Shadows Of Regret

by Greenwood, Ross

  ‘Irina, why are we dressed up like this? It seems a little over-the-top for three blokes.’

  ‘We look fabulous to have fun downstairs. It will be quiet here until eleven. Only those who don’t want to be seen drink here. Oksana can handle it until then. I am hostess later when she may dance. It is easy job. I get drinks, be nice to people, cool down tempers. Some men like to watch ladies’ dancing.’

  ‘It sounds a bit sleazy.’

  A man’s voice interrupts. ‘How dare you?’

  I didn’t hear Radic approach. I jump so high, I’m pleased I’m still in my clothes. He smiles at my scared face.

  ‘Relax, It’s a joke. It is grubby. That’s its purpose.’

  I sense Irina disappear to give the man his drink.

  ‘And what purpose is that?’

  ‘In my line of work, I need somewhere safe to do business. My acquaintances enjoy being distracted. Here, we can experience a good time, among friends. Watch entertainment while having a conversation.’

  ‘They don’t appear to be doing much chatting together?’

  Radic shouts out to the men. They rise out of their seats and head towards a booth. I study their craggy faces as they walk past. It’s obvious these men experienced tough lives. Pain or sadness has erased their emotions. Violence removed their good looks. In their eyes, there is nothing. I involuntarily shudder as they sit in the booth in silence. Radic’s laugh draws my attention back to the conversation.

  ‘Perhaps they are sleepy. Now, tell me. How did you end up in my club?’

  ‘Irina brought me.’

  ‘Yes, but she is employed here. Are you going to work for me?’

  ‘Are you offering me a job?’

  He laughs. His eyes twinkle.

  ‘There’s something about you, Katie. I’m not sure what. You look stunning tonight, you are fun, but there is an untouchable part of you? I need strong women to manage this place. That’s all these men respect. Would you want a role here?’

  ‘I suspect after a few weeks you’d have me swinging around that pole and popping balloons with darts from my arse.’

  Irina returns at that moment. The pair of them grin at each other and laugh so hard I can’t help joining in. ‘The job’s yours,’ he offers, and they fold up again. Finally, they recover.

  ‘There is work here if you wish. I don’t care what you’ve done in the past. But I want to know, so I understand you.’

  ‘She’ll tell us when she’s ready,’ says Irina.

  ‘Fair enough. There’s a card game tonight. Set up the table in the back room for twelve. Oksana will cover that. There shouldn’t be too many people up here, so you and Katie should manage fine.’

  I try not to react but a smile creeps onto my face.

  31

  A Poisonous Thorn

  Oksana turns out to be a small girl with spiky black hair and perfect English. She is also dressed to impress. I wonder what they get paid. Would I receive the same? Initially, I wanted the job so much that the money was irrelevant, but now the buzz of the moment has left, it also makes me consider if they have to provide other services. I catch her at the bar.

  ‘Oksana, you had Tim Thorn as your probation worker in Cambridge?’

  ‘Yes, Irina tells me you have the same pleasure.’

  ‘She said you didn’t like him.’

  ‘That’s an understatement. He was a pervert. I still feel sick now.’

  ‘What did he do?’

  She pauses and her jaw bunches before she replies. ‘He wasn’t too bad to start with, just a bit creepy. Then he made excuses about checking where I lived. He threatened me with revoking my licence unless I sucked his dick.’

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘I didn’t understand the rules. I’d never been to prison before. I was involved in an argument in a nightclub. Some crazy cow said I stamped on her foot. She got right in my face, so I shoved my wine glass in hers. It was an impulsive move.’ She takes a few breaths to calm herself. ‘The girl was blinded. The police blamed it on me and the jury took her side. They gave me three years. I really struggled inside and couldn’t bear going back.’

  I touch her arm. What do you say to that? ‘Could you have told anyone?’

  Her face contorts into a snarl. ‘Who would they believe? An eye-removing nobody like me, or one of their own?’

  ‘How did you get away from him? Did you disappear?’

  ‘No. My licence ended. I served 18 months of horror inside, and then 18 worse months under his guidance. I wish someone would fuck him up.’

  ‘Can’t Radic help?’

  ‘No. There’d be too much heat. He is a government employee after all. One of Her Majesty’s finest. It’s almost unbelievable, isn’t it? Has he got to you?’

  ‘No.’ The thought of returning to him is not appealing. I add the inevitable words. ‘Not yet.’

  She shrugs, but I watch her drying a glass and it cracking. I realise from her phrases and accent that the reason her English is good is that she is English. What dire stories is she hiding? I’m about to walk off when she turns around.

  ‘I want to forget it all, because it isn’t my problem any more. I can’t, though.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because I heard from another girl who’s under him at the moment. Literally. And she’s only nineteen.’

  ‘Shit. Surely someone can do something.’

  ‘Are you going to do it? Will you be the one to risk your freedom?’ Her eyes tighten as vanquished memories threaten to surface. ‘Do you know which part I can’t shake off?’

  I raise my eyebrows.

  ‘The bastard even filmed me doing it.’

  32

  Dancing

  It’s much busier in the pub downstairs. Irina gets two drinks from the bar. I notice no money changes hands. Mine smells like pure vodka. I decide to lose it somewhere. I’ve had enough. Irina, on the other hand, is thirsty. If she’s someone who doesn’t drink much, then I’d hate to see her on a bad day.

  There’s an unusual mix of people in the bar from all over Europe. Maybe that’s how it is now. No English though. Just a load of other Europeans getting drunk together. The banter doesn’t get out of hand. The enormous doorman, whose name I learn is Gregor, is probably the cause of that.

  We have a little dance until 10:30 p.m. and then head upstairs. It’s been fun. At 11:20 p.m. we hear people leaving outside and a few I recognise come to the club. Radic arrives and most leave for the card game. Oksana carries drinks and snacks for them. Irina and I sit about chatting. We get the odd request for top-ups.

  I even have a swing round on the pole which amuses the few who are left. Irina plays a few slow tunes and dances with one of the three men who was there earlier and still remains. I thought they would be in the card room. The guy with a milky eye approaches me. He is heavyset and walks as though he’s made of lead. He holds out his hand. Smiling, I go with the flow.

  He is super-careful not to be inappropriate. After a minute, he and Irina exchange words. She squeezes his shoulder.

  ‘He says you remind him of his daughter.’

  Close up, I can see the damaged eye moves. There are scars around his eye socket. I wonder if they were caused in an accident or by human intervention.

  When the song finishes, tears slide from his normal eye. The man who danced with Irina puts his arm around him and guides him to the door. The remainder of the patrons disappeared while we were dancing. Alone, we tidy up and clean. It doesn’t take long. Oksana tells us she’ll lock up and we head off back to Irina’s.

  So much for Irina not drinking a lot. I undress her and roll her deadweight into bed with a grunt. She pulls me next to her. For a moment, I assume she wants to have sex with me. Instead, she curls herself into the foetal position and drags my arm over her, so I’m cuddling her. Her breathing settles after a few seconds and she’s out. I stay beside her. I force myself to keep awake because I don’t want the evening to end. As the sheets warm up, my eyes
droop.

  What a night. I felt pretty and desirable, and I had a purpose. The people present enjoyed my company. There were certainly shady goings on, so I need to show caution. Could I start again here? I can’t see Tim Thorn giving me permission to move away.

  Irina mumbles in her sleep. I shush her and stroke the side of her face and she settles back down. I could live with these people. I think I could enjoy life with them. There is hope and friendship, and that’s what I need. As always when I consider the future, my mind returns to the past.

  I was thirteen years old the last time I had a new beginning. That was a fresh start for me, too. I prayed for a settled, comfortable home and I expected things to improve. Instead, it would lead to murder.

  33

  The Eighth Memory - Age Thirteen

  I heard the car crunch through the gravel as the social worker drove away.

  The woman came back into the house and beamed at me. ‘Now, Katie. What do you think of the place?’

  I was overawed. My home would be a huge stone farmhouse on the edge of miles of fields. There were a few houses dotted around, but it felt like the middle of nowhere. My new foster mother couldn’t have been more of a cliché if she tried. She was middle-aged, plump, and even sported an apron.

  ‘I love it, Mrs Brown.’

  ‘Call me Erin.’

  I smiled. Erin suited her.

  ‘Now, my husband works long hours on the farm, so we don’t see him much. However, he likes us all to eat tea together at five every evening. He often returns to work, but Teddy looks forward to family time.’

  She grinned at me, and I beamed back. That sounded good to me.

  ‘This is Mr Pebbles. He’s a Heinz 57 and ancient, but he enjoys a little walk once a day.’

  Mr Pebbles looked about four hundred, in human years. He wagged his tail at me and I knew we’d be friends. At that moment, two boys ran in.

  ‘Woah, you pair. Hold up. Let me introduce you to Katie. And shoes!’

  Laughing, they backtracked and returned with socks showing. Both their trousers were covered in mud. Erin opened her mouth, but the lads cut her off by bellowing, ‘Football.’

  She stood between them and placed an arm around their shoulders. ‘This one is Simon.’

  ‘Simple Simon,’ the tall one shouted.

  ‘And this cheeky one is Bill,’ said Erin.

  ‘Billy the Kid,’ said Bill, puffing himself up.

  ‘Billy the Dick,’ said Simon.

  ‘Now that’s enough. Off upstairs and wash your hands before dinner.’

  They both smiled amiably at me as they left. Erin guided me into a kitchen chair and sat opposite.

  ‘They’re good lads, Katie. Boisterous and full of life. The way boys should be. But it’ll be lovely to have female company around here. Teddy and I couldn’t have children, so we fostered those two. It’s been five years now, and we’re a family. I always wanted a girl though. We’ll brighten the place up together.’

  She returned to the big cooker and stirred the pot.

  ‘Can I take Mr Pebbles for a walk?’

  ‘Of course. Don’t be long. Teddy will be back soon.’

  ‘Okay, where’s his lead?’

  ‘I wouldn’t worry about that,’ she chuckled.

  We set off. I’ve never seen a slower dog. His fringe flopped down to his nose, so I kept checking he hadn’t fallen asleep. We only got to the first field, and I think he did just that. A large tractor trundled past on the dirt track. Whoever was in the cab was a big man as he filled it. The sun gleamed off the window, and I struggled to make out a face. I waved anyway. I caught dark eyes as it swept by. My greeting wasn’t returned.

  I thought he hadn’t seen me. Later, I would know he had. At the time I was excited. I had a new family, and they seemed normal. I looked to the horizon which stretched forever over the flat land and felt a sense of peace. The level-headed me told me not to get carried away. I’d been here before. This felt different though. I gained two brothers that day and believed my life would change for the better.

  34

  The Probation Office

  I push the door to the probation office open and tell the receptionist I’m here to see Tim Thorn. The low after the companionship and camaraderie with Irina is fierce. We went for breakfast at a French restaurant when we woke up. She told me we were going to Burger King, which was fine by me. Instead, we had a tablecloth and slippery waiter service. I ate everything, even some kind of spicy sausage thing that repeated on me until the evening.

  Irina paid and tried to buy me some clothes when we wandered around the local shopping centre, Queensgate, afterwards. There’s definitely more to her post-prison life than I know. Irina did full slap again whereas I settled for a bit of lippy. I had a whopping spot on my chin which I let her cover with some cream. My face must have missed being able to breathe. She said my skin was so clear for my age that even in just lipstick I was attractive.

  The packing job was beyond dull that night. A few of the girls I had become semi-friendly with had left, and though I was one of the longest serving, I felt like an outsider. I went to the gym to get some endorphins going but couldn’t focus. The glimpse of another life had made mine drab in comparison.

  I wait over thirty minutes before Thorn comes out. He takes me into a meeting room and closes the door.

  ‘How are you then, Katie?’

  ‘Good. Just ticking along.’

  ‘Any problems?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Been anywhere of interest?’

  There’s an edge to the question which puts me on guard. He can’t know but he’s suspicious. ‘Are you interested in hearing about the park or the museum?’

  ‘I drove past your house a few days ago. I thought I’d stop and see how you’re getting on. There was no answer at your door. A redhead told me she hadn’t seen you for a while.’

  ‘Did she now? That’s not surprising seeing as she’s lived there for a month and I’ve only seen her twice.’

  He leans back in his chair and steeples his fingers. It’s strange. He doesn’t look like a twisted pervert. He’s tanned and well-dressed.

  ‘I’m away next week on a training course. You’ll have to sign in with another worker, unless you want me to say I’d seen you and everything was great. That way you wouldn’t need to come into the office.’

  ‘Sure. That would save me the bus fare.’

  ‘Perfect for both of us. Well, you’re making fantastic progress. Hang in there, Katie. There’s a long road ahead, but we’ll walk it together.’

  * * *

  I decide to visit the approved premises afterwards. I want to see a supportive, honest face. Sally opens the door. Those few months I spent with her when I was at my most vulnerable means she reads me in a split second. We hug for a full minute. I don’t cry, I’m more angry than upset. As usual, Sally makes a cup of tea first.

  ‘Tell me?’

  For a moment, it’s tempting to mention Peterborough. I decide that’s not wise. What I’m about to say is probably not clever either.

  ‘I can’t stand this anymore.’

  ‘Stand what, Katie?’

  ‘This constant supervision. I think I could cope if it was for a year or even two. But I can’t live the rest of my life like this.’

  ‘Has Thorn done anything to upset you?’

  ‘No, it’s not that. I don’t want to have to tell people where I live, or who I’m seeing. If I quit my job, or get a new one, I want to be able to do it on a whim. Asking for permission for everything isn’t living.’

  ‘Katie, everyone feels like that. After a year, you’ll only check in once a month. The restrictions will be less. You won’t even think about it anymore. We all want what’s best for you.’

  ‘What would happen if I disappeared?’

  Sally’s mother-face disappears. She picks up her empty cup and washes it out in the sink. I’ve seen her do that often. It’s her way of thinking and stopping herself
saying the first thing that pops into her head.

  ‘They’ll find you. Thorn will make sure of it.’

  ‘Come on, Sally. The only consistent line you or anyone in that goddamn building agree on is that you’re insanely short-staffed. You don’t have enough people to answer the phone, never mind look for someone who’s vanished.’

  She pauses before continuing. My heart goes out to her. She has the dilemma of being a friend and an authority.

  ‘What will happen, Sally?’

  ‘They’ll issue a warrant for your arrest. They will freeze your bank account and you can’t work as your National Insurance number will be tracked.’

  ‘But I won’t see my face on billboards or the nightly news?’

  ‘No. They only do that sort of thing for people who are an immediate danger to the public.’

  I close my eyes and absorb the information.

  ‘Don’t do it, Katie. You have a life sentence. They’ll find you. It may take years, but then you’ll be straight back to jail. Thorn will sound the alarm immediately. The police will be on the lookout for you even if you aren’t on the news. Where can you go? What would you do? What about money? It’s madness.’

  I stand to leave. I’ve got a lot to consider.

  ‘They catch over ninety percent in the first week. You’re bound to suffer bleak days after what you’ve been through. It’s how you move on that’s important.’

  ‘It was just a thought, Sally. Thanks for listening as always.’

  ‘Please think carefully before doing something rash. Come back any time to talk things over. I know what you’re going through. I want to help. This conversation never happened okay, whatever you decide to do.’

  We hug again. This time it’s her that squeezes the hardest. She has the last word as the door closes.