by Megan Noelle
“I want things to be different, Grey.” I nodded, but didn’t respond, knowing just how badly I wished they were too.
Wishing, hoping, dreaming, they were a fool’s paradise and if I didn’t stop focusing on them, I would never move past this.
“I need to go, Stefan.”
He looked up, and swallowed back the same lump of tears that had taken up a permanent residence in my throat.
“Can you just give me one more goodbye before we part our ways?”
I was shaking my head, but my eyes flickered from his gaze to those sad, tearstained lips. “I can’t…”
“Then tell me to stop if you don’t want me to.”
As his arms gradually lowered him closer, I found it nearly unimaginable to speak up. All I had to do was say stop, and I had no doubt that Stefan would honor my wishes. But the closer his body came and the way the heat of his breath caressed my skin—I knew I needed this. Maybe just this one kiss would end our hold on the other, and we could move forward freely in our lives.
My chance to back out was gone, as his lips met mine in a feather-light touch. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting myself get lost in the feeling. That one soft peck deepened, until our lips were pressed together in a slow, unforgettable dance. His hands left the wall, wrapping around my back, pulling my body into his. The gentle touch of my fingers against his neck became desperate as my hands moved into the back of his freshly cut hair.
We held each other so tightly that not even a whisper of wind could slide through. Our lips moved together, our tongues caressed the other, and our hands held onto this moment with all our might. We both knew once the kiss was over, that was it, and now neither of us wanted it to end.
Since the first time our lips touched I had hardly believed that this amazing man could be mine to kiss. Our first kiss made me certain there was no one else I would want in my life, for all the rest of my days. Now here we were—our last kiss—and the only thing that had changed was that this was the one man I couldn’t have.
Our time had been a beautiful, passionate, and unexpected blessing. There was fire and lust, desire and so much unequivocal love. Never in this world had there been anything like it but as all good things came to an end—so must this.
So must us.
Our lips broke apart and with a long final stare into each other’s eyes, we let it go. All that was and all that would never be meant to be.
“Goodbye, Greyson Rose. I will always love you.”
As I stood there speechless, I watched Stefan walk away from me once again. Except this time I didn’t scream his name to come back to me. With his hands in his pockets, and his head hanging down, this moment could be Allie’s funeral all over again. Once more I was watching my future walk away, only this time I had to believe I didn’t just make the biggest mistake of my life.
Days passed.
Every morning I opened my eyes, and every day I took that as a miracle in itself. Stefan had been right, my heart had hurt for him in the past, but I had avoided it at all costs. It was because I never truly said goodbye to him and to our life together. I had always believed I was no longer holding on, but the morning after our goodbye kiss, I felt it. Every single breath I inhaled, my lungs felt as if they were caving in. The first two days I avoided everyone and everything.
Richard believed I was sick, and Kacie knew the basic facts behind my disappearance. She was completely supportive, not just of my time away, but of really letting my past go. Never knowing about Stefan kept Kacie from wholly comprehending the severity of my broken heart. All Kacie knew was he had come back and screwed with my head in every way possible. Little did she know that my confusion and stress weren’t here because Stefan reentered my life—it had never left.
She offered to be my shoulder to lean on, but that would involve me explaining things and right now I just wanted to forget. Kacie promised the salon would be bouquet free when I came back to work, and in return, I promised to pick up a few of her shifts. In the entirety Kacie and I had been friends, never had I been such a total flake when it came to work. If I would have not shown up to our beauty school classes a few times a week, I had no doubt she would have thought twice about becoming business partners.
As for Richard, I was already sick with heart ache; once I added the guilt I had for feeling this bent out of shape about another man, I felt completely destroyed. It was over and I wanted to move forward, finally devoting every piece of me to the man I agreed to marry.
My days were spent curled up in a ball, crying and sleeping off the pain. The two nights following my separation from Stefan, I slept on the couch. I convinced Richard that I didn’t want to be up every few minutes, waking him in the process, if I was feeling sick. Of course, you can’t just tell a doctor that you are going to be sick without them immediately snapping into job mode. In the end, it all worked out. We cuddled together on the couch before we went to sleep, and each night he was sad to leave me alone, but I promised it was alright. The truth was that I refused to use Richard as my comfort each night while I cried out the last of my memories of Stefan.
On the third morning I woke up and I truly felt different. The sorrow wasn’t weighing upon my chest, pulling me into the darkest quarters of my heart. My soul was almost…lighter, if that were even possible. It was difficult making sense of the emotions, but I began wondering if all that pain was done for. Missing Stefan was as natural for me as breathing, but as I inhaled the air around me I didn’t feel that crippling need to have his arms holding me.
This day was starting in a wonderful way that I hadn’t experienced in far too long. I knew it was time to make things right and get my life back onto the track it was headed in before chaos reared its ugly head. After taking a shower, and dressing for the day I set off to be the good housewife for my deserving fiancé.
Gathering and beginning the laundry was my first step, cleaning up the last traces of my meltdown over the past became the next. From there I vacuumed, scrubbed the tile floor in the kitchen, and created a shopping list. After I switched over the loads of laundry I hopped into my car, and was on a mission to fill our home with all the foods that Richard loved. These minimal efforts to turn this all around had me smiling.
In the past when I gave Richard my full love and attention, it still never felt true. Without a doubt in my mind I knew I loved this man, but because of Stefan, I had never been able to fully give myself to him. For the first time, I was free of my regrets and able to move forward with the life I wanted to lead. Upon returning home I put away the groceries, switched the laundry from the washer to the dryer, and while I folded the first load of clean clothes I called Kacie.
I wasn’t surprised when her voicemail picked up, and was ready to leave a message.
“Kacie, it’s me! Sorry about the last few days, I’m such an awful friend! It’s so wrong that I left you all there alone because of personal issues. I promise to make it up to you and the others and I can proudly say I will be back to work in the morning! All is well on my end. Well, honestly, all is fantastic! Can’t wait to tell you all about it! Love you, Kace!”
As the clock ticked closer to Richard’s arrival home from work I got out the fresh new ingredients to make his favorite dinner, roman chicken. Grilled chicken breasts, fresh veggies and seasoning. By the time Richard arrived home and sought me out in the kitchen, the entire house smelt fantastic and I became downright giddy to see him.
Richard’s smile slowly grew as he took in the sights around him. More than anything I saw the way he observed every little movement I made to see if all of this was for real.
“Welcome home, baby!” I greeted him happily, throwing my arms around his shoulders for a hug.
“All of this is for me?”
Before I answered I sealed my lips over his, pouring my heart into our kiss. The sweet touch warmed as Richard’s mouth opened just slightly as I slid my tongue against his. His arms wound around my waist, pressing even deeper into me. It had been so long si
nce a single kiss excite Richard sexually, but with his hard growing length pressing against my thigh, I knew I wasn’t mistaken. Before our simple hello turned into a pants-off kind of greeting, I pulled my face from his.
His hands remain locked around my lower back, while his eyes flamed with passion and desire.
“I got something for you when I was out today.”
Richard let out a soft rumbling moan, “Please tell me you are wearing my gift under those clothes.”
I damn near ripped my clothes off just then. It wasn’t just that we hadn’t had sex in a while, but those sexy sounds and sensual words were always what did the trick.
Prying his hands off my waist, I backed away slowly with a smirk on my face. “No baby, under this outfit I’m not wearing anything, but that isn’t your gift.”
The way his eyes roamed over my body from head-to-toe made me want to melt. It wasn’t until the power of his sexually needy gaze focused on me, that I realized just how badly I needed him to take my body into another world.
“Then please show me, darling. I have something I desperately want to give to you now.”
I bit down on my lip, making myself turn away from him, as I headed toward the fridge. Magnetically attached was an erasable calendar, and a dry-erase marker clipped to the top. I held it up for Richard to see; he struggled giving me his full attention while trying to ignore his plainly apparent hard-on.
“This is what I got for us.” My smile grew. Forgetting about the sexual need between my thighs was much easier now that I was able to show what I did for us.
“A calendar?”
“It’s a calendar yes, but it goes right here on the fridge. This is where we can put little things about our days that help the other know when and where we’ll be!” My enthusiasm bubbled and Richard couldn’t help but smile. “A lot of families use these for their kids and appointments, and whatever else may come up.”
“We don’t have kids.” It was an obvious observation, but I understood the implication of wondering about future plans I might have.
“No, not yet, but maybe. The other day things really upset me when you left, but you were right. There are many days where you are left here alone for meals because I have prior engagements. I want us to communicate the little details. Anything that you have coming up, write it down, long shifts, days off, whatever! I want us to really shine together in this beautiful relationship we have. Let’s go that extra step to really get our future together going in the right direction.”
Slowly Richard closed the distance between us. “I thought our future already was going in the right direction.”
“It is,” his hands slid down my torso, locking once more around my waist. “But this is just one more step to keep it special.”
“I love it, darling. It’s wonderful and I am more than happy to use it to mark my things so we can keep track of each other.”
I beamed back, pressing a chaste kiss against his lips. As I pulled away he followed, leaning his lips toward my ear. “Now, why don’t you let me show you what else will keep things…magical.” Before I could give any sort of response, Richard bent over and scooped me into his arms.
A giddy squeal made its way out as my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. “Richard! What about the dinner I made??” I pointed toward the prepared plates of food.
He gave me a look over, smiled at me but never let me down. “They smell great, darling. I love you so much for making me dinner, but right now you look downright delicious. So, I think it’s time to have a little dessert before we dive into the chicken.”
Richard walked us toward the bedroom and just as I was about to let out another squeal of protest, his mouth sealed itself onto my neck. My oversensitive body instantly chilled at the feel of his lips delicately tasting my skin. All joking attitudes were left back in the kitchen, as my body was suddenly crying out with need once more.
He let me down at the foot of the bed, and seconds later my shirt was yanked from my head. My bare chest beat rapidly as my nipples grew hard and yearned for attention. Richard’s lips immediately satisfied the need as his hands roamed my back and his tongue teased and swirled around my hardening bud.
His mouth released my nipple and began to move up my neck. My legs weakened and as much as I loved the foreplay, I needed him in me.
“Baby, please, just take me. I need you.”
Richard’s speedy and precise hands flew to the button of my shorts, and worked them over my hips Together we helped his clothes join mine and moments later our mouths were molded together again. Carefully, he lowered us onto the bed and when his kisses began trailing from my neck to my ear, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. My hand reached out and took hold of his throbbing cock and rubbed him forward until he was at my opening.
I didn’t need to ask again as one strong thrust sent him deep into me. My back arched, his breathing hitched, and my hips rolled up to feel him move within me. When he started to gently rock into my desperate core, I couldn’t hold in my groan. I needed him to thrust relentlessly until I found the release I craved so badly.
“Please, Richard.”
“If I don’t take this slow, darling, it will be over in minutes.”
“That’s okay, just please!” Without ever exactly saying what I wanted, I received it. His pace quickened and I felt all control leaving my mind and body. My pleasure built as Richard rocked harder and suddenly it was all too much and I let go. An intense orgasm ripped through my body, as Richard followed. That was the moment when I believed that this was the path I was meant for now.
Peace, assurance, and the strength to move on settled into my bones. Richard was my future and now I could enjoy the idea, not fear it.
“I love you,” I breathed out, as my heart beat against my chest.
“And I love you, my beautiful bride-to-be.”
We sealed our love with a kiss as I let that moment symbolize the turning point deep within my aching hurt. For the first time since the day I met Stefan, I was free of the power he always held over me.
As the weeks passed everything seemed to fall into an easy, natural flow.
Richard and I kept up the calendar, making time for each other, even if it was just an hour of the day. My time at the salon was no longer a maybe thing either. Each day I was there, staying from open to close most days and truly making up the time the others picked up my slack. Kacie, Kari, Tyler and the other stylists loved that we were all able to spend our shifts together. While none of them knew the actual reasons for my absence, they could all sense the change. Everything was back to normal and most days it felt like the last few stressful, emotional weeks had never happened.
Every once and a while a single thing would remind me that despite my attempts to move forward, there was still an ache in my heart that wondered about Stefan. Almost immediately though, I pushed the feeling aside and lived in the moment, refusing to let myself slip back into things I couldn’t change.
Since the night of our goodbye, Stefan hadn’t reached out a single time. The flower deliveries stopped, no texts came in and never did anyone arrive to repair something of mine that Stefan wanted to have fixed. Especially in the beginning I couldn’t resist looking over my shoulder, expecting him to show up out of the blue. Every day that passed I expected to see him just a little less than the day before. After two and a half weeks had passed I could hardly believe any of it had been real.
Life moved on and Stefan’s brief appearance after six years became nothing but a memory, a dream, really. No one mentioned his name and every magazine in the salon that featured his picture had been removed. It was almost as if he never existed anywhere, and was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Dwelling on the past had done nothing but keep me from living the life I had worked so hard to have.
Letting go of Stefan meant letting go of all that reminded me of him. As much as I loved Amy, that meant cancelling all appointments with her as well. In all honesty, I went to her because she h
ad been the only person to know us both that I could honestly talk to about life. Leaving her was much more difficult than I ever anticipated, but I knew it needed to happen.
Loneliness and longing tugged at my heart for all the memories that once consumed me, but I refused to cave in. My heart couldn’t handle the constant indecision and I needed to honor the promise I made to an incredibly wonderful man.
The sun rose every morning and darkness came each night and my life carried on without Stefan. A piece of my heart would always have love for him, but it no longer consumed every breath I took. Moving forward was a part of life and that was finally what I was doing.
With my heart free to love without guilt, the wedding plans were finally taking priority. Flipping through the countless bridal catalogs for the past few months had done nothing to prepare me for just how much went into planning a wedding. A stop at the bookstore resulted in me purchasing a wedding planning guide, and a dozen other self-help type books.
Once I knew the basics of what I needed to achieve, the phone calls started. Caterers, venues, photographers, florists, the list was endless and almost immediately I pulled my mother on board. Leeann Desmond flew into super mom mode and took up the reins of wedding planner. She was a beast at negotiating, and getting discounts that were almost unheard of for every single thing. It was a relief having her assistance but every day at least a dozen texts came in that were filled with new tasks that required my immediate attention.
Between the long hours at the salon, making time for Richard, and keeping my mind from wondering about Stefan, I was completely wiped out. So on my first Sunday morning off work, with the house to myself, I thought of nothing but relaxing. I took a nice long bubble bath, wrapped myself in my brand new, extra soft robe and kicked my feet up.
It was just after 11:00 in the morning and a prominent knock sounded against the apartment door. My hand flew to the remote and pressed the mute button. I wasn’t sure who it was, but I knew I didn’t give a damn. This was my day and I intended to do nothing but sit on my lazy bum. Another knock came and I knew whatever lowlife salesman was on the other side must have had a full load of some ridiculous product. Well, he could sit out there all day if he wanted, it wasn’t going to change my mind.