The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  me with his elbow and

  knocked me overboard as i

  fell i screamed loudly poet overboard

  but either the voice of one small

  cockroach was not heard in the

  december breeze or else

  everybody was glad of it for all

  i heard was a burst of

  mocking laughter from the deck down down

  down i went underneath the ship

  itself i clung desperately for a few

  minutes to the rapidly revolving screw

  but was forced to let loose as it

  did not seem to be intending to

  come up for air when i was finally cast to

  the surface and i admit i

  was feeling sad i looked at

  the sun and rapidly computed my

  latitude and longitude but

  there did not seem to be enough of

  either to float on indefinitely

  pretty soon i said with a sigh i shall be

  wet through clean down to

  the freckles on my soul and

  then i shall sink a sodden albeit a

  somewhat small mass and the vast and

  charnel sea i said for i

  was determined to be

  literary to the last will

  smack its briny lips above my

  corse4 but just as all hope seemed

  gone and i was about to open

  my lips5 for the last drink i came

  into contact with something round and

  hard

  floating on the waters immediately

  before i had felt as lonely as the

  first chapter of genesis now i

  was cheered looking at the thing

  on which i was floating i discovered it

  to be

  a new kind of mine with a gun cotton

  fuse which can be lighted even under

  water and at that moment

  a sword fish swam up

  and began to clash his beak

  against the iron

  container of the high explosive

  until he struck a spark of fire

  which fell upon the fuse which began to

  burn slowly but steadily i

  realized at once what the

  plan was for at that instant i

  saw the ship with the president6 aboard

  rise over the horizon and

  bear directly down upon me it was

  a trained swordfish educated by

  some treacherous and

  unreconstructed german for this

  very act all the ordinary

  mines had been swept out of the

  path of the ship by the

  official mine sweepers7 but with

  hellish ingenuity this new sort of

  mine had been placed in the path of the

  george washington and ignited by the

  trained swordfish i

  at once attacked the

  burning fuse with my teeth but

  eat as fast as i could i am after

  all only one small cockroach and

  in my excitement i was swallowing

  all i ate i was soon

  full of gun cotton and the fuse

  had not been eaten half in two i

  gave myself and the president and

  mr creel up for

  lost the fate of the world hung upon

  one little insect and he was overloaded

  already but i think quickly in

  emergencies it suddenly

  occurred to me that after all i

  need not swallow all i bit off and

  this brilliant idea saved the president the

  world and democracy i attacked the

  fuse again but this time i spit out

  what i bit off and just as the

  george washington struck the mine the

  fuse which was still burning

  and about to explode

  fell into the water i

  swarmed aboard the george washington

  crawled into the wireless

  man’s cabin and wrote what i

  had done on his typewriter mr

  creel was there this

  story must not go out he said or

  if it is sent back to

  america dr grayson8 must have the

  credit for the

  action no said dr grayson i

  will take no credit for any deed i

  have not performed the credit is

  nothing to me mr creel i wrote

  on the typewriter all i

  care for is the fact that i have

  saved democracy mr creel was still

  debating the matter but when the

  wireless man went to dinner his

  assistant began sending this despatch for

  says he there is

  glory enough for us all

  DECEMBER 10

  Freedom of the Seas

  u s s george washington

  december tenth passing the

  azores there was a

  conference on board the

  ship yesterday about the

  freedom of the seas1 but

  i cant say that

  i think very much was

  accomplished at

  least no one took

  me into his confidence

  later the subject

  was taken up in

  an informal way down

  in the stoke hold bill

  says one coal passer

  to another whats all

  this about the

  freedom of the seas aint

  the seas free

  they are and then

  again they aint says

  bill explain yourself says

  his friend when are

  they and when not

  now yous asking something

  says bill

  man and boy says his

  friend i have followed

  the sea for

  15 years and never yet

  seen any signs

  they wasnt free except

  where the germans done it

  have you ever saw

  any such signs yourself

  bill well says

  bill i have and then

  again i havent

  i dont get you says his

  friend well says bill

  some do and some

  dont

  DECEMBER 11

  Two Old Men

  Archy gets around a good deal, in one way or another. Just before he left for France he gave us a poem, and he claims that he actually was in the wine vault and heard and saw the things narrated therein. We publish the poem—one of Archy’s rare attempts at rhyme—without, however, guaranteeing its authenticity:

  down in a wine vault underneath the city

  two old men were sitting they were drinking booze

  torn were their garments hair and beards were gritty

  one had an overcoat but hardly any shoes

  overhead the street cars through the streets were running

  filled with happy people going home to christmas

  in the adirondacks the hunters all were gunning

  big ships were sailing down by the isthmus

  in came a little tot for to kiss her granny

  such a little totty she could scarcely tottle

  saying kiss me grandpa kiss your little nanny

  but the old man beaned her with a whiskey bottle

  outside the snowflakes began for to flutter

  far at sea the ships were sailing with the seamen

  not another word did angel nanny utter

  her grandsire chuckled and pledged the whiskey demon

  up spake the second man he was worn and weary

  tears washed his face which otherwise was pasty

  she loved her parents who commuted on the erie

  brother im afraid you struck a trifle hasty
/>
  she came to see you all her pretty duds on

  bringing christmas posies from her mother’s garden

  riding in the tunnel underneath the hudson

  brother was it rum caused your heart to harden

  up spake the first man here i sits a thinking

  how the countrys drifting to a sad condition

  here i sits a dreaming here i sits a drinking

  here i sits a dreading dreading prohibition

  when in comes nanny my little daughters daughter

  me she has been begging ever since october

  for to sign the pledge its ended now in slaughter

  i never had the courage when she caught me sober

  all around the world little tots are begging

  grandpas and daddies for to quit their drinking

  reformers eggs em on i am tired of egging

  tired of being cowed cowering and slinking

  i struck for freedom im a man of mettle

  though i never would a done it had i not been drinking

  from athabasca south to popocatapetl

  we must strike for freedom quit our shrinking

  said the second old man i beg your pardon

  brother please forgive me my words were hasty

  i get your viewpoint our hearts must harden

  try this ale it is bitter brown and tasty

  said the first old man hear me sobbing

  poor little nanny shes gone to himmel

  principle must conquer though hearts be throbbing

  just curl your lip around this kimmel

  down in a wine vault underneath the city

  they sat drinking while the snow was falling

  wicked old men with scarcely any pity

  the moral of my tale is quite appalling

  DECEMBER 13

  Passing the Bock

  brest france dec 131

  by soulless telegraph to

  the sun dial well

  boss i just arrived and

  i have a grand idea instead

  of sticking to

  hermione and fothy and the

  peace conference i am

  off for holland i am going

  to interview

  wilhelm hohenzollern i

  shall also interview gott2

  if wilhelm took

  gott with him to the

  am i wrong in castle3 where

  he is stopping

  they may be there together

  quarrelling about who

  started it passing the

  bock4 used to be the

  favorite german indoor

  sport but passing the

  buck has superseded it

  DECEMBER 14

  The Former Kaiser

  am i wrong in castle

  holland december fourteenth

  well i arrived here

  by aeroplane after a bad

  night and have just seen the

  former kaiser i

  got into the castle this

  morning with the blutwurst1

  for the kaisers breakfast

  well bill i said

  what i want to know is

  this did you start the war

  or did you not and if

  so why would you do it

  over again and are

  you sorry for it

  what war are you

  talking about says bill

  has there been a war

  do not try to stall me

  says i try some of this

  most excellent blutwurst says

  bill so you say

  there has been a

  war do you

  i deny it i deny

  everything

  there is a movement on

  foot i understand

  to make me responsible

  for some alleged trouble or

  other that is

  supposed to have occurred

  somewhere but i do not

  intend to allow myself to

  be trapped i know i have

  enemies but the truth will

  triumph helped by

  our good german gott and my

  shining sword i deny

  everything i repeat

  i looked at the man boss

  and i said to

  myself he is a dangerous

  character still he is playing a

  deep deep game i was

  prepared to hear him deny the

  responsibility for starting the

  war but it is a deeper game than

  that he is playing he is

  trying to get it

  across that from first to

  last the war was kept a

  secret from him come and see

  me again soon he said as i

  took my leave and let us talk some

  more about this

  strange notion of yours that

  there has been a

  war you interest me

  deeply i have another

  appointment with him

  for tomorrow

  DECEMBER 16

  Abdication Underneath the Bough

  am i wrong in castle

  holland december the sixteenth

  yesterday was sunday and

  i did not see the

  former kaiser but i

  wrote out some verses for

  him which go

  this way

  an abdication underneath the bough1

  a lake of beer an apple cake and thou

  beside me singing lieber augustine2

  and exile bill were happiness enow

  the erstwhile kaiser wrote and having writ

  he went and tore up every word of it

  hes trying now to pick up paper scraps

  and eat them every little inky bit

  i sent my soul through the invisible

  some secret of the entente plans to spell

  anon my soul returned to me and said

  where do you go from here question mark

  you go to hell full stop

  DECEMBER 19

  Who Pays for All This

  am i wrong in castle

  holland december nineteenth

  the erswhile kaiser has a

  typewriting machine that

  speaks english and

  crawling into the presence this

  morning i clicked off this

  question bill when are you

  going to leave holland

  bill seized the machine and wrote

  i am not going to leave holland

  i wrote bill you

  said you were not going to

  leave your throne either

  bill wrote i did not leave my

  throne it was taken away

  during my absence

  i wrote holland may be pulled

  out from under you in the same way

  bill wrote it is a

  long time until lunch it seems to

  me what are those cooks doing i

  have had scarcely anything

  to eat since breakfast

  i wrote bill are you the

  star boarder here or who pays for

  all this bill wrote

  such things are beneath my

  consideration but i understand that the cheque will

  be put into one bundle and

  they will shake dice to see who

  pays them at the peace

  conference i wrote bill you

  are hitting the pipe these days or

  some thing bill wrote the interview is

  closed i must get to work

  on my autobiography the second

  chapter will deal with a

  secret invasion of germany by

  belgium which i

  forgave and hushed up simply because

  i did not wish to go to war and

  the third chapter tells again

  how much i always loved
r />   america and everything

  american why archy i even eat

  with american made teeth and last

  christmas i used those

  teeth on american food that

  found its way to me somehow through

  your wonderful

  organization for feeding american

  prisoners

  DECEMBER 23

  The Former Czar

  by wireless to the

  sun dial on the

  road to paris well

  boss i have left the

  former kaiser flat he is

  a dull sort of person who

  thinks only of his food and

  more than that i have made an

  important discovery i am

  on the way to paris in

  the company of a

  russian who conceals a

  mild face beneath an

  angry beard and who is no less

  a person than stop a

  moment now and get a long

  breath for i do not

  want to shock you

  have you set yourself so that

  you can bear the impact of my

  news very well then i

  will continue no

  less a person than

  nicholas romanoff the

  former czar nicholas second of

  russia1 i am

  travelling incognito in

  one of his pockets and he

  is on the way to

  paris to represent his

  former empire at

  the peace conference he

  also is travelling incognito but

  that is not his fault he

  tells every one he sees that

  he is czar nicholas and that

  he is not dead

  look at me he says

  are there any bullet

  holes in me

  there are not the

  story of my death at the

  hands of the boksheviki is merely

  a press agent yarn

  but said an

  english soldier whom

  we met in the

  outskirts of belgium

  yesterday the fact that there

  are no bullet holes in

  you proves nothing

  there are plenty of other

  people with no bullet

  holes in them

  not russians said the czar

  that shows how little you

  know of the russian situation

  we stopped today for

  lunch at an american y m c a hut

  and the czar was