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by Kirsty-Anne Still

  CHAPTER NINE

  “You don’t have to follow me around,” I mutter as I walk through the shopping mall, irritation rattling me strongly.

  “Kinda do,” Zane responds, and it’s annoying how much mirth I can hear in his voice. “It was either me or one of your father’s men, and I know how much you love clingy people.”

  “So you’ve become one?” I stop and ask while looking at him. “If this is the new you you’ve introduced me to, no thanks.”

  Zane chuckles. “Look, Amelia, I’m going to take every opportunity I can get with you because even though I want your father to see how serious I am about my decision, I want you to see how deadly serious I am over you being a key factor. If coming shopping and holding your bags is that, I’ll do it.”

  “So, what is this?” I ask, putting my hands on my hips. “Is this you trying to give me an idea of how us dating would be like?”

  I see a coy smile brace itself upon Zane’s handsome face and I notice the blush creep onto his cheeks. My heart flutters and I see a glimpse of how much thought Zane has put into winning me over.

  “It is, isn’t it?” I ask, trying hard not to allow my amusement to erupt with a fit of giggles. The man before is an enigma to me. He had the job, the life ready and waiting for him to live out, but with one whisper of his heart, he stepped over to the dark side. Even with the amount of push and pull between us – and the animosity we’ve presented to one another – he still stands here unrelenting and more confident in his decision than ever.

  “Look,” he begins and puts his arm out so we can start walking again. “There are many things I am, Amelia, and sadly, a fucking heartless romantic is one of them.” There’s a moment of silence that lapses between us, save for the sound of other shoppers. “But only for you.” We get no further with our conversation as Zane stops and looks into a storefront. He grouses for a moment, observing before looking at me with satisfaction. “I really want a new suit. I have like three, and at this rate, they’ll be ruined,” he jokes, shooting me a look as if the tatters his suits will become will be my fault.

  “Make sure it’s a decent one,” I quip sarcastically. “If you don’t have enough for it, you can use my card. My father might as well pay for something.”

  “His pay is generous, Amelia,” Zane replies, matter-of-factly with a sense of sarcasm. “I don’t think I’ll need you for this.”

  “Okay,” I laugh and then look over my shoulder, spotting an empty bench. “I’m going to go sit over there and wait. Is that okay?” I say, pointing to it. “I’ll take the bags with me and you can browse. If you need me, just call me in.”

  “Okay, I won’t be long, but if I need a woman’s opinion, I’ll call you,” he adds as he hands me the bags and disappears into the store.

  I go and sit down on the bench, setting the bags down around me and pull my cell out to look occupied. My eyes flit between the other shoppers, trying my hardest to indulge in their normality. Between the elderly couples, the lovers, and the ‘BFFs’, my heart rate slows to a shallow pulse that I struggle to acknowledge. I lower my phone to my lap as I consume the sights before me.

  There’s an entire other world out there that I’ll never be able to experience because of the life I was born into. I never got to go to high school, never went to prom, never managed to have a high school sweetheart. I never experienced bullies, or being popular, or being a geek. I was never able to find my niche or discover what I wanted to do with my life. I was never allowed to experience sleepovers and shopping dates with friends. I never experienced my father scaring boys off, or my brothers being the guys all the girls talked about when they walked down the corridors of the school.

  I only knew shelter. I experienced an education within the walls of my home; the friends I made were my family’s business associates and their children. But even the latter was limited. I never got to go on play dates or make blossoming friendships. I never had sleepovers or makeovers, or gossiped with girlfriends.

  The only reason I managed to meet Zane was because I ran free one night with one of my father’s friend’s son. Dante was always one of my closest friends, but only because of our families. Without that, I wouldn’t even have him. He was there to support me, but he’s no longer around. He’s gone, but I have Zane, so I haven’t lucked out entirely. Had I never taken the chance, I would never have wound up in Dynasty and I would never have had my chance at another life.

  When Zane drops beside me, blue eyes trained on me. I offer a smile and turn to him and just ambush him.

  “I planned to come back so harsh that I wouldn’t get hurt by sights like that and people like you.” I sigh disappointed in myself as I point out people. “Want to know a little secret?” I ask, wondering if I should bare this part of myself to him. When he nods, I know I can’t back away, and if I do, I’ll spend the rest of my day kicking myself for being so pathetic. Inhaling some strength, I put my sole attention upon Zane, offer a small smile, and speak. “I come here most of the time to see what I’m missing out on.”

  I see his eyes flicker. They radiate with glorious amounts of confusion, and I feel my cheeks begin to burn. The sensation only magnifies when I look away and my gaze lands on a group of girls who are roughly my age – all smiles, all so carefree. When I look back at Zane, I see the realization has hit him and as he tears his watchful stare away from the same group of girls I had being gawking at, he puts his hand out to cover mine.

  “I watch girls like those and see how much fun they have and how close they are and just imagine what it would be like to have some real friends.” I roll my eyes, pushing down my feelings. I look at him, smiling through my emotional pain. “Pathetic, right?”

  I struggle to force laughter to cover up, but in the end, desolation reigns and I shake my head in dismay. How could I be so fucking stupid to let that out?

  “Amelia,” he begins, but I can’t allow him to turn into some psychic who knows what I’m thinking.

  “I just want to feel normal, Zane. That’s why I do it. I sit here and watch people live out these perfect lives and wonder what I did so wrong in a past life to be granted with what I have.” My lips pull into a smile, but I know it’s unconvincing. “I just want a slice of normalcy to know what it felt like to live.” I take a few deep breaths and worry what my next comment will do to Zane, but I know there’s no point in hiding the truth from a man who’s only been honest with me. Deception tore us apart once; I won’t allow it this time. “A bit like we used to live. When the doors were shut, the world forgotten, and I just got to live my life with you.”

  “I’m sure that’s not all you want,” he comments, looking down as he weaves his fingers with mine; the touch, delicate and although minimal, is intimate. “Go on,” he prompts, clearly seeing my expression says more than I wanted it to. “Tell me,” he urges me.

  “I don’t want much in this life, I really don’t,” I whisper, hoping not to sound pathetic with this comment. “I want that all-consuming love.” I deliberately pause and look at him, knowing he is that. “I want to make a life with the man I love and have so many children that all we know is undying love, and I want to have that picket fence and that stupid swing on the porch like Bruno does.” I watch as Zane’s smile illuminates the more I talk. “I want friends and I want to walk outside and not worry about my next job and I-” I hiccup, looking down at our hands as they sit holding one another. “I want my happily ever after.”

  “You can have just that,” Zane replies, moving closer to me. “You said before that you wanted to run, wanted to get away. We can do just that.”

  “It’s not that easy,” I tell him, shaking my head to rid myself of the thought. “Plus, I just know that dreamers don’t survive long in this life. It’s not built for them. It’s all orchestrated for people like Gio. They’re the ones who will survive long after the rest of us.”

  “I think you’re doing a perfect job of surviving,” he muses lightly. “I know I’ve been in the family
only almost two weeks, but I have seen so much. Amelia, you might think you have this clear-cut idea of what life you’re meant to have, but you’re so wrong. There are so many possibilities and I know what Carlo can do.” He cocks a brow as my eyes widen. How does he know?! “I caught him making some calls about helping someone escape. When he saw me there, he finally told me what he was up to and he also told me how you gave up your chance before for Manuel.”

  “I blew that,” I grumble, feeling shame douse my wounded ego.

  “But did you?” he asks rhetorically. “You came back, Amelia, and you fight for him as much as you do yourself. I’ve seen how tender you are with Manuel. When with Sal, you’re a conniving bitch.” He laughs but only when I show some sign of amusement. “You’re loyal to those who deserve it and you show courage to those who don’t. All it will take is one call and you could have Manuel living a life you want and it’ll only take a second call to have you doing the same.”

  “I can’t leave,” I whisper solemnly. “Like Enzo, I can’t. I stay because I don’t want to abandon any of them.”

  “From what I’ve seen there, too, they won’t care. They’d be happy to have you out of the family if it meant you’re not doing things you don’t want to do.” He leans in closer, the intimacy arousing all of my hidden emotions and I cave to the weakness I keep forbidden. “There’s an entirely new world outside of the Dio Lavoro, sweetheart, and it’s waiting for you. Believe me when I say I know you’re destined for that white picket fence fantasy. I only know because I’ll be the one building that damn thing for you.”

  I laugh at the thought of Zane and me setting up home. Not one trapped in a tiny apartment, but one created with the hope for the future. It’s all I ever dreamed of, but sadly, my pipedreams always end with my father tearing them down and laughing at the lunacy. I always wind up waking in a cold sweat, feeling stupid for ever thinking I can escape the clutches of my father.

  Like me, my father has too much dirt on me to set me free. As much as I could get him sent down for life, he could do the same with me. I am a prisoner and soon, without saving himself, Zane will be the same. You live this life until death, not fulfil a part-time vacancy in.

  “Zane?” I query in a low whisper. When he looks at me, I bite the bullet. “Why are you doing this?” My own voice sounds so weak, ready to break in defeat. “Why are you even being nice to me when I’m a total bitch to you?”

  Releasing my hand, Zane reaches up to my chin, forcing me to hold my head a little higher. “Because you need to feel something other than hate. I need you to feel love again. That’s all.” He smiles at me, his stance and expression exudes sincerity, and I know one thing – he’s right. He’s always right. I do need to love again. But not right now. Right now, I need a friend, a confidante, someone to give me hope. “Fight all you want, but the joke will be on you, darlin’.”

  “You really are a fool,” I mutter, trying to hide my flattery. “You’ve seen what I’m capable of, Zane. It’s destructive and... malevolent. I taint everything I touch with who I am and I am corrupt to the bone now. My father made sure I would be past the point of saving.”

  “But I don’t think you are,” he quips, a small smile adorns his face, aiding his honesty, and I’m mesmerized at how we could be having such an open, honest chat in a public setting. He makes the world fall away every time, and I don’t want to lose that escapism. “I love you and all your tainted shades, Amelia. You make yours too beautiful to ignore. There’s nothing not to love and everything to want.” He edges a little closer and although his hand falls away entirely from me, the intimacy of the moment isn’t lost. “You see yourself as past saving, as corrupt, as a monster, but that’s not how I see you.” He takes a moment between speaking to build the anticipation between us. “And do you want to know why I don’t?”

  “Why’s that?” I dryly whisper, finding my voice ebbing away.

  “Every time I look into your eyes, I see that little spark of you in there. The one that tells me you’re still fighting. I won’t stop while I still see that,” he tells me, his hand cupping my cheek.

  I close my eyes, not caring for the shoppers coming and going in the middle of the mall. “I don’t know how long you’ll be able to stand the sight of me.”

  He reaches up and rubs away my straggling tear. “All the time you’re like this, I won’t look elsewhere. I can’t lose hope when you still feel everything.”

  We’re back to that argument, and I realize as long as I’m bearing guilt, remembering those who have died at my hands, feeling the impact of every notion around me, Zane won’t look elsewhere. And I guess that right there is my saving grace – with my humanity intact, there’s still hope.

  “C’mon, I’m taking you home,” he says, reaching out for me with one hand and grabbing all the bags with another.

  He issues me with one moment of normalcy as we walk out of the shopping mall hand in hand.

  CHAPTER TEN

  “Zane Maverick, alive and kicking,” a deep, velvety, baritone voice breaks into the conversation, stopping us in our tracks. “A sight I didn’t think I’d live to see.”

  I see Zane’s face illuminate brightly, and he turns to face the culprit. We all do actually and I’m relieved to see it’s Billy – aka Zane’s former partner – standing before us with my father beside him. Immediately, the two men are hugging a welcome to one another, obviously having missed each other.

  “It’s been too long, Maverick,” Billy says, releasing him to step back. “We all miss you so much at the precinct. We lost a fucking brilliant detective the day you just decided to take off.”

  “I told you I wasn’t coming back, so don’t try the guilt trip,” Zane comments, trying not to come off as too harsh. “This is where I’m meant to be.”

  “So, he’s legit,” Giovanni asks, squashing the moment. “I mean, he has literally quit his career to be one of us, yeah?”

  “Yeah, he has,” Billy grounds out, bristling a little. I find it all too amusing that he’s clearly still not much of a fan of Giovanni’s. “He handed his resignation in just before he was meant to come back after the shooting, and he practically took off. We tried to get him back, but he was off the grid and then the next I’m hearing is from Sal saying my partner keeps turning up begging for a shot at this life. I told him he was stupid, but apparently, Maverick had other things to fight for before he came back.”

  “Still do,” Zane considers, his eyes flicking to me. “That’s another life now, Billy. I mean, one day I might join you guys and be an informant, but for now, I need to prove myself to Salvatore, here.”

  “Oh, you’re well on your way to that,” my father comments proudly. “If you can win some of the guys over here then you’re well on your way to finishing up a trial period.”

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Giovanni sneers, scowling at our father for that comment.

  “Shut up,” Enzo comments, stepping forward as an ally to Zane. “Costello is the man running this poker night. You win him over and you can thank your lucky stars. He’s not a friendly man at the best of times, but we’ve all shown our loyalty and willingness that he can’t fault the Dio Lavoro.”

  “So, don’t go screwing with that,” Giovanni snarls from beside Zane. “Still waiting for you to make one wrong move, so we can finally get rid of you.”

  “You know, Giovanni, your attitude stinks for a guy with the world at his feet. You think because I’m a cop I’m going back as a snitch and that I’m not worthy of your family’s time. Well, maybe I’m not worth it, but I am worth a fucking shot that it doesn’t need to be a genetic thing to run with the wolves.” Zane is suddenly up in Giovanni’s face, his face reddening, his shoulders squared. “You’ll be shocked at the things I’ll be willing to do in order to get what I want. I learned long ago that people are expendable.”

  I see my father bristle at the emphasis Zane applies to that final word, and as he looks at me, I remain cool and calm. I can’t
let him know that Zane knows everything that happened months ago. I watch the display of testosterone magnify and continue to ignore my father’s intense glare on me.

  “We’re not the only ones expendable, you fucker. I could slice you open in so many ways you wouldn’t have time to cry your way to your death like you did after the shooting.” Giovanni laughs, chortling alongside his mocking attitude. “Oh, what I’d give to watch you bleed out slowly.”

  “Back at ya, Giovanni.” Zane’s voice is becoming a taut growl, venom seeping with every word. “I know you hate me, but not as much as I hate you because believe me, I see no redeemable attributes in you. But I’m not here to even entertain you.”

  “We all know you’re only here for Amelia,” Giovanni spits, hissing my name as if it burns to say.

  “So, what if I am?” Zane asks, moving closer to Giovanni, deliberately occupying his personal space. “My dedication to the Dio Lavoro comes first. I just hope once I’ve proven myself, I’ll be allowed to give your sister a life worth living within this family. But at least I’ll sacrifice my life for those I love, but you, Giovanni, only love yourself and that’s a sorry existence to be living.”

  Giovanni scoffs, clearly in disagreement. “You think you know everything there is to know about this family. You came in here acting like some hotshot and you really think you’ve got us all down, but you’re in for some huge surprises.” He then laughs manically, pushing Zane away to get him out of his face. “And I cannot wait for the day you turn around and see what monster you’ve become because you love a girl like my mess up of a baby sister. Trust me, it’s a day I’ll cherish forever, Maverick. Just you wait. One day, when it’s all too late, she’ll have ripped every piece of you away to make you into something you fucking aren’t and you’ll hate every single thing about her just like I do.”

  He storms off after finalizing his summation, and I stand self-consciously cradling myself. If my own brother has the same thoughts I do where Zane is concerned, what’s to say Zane doesn’t stay awake at night thinking the same things?