The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

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The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel Page 11

by Don Marquis

every day on my

  way from the senate press

  gallery back to

  shoemakers where the

  affairs of the nation

  are habitually settled by

  the old settlers it

  is so hot that you can

  fry fish on the

  sidewalk in any part of

  town and many people

  are here with fish to fry

  including now

  and then a german

  carp i am lodging on

  top of the washington

  monument where i can

  overlook things

  you cant keep a good bug

  from the top of

  the column all the time i

  am taking my meals with

  the specimens in the

  smithsonian institution when i

  see any one coming i hold

  my breath and look like another

  specimen but in the

  capitol building there

  is no attention paid to me

  because there are so

  many other insects

  around it gives you a

  great idea of the

  american people when you

  see some of the

  things they elect after july

  27 address me care

  st elizabeth hospital

  for the insane i am going out

  there for a visit with

  some of your other

  contributors

  AUGUST 1

  Archy in Washington

  well boss from official

  circles here I learn

  that things could not well be worse

  with regard to the war situation and that

  this is no time for

  pessimism as we have

  the enemy licked to a

  frazzle everything

  is gloom and america

  is about to save the

  world there is no

  hope anywhere and we

  should all feel cheerful because

  things are going better than

  could be expected the

  administration is very

  angry at the people who are

  giving out cheerful

  reports and at the same time

  wishes to emphasize the fact that

  pessimism is part of the

  propaganda of our enemies the

  way russia is acting now has cheered

  everybody up wonderfully and

  all seems lost it hampers the

  administration frightfully for conflicting

  reports to be sent to the

  country and I am authoritatively

  informed that what the

  secretary of war said

  yesterday will be denied by the

  secretary of the navy

  tomorrow it is of the utmost

  importance that the people

  should realize that

  the department of publicity is

  doing all it can to

  suppress such rumors as it has

  not started itself the

  situation here is full of

  depression and recent reports

  from returned observers

  say that all is well I am keeping

  in touch with everything

  that is about to happen and will

  let you know from day

  to day what the news was about to be

  so you can have plenty of time

  to deny it in advance

  of its publication

  AUGUST 20

  To Help Win the War

  i was asking

  myself the other day

  what i could do to help

  win the war and

  like a flash the answer came to

  me i can help with

  the food problem by keeping

  out of the canned goods and

  this will not only be better

  for the country but

  more comfortable for myself there

  are thousands and thousands

  of other insects all over

  the country who

  can render a similar service

  SEPTEMBER 24

  Out of the Cockroach Body

  boss i have had a terrible time

  since i last wrote you as i

  told you long ago i was originally a

  vers libre poet and my

  soul after leaving that body

  migrated into the

  body of a cockroach before that

  happened i did not believe in the

  doctrine of transmigration of

  souls but after it happened

  how could i refuse to credit it well

  it gave me a great deal of interest

  in all psychic matters and it

  struck me not many weeks ago that

  if it were possible for a soul

  to leave a poet that way and go into

  the body of a cockroach

  at the poets death it might be

  possible to manage it without death the

  truth is that i got tired of being a

  cockroach and wanted to be

  human again i practised and practised

  until i found myself able to get out

  of the cockroach body and

  naked on the air of heaven ride but it

  is not all that it is cracked up to be

  there is nothing that can get so

  cold as a soul these autumn nights

  when it has no body and no blankets

  and in winter it is worse yet after i

  had gained proficiency i began

  to look around for a human to

  get into but as far as i could

  learn every human was filled with

  a soul already but i began to

  make longer and longer trips away from

  my cockroach body imagine my

  consternation and surprise one day

  some weeks ago upon returning to the

  cockroach body which i had left to find

  that it had been squashed and swept out

  with a broom i looked at the fragments

  with horror it was a very discouraged

  looking set of remains but there i

  was out in the world with

  no shelter all sould up as you might

  say and no place to go it may strike you

  as nothing to worry about and it

  wasnt so bad for a day or two but there

  is a horrid sense of helplessness

  about it if you are interested in

  psychic research and that

  sort of thing you can get a

  little fun for a while appearing in

  seances and balling up the messages

  but believe me psychic research is more

  interesting when you are the human calling

  up the spirits than when you

  are the ghost too often

  they make you the goat that

  soon palled on me and i wandered for

  weeks the most lonely thing in new york

  city at last in despair i

  got into the carcass of another cockroach

  again of about the same size and

  general appearance of my old frame but

  the whole affair has had a most

  depressing effect on me imagine taking

  all that trouble to get away from

  being a cockroach and then get

  shoved back into one by

  fate again i think i will

  stick to the old homestead for a

  while how do i know but what the next

  time i might get into the body of a

  flea or a communist

  OCTOBER 13

  A German Periscope

  well boss after a series of

  adventures more thrilling than anything
/>   that ever happened to

  sindbad the sailor i

  found myself clinging to

  the top of a german

  periscope 300 miles off the

  coast of new england any moment the

  vessel might submerge and

  it would take me hours to wade ashore suddenly

  i saw a fleet of

  vessels coming in our direction heavens it

  was a flock of ships carrying american

  soldiers and supplies to france had the

  submarine seen it yet i asked

  myself i must save that covey

  of transports at all costs in a

  moment my plan was laid i climbed

  onto the lens of the periscope and began

  to run rapidly back and forth across it with an

  undulating movement as if

  i were a ship presently i heard a voice in german

  floating up the tube of the periscope which i

  translate for the

  convenience of your readers heinie1 said the

  voice look out the periscope and see if

  any transports are about high high

  your ayeness i mean aye aye your highness said

  heinie and a moment later he

  exclaimed i see a queer ship

  shaped like a cockroach skooting over the

  waters of the atlantic fool let me look you

  have been inhaling too much oil said the

  commanding officer i redoubled my

  efforts to look like a ship it is too true said

  the commanding officer the americans

  have launched some

  terrible new invention in the foreground

  is a

  vessel like a cockroah and behind it is

  a fleet i can scarcely make out but

  likely they are all composed of these

  new hellish inventions what fiendish

  practices they put into operation

  against us

  poor innocent submarines let us

  sink at once and do it as

  spurios as possible an instant later the

  vessel had sunk and i was on my way

  to the

  bevy of american ships i had

  just saved

  OCTOBER 19

  Patience Worth1

  Archy, our well known vers libre cockroach, who has skipped merrily on from incarnation to incarnation, is planning to interview Patience Worth in the near future.

  NOVEMBER 1

  Beware the Demon Rum1

  well boss on these

  rainy days i wish i was

  web footed like a jersey mosquito no

  one has yet invented

  an umbrella for cockroaches i was

  over across the street

  to the barroom you used to

  frequent before you reformed today

  and it was raining outside i

  pulled a piece of cheese

  rind over my head to

  protect me from the weather and

  started for the door as i

  passed by one of the booths a man

  who was sitting in it said to

  his companion please call a

  taxi for me where do you want to go

  said his companion i am

  bad again said the man i want to

  go to some place where they

  treat nervous diseases

  at once you look all right

  said his companion i may look all

  right said he but i don’t see

  all right i just saw a piece

  of cheese rind crawling along the

  floor and as i passed by i

  said to myself beware the demon rum

  it gives your brain a quirk

  it puts you on the bum

  and gives the doctors work

  NOVEMBER 8

  Sounds Like a Jolly Gang

  well boss i had one gay

  time last night i ran

  onto a book worm in one of

  the tomes on your desk and

  found him a friendly

  little cuss come he said to

  me with his little eyes

  shining brightly through his

  horn rimmed glasses let us

  make a night of it let us

  have a gay evening lead on

  says i we will go says

  he to the annual

  exhibit of the new york

  microscopical society at the

  american museum of natural

  history they have there

  some treponema pallidum1 some

  models of amoeba and

  paramoecium and some

  pediculus capitis the deuce you

  say said i yes said he it

  will be a rare treat

  indeed there are also some

  ziroons there showing their

  pleochroic halos the

  nerve of them i said do

  the authorities know it my

  word yes says he the department of

  health is responsible for

  it come let us hasten there is

  also a fine selection

  of diplococci to say nothing

  of the protococcus nivalis and

  a specimen of phlogopite

  from canada it sounds like a

  jolly gang i said will there

  be anything to drink

  at this party i understand

  he said that cerebro spinal

  fluid will flow

  like water the gay dogs i

  said guide me to

  it professor its always

  fair weather when good fellows get

  together i must warn

  you he says that one

  is not allowed to feed the

  animalculae well when we

  got there what do you

  suppose the bunch was

  germs boss germs just

  ordinary germs pardon me i said

  i will associate

  with insects humans and

  ghosts but not knowingly

  with germs you must excuse me

  one must draw the line somewhere

  these friends of yours look

  like alien enemies to me they

  may have noble names but

  their blood is thin

  so i left

  him flat and dropped into

  a beef steak pie in one

  of these arm chair restaurants for

  a bite to eat and a

  warm bath before

  going to bed

  that book worm was

  out for some wild

  evening boss its strange how

  many of these quiet

  looking little high brows have

  bohemian tastes

  NOVEMBER 12

  Interest in Science

  boss my interest in science

  is keen but my

  sympathy with scientists is

  declining very rapidly the

  more i see of them the less i

  want them to see

  me i heard a couple of

  entomologists talking the

  other day you want to be sure

  and get over to the brooklyn

  museum on thursday evening he said

  there is going to be a

  lecture on a new

  kind of killing bottle good

  said the second one i will

  surely be there if there is

  anything that is needed for

  the cause right now

  it is a new killing bottle i

  looked at him and he

  seemed a kind hearted man too

  just thoughtless likely

  i thought what is sport to

  you old fellow is

  death to us insects morality

  is all in the point

  of view if the cockroaches
/>   should start to killing the

  humans just to study them there

  would a howl go up from

  danville illinois to

  beersheba palestine even germans

  are not gassed for study but

  only in the way of

  business and battle many would

  think twice about stepping

  on a pacifist who would

  send any number of potato bugs

  to their funeral pyre without

  remorse justice as maurice

  maeterlinck points out is not

  inherent in the universe and what

  man has put there he

  uses when he uses it at all

  strictly for his own

  purposes the world is so sad that

  the only way to live

  with it is to laugh at it

  NOVEMBER 14

  He Cried into His Beer

  as i go up and down the town

  hither to and fro i gather many a

  smile and frown and talk of

  thus and so i lately

  listened and i heard two chaps

  their luck bewail life did not get

  a pleasant word they

  told an awful tale for one of them

  had just been fired he

  glummed and wondered why he cried

  into his beer

  aspired

  to punch the boss his eye too

  true the other one exclaimed this

  world s a burning shame the

  game of living has been framed it is

  a rotten game and ever as they railed

  at fate and wooed the sombre muse

  they steadily absorbed a great

  sufficiency of booze but neither one

  that cursed his luck and beat his burning bean

  would blame the downfall on the truck

  that passed his lips between

  and as i listened there i thought it were

  more candid far to give its dues to what they bought

  across the varnished bar they should indeed

  be far more frank about their hard lucks boss

  they should remark

  each genial tank unto their bosses faces

  you can t expect a man to drink as much as i do boss

  and have much time to work and think

  and put the job across

  oh boss you ask too much of me

  i do the best i can but who can lush

  continually and be a working man

  you can t expect a man to booze from morning

  until night and feel quite nimble

  in his shoes and add his figures right oh boss

  you ask too much of us we have no flair for toil

  we d rather daily dally thus-imbibing joyful oil

  you can t expect a man to souse

  and do work for your business house so do not be unjust

 

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