Shattered Soul

by Jennifer Snyder

  Ali’s hand gripped my wrist and I could breathe again. Introductions were over and by some stroke of good luck, I was still allowed to date their daughter.

  “Come on,” Ali demanded in a soft tone, tugging slightly on my arm.

  I followed her gladly back around the corner and towards the staircase. Ali bounded up the steps with a giddy smile on her face directed at me. I smiled back, my heart slowly returning to its normal rhythm again.

  Once we reached the top of the steps we were greeted by fluffy golden fur and a wagging tail.

  “This is D-O-G,” she said, patting the dog’s head.

  He came to me and sniffed a few times before planting himself in front of me, waiting for me to pet him. I scratched behind his ears and was thanked with a wagging tail and a wet tongue slapping across my forearm.

  “Hey, boy,” I smirked, remembering his name and what it meant. I had been judged twice today and both times prevailed.

  “He likes you,” Ali said stepping around him. I followed her, knowing exactly where she was taking me, her room.

  Ali's room was bright and cheery, colorful and vibrant. It seemed alive somehow, like it was pulsating with her energy. I walked across the old hardwood floors and sat at the edge of her bed.

  “Well, this is my room,” she said in a strangled sort of tone from the doorway.

  “Nice,” I said, shifting my eyes to her. Her cheeks were flushed slightly, I couldn’t decide from either embarrassment or the sight of me sitting on her bed.

  Did girls even have thoughts like that? I hoped so, because instantly my mind became crowded with thoughts of me…and her…and the bed.

  I saw her chest rise and fall as she took in a deep breath. She licked her lips and crossed the room. Her arm brushed against mine as she moved to sit beside me and my heart rate spiked, returning again to the fast paced pounding from moments ago. I smoothed my palms against my shorts, erasing the clammy sensation which had begun to build across them. I shot her a crooked grin, she smiled shyly in return.

  I leaned in, feeling drawn by my own building desire for her soft lips pressed against mine.

  “Remember…door open, Ali!” her mom’s voice filled the room the second our lips made the briefest of contact.

  We pulled apart, creating a four foot gap between us instantly.

  “I know, mom!” Ali shouted, her cheeks burning through ten shades of pink in two seconds flat.

  I chuckled. In my experience, parents were always so naive when it came to the door open rule. Didn’t they realize you could still do all those things they were so afraid you’d be doing even with the door open, that all you’d have to do was be quieter and more cautious?

  But, I wasn’t about to press my luck with Ali’s parents because Ali was different. Ali was good. And if that was how I wanted her parents to see me, then that was how I had to be. Good.

  Hours ticked away. We settled for a few PG rated make-out sessions and Ali introduced me to her, the real her. The type of music she listened to, the books she liked to read, her favorite movies and the one’s she hated, and we talked. We talked until her dad came to the door telling us dinner was ready.

  I sat across a solid wooden table from Ali, noting how different eating dinner at their house was than at mine.

  When dinner was over, we went back to Ali’s room, listened to music and talked some more until Ali’s mom rapped on the door.

  “It's getting pretty late, Seth. What time do you have to be home by?” she asked.

  My eyes flickered to the green glowing numbers of the alarm clock resting on her nightstand. 10:23 p.m. “10:30,” I lied. “I’d better get going.”

  “I’ll walk you out,” Ali offered.

  “I thought you didn’t have a curfew,” Ali teased once we were standing outside her front door.

  “I don’t.” I placed my hands on her hips and leaned in to steal my last kiss for the night.

  I walked home that night with an ear to ear grin plastered on my face, amazed because I’d never known myself to feel so incredibly happy without it being the effects of some drug coursing through my system, stimulating those parts of my mind. Being around Ali had become intoxicating. She had become my new drug of choice, the one that I preferred above all others. And I hadn’t even noticed it until now.

  Chapter Twelve

  Walking into my house at 10:46 p.m. was no different from walking in at 10:46 a.m. In my house, no one was winding down for the evening…just as no one would be in the middle of their day if it were late morning either.

  The full reality of how different my life was from Ali’s hit me hard the second I opened my front door. It was like being tossed into a reoccurring nightmare, one there is no escape from. My happiness deflated and a burning numbness replaced it once I crossed over the threshold.

  Calvin sat in the center of the couch, slouched over the coffee table, plucking white crystals from inside a tiny zip-lock baggie. Brent sat in the recliner and Jade nestled at the other end of the couch, waiting for her next fix with eager anticipation dancing on her face.

  I closed the door behind me and realized one thing different about the reoccurring nightmarish scene in front of me, another person had been added.

  A petite brunette I recognized immediately from a few years ago had joined the party. She’d been a senior when I was a freshman. I couldn’t remember her name, but I knew this type of thing hadn’t been her scene—at least, not back then. As for now, I guessed she was into heavier things, looking to enter into the darker side of the drug world.

  The brunette sat on the other side of my brother, looking slightly uncomfortable. From where she sat, it was too soon to tell if she was Brent’s girl or Jade’s soon-to-be replacement.

  “Well, look who it is,” Calvin smirked, crunching his lighter across a piece of paper, turning the crystals beneath it into a powder.

  My eyes dropped towards his hand and refused to rise again, remaining fixated on his motions.

  “Want one?” Calvin asked. I could hear his amusement echoing through his words at my visible weakness.

  I swallowed hard while I watched him pick up a razor blade and carefully scrape it across the back of the paper, making a pile of thick, chunky, white powder on the tabletop.

  “Come on…” Calvin offered again.

  I wanted one. I wanted to feel happy again like I had only moments before. I wanted to feel something besides this numbness that had settled inside me once I’d touched that door knob and walked in.

  “Come on, Seth, it’s been forever since you’ve done some with us,” Jade persuaded.

  I watched my brother’s hands continue to work their magic. He chopped out the perfect line, long and thick. Calvin reached for a cut straw and held it out to me.

  “I’m feeling generous tonight, first one is yours. Here,” he smiled. Not his normal shit-eating arrogant smile, but a normal polite smile. I realized with a certainty it was all for show.

  Everything was for the brunette. To make her think Calvin was nice, and to make her first time a good experience, that’s how you hook someone with a willing soul. Someone who’s looking for a good time, something a little stronger than what they are used to doing. You create an atmosphere of happiness and fun, mix it with the new drug their trying, and it creates an incredible experience for them. Utopia.

  A feeling they will try to reach again and again, but never will be able to.

  “What? You’d rather do a hot rail?” Calvin asked, reaching for a small glass tube and lighter.

  My heart pounded out his answer in my chest loudly, yes! I watched the flame flicker as he heated the glass to the perfect temperature. My heart beat faster and harder inside my chest, my nails dug into my palms, and the remembered sweet taste of burning meth coated the inside of my mouth.

  “Just one…” Brent chimed in.

  I wanted it so badly my mouth watered, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I hadn’t done any since the last time I’d gotten beaten
up and I didn’t want to ruin the weeks’ long stretch I’d gone without it now. I had to be strong. I tried to remember how happy I’d felt moments ago without anything in my system at all. I tried to remember Ali, my intoxicating new drug.

  But, even as I thought these things…my feet were moving forward. I was kneeling beside the edge of the coffee table with one end of the tube shoved up my nose before I knew it.

  I snorted and felt the burn and sting rush through my nose and the side of my face. My eyes began to water. I pinched my nose and silently congratulated myself on burning another hole in my brain.

  I exhaled a cloud of smoke and felt my moment of weakness tingle its way through my brain. I felt it slowly begin trickling into my veins, making its way throughout my entire body. My heart rate spiked as a sudden energy rush overtook me and a heady high gripped me, numbing my mind in a good way.

  I dug in my pocket for my lighter, put the tube to my lips and let the orange flickering flame kiss the glass once more while I slowly inhaled, filling my lungs with as much as I could handle. This time when I exhaled, I felt the tingling rush in my chest and happiness buzzed through me.

  “Wow…it’s crazy how much smoke comes out,” the brunette said with wide, amazed eyes.

  “Ready for yours?” Calvin asked her, a sly smile twisting the corners of his lips.

  I set the tube down, hating the fact I’d even touched it. Even though I felt good, there was still that little part in the back of my mind cursing myself for being so damn weak.

  “Yeah…sure,” the brunette said, slipping off the couch and onto her knees across the table from me. “What exactly do I do?” she asked me with a nervous smile.

  I couldn’t answer. I knew she was speaking to me and her answer rested on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth and speak. I didn’t want to be the one to guide her through. It was bad enough I’d already showed her how easy it was to use it. That alone was enough to rest on my soul for now.

  “Just put this end in your nose, be careful not to touch this side, though, and skim over the top as you snort while plugging your other nostril.” Brent answered, picking up the tube I’d laid down.

  The brunette bit her bottom lip while she listened to him, staring intently at the line in front of her. She looked nervous as hell.

  “Okay…” she muttered, taking the heated tube from Brent’s fingers, careful not to touch the hot end.

  I watched her put it to her nose, and then hesitate a moment before shakily skimming over the line, snorting hard as she went.

  “Now, blow out,” Calvin gently ordered once she was done. As she did her eyes grew wide and a grin stretched across her face.

  “Whoa…” was all she said, and everyone laughed.

  Everyone except me; all I could muster up was a slight chuckle.

  We all knew exactly what she was feeling. The incredible rush of adrenaline, the weightless sensation that takes over your body making you feel like you can fly, and the intoxicating happiness. We laughed, because we could all remember what it felt like our first time.

  I glanced around, looking at everyone’s faces. They were all waiting for their own small taste of what she was feeling.

  This was why I had merely chuckled, because she might be feeling amazingly good right now…but no matter how hard she tried, she’d never feel it that good again. And I was sure no one had told her what it felt like to come down.

  I guess in a way, I pitied her.

  Over the next few hours, we finished nearly a gram and I learned the brunette’s name was Kerri, that she was about to turn twenty in five months, she’d broken up with her boyfriend of a year and a half yesterday when she’d found him cheating on her with her best friend since the second grade, and that she’d met Brent at the gas station four hours later when she couldn’t, for some reason, figure out how to get her locking gas cap off. They’d talked and he’d offered to smoke with her…and now here she was, sitting in my living room, chewing on a wad of gum, high as a freaking kite, unable to stop talking for even a second.

  Around ten the next morning, when we were all in full-fledged tweak-mode, we heard my mom waking up. Everyone went into hyper-drive, rushing to hide paraphernalia underneath couch pillows and any place out of sight. It was comical really, how fast we all scrambled.

  I sat back down in front of the coffee table where I’d been drawing on the same piece of paper for hours with a blue pen. By now, the piece of paper was a mass of wicked looking mushrooms, tall twisting grass, and a starry night sky. I’d gone over places so many times and pressed so hard, the edges of the paper had curled and everything was raised, giving the picture a 3-D effect.

  I was staring at it, mesmerized and searching for tiny imperfections, when Mom stumbled down the hall. She came to the side of the couch and stopped. Her eyes shifted across each of our faces. I didn’t raise mine to meet hers, I couldn’t, and I was sure from the way she stomped off into the kitchen, no one else had either.

  The sounds which followed, echoing through the house were normal. A cabinet door slamming shut, the freezer door being jerked open, the loud clank of ice falling into an empty glass, and the bangs of doors being shut with more force than necessary.

  I didn’t understand why my mother even bothered dirtying a cup when after she downed her first glass, she drank the rest straight from the bottle anyway.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw her step out of the kitchen and pause long enough to light a cigarette while she glared at us all again. She grumbled something I couldn’t make out under her breath and began stumbling back down the hall, her liquid breakfast in hand.

  “That was a buzz kill,” Calvin smirked. Everyone laughed, even me. “How about a quick bump before she comes back out?”

  I sat my pen down and cracked my knuckles, eager for another one. Calvin pulled out the baggie he’d shoved in his shoe, while the rest of us reached for the necessities we’d stashed away in our panicked moment.

  The round of lines were short, but still thick, and Calvin went first. Mine was last, Calvin’s niceness must have been wearing off. But, I couldn’t have cared less, as long as I got one. Afterward, I sifted through the ashtray in search of another butt to smoke.

  “God, Seth. That’s just plain nasty!” Jade scolded.

  I grinned. “It’s not nasty.”

  “Yes, it is. They taste stale and shitty. Here, have the rest of my pack.” She tossed me her Marlboro Light box and dug in her purse for a new pack.

  I immediately noticed a tiny zip-lock baggie, with three cloudy white crystals, tucked neatly into the front cellophane. I opened the box, pulled out a cigarette and shoved the pack into my pocket without hesitating.

  “Thanks.” I grabbed the lighter off the coffee table. If she didn’t remember her personal stash was in the box, then she didn’t need it and I wasn’t about to remind her.

  Three hours, two bumps, and one more sheet of paper later, Calvin decided he couldn’t stand sitting in the house another second longer. We scurried to clean up the living room before we left.

  I was the last one out of the house. I closed the door behind me and looked up just in time to see Ali pulling into the driveway. My heart lurched in my chest, feeling like it was stuck in my throat.

  “And who’s this?” Calvin asked.

  I gathered instantly from his tone that he liked what he saw and my feet raced forward, as though me making it to her car before Calvin would stop the introductions somehow.

  “Ali. This is Ali, my girlfriend,” I blurted out in a strange voice that didn’t sound like my own.

  “Girlfriend, huh?” Calvin repeated, one brow raised.

  Up to this point I’d never actually used the word girlfriend around Ali before. I’d never even asked her if that’s what she wanted to be…I just sort of assumed.

  Hoping Ali didn’t mind the new label I’d placed on her, I shifted my bulging eyes to gage her expression. Her lips had twisted into a smirk, reas
suring me completely.

  “Hi,” she said, cutting off the engine and stepping out.

  A moment of silence passed while I stood staring at her like an idiot. My heart pounded in my throat, I couldn’t believe she was here. Now. When I was so messed up.

  “Well, aren’t you going to introduce me, little brother?” Calvin asked in a tone I classified as conceited, without moving his eyes from Ali's face.

  I didn’t like the way Calvin stared at her, like she was fresh meat or something. I knew Calvin, and I didn’t have to be in his head to know all the dirty things he was thinking while he looked at her.

  “Ali, this is Calvin, my brother.” His name tasted bitter in my mouth.

  “Nice to meet you,” he said flashing a charming smile that pissed me off even more.

  “It’s nice to meet you, too,” Ali replied, returning his smile.

  Anger burned through me. I wanted to get her away from him, I wanted to protect her from him. He was fooling her by putting on a show like he had done for Kerri. I could see right through it, and I only hoped Ali could, too. I glanced at her, but couldn’t be sure of what she thought of him.

  Calvin didn’t look like scum, at least not to someone who didn’t know him as well as I did. And he definitely didn’t look like a full-fledged tweaker, yet. He was about four inches taller than me with toned arms and a firm chest, he was only lazy when it came to working at a real job and not at all when it came to exercising or dealing. Only someone who knew him well enough would be able to tell he’d lost a few pounds in the last few months. He didn’t have scabs and sores all over from picking at his skin like some tweakers do, and his teeth were all still good.

  “We were just leaving, not sure where we’re going yet…but you’re welcome to come along,” Calvin offered, his lip twisting up at the corner into a crooked grin.

  “No!” I said louder than I’d intended. “No, I think we’re just going to hang out here.”