Shattered Soul

by Jennifer Snyder

  I stood at the door, frozen, my eyes taking in the scene in front of me. Ali, motionless on the couch. Calvin knelt beside her, the crumpled sandwich bag of pills clutched in his hands. Brent and Kerri huddled in the recliner looking stricken, and Jade on a cell phone talking frantically.

  “I didn’t know she’d take so many,” Calvin sobbed. “I swear, I didn’t know!”

  The room spun and shifted while my lungs fought for their next breath of air. My eyes zeroed in on the pills in Calvin's grasp.

  “Oxtcontin overdose, yes. She just grabbed a handful and shoved them in her mouth! I don’t know what to do! She’s blue!” Jade pleaded into the phone.

  I only heard two words: Oxycontin and overdose. Jade’s frantic voice echoed them through my mind.

  I became lost inside a cloud of black rage which rose up in that moment and consumed me. I was across the room in a flash, my fist connecting with Calvin’s face again and again.

  I felt like I was locked inside one of those nightmares were you can’t seem to swing hard enough to connect with anything, like your arms are made of rubber. Only, I was connecting. I could see Calvin’s nose gushing. I could see the side of his face becoming red and swollen with each hit. But, I couldn’t feel it. I was completely numb.

  From the corner of my eye, I noticed Jade move to Ali’s side. She gripped her wrist, checking for a pulse. I stopped. My fists dropped to my sides and the black cloud of rage rolled from my mind like a thick fog. Calvin slumped to the floor at my feet, a defeated, bloody mess.

  I walked towards the couch in a daze. Carefully, I lifted Ali’s head and slid underneath. I pulled her limp body into my lap and cradled her in my arms, gently rocking back and forth.

  I’d told her once that it was never too late for her to quit and I’d believed that. Now, holding her lifeless body in my arms, I knew that to be a lie. Too late did exist. Right now. This moment.

  Chaos exploded around me and I pressed Ali's limp body tighter against mine, unwilling to let her go even as the paramedics rushed in and attempted to rip her from my arms. I released her only after hearing them shout, “We’re here to help her!”

  I let them take her then, and place her on the floor in front of me. I stumbled to my feet, watching them move in a foggy slow motion as they began their frantic attempt to revive her. I held my breath, my heart pounded the seconds away…and nothing happened.

  Ali was gone.

  My eyes skimmed over her face. I blinked a few times, realizing with a certainty there was nothing there; her essence, her soul, was gone.

  Only a shell remained; a beautiful body which no longer held her beautiful soul.

  I sunk to my knees, overwhelmed by a grief so strong I hadn’t known it to even be possible. An ache for her to still be alive and breathing began in my chest and cracked its way through me. I felt as if a gaping hole had been gouged right out of my heart.

  The reality of the situation began to sink in piece by piece and it shattered my soul completely.

  My mind began racing as I struggled to take in a single breath, circling around one thought and one thought only, the guns lying in the glove compartment of the car. Sirens in the distance filled my ears as a voice in my head began shouting, “React…react …It’s now or never…”

  My fingers squeezed the cool metal of the gun before I realized I’d left the living room at all. It felt heavy in my hand as I pressed its coldness against my thigh while sauntering back into the living room.

  My heart pounded, my body trembled as my eyes fell to where Calvin slumped on the floor. How was I supposed to let this piece of shit live when he had stolen everything good from me? How was I supposed to live with the hole flaming inside my chest where my heart used to be?

  Blue lights swirled around the living room, my time was running out.

  I watched a paramedic begin helping Calvin sit up to better assess his wounds. Red rage swarmed my mind. Calvin didn’t deserve anyone’s help! If anything, the pain I’d just inflicted on him wasn’t even close to what he deserved. My right arm twitched, remembering the gun within my hand.

  Although I had never actually fired a gun before, my index finger still managed to find the trigger with ease. I released the breath I’d been holding and raised my right hand, steady and strong.

  Calvin didn’t deserve to live. I had never been more sure of anything in my life.

  As though he felt my eyes boring into him, Calvin glanced my way and our eyes locked.

  “Put it down, kid,” A male voice insisted from behind me.

  I didn’t flinch. I was enjoying the amount of sheer terror in Calvin’s eyes too much.

  “I said put it down, son,” The calm voice called to me again.

  I glanced over my shoulder, keeping the gun aimed at Calvin. Not one, but two police officers stood in the doorway behind me. One young and one old, both with their guns aimed at me. It was the older man attempting to talk me down, the young one looked too focused on not passing out to speak. Rookie.

  “It’s not worth it, kid,” the older man said. “Trust me.”

  Sadness broke through the rage clouding my mind. Ali was worth it. I shifted my gaze back to Calvin.

  “Yes. It is.” I pulled the trigger as the words flowed from my mouth and hit Calvin in the shoulder.

  A sharp pain pierced me in the chest. I dropped to my knees seconds after watching Calvin crumble forward. Pain laced through my body and panic gripped me. I glanced at my chest and found blood soaking though my gray t-shirt rapidly.

  I’d been shot.

  My vision swirled and I clasped my chest as though it would press all the blood I’d lost back inside of me somehow. Weak, I collapsed to my side. My eyes focused on an old cigarette burn in the carpet and I thought of how many times I’d lain in this same spot, bleeding.

  Screams and shouts rang in my ears. I didn’t know if they were my own or someone else’s entirely. My mother’s face came into view just before darkness crept into the edges of my vision and an eerie calmness settled within me. Every noise became distorted and indistinguishable as I suddenly realized, this was it.

  I was dying.

  A veil of darkness swept over me, leaving me uncertain on whether or not I had closed my eyes or if the darkness of death had finally swallowed me whole. Ali’s face floated to the surface of my consciousness and I struggled to grab hold, but it was beyond my grasp. Instead, I floated through old memories of her and I, locked in the recesses of my mind…until I came to my first memory of her.

  April nineteenth, Mrs. Gilbert's Algebra II class…she’d smiled and I’d returned it, but a second too late.

  I pushed through, holding onto that image, just as I felt my heart flutter its final time and then stop.

  Life’s a bitch, and then you die…

  About The Author

  Jennifer Snyder writes Young Adult Edgy Contemporary novels as well as Young Adult Paranormal Romance novels. She resides in the beautiful mountains of Western North Carolina with her husband and two children. Jennifer finds great joy in blank notebooks and a smooth writing pen.

  Feel free to visit her blog at http://jennifersnydersblog.blogspot.com