Chapter 28
Ava
As Ava pushed open the front door and stepped inside, she barely recognised her own apartment. The scent of eucalyptus fought with something else. Something she hadn’t been expecting. Something that made her stomach groan in anticipation. Pressing her hands against her stomach, willing it to settle, Ava kicked off her heels and padded inside. She heard the water running and assumed Tyler was still here. She hadn’t been certain he would be and the whole drive home she’d been anxious about what he would do all day in her shoebox. At least when they were hanging out at his place they had space to just be. Here it sometimes felt like the walls were closing in on her and it took everything she had not to scream.
With Tyler’s voice echoing off the tiled bathroom walls, Ava took the opportunity to get changed. Feeling the need to protect herself, Ava pulled on her daggy grey sweat pants and one of Tyler’s sweaters. She couldn’t help it. She felt safest when she was wrapped in him, whether it was his powerful arms or simply his scent.
She was filling a glass from the tap when Tyler’s voice shattered her peace. “Hey.”
As she turned towards him, her eyes almost fell from their sockets. Tyler Andrews, Olympian, World Record holder, and sex on legs was standing in her hallway wearing nothing but a cocky smirk and a too small, worn pink towel draped low on his hips. Bringing her glass to her quivering lips, Ava took a small sip as she tried to calm her out of control pulse but she only ended up choking on it.
“You okay?” Tyler asked, concerned, as he moved towards her, seemingly unconcerned about his lack of clothing.
“Yeah…fine…” Ava spluttered as she stepped backwards, crashing her hip into the bench and sending shooting pain through her body. Gritting her teeth, Ava refused to let Tyler see the affect he was having on her.
“If you’re sure…”
“I am.”
“I’ll just get dressed then…” He cocked an eyebrow and Ava found herself white knuckling the bench. It took every bit of strength she possessed to hold back the words that were on the tip of her tongue, desperate to escape. Not trusting herself, Ava simply nodded.
She watched his retreating back and found herself licking her lips. His wide, tanned shoulders had always been her favourite part of Tyler’s incredible body, but watching them retreat with water droplets beading on the wide expanse, it was setting her on fire. She felt it everywhere. Shaking off the X-rated thoughts, Ava opened the slow cooker and breathed in the aroma. It looked like lamb shanks and all sorts of vegetables covered in spices. It made Ava’s mouth water and stomach clench painfully. Taking another mouthful of water, Ava felt completely unsatisfied but she had too many other things on her mind to pay much attention.
“So honey, how was your day?” Tyler asked as he sauntered back into the lounge room wearing jeans slung low and a grey t-shirt that hugged all the right spots and bare feet.
Ava gulped. This was her greatest fear. Tyler looked so damn edible and he’d made himself so comfortable in her home, it was like he belonged there. And Ava was not onboard with getting used to the idea.
“Hard.”
“How?”
“Couldn’t concentrate. I came home early.”
“Why so?”
“Tired.”
With a lazy smirk and waggling his eye brows, Tyler glided across the room until he was right in front of Ava. Reaching out, he wrapped his long fingers around Ava’s wrist and she could feel the warmth from his skin burning her. Her head was telling her to pull away but her traitorous heart was screaming at her, insisting she throw herself into his arms and never let go.
Finding her voice, she said, “Yeah. Someone rudely woke me up in the middle of the night banging on my door, then hogged the blankets.”
With a wicked gleam in his eye, Tyler brushed the stray curl from Ava’s forehead, “You let men bang on your door in the middle of the night then climb into your bed?”
His breath was warm on Ava’s neck and she felt a cold shiver race through her body. Holding her breath, Ava teased, “All the time.”
“Witch!” Tyler growled deeply as he yanked her into his arms and crushed his lips over hers.
Ava groaned as she melted in his arms. This was a side of Tyler she’d never seen before. It was demanding, dominant, and sexy as hell. Ava wasn’t sure how long they stood there wrapped in each other, but when she felt Tyler’s hands under her bum lifting her off her feet, she gasped and pulled back.
“What are you doing?” she asked breathlessly.
Tyler didn’t answer. His dark, hooded eyes taunted her as he sat her on the counter and stepped between her knees before once again taking control of her mouth. Ava wasn’t sure how long she sat there, completely consumed by Tyler, but when she pulled away she was panting desperately.
“That was…”
“Yeah.”
“But Tyler…”
“I know, Short Stack. I know.”
Tyler’s words sunk her heart. Barely a breath ago Ava had been so hot she was ready to start ripping her clothes off. All it took was Tyler’s short, simple words to send a chill through her bones and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be warm again. Tugging down her sweater, which had ridden up, showing off her pale stomach, Ava pushed Tyler away and jumped off the bench. Roughly she yanked the elastic from her hair and retied the ponytail.
Desperate to cool herself off, Ava stumbled out of the kitchen and flopped on the sofa. “So, what made you decide to clean my apartment?”
“Ummm…”
“Just tell me.”
Ava couldn’t help but smirk. Tyler looked uncomfortable. There was a bigger conversation looming, one they both knew they had to have, but were doing anything and everything possible to avoid it.
“It gave me something to do. And it helped you. So you know, win-win.”
“Why didn’t you just go to your place?”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“Why did you come here in the middle of the night?”
“Why did you say okay?”
“Why did you fly halfway around the world to get away from me? What did I do that was so terrible you ran away?” The tears were filling Ava’s eyes faster than she could control them. A few escapees left wet trails over her rosy cheeks. She swatted them away quickly.
“Short Stack, is that what you really think?” There was a look of pure disgust and pain all over Tyler’s beautiful face.
“What was I supposed to think?”
“Fuck!”
Chapter 29
Tyler
Ava’s questions knocked the breath out of him. He wasn’t dumb enough to think his actions hadn’t hurt her but he hadn’t stopped to consider the deep scars he’d be responsible for. Scars with his name all over them. Tyler had felt like shit before but never as bad as he did in that moment. Glancing across at the shell of the woman sitting at the opposite end of the sofa, he wanted to punch himself in the face for being such a dick. Her red eyes, swollen lips, and the complete devastation on her face was his fault.
“Short Stack…” Tyler’s voice fell away.
Last night as he’d sped down the freeway, determined to get to Ava’s door, he rehearsed the things he wanted to say over and over in his head, but now the moment had arrived for him to put it all on the line, he had nothing. Reaching for Ava’s hand, he was stunned when he clasped her clammy hand in his and felt the tremble there. She was afraid. Afraid of him. He hated himself more in that moment than any other in his life.
“What’s…f-for…dinner?” Ava stuttered.
He knew what she was trying to do. He’d seen her do it time and time again over the past couple of months. When things got too much for her to handle, Ava dodged and weaved like a linebacker on crack before bolting in the opposite direction.
“Lamb shank tagine,” Tyler replied grimly.
“Good! I’m starving.” Ava grinned, straightening herself. She was overcompensating and Tyler could see it.
“Tyler…”
“Please?” Tyler watched as indecision flickered in Ava’s eyes. With relief, Ava untangled her fingers from his before falling back into the sofa and hugged her knees, waiting for him to speak. “You okay?”
“No! I’m not okay! I don’t want…” Ava was heaving and huffing.
“Why don’t we start with something simple. When I was tidying earlier on, I found this.” Tyler pulled the paper from his pocket. Fear shook Ava and Tyler couldn’t stand it a second longer. Lunging across the lounge, Tyler dragged Ava back into his arms before he continued. “This is a list that, I’ll admit, scares the shit out of me. I’m hoping you’ll tell me the truth so I can stop thinking all these terrible thoughts.”
“Okay. Show me.” Ava trembled.
Tyler unfolded the paper and sucked in a deep breath. If he wanted to admit it, he was more nervous than Ava appeared to be. “Reasons why,” he began reading, squeezing Ava even tighter against his chest. “Not enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not smart enough. Not rich enough. Embarrassed to be seen with her. Dragging him down. In the way of his career. Taking up his time. Too clingy. Too emotional. Wants more.” Ava tried to pull away but Tyler wasn’t having a bar of it. “I don’t want to ask, but I need to. This list, what is it?”
“Ummm…”
“Is this about your next book? Or us?” Tyler choked out the words. Ava eyes went wide as the penny dropped.
Chapter 30
Ava
Until that moment Ava hadn’t really thought about it in that context. When she’d scribbled down that list, her mind had been consumed with destroying Anna and James’s perfect fictional romance. However the moment Tyler regurgitated her words back at her, she couldn’t help but hear her fears about their relationship shining through. Looking up into Tyler’s eyes, she was shaken by what she saw there. Desperation was evident.
“Ava, it will be fine, I promise. I just need you to tell me the truth.”
“I…I…when I wrote that, I was writing. It was entirely Anna and James I wanted to destroy.”
“Why do I feel like there is a but coming?”
“Because there is. When I wrote it was only Anna and James. But now, now I think maybe in the back of my mind I wonder if there was more to it.”
“Ava…”
“Don’t stress, Tyler.”
Tyler snapped. It was instant. Without hesitation or warning, Tyler pushed Ava from his lap and vaulted to his feet. “Don’t! Don’t you dare tell me not to stress, Ava!”
Afraid of the look in Tyler’s eyes, Ava stood and swallowed. “I didn’t know. I still don’t know what I did wrong to cause you to run. I don’t understand—”
“Short Stack! Princess!” Tyler ran his hands through his hair before cupping Ava’s face in his hands. “That list better be about your book because you even entertaining those thoughts about us makes me sick.”
Before Ava had a chance to respond, Tyler kissed her with a kiss that left her breathless. “Why…did…you…go?”
“Because I was scared.”
“Scared?”
“I got sick. And I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want you to have to deal with it. So, I ran. As far and as fast as I could. It was a chicken shit move.”
“But you came back?”
“I couldn’t not come back.”
Ava crossed the distance between them in a few steps and wrapped her arms around Tyler’s waist. She didn’t know what would happen next, or even if she’d get another chance to hold him, but in that moment, with her head buried against his chest, she knew she was home. And home was worth fighting for. No matter the cost. Despite her previous hesitations and the sometimes overwhelming anxiety that she wasn’t enough, Ava wasn’t about to walk away. All she had to do now was make Tyler believe.
Looking up into his face with half closed eyes, Ava’s voice trembled as she asked the question. “You said you were sick. Should I be worried?”
“Let’s sit.”
Guiding Ava back to the sofa, Tyler held her hand but left some distance between them. It didn’t go unrecognised by Ava, but she didn’t push either. The silence was killing her. Ava wanted this over, the sooner the better. She heard her phone chirp but ignored it. Nothing was more important than the man in front of her and she was going to do everything in her power to make sure he knew it.
“Somehow, no one knows how, I managed to contract the mumps virus,” Tyler began.
“Okay? Isn’t that something you get immunised against as a kid?”
“Yeah, and I checked with Mum and I had been, but lucky me.”
“You’re okay now? Aren’t you?” Ava held her breath. She couldn’t bear the thought of him suffering. Scrutinizing him from head to toe, he looked fine. Healthy.
“Yeah. I’m good now.”
“Then, I don’t get it.”
“Ava, the mumps has many different symptoms and side effects. Thankfully, I didn’t get all of them, but I did get quite a few. Remember when my times were getting worse and we couldn’t figure out why? It was part of this. I was exhausted. It sapped my energy and I didn’t even realise. I think I just got so used to being tired all the time that when it got worse, I barely noticed. I had a constant headache for weeks that I couldn’t shake. And I was sore. Everything ached, no matter how many massages I had they still couldn’t pummel the aches and pains away.”
“Okay…but I still don’t…”
“Short Stack. You know I love you. You know you mean the world to me and I want you to have everything your heart desires…”
“Yes…”
“One of the side effects that I was unfortunate enough to get is what’s called testicular inflammation.”
Encasing Tyler’s hand in hers, she felt him pulling away from her, but she wasn’t about to let go. “Tyler, what’s that? I mean, I know what testicular inflammation is, but I need you to tell me what that means.”
“It means that one of my balls swelled. And fuck me, it was that painful. When the doctor in Sydney told me that it was a possibility, I was fine. It wasn’t ’til I was in Switzerland a couple of weeks later that it flared up. Speedos are restrictive at the best of times, but this was another type of hell all together.”
“And…there’s still something you’re not telling me. I know you, Tyler, and I know how strong you are. This wouldn’t have sent you running. Tell me the rest.” Frustration was creeping into her voice. She’d asked him for the truth, and in his defence he was parting with it, but it was slow, painful, and an edited version. Ava needed the truth. The harsh, uncensored truth.
“There’s a chance I may not be able to have kids.”
Tyler’s words fell from his lips in a flourish in the same moment he pulled his hands back and rose to his feet. Ava didn’t know what to say next. Kids was something they’d never discussed. Sure, she’d thought about it in her bed at night when she was alone. What they’d look like, who they’d take after, their names, but not once had she allowed her musings to be spoken aloud. Tyler was pacing the room like a caged lion. She watched as he clenched and unclenched his fists at his side, while his stubbled jaw stayed strained.
“All right. You say a chance…what does that mean exactly?”
“It is what it is, Ava. It means I might not be able to be a father. Ever!” His voice was harsh and Ava felt herself physically recoil into the arm of the sofa. She knew he wasn’t angry at her, but it didn’t make her feel any better in that moment. He was angry at himself. Angry at the world. And Ava didn’t have a clue how to take that away from him.
“But there’s still a chance?”
“I guess.”
“Then why’d you give up? What did the doctors say when you asked them?”
>
Tyler stopped pacing and put his hands on his hips and looked straight at Ava. She felt like a fly caught in his web. His gaze was penetrating and intimidating all in the same moment. “I didn’t…I haven’t…I couldn’t…”
Funnelling all her frustration, the week’s worth of worry and her complete disappointment of Tyler’s chicken shit behaviour into one rant, Ava let loose. “So, let me just get this clear in my head, because I’ll admit, I’m a little confused right now. So okay, you got the mumps. We’re not sure how or when or why, it doesn’t really matter. You saw the doctor and they confirmed it, I’m assuming in Sydney, yes?” Tyler nodded solemnly and Ava continued. “So you freaked out and took off to Switzerland. There’s a chance, not a hundred percent chance, but a chance that you can’t have kids. You came home, and by the look of you and the bag on my bedroom floor, it’s safe to assume that you came straight here from the airport—”
“That’s correct.”
“So I guess the only question I have is…I don’t understand. Why does the possibility of you not being able to be a father impact so heavily on us?” As soon as the words were out, Ava wished she could take them back. Even though she meant each and every one, the way she’d said them made her cringe.
Chapter 31
On Dry Land (Swimming Upstream #3) Page 15