by Laurie Lyons
John smiled at her, "Impressive."
Lucy smiled and nodded back. People started yelling more requests.
"The periodic table."
"Do Shakespeare."
"Catcher in the Rye." But Lucy had had enough and she elbowed Anastasia lightly.
Anastasia knew the signal. "People, we are here to party – I vote we dance! Crank it Simon!" she announced to the room. Simon didn't have to be told twice, he reached for the dial and turned the music up to deafening levels. Anastasia jumped up and pulled Lucy and Paige with her. Lucy danced for several songs, laughing and joking with everyone around her. It felt good to relax. She reflected that nothing had to change unless she chose it to. Good music, great friends and laughter surrounded her. Lucy had options.
Lucy didn't have to find Nathaniel again; her life was good, great in fact. If she figured out a way to call him it would be bringing problems and heartache into her life. Why would she do that? Now that she was almost sure of what he was, why did she need to call him? Lucy's life didn't have to change; her reality could stay the same. He would go on and haunt some other unsuspecting girl – a girl that needed an Angel in her life. Lucy didn't need saving, she was perfectly happy. Lucy had options.
She excused herself from the group and made her way down the hall to the bathroom. There were no women's bathrooms in the men's dorms and the girls never wanted to go down to the public bathrooms on the main floor. The rule during parties was the boys avoided the urinals and only used the stalls allowing both sexes to share the bathroom. Lucy walked in without a worry. A few girls were at the mirrors preening themselves and Lucy chatted with them while she washed her hands. She said goodbye to them and opened the bathroom door. A guy she didn't know stood in the hallway, leaning against the opposite wall.
"If you are waiting for the bathroom to be empty, you'll wait all night. Just use a stall, the girls don't care," she explained politely to him while starting to walk past.
"Actually," he said, his voice deep but smooth as silk, "I was waiting for you." Lucy looked at him. He was tall and built with light blond hair that was slicked back on his high forehead. He had bright, clear blue eyes under dark lashes. His jawline was strong and his cheekbones high. He was handsome, very handsome in fact. Lucy was reminded of a GQ ad she once saw. He smiled at her a charming, disarming smile. Then something occurred to Lucy. This was the second stunningly gorgeous man she had met in the past forty-eight hours. The coincidence was unnerving. What if this guy was invisible too? What if she was a magnet for Angels lost on Earth – some kind of homing beacon for the divinely confused? The three girls came out of the bathroom and Lucy's fears dissipated. They stopped and stared at the guy before starting to giggle and skipped down the hall.
"Have fun Lucy!" one of the girls yelled back over her shoulder. So this guy wasn't invisible. That was good.
"I'm Roman," he said reaching out his hand. Lucy took it, he was strong but she was a little disappointed that's all she felt. Here was a totally gorgeous guy at a party who wasn't invisible. Why couldn't she get tingles from him?
"I'm Lucy," she said, "Roman huh, is that your real name or…?"
"Yes, it's a little embarrassing," he looked down sheepishly and grinned. "My mom is a huge fan of 'Days of Our Lives' and there's a character on there…"
"Roman Brady," Lucy grinned.
"Uh huh," he scratched the back of his head, "Like I said, embarrassing."
"Not at all," Lucy replied earnestly, "I think it suits you." Why couldn't she get the butterflies from this smile? He was cute, sweet and not a lost soul.
"You think so? Thanks," he paused, "that was pretty cool in there with the Dr. Seuss stuff."
"Party tricks," Lucy shrugged. "What's your major?"
"Third year engineering."
Lucy winced. "That's tough stuff."
"You could say that. It gets to you sometimes. Some people more than others."
"Like how?" Lucy had to admit that she was pretending to be interested. She wanted to like this guy. Why couldn't she like him more?
"Well, this girl in my fluid dynamics class had a breakdown yesterday."
"What happened?" This was an interesting story, why didn't she care?
"She stood up on her chair and twisted her body into the shape of a sigma," he said smiling.
Lucy pictured the sigma symbol; S. "I would imagine that would be difficult."
Roman laughed. "Oh it was, we wouldn't have known what she was doing if she hadn't kept saying 'look I'm a sigma' over and over again until they dragged her away."
"That's horrible," Lucy said laughing, "funny, but horrible."
"Uh huh, after they took her away the prof just kept on teaching like nothing had happened."
Lucy laughed again. "That's insane."
"That's engineering for you," he stopped laughing and looked at her, his eyes were a light bright blue, they sparkled, "you have a wonderful laugh."
Lucy felt uncomfortable and she had to ask her self why. Here was a really nice, really funny, really good-looking guy giving her a compliment. Why did it feel so wrong? Why couldn't she see this as an option?
She changed the subject, "So why aren't you crazy?"
"I give myself Saturday nights off," he shrugged. "So far it has worked."
"Good idea," Lucy had nothing more to say to him and was about to excuse herself but he jumped in.
"I have no plans for next Saturday."
"Oh?" Lucy's discomfort increased.
"Yeah," he continued. "If you are free maybe we can do something?" He gave her a hopeful look. Roman seemed great; he had no baggage, no secret life and no mysteries about him. Why wasn't Lucy jumping at the chance to go out with him? Why wasn't she taking this option? Would she always wonder what would have happened if she had found Nathaniel again? Would she wake up every day and ask 'what if?'
For the first time in twenty-four hours, Lucy allowed herself to bring Nathaniel's face to mind. Her memory allowed her to see him perfectly, not clouded by emotions or wishes. What she saw still stunned her. His face was perfection and infinitely more beautiful than Roman's or anyone in the world for that matter. He smiled at her in her mind's eye. It was the smile that felt like it was hers and hers alone. It was warm, caring and full of genuine joy. She heard his voice, so full of disappointment and pain that she wanted to cry all over again, 'If you ever need me again, you just have to call me.' Lucy realized that if she was the only person who could see him he was literally alone now. She had tossed him out screaming like a banshee. He had no one - no one but her.
She was out of options.
Roman cleared his throat awkwardly. Lucy had forgotten all about him, "Oh, yeah. Sorry, I can't go out with you. I am going to be busy on Saturday." She started to move down the hall.
"Oh," Roman rallied. "Well maybe some other time." Lucy thought about that option but it didn't sound good to her either.
"No," she said not making an effort to spare his feelings. "I'm going to be busy for a while." Lucy ran down the stairs, she had to get home…now.
Lucy would never get him out of her head. She would never get him out of her heart. She didn't care anymore that no one could see him but her, all she cared about was that she see him and soon. Lucy had never needed a guy in her life and she had spent the past two days convincing herself of that. She should have been convincing herself that people could need each other. With out her he was alone and without him Lucy was a mess. She could go to as many parties and meet as many guys as she wanted to but none of it would cover him up or make him go away. Lucy realized with a shock that she needed him desperately, not to save her or complete her but because she didn't think she could have it any other way. Lucy was out of options and knew deep down she had only ever had one.
Lucy got back to her room, turned on the lights and began to pace. "How do you call an Angel?" she asked out loud. She searched her brain for any clue he had given her. "The leaf!" she cried and leapt for her school bag.
She rifled through it until she found her copy of Hamlet and turned the book upside down. Nothing. She flipped the pages, nothing. She knew she had put the leaf back in there, where did it go? She pulled everything out of her bag, nothing.
Then panic struck her. What if the leaf had been a part of his…magic…she thought for lack of a better word. What if the leaf disappeared when he did? What if she was too late? What if he was gone for good? The panic increased. No, no she wasn't done yet. After she had finally accepted how integral he was to her, he was gone? That wasn't fair. Lucy scrambled for other ideas. She looked through the programmed numbers in her phone thinking he might have left something in there, nothing. She tore her room apart, throwing cushions and clothes out of her way looking for a note, another leaf or anything he might have left behind, nothing. She was desperate now. Why was this so hard? How could it be so easy to be around him and yet it was so difficult to reach him?
Then she thought that that might be the key. He was so genuine, so earnest that this shouldn't be difficult. She was thinking too hard. He had told her to 'just call him'. Could it be that easy? Could he hear her? It was worth a shot. She stood in the middle of the room, took a deep breath and in a normal voice as if he were in the hall she called his name,
"Nathaniel." It was the first time Lucy had said his name out loud and she was surprised by how familiar it felt. His name rolled off her tongue like she had said it a thousand times. There was silence. Lucy listened to her blood pumping through her head, the tick of her clock and her short uneven breathing. Nothing.
Her phone let out a piercing, shocking ring. Lucy jumped. She didn't look at the caller id as she slowly leaned over picked it up, opened it and put it gently to her ear, "Hello?" she said in almost a whisper.
"Hey loser it's me," Anastasia bellowed through the earpiece. Lucy let out a gust of air. There goes that idea.
"Hey Stasia, you ok?"
"Yes, thanks for saying good bye asshole. Anyway, sorry to wake you but you know that guy Roman? Jane said she saw you guys talking in the hall."
"Yeah, what about him?" Lucy tucked the phone against her shoulder and started pulling books from her shelf and flipping through them thinking he might have left something in another volume.
"Well listen, he's gorgeous and so cool and I was wondering how into him you are?" Lucy smiled. At least Roman was moving on quickly and she had to agree, he was cool.
"I am not into him at all."
"Really?" Anastasia sounded thrilled.
"Nope, give it your all."
"Oh I intend to sweetheart, go back to bed. Love you bye." The phone went dead and Lucy closed it and put it back on the table. She didn't know what to do next. She thought she should try calling him again. That had felt like the right answer and maybe he didn't hear her the first time. Maybe she had to be clearer.
She took another deep breath and called a little louder this time, "Nathaniel, can you come? I need you." There was a knock at the door. Lucy rolled her eyes. What now? She moved quickly to the door and whipped it open. Nathaniel stood there, leaning against her doorframe smiling the most dazzling smile Lucy had ever seen.
"You only ever have to call me once Lucy," he said. "I will always come."
Chapter Six
Truths
"Reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination
is the organ of meaning."
~CS Lewis
Lucy was so relieved and surprised to see Nathaniel that she threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He responded immediately by holding her tightly to him. She tucked her face into his neck and breathed deeply, taking him all in. Finally she pulled back and they grinned at each other.
"Come in," Lucy said. She reluctantly let him go and lead him inside. Nathaniel walked in and he didn't seem to notice the state of Lucy's room. Her frantic search had left the room looking like she had just been robbed. He sat down on the couch and Lucy sat across from him. She had been so obsessed with getting him here she hadn't thought of what she would say when he arrived. There was a moment of silence.
"Are you an Angel?" Lucy came right out with it. It felt better to say it out loud.
"Yes, I am," he replied not sounding shocked at all by the question.
"Why didn't you tell me last night?"
"I was going to, but you kicked me out before I could. Plus I don't think you would have believed me."
"You could have still tried to tell me!" she exclaimed thinking that would have made her day so much easier.
"You told me to answer your questions," he said with half a smile. "You didn't ask."
"From now on," Lucy put on her best scolding voice, "you are to offer up any and all information."
"Got it," he saluted her. There was a pause as Lucy waited expectantly, "Oh! Right now?"
"Of course right now!" Lucy said laughing. She waited but Nathaniel seemed unsure of where to start, "So you're an Angel," Lucy prompted.
"Yes."
"So you are a dead person whose soul ascended to Heaven?"
"When you put it that way…."
"Well, were you ever alive and visible and everything?"
"I think so," he replied thoughtfully, "because things seem familiar, but I don't remember ever being mortal."
"So you are Nathaniel, the Arch Angel right?" Lucy asked hoping she put that the right way. She didn't want to insult him.
"No Lucy, there is more than one Nathaniel in Heaven. That's a different guy," he explained. "I am a lower Angel, the longer you are up there, the more responsibilities you are given."
Lucy nodded understanding, "I read about different levels of Angelic Order and…"
Nathaniel was shaking his head. "We don't have levels with names and graduations to the next level and stuff, when you are ready to take on more responsibility, you do."
"How long have you been in Heaven?"
He shook his head again. "I have no idea, time means very little up there. A second can seem like a hundred years and a hundred years can feel like a second. Time is an Earthly concept."
"What were your responsibilities?" Lucy asked completely out of curiosity. What kind of job does one have in Heaven?
"Nothing really, I helped guide people in," he shrugged.
"Like a divine tour guide? The welcome wagon?"
Nathaniel laughed. "I guess, but most people don't need much help, once you get there it's all pretty clear. No brochures or maps are required."
"So there is a Heaven." Lucy thought she would make this point very clear for her own understanding.
"Oh yes," Nathaniel replied with confidence.
"And that is where we go when we die?"
"Not everyone and not everyone right away."
"So there is also a Hell then," Lucy said coming to her own conclusion.
"Yes," Nathaniel nodded, "not that I've been there but there is an awareness that there is another place."
"Why don't you know?" Lucy asked confused. Were these people divine or what?
"Lucy," he said with a little laugh, "it's not like we are invited down for meetings or anything. There is no contact between the two Guilds."
"So do you have to believe in God to go to Heaven?"
"I don't know what people believe in before they get there, I only know that they believe when they get there."
"So there is a God," Lucy again stated this as fact.
"Oh yes," he said with conviction.
"What's he like?"
Nathaniel shrugged a little like he was lost for words, "It's not like God is sitting behind a desk and you check in or anything or even that he is a he or that God's name is God… it's just easier to call God that. People call God a lot of different names and they are all correct."
"What does he look like?" Lucy asked again needing specifics.
Again, Nathaniel struggled for words, "I don't really know. God is just there, you kind of feel God more than see God."
"This is not as concrete as I was
hoping for," Lucy muttered sourly.
Nathaniel looked frustrated too, "It's hard to explain, I'm sorry."
"Ok, so what is Heaven like?" she emphasized the word 'like' hoping for adjectives.
He thought for a minute before answering. "There are moments in our lives that are so wonderful, so joyous, so breathtaking that we can't find words for it. It is as if the human language is insufficient to describe it. Those moments are a gift from God. God gives you these pieces of Heaven so you know what to look forward to. That's what Heaven is like. There are no words to describe it." He looked at her eagerly, hoping that this would explain everything. Unfortunately, Lucy could not think of one time in her life that she could not describe with precise detail. She had never been at a loss for words. She nodded understanding to him anyway because it was obvious he was giving it his best shot and she didn't want to harass him about it.
"Ok," she said moving on. "Then who are the Guardian Angels that watch over people?"
"Exactly that," he replied simply, "they are Angels in Heaven that watch over people."
"So when people say that something good happened to them it was because of their Guardian Angel?"
"Not really, Angels won't make you win the lottery or get a promotion or make you thinner, that's not the way it works."
"How does it work?" Lucy was enthralled.
"They help in ways that they can," Lucy shook her head, not comprehending.
"Ok," Nathaniel shifted on the couch thinking of an example. "So there is a mother of five having trouble making ends meet. She's a receptionist at a huge company. Christmas is coming; she has no money to buy gifts for her kids or a turkey or anything. She's panicked. The Vice President of the company walks past her everyday and has never looked at her twice in the two years she has worked there, he just picks up his mail and walks away."
"So an Angel makes the guy give her money right?" Lucy cut in pleased she was getting the concept.
"No, not at all," Nathaniel corrected. Lucy almost pouted at getting the answer wrong. Nathaniel leaned forward as if delivering a punch line. "An Angel makes the Vice President look at the receptionist."