Tyler
He knew Ava hadn’t meant it the way it sounded, but he’d be damned if it didn’t still sting like an open wound filled with lemon juice. He’d naïvely hoped Ava would fill in the blanks for him so he didn’t have to, but that would mean fate would be on his side. Something he couldn’t rely on these days.
“Ava—”
“Just tell me already ’cause I’m driving myself insane here. Please, Tyler, please just put me out of my misery.”
“Ava, you deserve the world. You’re a wonderful, remarkable, and beautiful woman, and one day, Short Stack, you’re going to make an amazing mother. You deserve that. To be a mother. To have a family. And I can’t give that to you—”
“You don’t know that!”
“I do know that!”
“God, Tyler, you’ve given up without even knowing the truth. And seriously, talk about jumping the gun. Who says I even want kids? I mean, we haven’t even been together twelve months and you’re worrying about having kids?”
“Calm down, Ava, please. Just think about it for a minute, please.” The pleading in Tyler’s voice was pathetic and he knew it, but there was nothing he could do to hide it. Right now he was pathetic. No point hiding it.
“Don’t tell me to calm down, Tyler. You were the one who insisted, actually dragged me kicking and screaming out into the world. You thrust our relationship into the spotlight. Then you left me there. Alone. Exposed and alone, Tyler. Do you know how that felt? Do you have any idea how fucking humiliating it is? Being out on that limb all by myself?”
“Fuck, Ava! Do you think I don’t know what I’ve done? How much I hurt you? How fucked up my life is? How much I hated Switzerland? No, you don’t. You don’t understand and you can’t. My whole future, the whole life I thought I’d have has just been taken from me. I’ll never be a father, Ava. Never get the chance to have a son to carry my name or a daughter to wrap me around her little finger. You can still have that. That’s why I left you standing out there alone. Not because I didn’t love you. Not because I’m an asshole. Not because you weren’t pretty enough or smart enough or good enough or whatever else you twisted in your mind. No, Ava, the reason I left you was to give you a chance to have everything in life that you want. Everything you deserve.”
Tyler puffed. His speech had knocked the wind out of him. He was one of the fittest men in the country and yet his heartbreaking declaration had left him breathless and on the verge on doubling over in pain. It was all consuming. He felt light headed, his stomach clenched awaiting the next blow, and his chest felt like a steel band was wrapped around him, squeezing the oxygen from his body. But it was the moment he looked over at Ava that tripped him. She had tears streaming undisturbed down her rosy cheeks, her nose was running, and she’d wrapped her arms around her chest protectively, warding him off. He’d broken her. The one thing he’d hoped to avoid in this whole miserable drama, he’d achieved magnificently.
Unable to stand there a moment longer, Tyler took long strides down the hallway into her bedroom and scooped up his bag. He knew right now the only thing that could save her, save him, save them was space. Time and space. Only this time he wouldn’t be stupid enough to put an ocean between them.
“Where…are…you…going?” Ava hiccupped as she wiped her nose on the sleeve of his sweater.
The urge to run to her, wrap her in his arms, and hold her until the pain subsided was devastating. He fought it. Gritting his teeth and hoisting the bag higher on his shoulder, Tyler restrained himself.
Walking towards the door, Tyler felt like he was trudging through quicksand. Every step he stook was heavy. His head was assuring him he was doing the right thing in giving Ava some space, but his heart was protesting loudly. Maybe with some time and some space she’d be able to see he wasn’t doing what he wanted, but he was doing what was right. What was best for her in the long run.
Turning to look back over his shoulder was the worst thing he’d ever done and Tyler was sure it was an image that would be burnt into his brain forever. He’d done it. He’d destroyed her. Dropping his duffle at the door, Tyler had her wrapped in his arms in two steps. Beneath his arms he could feel her trembling as she fisted the front of his shirt and soaked the sleeve with her salty tears. Kissing her tenderly on the top of her head, he whispered into her neck as he hung on for dear life. “I’m going to head home, Short Stack. Get some sleep. I’ll call you,” he said half-heartedly as he fled, desperate to keep his own tears hidden.
If Tyler had thought even for a second that the more distance he put between them the easier it would be, then he was an even bigger idiot than he thought. Squeezing the steering wheel, he dodged in and out of traffic, willing the pain to subside. Five minutes from home and he didn’t feel any better. If anything, he felt worse. Grabbing his phone, he activated speaker and waited for Jonathan to answer.
“Well hello, Tyler. I was wondering how long it was going to take you to let me know you’d arrived safely back in the country.”
Tyler could hear the amusement in Jonathan’s voice but couldn’t see the funny side and he was in no mood to even bother trying. “Jonathan,” Tyler snapped gruffly. “I need you to do something.”
“Continue…”
“Whatever you have planned for me between now and trials, cancel it. I don’t care if it’s radio, TV, appearances, sponsorship, meetings, or whatever. I don’t want to invest. I don’t want to motivate. I don’t want to inspire. I just want to be left the fuck alone. Okay?”
“Are you kidding me right now? Have you even looked at your schedule? The run into trials is the busiest time for you—”
“Not anymore. Clear it, Jonathan! Today!” Tyler wasn’t in the mood to argue. All he wanted to do was get home, get changed, head to the gym, and beat this shit out of something until it didn’t hurt anymore.
“Tyler! Be reasonable! Go home, look at your calendar, then come back to me. We can probably cull some, but others…well, you don’t have a choice.”
“I always have a choice, Jonathan. For fuck’s sake, it’s my life.”
“You have commitments, Tyler. Contracts. You can’t’ just walk away from everything because you don’t wanna anymore. Or because your love life is in shambles. Grow up, Tyler. You get paid a lot of money for what you do, so grow a pair and put up with it.”
Taken back but Jonathan’s bluntness, Tyler looked down at his hands and realised they were shaking as he tried to hold the wheel. He knew he had contracts and deals and people depending on him, but he couldn’t deal with it. He wasn’t equipped. He didn’t want to. “You don’t know anything about my life, Jonathan. I employ you, so please, just for once, do what I ask. Cancel everything. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Before Jonathan had a chance to argue or complain, Tyler ended the call as he pulled into the underground car park. Moments later he was in his bedroom toeing of his shoes and throwing his bag in a heap on the floor, giving it a satisfying kick. Stripping off clothes, he left a trail as he made his way into the bathroom and stepped under the icy cold spray.
Minutes went by and gradually Tyler felt worse. Everything that had been brewing for weeks was about to push him past breaking point. With his hands pressed against the stark, white tiles and the icy water pounding his shoulders, Tyler finally let go. Tears ran from his eyes and gut-wrenching sobs racked his entire body. He didn’t know how long he stood there howling under the fluorescent lights, but the moment he turned off the tap he discovered how completely cathartic letting go really was. Barely pausing to dry off, Tyler yanked the towel of the rack and rubbed it across his bare back and shoulders before it too landed on the carpet. Tyler collapsed onto his bed. The exhaustion was total. It took less than a breath before the snoring began.
Chapter 32
Ava
For a long time Ava just sat on the floor, staring at the back of the door, willing Tyler to come back. Hoping he’d realise he’d made a mistake again and come back. But as the minutes turn
ed into hours, he didn’t come back. Ava curled into a ball and sobbed steadily. In her head, Ava understood what Tyler was doing. Or at least what he thought he was doing—acting all heroic and noble. Ava was struggling to convince her heart to agree. Instead, it just broke, shattered, into a million tiny pieces. If she thought Tyler leaving the country without a word hurt, then knowing why was pure hell.
Waking a few hours later, Ava found herself alone in the dark, curled in the foetal position, freezing. Clambering to her feet, she quickly realised lying on the floor wasn’t her smartest move. Her back ached and screamed for a good, long massage. Flicking on the lamp, she stumbled towards the bathroom and turned on the taps. Ava stepped under the steaming water and wished away her woes.
When she stepped out twenty minutes later, having used all of the hot water, her worries stepped out with her. Nothing made sense. Ava brushed her wet hair back from her forehead and wrapped herself in a towel. Stumbling into her bedroom, she flopped into the centre of the bed, yanked the blanket up over her, and promptly fell asleep.
Morning came all too soon and sunlight streamed in the open blinds, interrupting Ava’s sleep. With a loud yawn, Ava’s eyes fluttered open and reality set in. Tyler was gone. The life she’d dreamed of, the one she’d allowed herself to imagine and believe in, was gone. Unwrapping herself from the towel she’d slept in, Ava pulled on her baggiest sweats and found herself in the kitchen scrounging through the cupboards. She’d never been more grateful to anyone than she was to Tyler when she found food. Her stomach grumbled in appreciation. After a filling a bowl of Tyler’s delicious smelling concoction, Ava grabbed a fork and started shoveling. After a finishing off her meal with a handful of chocolate biscuits and a huge glass of icy orange juice Ava felt half human again.
Dropping her glass in the sink, Ava found herself sitting at her computer typing furiously. Hours passed but she barely noticed. Nothing mattered anymore other than taking out her feelings on her keyboard.
By Wednesday the lack of sleep and lack of care she was paying towards herself was obvious to anyone who dared to look. Her eyes were hollow and lifeless. Her hair hung like strands of straw down her back. Her enthusiasm and energy were long gone, leaving only her snarky, bitchy attitude behind. And everyone noticed.
“Ava?”
“What!” she snapped irritably.
“Whoa, girl! It’s me…” Ava turned and saw Amanda standing there, her hands out in front of her defensively.
“Sorry, I’m just—”
“Yeah, you’re just being a pain in everybody’s arse. What is going on? Tyler still not back?”
“He’s back,” Ava whispered as she slumped in her chair, dropped her pen, and spun to face Amanda for the first time.
“Well…I don’t…why are you…when…” Amanda spluttered
“He’s back. I don’t know anything more than that.”
Ava gulped. Even though it was the truth and she’d known it for days, it didn’t make it any easier to swallow. It was still bitter and stuck in her throat.
“I’ll be at your place at seven with wine and chocolate. You better be ready to start talking.”
“You don’t have to do that—” Ava protested but Amanda was no longer there. She’d turned and walked away, leaving Ava to drop her head in her hands. She wasn’t ready to talk. Not now. Maybe not ever.
With a heaviness she couldn’t shake, Ava turned her attention back to the stack of emails in front of her and started replying, but even that couldn’t make her mind stop spinning. As the afternoon dragged on, Ava made more mistakes than ever, even completely forgetting a meeting. By the time five o’clock hit, she was more than ready to get out of there.
Powering down her computer, Ava grabbed her bag and headed for the door. “Ava?” a deep voice called out.
With an exaggerated sigh, she turned to see who was responsible for ruining her escape. Matthew was standing in the doorway, leaning casually against the frame. Withholding the urge to roll her eyes, Ava stepped towards him and away from the open door. “Yep?”
“Got a second?”
Gulping, Ava wanted to run. She knew any conversation that began with ‘got a second’ or ‘can we talk’ never ended well, and she’d already been on the painful end of one of those this week. Ava wasn’t sure she’d survive a second.
“Not really…”
“It won’t take a minute. Come in.”
Nervously, Ava shuffled towards Matthew’s office and when he indicated the chair in front of her, Ava flopped into it, clutching her bag to her stomach. When the door clicked shut, she knew she had issues. Big ones. Matthew never shut the door. She could count on her hand the number of times he’d closed the door in a meeting over the last year. Now she was on the wrong side of the glass panel. With her pulse taking off like she was being chased by a cheetah, Ava forced herself to concentrate on her breathing. In and out. In and out.
Summoning all the strength she had left, Ava raised her eyes and caught Matthew’s concerned gaze. “What’s up?”
“That’s funny. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
“Nothing’s up with me, I’m fine. You?”
“Nice try. I know you too well to know that’s the truth. So, come on. Spit it out. What’s going on?”
“Seriously, nothing. I’m fine.”
“You damn women and your ‘fine,’” he said, using air quotes.
Ava couldn’t stifle the giggle. Matthew was right. ‘Fine’ was the universal female response when they just didn’t want to talk about it. Or they did, but you weren’t the person they wanted to talk about it with. “It’s nothing really. I’m just tired.”
“Keep talking.” It wasn’t encouragement but more so a direction.
“I’ve been writing all week. Up way too late in front of the computer. I’m still getting everything done, or at least I thought I was?”
“Ava,” Matthew softened instantly. “This isn’t about your work. I don’t have any doubts in my mind that you aren’t doing your work. You always get it done. That’s not even a question. I’m more worried about you.”
Shaking her head, Ava pushed back an escaped curl. “You really don’t need to. I’m doing okay. Just burning the candle at both ends. I’ll try to get some sleep tonight, that’ll help. And I’ll be back to my annoying self in no time.”
“Sounds great.” Matthew groaned.
“Is there anything else?” Ava eyed the closed door and the questioning looks she was being shot from her co-workers. If they hadn’t noticed she was off the last couple of days, then the closed door was a giveaway.
Ava could tell Matthew wasn’t fully on board with her answer, but he didn’t push her further. For that she was grateful. “Nope. Get out of here. Get some sleep and maybe even try eating something once in a while?”
“Will do,” Ava promised as she rose from the chair and pulled open the door, taking a deep breath. She hadn’t realised until that moment how stifled she’d felt in the closed office.
“Oh and Ava. Talk to Jake. I don’t know what’s got him all riled up or what you two are disagreeing about this week, but he’s worried about you. He even rang me to help.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. So he must be worried.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. Now get out of here!”
Ava almost ran to her car. She felt like the walls were closing in on her. She hated people seeing her. Remaining invisible had always been her thing. She didn’t like people watching her yet it seemed they all were. Watching and judging.
Sliding behind the wheel of her Jeep, Ava dropped her head on the steering wheel. She had to give the car back. She couldn’t keep it, even if she wanted to, and she really did—after all it was a damn nice drive—she just couldn’t. Just climbing in made her remember him.
“Fuck!” she swore as she started the engine and took off out of the car park like a bat out of hell.
By the tim
e Amanda arrived, Ava had already devoured half a block of chocolate and was pouring the last of the wine into her glass. Her intentions had never been to get wasted, but just relaxed enough to endure Amanda’s torturous interrogation. The first glass went down so well and tasted so good that she poured a second. Then a third. Then the rest.
“Come on in. Welcome to hell!” Ava invited, waving her arms wildly.
“Are you drunk or something?”
“Or something. Definitely something.”
Taking a huge gulp, Ava barely even tasted it. Her head was fuzzy and she liked it that way. She felt lighter than she had in days. Nothing hurt anymore. Not her head and not her heart. It was exactly what she’d been after.
“Here, I brought pizza, ice cream, and wine. From the looks of you though, you started without me,” Amanda chastised handing her the pizza and heading for the kitchen. After stuffing the ice cream in the freezer, she grabbed herself a glass and poured a generous splash.
Ava opened the cardboard box and the scent of melted cheese and onions assaulted her, making her stomach turn over violently. Quickly, she slammed shut the box and backed away, covering her mouth and nose with the back of her hand.
“Shit, Ava! Are you okay? You look green,” Amanda asked worriedly as she took the glass from Ava’s shaky hand.
“I…I’m not sure. I’m just gonna sit for a minute,” Ava answered honestly as she slumped onto the couch holding her stomach.
From the corner of her eye, Ava watched Amanda flit about her kitchen. After bringing her a glass of water, she put the pizza, box and all, in the oven and Ava felt instantly better. “So, you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“With?”
“Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you. What’s going on with you? With Tyler? With your house. Seriously Ava, you’re normally a neat freak, yet this place looks like a tornado went through.”
“It’s not that bad,” Ava defended as she dropped her head back against the top of the couch and closed her eyes, willing the room to stop spinning.
On Dry Land (Swimming Upstream #3) Page 16