Wave

by Jennifer Foor

  I must be her least favorite patient by now, but Dr. Lucas never acts annoyed. She’s more like a friend, all except I can’t call her by her first name on account of her treating me. I don’t want to overstep the boundaries of professionalism. She means too much to my progress. It’s like she’s taken me under her wing and portrays the mother figure for me. I feel safest under her care, and a lot less empty.

  The following morning I can hardly wait until Dr. Lucas comes in for her rounds so that I’m able to tell her about Baz’s progress. I wait and wait and she never shows. When I inquire about her tardiness, I’m informed she had a personal matter to attend to and won’t be in. I’m sad by this news, but everyone is entitled to a personal life.

  There’s a lot of contemplation as I await the time I usually go to visit Baz. My nerves are on overdrive, and my battle between revealing my real identity and saving face is getting the best of me. Whatever I feel for Baz has to be regret and pity. I can’t let it be anything else. Either way it’s wrong in the worst of ways.

  He’s nothing but a martyr. I’m the villain. I’m the most awful, selfish person on the planet. I’m weak and self-destructive.

  After spending entirely too much time going back and forth about being honest, I decide my best route is to come clean. I can’t look into his miserable eyes and pretend I’m his angel when I know I’m the exact opposite.

  The apprehensiveness is grueling. Wanting nothing more than a clean slate, I fear the worst. Let’s face it. I’ve never been lucky. I’ve never had something good happen to me. It’s pathetic but true. People fall in love. They get married and have families. Others land great jobs, or win things that are much deserved. Some people are just blessed with good luck. Even bad people seem to find a way to come out shining.

  Not me.

  I’m not down on myself because I’m negative. This is my life and I’m owning it, every single terrible, endless, dark gloomy road it takes me down. It’s mine. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, if I even had one.

  I’ve never been good at hating. An accepting lover of all things, it’s not in my nature to wish ill on others. Maybe I’m too soft. Maybe my weakness makes me empty. It’s too shameful to regard, yet leaves me uneasy and feeling worthless. If I died at this very moment I’d be alone. That’s the hard truth.

  After turning around three times, I head back to my room and climb under my covers. I can’t face Baz. I can’t feel that spark again and know it’s not real, or if it is I’m the epitome of evil. It’s beyond wrong. Even considering how excited and happy it was has my brain running amok. I scream into my pillow, piercing my inner ears and my soul, bruising it until it’s full of shame. With my eyes shut tightly, I weep silently for a few minutes. If I go for much longer I know I won’t be able to stop. Fear that someone might see me makes it easier to dry my tears. I thought I could do this; to see him every day and be supportive, because he didn’t know who I was. I thought I was recovering and that some glimmer of hope remained in my life, but I’ve been blinded by the rush, the arbitrary faith I’ve put in my newfound relationship with Baz. If anything, I’m a cold-hearted slithering snake, only able to wrap myself tightly around my prey until they’re constrained and suffocate within my wrath. I’m venomous. My pain is contagious, and I’m obviously in denial for assuming things could change. There’s no advantage to being able to get to know Baz. It’s only brought a significant amount of shame to my already guarded heart.

  Several hours later I’m still in bed, staring at the ceiling. I put my arms and legs in the position they have Baz in his traction and imagine what it would be like to have no use of my limbs. I keep my head steady and move my eyes around to see the distance my peripheral vision will allow. It’s agonizing to comprehend this has been his daily routine. It’s enough to make even the strongest person go mad. His only reprieve…me. I’m it. Struggling to accept I’ve let him down, my body jolts to an upright position as I scan my little room. It offers solace. I’m fed and have a roof over my head, and since the very first day I’ve felt as if I didn’t deserve it. I thought there were other people more entitled. Never could I admit that I have a serious problem. Not until now.

  This is where I belong, in the loony bin, imprisoned to my own solitary confinement. Sure, I could make friends with other people in this program, but I don’t want to bring them into the black cloud that surrounds me.

  After a second of hesitation, I’m determined to end this charade. With all the courage I’m able to conjure, I head back to the wing of the hospital where Baz is a patient.

  His eyes light up when I come into view. Baz narrows his gaze on my flaming cheeks. “I thought you weren’t going to show up.”

  “Sorry. I was, uh, caught up with something earlier.” It’s easier to lie than tell him I spent the whole day looking for reasons why I can’t be his friend.

  “You freaked me out. I thought my good luck charm got scared away from all my flirting.”

  “I’m not scared of your flirting,” I admit. If anything it’s flattering to think he’s attracted to me amidst his injuries.

  Baz is blissfully unaware that I’m the polar opposite of being good luck.

  “We need to talk,” I start. I can’t back down now. It’s time to come clean and face the real Baz; the one who searches for his reason this happened to him.

  Chapter 19

  Baz

  “Before you say anything, Miley, I need to show you something. You’re never going to believe it. It happened last night after you left. It was like magic. One second nothing and the next, well let me just show you.”

  Miley slowly approaches the bed. I’m not certain, because my excitement is running awry, but something is different about her. She’s reluctant and withdrawn. “What has you so excited?”

  “I was resting and I dreamed I was riding a wave. When the board slipped out from under me I jumped into the water feet first. My eyes flew open and I was looking up at the ceiling, but that’s not what was so incredible. First there was an intense pressure in my lower back, and then I got this sudden urge to raise my knees. It’s something I always did after a fall.”

  Now I have her completely attention. Miley stares at me, her eyes filling with hopefulness. I think she knows what’s coming, but wants to hear it from me first. She looks from me to my covered up legs. While she’s preoccupied, I focus on what I’ve been practicing and raise my finger to barely stroke the top of her hand. She jumps back, her shocked grimace lighting up with an intense celebration.

  “Oh my God. Baz. You touched me.”

  I laugh. “I can move my legs too, it’s just not a mastered skill yet. The doc says it will take a while for me to regain control. Right now it’s pretty sporadic. Sometimes I can make things move and other times nothing happens. I stayed up all night practicing, working so I’d be able to show you. Can you believe it?”

  “So you can feel? It wasn’t just your toe?”

  “It started there. When I was examined today the doc said my back injuries are healing, making the swelling around my spine and surrounding areas decrease. I can’t wait to tell Max.”

  “Is he coming in tonight? Are you expecting him?” It’s weird how she’s quick to ask.

  “What’s up with you? Aren’t you happy for me?”

  “Elated,” she corrects me. “I was just wondering if I was interfering in someone else’s visit.”

  “Someone else?” I sigh. “Don’t you know you’re my most favorite daily visitor? I was heartbroken when you didn’t show up earlier. I thought you dissed me before I got a chance to win you over.”

  She’s pulls that thing where she turns away to hide the shyness. It’s so damn cute I don’t get on her about it too much. In my condition it’s not easy picking up women. It’s not like there hasn’t been others. The nurses on this level are good looking. They have secure jobs and always seem friendly, but they’re not Miley. Even though she has secrets, I feel in time she’ll trust me enough to share them
. I’ve only known her a couple of weeks. Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed talking to anyone the way I do Miley, but given the fact that I can’t move from my bed, it’s not like I have other options.

  There’s still some suspicious things about her that I’m afraid to ask. Like what she does to make money. She says she lives nearby and works with counselors. She told me about her mother, and even her gay boyfriend that strewed her along to keep his friends and family from knowing the truth. She’s reserved and I can tell she doesn’t trust easy. She guards something inside so close I think she’d rather die before opening up. It tells me she’s probably been hurt too many times to count. She never mentions having a father, so maybe his absence factors into a lot of her issues. I wouldn’t know. I was tossed around and neglected by my parents. Maybe we’re both just messed up and I feel like that gives us something in common.

  “I have a long road ahead of me, but you to thank for keeping me sane. I appreciate you being my friend through this.”

  Miley smiles and nods. “You’re welcome. It’s been my pleasure.”

  “Maybe soon we’ll be able to play cards or something.”

  “How long will they be keeping you in traction? I mean, if you’re healing won’t you be able to move around? You’d think they’d promote it?”

  “Not yet. My neck is still jacked. That’s what the main concern is. If you haven’t noticed this contraption is screwed into my skin and bone.”

  “I’ve noticed,” she says with a giggle.

  I smile. “Are you okay today? You seem off.”

  “There’s something I need to tell you, Baz.”

  “I’m all ears.”

  “It’s not that simple.” Miley shakes her head and fidgets. She’s anxious about whatever is bothering her. “I’m afraid what I have to say might change your mind about me, and I don’t want it to.” She starts to shake and I watch her face scrunch up. Then the tears begin to fall from her eyes and I’m complete taken back by her demeanor. “You don’t know how much this past two weeks have meant to me. It’s been everything.”

  “You’re not making any sense. I’m not a mind reader. Just spit it out. I’m a pretty nice guy when I’m not being a dick. Look, I understand you’re apprehensive. Maybe I told you too much about myself and my dangerous ways, but things are different now. I need to be different.”

  “I’m not a vol…” Someone walks in the room causing her to pause mid-sentence.

  It’s Max and his dad, Koani. They come bearing gifts of a milkshake they’ve smuggled in. Miley puts her head down and turns away from the two as they approach me.

  “What up, dude? We came to catch the encore of the surf competition tonight on the tube. You up for some more company?” When he asks he turns to look at Miley. For a second he seems to be studying her, then just as quickly he’s back to talking to me. “We brought you a treat too, bro. Figured you’d like this instead of that shit they’ve been making you eat.”

  Koani comes up alongside of his son and taps me on the arm. I flinch because I feel it, and that’s when they recognize my advancements. The room fills with celebration and before I can ask Miley to stay and join us I realize she’s gone.

  Chapter 20

  Miley

  I couldn’t stay there any longer. Every second standing across from Baz’s friend Max was another opportunity for him to recognize me. I was so close to telling Baz the truth. Maybe it’s just an omen; something cosmic telling me it would be the biggest mistake of my life. The man wanted to celebrate his progress. I was stupid to think he’d be in any condition to hear my confession. He needs time to be happy. Despite knowing inevitably that Baz will come to remember that day on the beach, I make a decision to keep him in my life until it happens. In two weeks I’ve come to care for him, and it’s not just because I’m responsible for his accident. There’s a connection between us from hours of talking and getting to know one another, but also the listening part. I’ve been there when he breaks down. I’ve seen him terrified of what’s to come. He’s confided those fears in me. He trusts me. He needs me. Whether I like it or not, I have to remain supportive, at least until he tells me otherwise.

  That next morning I’m still irritated with my decision. When it’s my turn to see Dr. Lucas I sit in a chair across from her in a private office and pour my guts out. “I’m so confused. I mean, I didn’t want to have feelings like this. Maybe it’s because I’ve let this go on for far too long. They say misery loves company. Do you think I pulled him into my sad life on purpose? Did I cause all of this to happen? Him to rely on our friendship? I can’t stand it anymore. Every second we spend together makes it harder.”

  “Instead of thinking of it that way, Imagine how much this has helped you feel wanted, Miley. Saving you was Baz’s choice.”

  “It was instinct. A normal person wouldn’t sit on a surfboard and watch someone drown. He did it because his body reacted even before his brain could contemplate the decision. By the time he was in the water it was too late to turn back. He’d invested all of his energy into getting me out of the water. What happened afterwards wasn’t in his control. It all happened too fast.”

  “You’ve explained the events before, Miley. I’m aware of how you see the accident unfolding. I also know you saved him too. Do you ever think about how you did CPR to get the water out of his lungs? Surely he could have died waiting for an ambulance to come. Without your assistance your friend wouldn’t be here in this hospital. He might possibly be dead.”

  I play with my fingernails instead of looking her in the eye. “I remember it.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “Being hated. Being blamed.”

  “That’s a valid concern, but it’s not the whole story. Your friend did what he thought was right. He risked his own safety to save a stranger. It doesn’t matter why you were in the water. You’re both alive. You have to start with that and accept what you can’t change. This takes time. It won’t happen overnight.”

  “Thank you for getting me into this program, Dr. Lucas. At first I didn’t think I needed to be here, but clearly I have huge issues.”

  “Issues that are treatable.”

  “I tried to tell Baz the truth and I failed, and now I don’t know if I can go through with it. What if he never recognizes me? What we’re building, this friendship, or whatever is happening between us, is it real? Is it just being in this place that’s pulling us together, or is it possible something new is growing? I’m not naïve. I know people don’t fall in love overnight and live happily ever after. It’s just…there’s real feelings developing. I care about him, not just as a patient, but also as a person. I can see myself actually dating him.”

  “And do you think he feels the same?”

  “He says he does. Granted, I’m the only female that visits. Maybe it’s the medicine making him feel things he normally wouldn’t.”

  “You’ve both been through something traumatic. It’s only natural to cling to what brings you comfort. Whatever the connection is that brought you together doesn’t have to be the purpose of your friendship now.”

  “But I’m hiding things. I’m lying to him.”

  She nods. “Let me ask you this, if Baz wasn’t in the hospital and you met him walking down the street or at your favorite place to hang out, would you befriend him?”

  I cross my arms over my chest. A breath of air escapes my lips and then I answer begrudgingly. “No. I don’t know.” Uncertainty fills my mind. “I turned him down the day of the accident. He hit on me and I wanted nothing to do with him.”

  “Was it because he wasn’t attractive or you were too focused on ending your life?”

  She’s got me there. “I was preoccupied and not in the mood for a local surfer’s attempts at getting in my pants.”

  “So there was never an attraction?”

  “I’m not saying that.” I’m becoming annoyed. Why is she bringing up the past? It means nothing. “He was very good lookin
g and shirtless. The appeal of experiencing a night alone at an exotic beach with a surfer may have crossed my mind for a few minutes, but I’d never hook up with a stranger like that.”

  “I’m not implying whether you would or wouldn’t, but simply curious as to how you saw Baz the first time you met.”

  “I was attracted to the idea of being attracted to him. He was exquisite; exactly how I would picture an attractive surfer. But he was also cocky as all hell and relentless. No matter what I said to decline his offers, he’d come back with reasons why I should change my mind.”

  “And how did that make you feel?”

  Gripping the chair to hide my frustration, I answer while closing my eyes. “I feel like this is a waste of time. I’m here because I want to talk about telling him the truth. I want to know why a guy that I’ve only known for a couple weeks is so important to me. I want to know why he followed me into that water,” I explode as tears begin to fall from my eyes. “I want to know why he was stupid enough to want to save a loser like me. Why couldn’t he let me die? This would all be so much easier. I’m tired of hurting the people closest to me. I’m hurting him right now and he doesn’t even know it. I’m pathetic. I thought things were looking up, but I’ve been in denial. They’re not better, they’re worse. I’m dragging Baz down with me. I’m suffocating him in my miserable world.”

  “Miley, are you having suicidal thoughts again?”

  I wipe away the tears as I answer. “No. I can’t. I have to know he’s going to be okay. Everything about my life is on hold until I know he can have his life back.”

  “And what if that never happens for him? Then what will you do? How will you feel?”

  “Terrible. Guilty. Sorry. I’ll be inconsolable.”

  “Will you want to end your life? Or will you still wonder and worry about your new friend?”

  She has a point. She wants me to think back to that first moment before the accident. She wants me to admit there was an attraction, an appeal I assumed would never result in a romance. “I don’t know.”