Romance By The Book

by Jo Victor

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  The journey back to Bramfell was a subdued one. Everyone seemed to be exhausted from operating on little or no sleep and dealing with all the emotional ups and downs of the banquet and its aftermath. When Cam followed Alex through the front door of Dawson House, set the bags down in the foyer, and shut the door, she took a moment to listen. The house was still as still—Sunday quiet, not even the odd creak or rattle. No Mrs. Tate, apparently no cat, maybe even no Janet, at least at the moment. Just her and Alex.

  She opened her arms and Alex came to her, clasping her around the waist as Cam held her close.

  “Oh, sweetheart,” Alex whispered, “it’s good to be home.”

  “That it is,” said Cam, thinking not of the house but of the woman in her arms. “What say you make us a nice cuppa while I put the cases upstairs?”

  “As long as you don’t insist on putting them in the bathroom this time.”

  “You’ve only yourself to blame for that, as well you know.” She kissed Alex. “Put them anywhere, she says, and then complains when I do just what she asked. If I live to be a hundred, I swear I’ll never understand women.”

  Alex laughed. “So what does that make you, then, besides a stubborn—”

  The list of her many virtues was cut off by the phone ringing. Alex went into the study to answer it and Cam followed her.

  “I bet it’s Nicola,” Alex said as she answered. “Hello…Oh, hello, Barbara.” Alex sat abruptly.

  Cam’s stomach clenched.

  “No, this isn’t a bad time.” Alex caught Cam’s eye and silently mouthed, “Sorry.”

  Cam sat as well, telling herself not to worry. After all, the woman was supervising Alex’s research, so she might have any number of good reasons to ring her.

  “No, I didn’t realize you’d been trying to reach me.”

  Just because she’d upset Alex the last time they’d talked didn’t necessarily mean she would this time.

  “I’m sorry, I just never bothered to get one. I know everybody else on the planet has a cell phone, but I haven’t needed one here. Things are different in Bramfell.”

  There was a long pause. So the woman was finally getting round to actually talking to Alex instead of rabbiting on about how upset she was about not being able to talk to her.

  “No, I haven’t seen the papers or been online. Yes, it was quite an eventful evening. The Arts section in the Globe? And the New York Times? Really? Did they spell my name right? Oh. Oh, well. Just a moment.”

  She put her hand over the receiver and said to Cam, “They quoted me in the paper. I think I’m almost sort of famous.” She leaned over and gave Cam a quick peck on the cheek. To Barbara she said, “Well, I certainly appreciate you calling to tell me…Oh. Okay, so why did you…What? Are you serious? Oh…Oh, oh!” Grabbing Cam’s hand, she murmured excitedly, “She’s found me a job.”

  “That’s wonderful,” Cam whispered back, hoping the dismay didn’t show on her face. If Alex had to start a job right after her grant ended, there wouldn’t be any extra time for them to spend together. Still, that was months off.

  Alex listened for another moment. “Wow, tenure track. That really is a miracle. How soon after the Brockenbridge ends would I need to…What do you mean now? Now, as in this week? You can’t be serious. Oh, you mean for an interview. Wait…What? I don’t understand. But how is that even possible? I’m barely halfway through my dissertation…Oh, okay.”

  Something was very wrong. The look on Alex’s face, her voice, her body language. Cam’s heart filled with dread.

  “Oh. Yes, I understand…By Friday? Can I think about it and let you know?…Yes, by this afternoon…Yes, yes, of course I’m grateful. It’s just so sudden and I need…You’re right, it is exactly what I’ve been hoping for. Yes, it really is a dream come true. Thank you, Barbara.”

  She rang off and just sat for a moment, staring straight ahead. When she turned to face Cam, there were tears in her eyes.

  Gently, Cam took Alex by the hand and drew her out of her seat and over onto her lap. For a while she just held her, rubbing her back softly as she cried. Cam herself didn’t cry—she couldn’t. It was like everything inside her was frozen.

  Eventually Alex started talking, explaining what her supervisor had said about somebody’s massive heart attack and how she had to get Alex hired to fill the post before someone else got back from a trip and interfered, but Cam just let the words wash over her, not trying to listen. She didn’t need to know the details when she already knew the only thing that mattered. Alex was leaving—not in a few months, but in a few days.

  And she wasn’t just going to another place, she was starting another life. One that Cam wouldn’t be part of, couldn’t be part of. She’d put on the yokel act at the banquet for a laugh, but she needn’t have bothered. She could have been her ordinary self and they’d have looked down their noses just as much. Not that she minded, really, not for herself, but they’d looked at Alex that way, too, just for being with her.

  Cam knew that the longer the two of them stayed together, the worse it would get. And sooner or later, Alex might start thinking that way as well. Cam didn’t think she’d be able to survive if she ever saw that look in Alex’s eyes, the one that said You are less than I am.

  Besides, Alex was a scholar, and thanks to the poems she had found, she was going to be a famous one—Ian had said so himself last night, though Alex hadn’t seemed to realize what he meant. It wasn’t so much the fact that she had found them—anyone might have done that. The poems spoke to her, called to something inside her, and Alex responded. When she talked about them, something special happened.

  And if Cam could see that, could feel that specialness, others would, too. Alex was going to be teaching and giving speeches and writing books, and all the other things she was born to do, among folk from universities and museums and places like the Foundation. That was the world she belonged in.

  But there was no room in that world for Cam.

  She had known it all along, deep inside. Still, she had let herself hope that in time they would find a way, in spite of everything, to stay together.

  But now they were out of time, and Alex had to leave.

  Stubborn as she was, though, Alex was bound to fight against what was best for her. So it would be up to Cam to come up with a way to get her to do what had to be done. Almost by reflex, she tightened her hold on Alex, who had finally gone silent. How could she possibly let her go? Not just let her go, make her go?

  Cam knew that if she succeeded, it was going to destroy her, but she could worry about that later. All she had to do at the moment was cut her own heart out without letting the wound show too much; she’d have plenty of time to bleed after Alex had gone.

  *

  Alex sat there wrapped in Cam’s arms, but the solid warmth of her, the feeling of those strong arms around her, didn’t comfort her. She might as well have been a thousand miles away, already across the ocean and gone. Everything inside her felt dead. But underneath the numbness, her mind was circling round and round like an animal in a cage, gone mad with trying to escape when no escape was possible. She wanted to howl, she wanted to throw things, but there wasn’t any point.

  Of course she could turn the job down. But academia was really a very small place. She doubted Barbara would be vindictive enough to badmouth her, but then again she wouldn’t need to. Once word got around—and word always got around—that Alex had been offered a prime position and refused it, a lot of places would assume there must be something wrong with her, personally or professionally. With so many excellent candidates vying for every job, why take a chance on her?

  The worst of it was that if she told Barbara no, she’d never know for sure what she had given up—what she might have accomplished, what she might have created and contributed. And she wouldn’t only be letting down herself, but all the people who had helped her and believed in her—Janet not the least of them.

  Not
to mention Artemisia herself. There was something about the new poems that made Alex feel connected to her in a way that she couldn’t explain or even really understand. She just knew that it was real. She couldn’t imagine letting that go, actually choosing to leave the task of exploring Artemisia’s best work to someone else.

  But oh, sweet Goddess, she couldn’t bear to lose Cam. Just the thought of it was tearing her apart. She felt Cam’s arms tighten around her, and she buried her face in Cam’s shoulder.

  But she knew that even if she stayed with Cam, there were no guarantees. They were still discovering each other, still learning what it meant to be together. They’d hardly talked about the future in any serious way, just spun dreams of what might be. And there were so many practical issues to overcome if she did try to stay—getting official permission to remain in England, finding a way to earn a living, probably a lot of other things she hadn’t even thought of yet.

  If only she could just fall asleep now and wake up to discover it had all been a nightmare, that she didn’t have to choose between the two parts of her life, the two parts of herself. She wasn’t sure if she could survive losing either one.

  *

  Cam felt the shudder rack Alex’s body.

  “Oh, Cam, what are we going to do?”

  Cam braced herself. “We’re not going to do a thing. You, on the other hand, are going to book a flight and pack your gear.”

  “The hell I am.” Alex pushed away from Cam and got to her feet. “Sweetheart, you can’t be serious. I can’t just leave. I can’t.”

  Cam stood as well. “Of course you can. You were going to leave from day one. We both know that. We’ve just been fooling ourselves, that’s all, and fooling each other.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “We’ve pretended that you wouldn’t have to go—well, you’ve been pretending, and I’ve been letting you.” Cam worked to keep her eyes hard and her tone flat—a little angry, but not too much. She needed to be convincing, which meant not overdoing it.

  “That’s not fair. I want to stay with you—I do. It’s not my fault that I’m here on a grant. If I hadn’t gotten the damn thing, I’d never have come at all. I’d never even have seen you.”

  “True enough, I reckon. And it’s not as if you held a gun to my head to get me to climb into bed with you. That’s my fault as much as yours.”

  “Fault? Climb into bed? What the hell is wrong with you? It hasn’t even been a whole day since you were telling me how much you loved me and how we belonged together, and now you’re talking as if all we have is some cheap, sleazy—damn it!”

  Alex stalked out of the study and into the foyer, muttering under her breath. It didn’t sound like English. Cam felt the ghost of a smile tugging at her, even though her stomach felt like she had swallowed broken glass. God, she loved this woman.

  But this wasn’t about what she needed. If she really loved Alex, she had to make this work.

  Cam went as far as the doorway and stood with her arms crossed, watching Alex pace back and forth. “I’m not trying to insult you, Alex. I just think perhaps we got a bit carried away, is all.” Alex glared at her and seemed about to launch into another tirade, but Cam didn’t pause. “What with the excitement, and the goings on at the banquet, and then the champagne afterward. I’m sure at the time both of us thought we meant the things we said.” That earned her a death glare. “But here, now, in this moment, can you honestly say you didn’t go a bit further with it than you would have under normal circumstances? I’m not sure I can.”

  Alex came to a stop in front of Cam. She looked stricken. “Are you saying you don’t love me?”

  She wasn’t strong enough to lie. “Don’t make me answer that, Alex.” The look on Alex’s face was tearing her apart, but she couldn’t let herself stop. “Oh, I’ll hate to see you go. It’ll hurt, and no mistake, just like it’ll hurt for you to leave. But after a while it won’t hurt so much, not for either one of us.”

  “I can’t believe this. This is crazy.”

  “No, I’ll tell you what’s crazy.” Something shifted inside her, and words came tumbling out, filled with unexpected heat. “Getting a chance at a job—and not just any job, a really good one, the sort you’ve said all along you barely had a hope of getting, and deciding to turn it down for no reason at all. That’s not just foolish, it’s bloody damn insane.”

  “No reason? I love you, goddamn it.”

  “Love won’t keep a roof over your head or food on the table.” She wasn’t pretending now. She was angry—really angry. “I’ve been working day in, day out since I was so small I could barely hold a hammer, been the breadwinner since I was sixteen, and you know what I’ve got to show for it? These.” She held up her hands and turned them back and forth so Alex could see the calluses, scars, and scratches.

  “I don’t understand.”

  Cam crossed her arms again. “I reckon you don’t. No more should you, for all that. I expect you’ve never known what it’s like to worry if the money will stretch another few days till the next bit of work comes along, or what it’s like when it doesn’t and you just have to do without.” She laughed, but there was no humor in it. “You know, you and Rosamund make quite a pair.”

  “What?”

  “The two of you last night—her screeching her head off over having a thousand pounds handed to her on a platter, and you waving away the very same thousand pounds because you couldn’t be bothered to fight for it. Like it was beneath you to soil your hands over something so small.”

  Alex was staring at her in horror.

  “Only it’s not small, is it, not to someone like me. But I reckon I’m just too common and ignorant to know any better. Take the bloody job, Alex. Get on a plane and go back where you belong, and let me get on with my life.”

  Cam shouldered her way past Alex and headed out the front door, letting it slam behind her. From somewhere upstairs, an answering slam sounded.

  Moving like a sleepwalker, Alex went up to the door and put her hand against the wood. It felt cold and solid and much too real. She bent forward and rested her forehead against it for a moment, pushing down the tears trying to force their way to the surface. She raised a fist and pounded against the wood, as hard as she could, over and over, until the physical pain finally broke through.

  Spinning around, she set her back against the door and slid down to the floor. For a long time she sat there, cradling her throbbing hand against her chest. Her mind held nothing but the way Cam had looked at her just before she turned away, the sound of Cam’s voice saying, “Go back where you belong.”

  At some point, Grace showed up, approaching cautiously and sniffing at her as if uncertain of her identity. After a while, she came closer. When Alex didn’t immediately respond, Grace head-butted her and Alex absently began to stroke her and scratch under her chin. Usually this kind of treatment made Grace purr loudly, but she remained silent except for one or two inquiring whimpers.

  Eventually Grace gave up and moved back out of petting range, giving Alex an unhappy meow before stalking away. Alex got to her feet and went to make her calls.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Somehow Alex got through what was left of her time in Bramfell, staggering around, only half aware. Throwing a few essentials into her carryon, then sleeping away most of Sunday. Dragging herself up on Monday, explaining things as best she could to Mrs. Tate, who visibly had to restrain herself from offering opinions or advice, merely promising to have the rest of Alex’s belongings packed and shipped. Trying unsuccessfully to reach Ian, who was apparently sealed off from outside communication in his marathon of a meeting. But mostly searching everywhere for Cam, who was nowhere to be found and wasn’t answering her phone.

  And always, she was cold, so cold, deep inside where nothing could help.

  She spent Monday afternoon on the moor, hoping she’d find Cam wandering somewhere along an isolated path, but with no success. The approach of sunset finally
drove her back to the village. She headed up to Highgate Hall to see Nicola, who made congratulatory noises but was clearly appalled by the sudden change in circumstances.

  “I still don’t understand what it is your Barbara is doing,” Nicola said.

  “She’s not my Barbara. Not anymore—if she ever was.”

  “Fair enough. Regardless, you won’t have your degree for months yet, will you?”

  “No, not until I finish my dissertation and defend it. Technically I’m not qualified for the position that opened up—and I’m not sure I would be even with a brand new Ph.D. But somehow she managed to convince whoever is responsible to finagle things based on—get this—the publicity that my new find will generate, and the need to snap me up while they have a chance, before some other school outbids them.” Alex forced herself to unclench her jaw. “She told me all about it when I called her back to say I’d take the job. She actually told me to be sure I was ready for the press conference.”

  “Oh no.”

  “So much for her promise of secrecy. I’ve tried calling Ian to warn him, but I haven’t been able to reach him. Can you make sure he gets the word in case my messages don’t get through, so the Foundation can make the announcement before she does? I feel bad enough about what’s happening without having to add that to it.”

  “Of course I will. Is that why she’s in such a rush?”

  “That, and the need to finish getting everything settled before some dean gets back from wherever he went and puts a stop to all of it. I hate politics.”

  Nicola sighed. “So you really are going through with this. I can barely believe it.”

  “I don’t see that I have much choice.” She knew her tone was bitter, but she couldn’t help it. “Besides, if I don’t do this now, I’ll just have to go through it all later with some other school, except that the job offer probably won’t be as good. Why put off the inevitable, as…as somebody pointed out to me recently. Especially if there’s no reason for me to stick around.”