Agatha H. and the Airship City

by Phil Foglio

  A brief pause as Adam poured another handful of rivets into his immense hand. Lilith touched his arm. “I’ll get Agatha out of here. Meet us at the dock.” Adam absentmindedly blew her a small kiss as, in the space of half a second, six more rivets flew to their targets, taking out one of the giant battle clanks, a Radiohead, and three crewmen. The only surprise was Von Pinn, who coolly plucked the rivet out of the air and dropped it to her feet. Before it hit the deck, Adam had sent another dozen at her. She darted forward, her arms blurring into invisibility as she successfully deflected them all, but this did prevent her from being able to stop Adam himself, who, moving like a juggernaut, caught her with a roundhouse blow to the jaw that snapped her head to one side. But even as her ruby-red monocle flew back, her arms whipped upwards and grasped Adam’s arm. Adam tried to recoil and he blinked as his arm remained where it was. With that, Von Pinn flashed him a toothy grin of triumph, and effortlessly tore his arm free from its socket.

  Adam stared in shock as a gout of purplish fluid pulsed from his shoulder, then he gasped as Von Pinn tossed his arm aside and then swung back and punched her hand through his chest, crushing his spasming heart in her grasp before tossing it to the deck.

  Adam blinked, then his eyes rolled up into his head and he pitched forward. Agatha found herself screaming until a hand grabbed her arm and brutally dragged her up to Lilith’s terrifyingly calm face. “Go.” Her voice was as calm as her face. “Get to Castle Heterodyne. It will help you.”

  Before Agatha could respond, she felt herself flung upwards. She caught a brief glimpse of Von Pinn centimeters away from Lilith, who was smiling calmly. “We love you!” She called out, “Now run!”

  Agatha arced upwards and sailed over the railing of the balcony that circled the room. To her astonishment, she saw a huddled mass of wide-eyed figures, onto which she landed. Desperately she clawed her way back to the railing, in time to see Von Pinn finish ripping Lilith to bloody bits. Just as Agatha realized what she was seeing, Von Pinn’s head snapped towards her with a glare that burned its way into her memory, where it resurfaced in nightmares for several years to come. Upon seeing Agatha, Von Pinn shrieked, “MINE!” and darted out of the room.

  A hand dropped onto Agatha’s shoulder, causing her to scream in terror, but it was only Theo DuMedd. She realized that the figures were, in fact, the other students who were staring at her. It was Hezekiah who broke the silence. “We’d better get out of here!” He glanced back over the balcony at the mess below, and took Agatha’s other arm. “Now!”

  Agatha shook herself free. “But I have to—”

  A number of the others began to speak up, when a commanding voice cut through the babble. “Move! Or their deaths will be wasted!”

  Everyone turned in surprise, and there, poised regally before them atop a canister, was Krosp. “Follow me,” he ordered. “I can take you to the airship that the constructs used to get here. Now hurry!” With that he leapt to the ground and strode off. Unhesitatingly, Agatha moved, and with the briefest of pauses, the rest quickly followed.

  It was Z who felt he had to state the obvious. “It’s a talking cat.”

  Theo shrugged. “Well, we’re in a Heterodyne story now. These things happen.” The others nodded.

  “Hey, Theo,” Nicodeamus realized, “she’s your cousin!”

  Theo stumbled. “Wow. I never had any family before.” He considered this briefly. “I mean that wasn’t dead, or missing, or a head in a jar or something.”

  Meanwhile at the front of the crowd, Agatha was trying to cope with the events of the last few minutes. “Lilith! She—”

  “Focus!” Krosp roared over his shoulder.

  Agatha swallowed and nodded. “I… I don’t know how to fly an airship.”

  “Well, you’re in luck. I do.” He frowned. “I’ll need something to stand on, though.”

  Agatha’s brain gratefully seized the memory that bubbled up. “The airship manual—and the controls laid out on the floor. Those were yours?”

  “Yes. I think I have everything memorized, so it wasn’t that big a setback.”

  Agatha glanced back over her shoulder at the crowd following. Hezekiah puffed along behind her, a disbelieving grin on his face. Agatha dropped back slightly so she was running alongside him. “So what are you guys doing here?”

  “We came to help you and Gil. We sure didn’t expect this,” he admitted. “You’re a Heterodyne heir. Wow!”

  Agatha shrugged. “Even if it’s true, it doesn’t change—”

  “Don’t be even more absurd,” Zulenna interrupted. It was obvious from her face that the girl was almost as upset by the day’s events as Agatha. “It changes everything. The Heterodynes saved my family’s lands. Designed our defenses. When he incorporated our lands into the Empire, the Baron had to treat us with respect. We would have been another backwater former monarchy without their help.” Zulenna sighed. “Whereas you yourself have done nothing; many of those who owe your family will feel obligated to support you. This could be a problem if you are not under the Baron’s direct control. Arguably, to best preserve the stability of the Pax Transylvania, perhaps you should—”

  “Naughty children!” The voice sent chills down their spines, and without conscious volition, the group stumbled to a halt. Filling the corridor behind them was the figure of Von Pinn, who glided forward. “Stop this at once,” she hissed. “Bring me the Agatha girl.”

  The group was frozen until Zulenna suddenly stepped forward and, with a whisper, drew the rapier from the scabbard at her waist. Without looking back at the group she ordered them, “Go! I’ll hold her off!”

  Theo blinked. “Zulenna, what are you--”

  “My family owes her family. Everything that I am dictates that I do this. Now GO!”

  “Good luck,” Krosp offered. “Now move!” With that the group reluctantly ran off. Seeing this, Von Pinn flowed forward impossibly fast, but found herself blocked in the narrow corridor by Zulenna’s sword. She reared up. “Get out of my way, child.”

  Zulenna’s hand shook slightly, but her voice remained firm. “You talk a good game, Madam, but you’ve never actually hurt any of us. Don’t make me hurt you.”

  Vonn Pinn made a few lightning fast swipes at Zulenna’s sword, but was unable to grab it. “You cannot hurt me, but I will hurt you in order to pass.”

  “Then that is what you will have to do.”

  Von Pinn screamed and lunged forward. Zulenna retreated slightly and slashed at Von Pinn’s face. The construct flinched. “I am charged with your safety. I do not want to hurt you!” she muttered.

  A friendly hand dropped onto her shoulder. Von Pinn spun and found Bangladesh at her side with a sympathetic look sitting incongruously on her face. “Kids, huh? What are you gonna do?” She patted the construct’s leather-clad shoulder. “Let me take care of this.”

  “You must not—”

  Bangladesh raised a hand in reassurance. “Relax. I ain’t gonna hurt her. I’ll just get her out of the way.” With that she strode forward, a gleaming cutlass weaving idle figures in the air. “Hi, girlie, let’s play!”

  Zulenna brought her sword up, but clearly was unsure how to handle DuPree’s casual advance. “I’m warning you—”

  Bangladesh smiled. “Say, that’s mighty nice of you.” Her cutlass flicked out and Zulenna barely intercepted it in time. Bangladesh continued to walk forward, casually engaging the girl in a lightning fast series of moves. She spoke conversationally. “And really, a lot of people would consider you pretty good.” With that, she brought her sword down from above. Zulenna raised her arm to block it, allowing Bangladesh to step forward and deftly sink a slim dagger into the girl’s breast with her other hand.

  Zulenna froze and stared at the spreading patch of red on her shirt. DuPree sighed and patted her shoulder. “But you know, I’m a Pirate Queen. I do this for a living. Adios, kid.” With that, Zulenna’s eyes rolled up into her head and she slumped to the ground. Bangladesh pirouette
d around her as she fell, and grinned back at Von Pinn. “See? She never felt a thing. Now let’s get the rest of them. This is fun!”

  Von Pinn screamed and launched herself forward, claws extended.

  For a fraction of a second, a look of surprise crossed Bangladesh’s face, then she fell back laughing. “Oh yeah! Better and better!” Moving like a dancer, she swiveled and cut at the enraged construct as Von Pinn roared past her. The sword cut through the leather and a deep gash appeared. “So big and scary,” DuPree taunted. “But you’ve got no teeth when it comes to the kids, hey? Well that’ll make it even more fun when I catch ‘em.”

  Von Pinn snarled in pain, spun to a halt and examined the wound. A tiny part of DuPree’s brain offered up the observation that Von Pinn seemed more annoyed about the damage to her outfit than the large cut into her flesh. “Aw, does that hurt?”

  Von Pinn swiveled her head towards Bangladesh, and the captain felt her smile falter. “Pain does not bother me.” She slowly swayed forward and extended a hand toward Bangladesh. “I live with it.”

  Bangladesh raised her cutlass. Von Pinn continued to reach forward. She jabbed towards the construct’s hand. With a sudden move, Von Pinn impaled her own hand upon the sword. DuPree was shocked and froze as Von Pinn drove her hand down the length of the sword until she could grasp the guard. “I use pain. Cultivate it.” Effortlessly she squeezed and the sword guard crumpled, trapping DuPree’s hand within. “Shape it.” Delicate bones snapped within DuPree’s hand and she screamed. A leather-clad claw slapped over her nose and mouth, cutting off her breathing. She found herself face to face with a toothily grinning Von Pinn, who drew her close. “Ah-ah-ah—” she whispered. “Time for a lesson. A final lesson.” She began to tighten the hand covering the struggling captain’s face, and suddenly became aware of the slim dagger that DuPree was desperately trying to slide past the belts and buckles of her outfit and between her ribs. She grinned, but then both women were distracted by a small object arcing through the air and landing at their feet. They just had time to recognize the C-Gas canister for what it was when it went off, belching forth a cloud of thick gas that caused the two combatants to fall over unconscious.

  The gas cleared quickly, and a shape loomed in the corridor. It was a combat clank. Its eyes broken by Adam’s rivet attack. In its arms it carried Baron Wulfenbach. Leg bandaged, and wearing a small facemask. A lapful of similar canisters clunked whenever the big clank moved. Klaus looked down at the three women and sighed in exasperation. “I’ll deal with you idiots later.” He addressed the clank carrying him. “Continue forward.”

  The machine continued down the corridor. Behind the Baron, he heard running footsteps and a Lackya appeared at his elbow. “Herr Baron!” he inquired. “Are you—”

  Klaus interrupted him. “I am fine. Scout ahead and—” A thought struck him. “No—wait. Back there with Von Pinn and DuPree—There was someone else.”

  The Lackya nodded. “Ah. The Princess Zulenna. I checked them all, Herr Baron, and I regret to say that the princess appears to be dead.”

  Klaus pounded his fist on his leg. “Damnation!” he snarled. “You will take the princess to my medical lab and place her in the cold room.”

  The Lackya looked distressed. “You—The Baron would revive her? But she is—was a Royal. The Fifty Families expressly forbid—”

  Klaus cut him off furiously. “The Fifty Families haven’t got the authority or the power to forbid me from doing anything. Zulenna was under my protection, and I don’t give a damn about their ridiculous games of succession.”

  “But Herr Baron—The princess will.”

  “That is her privilege. But she is the one who will choose her fate.”

  The Lackya opened his mouth, and Klaus roared, “GO! You’re wasting time!”

  The Lackya bowed, but could not resist adding, “I go, Herr Baron, but while the Royals have little obvious power, that which they do have, they use with deadly finesse. Beware.” With that, he swiveled about and set off at great speed.

  The Baron frowned. “The Lackya are getting… argumentative.” He sighed and settled back into the arms of the clank. “It’s always something.”

  “Herr Baron.” Klaus raised his eyebrows in surprise as a group of students appeared from around the edge of a doorway where they had been hiding. Sleipnir stepped forward. “Thank you for taking care of Zulenna, sir.”

  Klaus looked uncomfortable. “Not a word about her revivification. We shall talk about this later. Now stand aside. I have—”

  “No, Herr Baron.” It was Hezekiah who spoke up. He was sweating profusely, but stood tall. “You’re trying to capture

  Agatha, yes?”

  Sun Ming chimed in. “Please, just let her go.”

  Hezekiah nodded. “She’s a good person, sir. She won’t cause trouble.”

  “She didn’t even know she was a Spark.”

  “Or a Heterodyne.”

  Z looked at the Baron’s face. “But you aren’t going to let her go. Why?”

  Klaus sighed. “Because you hardly know her and still you rally to her side, even in defiance of me. If all of you—who have studied under me for so long, and have the best chance of understanding what it is that I have built and how terribly fragile it is—will do so, imagine what the populace at large will do?”

  The group of students looked at each other uncertainly, which was when Klaus slipped the mask over his face and activated a new canister of C-Gas. They dropped to the floor and the great clank delicately stepped over them.

  “I think it time you all returned home,” he sighed. “Your use to me is ended. I can only hope you’ve learned your lessons.”

  Agatha and Theo followed Krosp. Theo suddenly called out, “This isn’t the way to the docking bays! We’ve gotten turned around!”

  Krosp paused. “No. I know where we are, but there’s someone we have to bring with us!” Again he took off, leaving Agatha and Theo no choice but to follow. Everywhere there were signs that things were not going well aboard the great airship. In every corridor, lights were flashing orange, and swarms of people were rushing about in a surprisingly orderly fashion.

  “Krosp,” Agatha called out, “where are we going?”

  “It’s Monday! He’ll be in the chemical locker,” Krosp replied unhelpfully. They reached a large door marked “CHEMICAL STORAGE & DISPOSAL LOCKER 55.”Krosp motioned to Theo. “Open it.”

  Theo did. Inside were racks and racks of metal shelves, holding endless canisters and glass tubes. Halfway down the second aisle, the large, hulking figure of Dr. Dim pushed a small cart and delicately wielded a feather duster.

  “Papa!” Krosp cried as he ran up and leapt up onto Dim’s cart. The man smiled at the sight of him, and patted his head.

  “Hello, Krosp. Are you hungry?” He saw Agatha and DuMedd, and a guilty look crossed his face. “This is a good cat,” he said defensively.

  Krosp patted his hand. “It’s all right, Papa. They’re friends. They are here to help us. It’s time for us to leave Castle Wulfenbach.”

  Dimitri looked confused. “Leave? I don’t think we can do that.”

  “Yes we can. I have a ship, I have a crew, and the Baron is distracted. We have to take this opportunity to escape.”

  Dimitri took a step away from his cart and then stopped. Conflicting emotions played across his face. “But, I haven’t finished dusting.”

  Krosp stared at him. “Forget the dusting, Papa. It’s not important. We’ve got to—”

  The man slammed a hand down on the cart. “You forget yourself, cat.” His face was filled with a cold arrogance that Agatha had seen on any number of Sparks when their knowledge or competence had been questioned. “I am Dr. Dimitri Vapnoople!”

  At this declaration, DuMedd started, and looked from the large man to Krosp, and Agatha could see connections being made.

  Vapnoople continued: “The Baron assured me that I would continue to do important work. Work worthy of my genius! And I
have done my work and I have heard no complaint! The Baron’s secretary saw me in the corridor last week, and do you know what he said to me? Do you? He said, ‘You are doing a good job.’ That’s what he said! To me!” At this, Vapnoople hunched over, grinned, and whispered, “And he still does not know that I continue my real work! Here! In the very heart of his own castle!”

  Krosp glanced at Agatha and DuMedd and looked distressed.

  “Yes, Papa, we know. But now we have to—”

  “I have been constructing my armies! Here! Out of sight! And I have learned! I have learned from the Baron’s own books and laboratories! I have improved my work! Each creature I build is better! Much better than the last!”

  Throughout this tirade, DuMedd had gotten more and more nervous. “Dr. Vapnoople was famous for creating intelligent animals,” he whispered to Agatha. “His armies of wolf/men controlled hundreds of square kilometers. It took the Baron almost three years to defeat him and capture them all.”

  “And Wulfenbach killed them!” Vapnoople roared. “He absorbs all sorts of half-finished trash into his service, but my creations he said weren’t good enough! They had to die!”

  “I believe, Herr Doctor,” Theo said carefully, “that the Baron judged them as being… too good at what they did. Plus he was unable to break their loyalty to you. They couldn’t accept a place in the Baron’s forces.”

  A tear ran down Vapnoople’s face. “Yes. I always did know how to build in the loyalty, eh Krosp?” He ruffled the top of Krosp’s head. The cat’s ears were flattened, but he still leaned into the big man’s hand. “But I learned. Even at the beginning, when Wulfenbach was first engaging my glorious creations, I saw how it would go. I saw that I would have to do better the next time, and I have! BEHOLD!” With that he whipped open a small door in the cart and displayed a small patchwork bear made from rags. “My beautiful bears,” he crooned. He picked it up, and holding its little paws, made slashing and growling noises before putting it back in the cart. “They will overrun Wulfenbach and send his oversized castle crashing to the ground! And you—” He patted a slumped Krosp on the head. “You will lead them to glory!” He pointed to Agatha. “I remember her. She said she would help.”