they stared at each

  other but neither one

  touched me or said anything

  in front of one of

  them was a glass full

  of some liquid with

  foam on the top of it i

  thought it was milk

  and began to drink from the

  glass little did i

  know archy as i lapped

  it up that it was beer the

  men shrank back from me and

  began to tremble and shake

  and look at me

  finally one of them said to

  the other i know what you

  think bill what do i

  think jeff said the

  other you think bill that

  i have the d ts said the

  first one you think i

  think i see a cat drinking

  out of that beer glass but

  i do not think i

  see a cat at all that is all

  in your imagination it

  is you yourself that

  have the d ts no said the

  other one i dont think

  you think you see a

  cat i was not thinking

  about cats at all i

  do not know why you mention

  cats for there are no

  cats here just then a

  salvation army lassie came

  in and said you

  wicked men teaching that poor

  little innocent cat to

  drink beer what cat

  said one of the men she

  thinks she sees a cat

  said the other and

  laughed and laughed

  just then a mouse ran

  across the floor and i

  chased it and the salvation

  lassie jumped on a

  chair and screamed jeff

  said bill i suppose now you

  think i saw a

  mouse i wish bill you

  would change the

  subject from animals said

  jeff there is nothing

  to be gained by talking

  of animals mehitabels

  life story will be

  continued in an early number

  MAY 17

  A Saucer Full of Beer

  for some weeks said

  mehitabel the cat continuing the

  story of her life i

  lived in that barroom and

  though the society was

  not what i had

  been used to yet i

  cannot say that it was

  not interesting three

  times a day in

  addition to scraps from

  the free lunch

  and an occasional mouse

  i was given a saucer

  full of beer sometimes i

  was given more and

  when i was feeling

  frolicsome it was the custom

  for the patrons to gather

  round and watch me

  chase my tail until

  i would suddenly fall

  asleep at that time

  they gave me the

  nickname of pussy cafe but

  one day i left the

  place in the pocket

  of a big fur

  overcoat worn by

  a gentleman who was

  carrying so much that i thought

  a little extra burden would

  not be noticed he got

  into a taxi cab

  which soon afterwards

  pulled up in front of

  a swell residence uptown

  and wandered up the

  steps well said his

  wife meeting him in the

  hallway you are here

  at last but where is my

  mother whom i sent you to

  the train to meet

  could this be she asked

  the ladys husband

  pulling me out of his

  coat pocket by the neck and

  holding me up with a

  dazed expression on his face

  it could not said his

  wife with a look of

  scorn mehitabels life

  story will be continued

  before long

  JUNE 7

  The Cat Is Sore at Me

  well boss mehitabel the

  cat is sore at me she says

  that it was my fault

  that you cut off her story

  of her life right in

  the middle and she

  has been making my life a

  misery to me three

  times she has almost clawed

  me to death i wish

  she would eat a poisoned

  rat but she wont she

  is too lazy to catch one well

  it takes all sorts of

  people to make an

  underworld

  JUNE 15

  Comma Boss Comma

  say comma boss comma capital

  i apostrophe m getting tired of

  being joshed about my

  punctuation period capital t followed by

  he idea seems to be

  that capital i apostrophe m

  ignorant where punctuation

  is concerned period capital n followed by

  o such thing semi

  colon the fact is that

  the mechanical exigencies of

  the case prevent my use of

  all the characters on the

  typewriter keyboard period

  capital i apostrophe m

  doing the best capital

  i can under difficulties semi colon

  and capital i apostrophe m

  grieved at the unkindness

  of the criticism period please

  consider that my name

  is signed in small

  caps period1

  archy period

  JUNE 30

  Lawn

  boss i must say

  you are some gardener i

  gave that hand

  nourished lawn of yours the

  once over the other

  day and the only

  question in my mind is

&nbs
p; whether you will

  cut the grass yourself

  with a safety razor or send for a barber

  JULY 7

  Workman Spare That Bathtub1

  boss i saw a

  pitiful sight yesterday i

  was crawling across the

  ruins of an old house that

  the workmen are tearing

  down up town and

  i saw a middle

  aged man sitting on a

  pile of bricks with

  his gray hair in his hands he

  was weeping and moaning

  and i gathered from his

  remarks that the place was once

  a boarding house where

  he had spent

  many happy years i caught

  a few strophes of his

  song of woe as

  follows

  o workman spare that bathtub o

  that bathtub made of zinc

  that bathtub in the boarding house

  that i lived in for years

  fond recollections of

  my youth surge oer

  me when i think

  upon that bathtub in that

  boarding house and i

  choke up with tears

  when splashing of a sunday

  morn a peevish voice and surly

  would tell me to make

  haste and be

  myself again adorning

  throughout the week it

  had few friends

  but o on sunday morning

  that bathtub in the

  boarding house was

  busy bright and early

  how well i can remember how

  as i tripped down the hall

  the boarders heads would

  be poked out along the

  corridor

  the sound of some one singing

  upon my ears would fall

  and sounds of others waiting

  and getting very sore

  o workman spare that

  bathtub to me it does

  bring back

  the merry days when i was

  young and all the world was pink

  o workman spare that bathtub

  from ruin and from rack

  the bathtub in the

  boarding house

  the bathtub made of zinc

  JULY 27

  Washington D C

  washington d c july

  23 well boss here

  i am in washington

  watching my step for fear

  some one will push me

  into the food bill1 up

  to date i am the only thing

  in this country that

  has not been added to it by

  the time this is

  published nothing that

  i have said may be

  true however which is a

  thing that is constantly happening

  to thousands of

  great journalists now in

  washington it is so hot here that

  i get stuck in the asphalt

 

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